To disclose or to end the relationship?
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I have been with my partner for over five years. We love together, engaged and live as normal life as possible.
He was arrested before we met, I knew early on in the relationship and he didnt deny he was guilty of iioc. He was sentenced in 2019, two year suspension, SOR and SHPO for ten years.
Only a handful of people know from my family. I have gone with the concept of only telling those who need to know (based on the SHPO, he has no co tact with under 16s unless permission from parents and social services).
I am now facing my biggest dilemma...I ha e family and friends looki g to have kids in the near future. But I am confident they will not take the news well and I don't trust them to keep it to themselves. I worry for our safety and I will be disowned.
The disowning aspect I could work with, except I have family who are linked to my friendship group, and work...
I have been in pieces this weekend because I don't know if I should call it a day on our relationship to save me the stress and uncertainty of how others will react. Or should I just be honest with those looking to start a family and hope that it won't as bad as I think it could be.
I do t want to end a relationship on 'what ifs', that to me is so much harder to walk away. And how would I explain to others why we broke up?
I am looking for stories from others on how disclosure went with those in the family and friends - the good and the bad- to help me consider where I go from here. Thanks
He was arrested before we met, I knew early on in the relationship and he didnt deny he was guilty of iioc. He was sentenced in 2019, two year suspension, SOR and SHPO for ten years.
Only a handful of people know from my family. I have gone with the concept of only telling those who need to know (based on the SHPO, he has no co tact with under 16s unless permission from parents and social services).
I am now facing my biggest dilemma...I ha e family and friends looki g to have kids in the near future. But I am confident they will not take the news well and I don't trust them to keep it to themselves. I worry for our safety and I will be disowned.
The disowning aspect I could work with, except I have family who are linked to my friendship group, and work...
I have been in pieces this weekend because I don't know if I should call it a day on our relationship to save me the stress and uncertainty of how others will react. Or should I just be honest with those looking to start a family and hope that it won't as bad as I think it could be.
I do t want to end a relationship on 'what ifs', that to me is so much harder to walk away. And how would I explain to others why we broke up?
I am looking for stories from others on how disclosure went with those in the family and friends - the good and the bad- to help me consider where I go from here. Thanks
Hi,
All of our family and friends know so I can't be of much assistance in terms of disclosing so long after the event. How much of a presence is your family member in your lives? If they are only talking about planning to have children at the moment then I'd probably hold off on making any hasty decisions regarding disclosure or your relationship. I'd probably wait and see what happens and go from there. If it's only someone you're going to see at family events every now and then I'd be inclined to avoid disclosure by your OH just making his excuses for not attending. How does he feel about the possibility of disclosing to them? xxx
All of our family and friends know so I can't be of much assistance in terms of disclosing so long after the event. How much of a presence is your family member in your lives? If they are only talking about planning to have children at the moment then I'd probably hold off on making any hasty decisions regarding disclosure or your relationship. I'd probably wait and see what happens and go from there. If it's only someone you're going to see at family events every now and then I'd be inclined to avoid disclosure by your OH just making his excuses for not attending. How does he feel about the possibility of disclosing to them? xxx
Buckets
I dont have any advice but just wanted to let you know there are many on here who will be able to give better advice, it is my son who offended ,
But I just wanted to tell you how incredibly supportive and understanding you are knowing what your fiance had done and you have worked hard to get where you both are now its lovely, and he is very lucky to have you I hope one day my son meets someone willing to understand and accept him for who he is x
I honestly would just wait and see what happens with friends wanting to have children, you have to consider what you want before thinking of the what if situations, you will get through it, dont add more pressure to something you dont have control in , if you are happy then enjoy your relationship, this journey is hard enough without added worries xx
I dont have any advice but just wanted to let you know there are many on here who will be able to give better advice, it is my son who offended ,
But I just wanted to tell you how incredibly supportive and understanding you are knowing what your fiance had done and you have worked hard to get where you both are now its lovely, and he is very lucky to have you I hope one day my son meets someone willing to understand and accept him for who he is x
I honestly would just wait and see what happens with friends wanting to have children, you have to consider what you want before thinking of the what if situations, you will get through it, dont add more pressure to something you dont have control in , if you are happy then enjoy your relationship, this journey is hard enough without added worries xx
Hi Buckets, I agree with everything Upset Mum has said. You sound like an amazing person and I really hope things work out well for you.
It might be worth your fiancé applying for an amendment to his SHPO to change the restriction from no contact to no unsupervised contact. We haven't been through the process yet though so I'm not sure how easy it is to do. We're planning to apply for an amendment in the near future.
I agree with what others have said and think it's best to not disclose unless you need to.
It might be worth your fiancé applying for an amendment to his SHPO to change the restriction from no contact to no unsupervised contact. We haven't been through the process yet though so I'm not sure how easy it is to do. We're planning to apply for an amendment in the near future.
I agree with what others have said and think it's best to not disclose unless you need to.
It sounds like you're in a real dilemma.
