What helped you?
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Hey lovelies
I thought time would make it easier but I'm still paralysed with fears & anxiety with all the uncertainty. I also can't get over his deception & behaviour. I'm taking space ATM & being as supportive as I can to him from a bit of distance, while I try to cope, but time isn't really helping & I don't feel like I am coping. I just feel very stuck, afraid, confused & devestated. I was very happy before this but I feel like every path option I see to move forward, includes pain & possible regrets.
I can't compute the person I've known for the past 10 years to the person who can deceive me to my face for years & commit crime against me, along with the other accusations. To those that have stayed, how did you overcome the betrayal of trust? What helped you understand them & feel able to stay? I'm so conflicted. I love the person I've shared the years with, but I trusted him because I thought he was a man who protected his spouse & was honest/ open about his weaknesses. I want to believe it is possible to overcome this or anything, in the right situation. I just don't know what the right situation looks like. You seem to have all had some level of success in staying & working through things, may I ask for any clarity on the actual 'how', for you in your case?
Hugs & the best wishes to all
I thought time would make it easier but I'm still paralysed with fears & anxiety with all the uncertainty. I also can't get over his deception & behaviour. I'm taking space ATM & being as supportive as I can to him from a bit of distance, while I try to cope, but time isn't really helping & I don't feel like I am coping. I just feel very stuck, afraid, confused & devestated. I was very happy before this but I feel like every path option I see to move forward, includes pain & possible regrets.
I can't compute the person I've known for the past 10 years to the person who can deceive me to my face for years & commit crime against me, along with the other accusations. To those that have stayed, how did you overcome the betrayal of trust? What helped you understand them & feel able to stay? I'm so conflicted. I love the person I've shared the years with, but I trusted him because I thought he was a man who protected his spouse & was honest/ open about his weaknesses. I want to believe it is possible to overcome this or anything, in the right situation. I just don't know what the right situation looks like. You seem to have all had some level of success in staying & working through things, may I ask for any clarity on the actual 'how', for you in your case?
Hugs & the best wishes to all
I struggled for a good year before daily stuff started getting easier then I would just get random days of anger towards him. I think one day I woke up and thought he did this not me. The days do get easier they do out weigh the bad days. These things just take time. It's ok to stay with him if you're mentally prepared to not going to lie it's really hard when the person that's done it is having a mental breakdown at same time and you have to be strong for both of you whilst watching your relationship die from the strain. Please remember it's ok to leave to if this gets to much for you I always kept that in mind but some how I found the strength to keep our family together remember you haven't done anything wrong xx
I honestly thought my husband was the most perfect person in the universe prior to all this.
The main reason I am staying is that I will never trust another man again. I am not afraid of being on my own (I threw him out, the first few weeks were difficult but then I found peace). It was then I decided to stay; I love this man, he is a good dad (apart from the obvious!) and in the long term all this will be over.
That said I think if I was younger or didn't have kids, I probably would have left.
I wish there was a right answer or a simple formula for working through it.
hugs to you xxx
The main reason I am staying is that I will never trust another man again. I am not afraid of being on my own (I threw him out, the first few weeks were difficult but then I found peace). It was then I decided to stay; I love this man, he is a good dad (apart from the obvious!) and in the long term all this will be over.
That said I think if I was younger or didn't have kids, I probably would have left.
I wish there was a right answer or a simple formula for working through it.
hugs to you xxx
The one thing I can suggest (and I know it will sound like a platitude but it really is true) is to try not to project into the future and literally take each day as it comes. This is easier to do when you're in one of those looooooong stretches where the police are taking forever and a day, not so much when you have an imminent date like an interview or court appearance looming so posting on here then so that others can 'carry' you is a wonderful help.
I'm saying this as an inveterate worrier and 'what if' has dominated my 71 years on the planet so taking my own advice has been tricky and I'm definitely not there yet BUT I'm getting better at it. The troubles won't go away and decisions will have to be made one day but it's OK to just deal with what is in your immediate gaze. I guess it's what people call 'mindfullness' and hopefully practice makes perfect (or at least it makes things a little easier)
xx
I'm saying this as an inveterate worrier and 'what if' has dominated my 71 years on the planet so taking my own advice has been tricky and I'm definitely not there yet BUT I'm getting better at it. The troubles won't go away and decisions will have to be made one day but it's OK to just deal with what is in your immediate gaze. I guess it's what people call 'mindfullness' and hopefully practice makes perfect (or at least it makes things a little easier)
xx
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Thank you ladies for being so candid and open.. it means so much knowing how hard it is for you all too. It gives me such hope to see your resilience.