I would ask the question - if my friends weren't planning to have kids, would I question the relationship/ consider ending things and work back from there
You're currently nearly 5 years into the 10 years
If your friends are trying for a baby now you're about a year away from an infant appearing, minimum (and it could easily take a lot longer) - that's 4 years left
In the first year or two of a young child's life in particular, the parents will not want anyone with so much as a cold round to see the child - an easy excuse - that's potentially leaving 2 years where it could be a bit harder.
I also wonder if there's a way to challenge the shpo? I've heard of people doing it but am unsure of the process/why those restrictions are in place for your person
Good luck!
I would ask the question - if my friends weren't planning to have kids, would I question the relationship/ consider ending things and work back from there
You're currently nearly 5 years into the 10 years
If your friends are trying for a baby now you're about a year away from an infant appearing, minimum (and it could easily take a lot longer) - that's 4 years left
In the first year or two of a young child's life in particular, the parents will not want anyone with so much as a cold round to see the child - an easy excuse - that's potentially leaving 2 years where it could be a bit harder.
I also wonder if there's a way to challenge the shpo? I've heard of people doing it but am unsure of the process/why those restrictions are in place for your person
Good luck!
Thank you all for taking the time to reply.
The main reason for this wobble is because I feel my bubble is about to totally burst. Somewhat hoped that my family and friends were not considering kids 'so soon'. Most said they didn't want kids but now I guess time is ticking and they are now showing interest. Tho I don't think it is immediately.
My partner went to a solicitor this week about getting the clause removed, but it wasn't the news I hoped for. At the time of sentencing we were in the dark about how shopos are meant to work- ideally reflect the offending. My partner didn't have good representation to inform him he should have pushed for the clause to be removed before sentencing or appeal with the 28 days. Basically told to wait for the half way mark...
But he did technically breach a condition which the police took no further action but it is marked as a breach, and so the new solicitor has said that acts as like resetting the clock...
He would need to do assessments for the courts which takes a lot of money and time. And such requests currently can take two years to resolve. And we were warned statimg the reason for the removal because it impacts our lives is not a good enough reason.
So at this rate the clause won't be removed for another three years at least.
I just don't like the idea of finding out my friends and family being excited to tell me their baby news for me to then burst their bubble.
I have lied alot to keep them from the truth. And that won't help matters as I'm sure there will be anger that I kept it from them all these years.
Now I feel our relationship is a ticking time bomb. And makes it harder to live our normal lives. But I guess I still have time to come up with a plan. I selfishly hope people won't have kids for a while, but recently heard at least two plan to start trying by the end of next year
I had thought we had a real chance to get this clause gone in time, but not looking so likely now. And I'm resentful of the costs too. Quoted at least 6k for the assessments alone. Money we don't have and I had hoped to be able to enjoy our lives together more (holidays, renovations etc).
The main reason for this wobble is because I feel my bubble is about to totally burst. Somewhat hoped that my family and friends were not considering kids 'so soon'. Most said they didn't want kids but now I guess time is ticking and they are now showing interest. Tho I don't think it is immediately.
My partner went to a solicitor this week about getting the clause removed, but it wasn't the news I hoped for. At the time of sentencing we were in the dark about how shopos are meant to work- ideally reflect the offending. My partner didn't have good representation to inform him he should have pushed for the clause to be removed before sentencing or appeal with the 28 days. Basically told to wait for the half way mark...
But he did technically breach a condition which the police took no further action but it is marked as a breach, and so the new solicitor has said that acts as like resetting the clock...
He would need to do assessments for the courts which takes a lot of money and time. And such requests currently can take two years to resolve. And we were warned statimg the reason for the removal because it impacts our lives is not a good enough reason.
So at this rate the clause won't be removed for another three years at least.
I just don't like the idea of finding out my friends and family being excited to tell me their baby news for me to then burst their bubble.
I have lied alot to keep them from the truth. And that won't help matters as I'm sure there will be anger that I kept it from them all these years.
Now I feel our relationship is a ticking time bomb. And makes it harder to live our normal lives. But I guess I still have time to come up with a plan. I selfishly hope people won't have kids for a while, but recently heard at least two plan to start trying by the end of next year
I had thought we had a real chance to get this clause gone in time, but not looking so likely now. And I'm resentful of the costs too. Quoted at least 6k for the assessments alone. Money we don't have and I had hoped to be able to enjoy our lives together more (holidays, renovations etc).
I would agree with not telling them unless you have to as unfortunately in my experience people struggle to understand and just see it in black and white.
I have disclosed to my friends and even though I chose to end my relationship I'm still being judged for the few months I stayed with him.
Whether to stay with your oh or not is your choice, only you know what will make you happy.
Good luck and happy to chat further if you need to
I have disclosed to my friends and even though I chose to end my relationship I'm still being judged for the few months I stayed with him.
Whether to stay with your oh or not is your choice, only you know what will make you happy.
Good luck and happy to chat further if you need to