I guess I have to sit in where I'm at each day and take it day by day. Time is going to take its own sweet time. I do feel like I'd put him on the pedestal of trust & safety, & being so blindsided means I don't feel able to trust anyone. Suddenly I'm mistrusting everyone, & don't see how I could feel safe with him or anyone again. Yet, I'm destraught at losing the bubble of happiness & what I thought we had. I feel like he used my openness against me too which makes me feel so much regret/ shame. I'm trying to be there for him, & have some space but I keep hoping for clarity I don't have, but it seems I have to embrace the uncertainty. My childhood wasn't very stable & I vowed to not put myself in a toxic relationship (why I chose to marry someone I thought was stable) or stay in one, so now I'm very conflicted between my heart & head. I see now that he was very emotionally unintelligent & reckless to the concequences of his behaviour, but knowing that isn't bringing me any more comfort. The desire to run away & never trust a man again is strong. Thankyou for showing me it can be worthwhile to persevere and that nothing is wrong or right if I feel like it's best for me..
Hugs to you all on this ugly journey none of us chose..
I guess I have to sit in where I'm at each day and take it day by day. Time is going to take its own sweet time. I do feel like I'd put him on the pedestal of trust & safety, & being so blindsided means I don't feel able to trust anyone. Suddenly I'm mistrusting everyone, & don't see how I could feel safe with him or anyone again. Yet, I'm destraught at losing the bubble of happiness & what I thought we had. I feel like he used my openness against me too which makes me feel so much regret/ shame. I'm trying to be there for him, & have some space but I keep hoping for clarity I don't have, but it seems I have to embrace the uncertainty. My childhood wasn't very stable & I vowed to not put myself in a toxic relationship (why I chose to marry someone I thought was stable) or stay in one, so now I'm very conflicted between my heart & head. I see now that he was very emotionally unintelligent & reckless to the concequences of his behaviour, but knowing that isn't bringing me any more comfort. The desire to run away & never trust a man again is strong. Thankyou for showing me it can be worthwhile to persevere and that nothing is wrong or right if I feel like it's best for me..
Hugs to you all on this ugly journey none of us chose..
Hello Summer, I'm very new here, just two weeks since I found out what my husband's been doing on and off through our 20 years and his arrest / police taking all devices. I'm feeling so much sadness right now for everything I've lost, we had such a happy and fulfilling life with such happy memories, but all of it is tarnished now. I'm in so much conflict too. My parents, who we've both been very close to - they've treated him like a son - are rightly disgusted by it all and don't want him in their house (as well as viewing images online he has also confessed to taking an inappropriate photo of my niece many years ago, which sickens me), but for now I have to try and somehow support him at home because he's a mess and has nowhere else to go. But then I feel I'm being forced to choose between him and my family. I don't know, I kind of feel a sense of duty to him but at the same time can't see a future. Like so many on here I'm torn in two. xx
My OH asked me earlier if I saw a future for us. I was honest and said I didn't know. If I could run away with him I would but I know that would mean losing touch with my daughter and granddaughter. After only almost a couple of months being in this situation I'm just trying to get through each day x
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Hi Summersun23,
I really identify with your post. I feel as though I could've written a lot of it. I've been with my OH fir more than 30 years, since we were teenagers. He has been loving, kind and thoughtful. I thought our relationship was strong and I trusted him with everything. We've had a life together that's been rich in experiences. In an instant it was all turned upside down. I still have a sense of disbelief that he could risk it all. I said I'd stay but I'm not sure I can because of the fundamental lack of trust. We have a child together who is really hurting around his father not living with is, etc. To end the relationship so soon feels too much, staying feels untenable in the long term. It doesn't help that we are financially dependent upon him at this point. So for now I'm staying but each day I work on my independence...emotionally and practically..I'm working on my independence. I'm hoping that it takes a long time to get to court. Time to figure things out. I suspect that ultimately I won't be able to stay in this relationship because it feels poisoned and because of the fundamental betrayal of trust. I'm taking it one day/one week atca time. I've established a routine of him coming over. I've started working full time. I've started exercise classes and meditation classes. I also cry a lot (less than those first few weeks) and I journal a lot.
I just want you to know that you are not alone.
I really identify with your post. I feel as though I could've written a lot of it. I've been with my OH fir more than 30 years, since we were teenagers. He has been loving, kind and thoughtful. I thought our relationship was strong and I trusted him with everything. We've had a life together that's been rich in experiences. In an instant it was all turned upside down. I still have a sense of disbelief that he could risk it all. I said I'd stay but I'm not sure I can because of the fundamental lack of trust. We have a child together who is really hurting around his father not living with is, etc. To end the relationship so soon feels too much, staying feels untenable in the long term. It doesn't help that we are financially dependent upon him at this point. So for now I'm staying but each day I work on my independence...emotionally and practically..I'm working on my independence. I'm hoping that it takes a long time to get to court. Time to figure things out. I suspect that ultimately I won't be able to stay in this relationship because it feels poisoned and because of the fundamental betrayal of trust. I'm taking it one day/one week atca time. I've established a routine of him coming over. I've started working full time. I've started exercise classes and meditation classes. I also cry a lot (less than those first few weeks) and I journal a lot.
I just want you to know that you are not alone.
Thank you for sharing.. it's selfish of me to say that I feel relief knowing I'm not alone when I feel very alone, but God it's terrible to know you are all experiencing similar... I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. I'm so sorry your hurting too.
Thank you for your post. I am 18 months post knock and I am struggling to make a decision. This post has also given me some things to think about.
I think it would be easier if I could sit in anger & bitterness to fuel an exit, or have a clear path/ way forward that is far better than all the other options but it's all the uncertainty & unknown variables that don't help.. why is everything so hard(!). Just have to put off the decisions, and get through each day. But I'm already finding statements on time (while true) a bitter pill to swallow. Though my friend just told me that getting out of bed & dressed each day is a win. Going to work is a win. Etc. count your little wins, so I'm going to try that, hah. Oh dear, I feel my overwhelming hysteria is making me hysterical! I'm definitely losing the plot.
What's helped me other than what's already been suggested:
- my husband getting therapy and involving me in his homework tasks such as identifying triggers, discussing his life journey, discussing the route into offending, making safety plans etc, discussing our relationship, making goals and plans
- listening to 'your brain on porn' together, stopping every 20 mins or so to discuss the content and how it relates to his offending
- my husband listening to pixels of a crime scene podcast and writing reflective accounts on this relating to his offences and the victim impact which I then read and we then discuss
(I am 11 months post knock and decided after about 2 months that I seriously wanted to try to make things work so am a 'stayer')
- my husband getting therapy and involving me in his homework tasks such as identifying triggers, discussing his life journey, discussing the route into offending, making safety plans etc, discussing our relationship, making goals and plans
- listening to 'your brain on porn' together, stopping every 20 mins or so to discuss the content and how it relates to his offending
- my husband listening to pixels of a crime scene podcast and writing reflective accounts on this relating to his offences and the victim impact which I then read and we then discuss
(I am 11 months post knock and decided after about 2 months that I seriously wanted to try to make things work so am a 'stayer')
Wow that's tangible actions & communications.. I really appreciate you sharing those, thankyou x
Thanks Summer Sun, it's taken us a while to get to this point but, and it is probably controversial to some, I'm actually really proud of him and how far he's come. He has struggled his whole life to share his emotions, to be vulnerable and to accept help, and this terrible process has enabled him to open up and in many ways it's the best our relationship has ever been.
Making it more tangible actions has been really helpful and has increased my understanding of his offending immensely, and increased his own understanding too! Despite watching porn multiple times per day he never realised he had a problem and I had no idea he watched it so certainly didn't know what any of his triggers were.
Your brain on porn is about porn addiction, whereas the pixels one focuses on victims more. I think it's very important to have both!
Making it more tangible actions has been really helpful and has increased my understanding of his offending immensely, and increased his own understanding too! Despite watching porn multiple times per day he never realised he had a problem and I had no idea he watched it so certainly didn't know what any of his triggers were.
Your brain on porn is about porn addiction, whereas the pixels one focuses on victims more. I think it's very important to have both!