Pressured decisions
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Hi all,
A family member was arrested on Thursday last week. It has devestated my immediate family and fiance.
I have been given and ultimatum by my fiance on choosing either him or this family member. I have to cut ties with this person or I lose my fiance.
im just wondering if other people have been in this situation and what they decided to do?
I am very close with the family member and closing the door on them is not something I want to do.
I know what they did is wrong, I do. However they would never disown me even if the roles were reversed, I don't feel I can justify to myself doing the same thing.
on the other hand my fiance is my future and my soulmate.
A family member was arrested on Thursday last week. It has devestated my immediate family and fiance.
I have been given and ultimatum by my fiance on choosing either him or this family member. I have to cut ties with this person or I lose my fiance.
im just wondering if other people have been in this situation and what they decided to do?
I am very close with the family member and closing the door on them is not something I want to do.
I know what they did is wrong, I do. However they would never disown me even if the roles were reversed, I don't feel I can justify to myself doing the same thing.
on the other hand my fiance is my future and my soulmate.
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I am so sorry you find yourself here in this situation. Luckily I have not been given an ultimatum, but you are still in the early days of absolute shock. Maybe with time your fiance may find their opinions soften.
Take care best you can, sending hugs
Take care best you can, sending hugs
It's very early on, people need to time to adjust. Perhaps let the dust settle for a bit and then have another conversation with your fiancé at a later date. Xx
oh Bears, I'm so sorry you find yourself in this position. I agree that people need time to adjust and process, Maybe just leave it a week or two and see how the land lies.
It's such a stressful time. I'm thinking of you.
It's such a stressful time. I'm thinking of you.
I'm so sorry, that's awful for you
I think I would find being given an ultimatum harder to accept than the crime in the first place.
Hopefully over time your fiance will calm down and think more logically
I think I would find being given an ultimatum harder to accept than the crime in the first place.
Hopefully over time your fiance will calm down and think more logically
Thank you all.
I never thought I'd be in this situation.
Should I feel bad for not wanting to exile the person?
I know people will think I am defending them or justifying what they've done but I don't feel that way. I don't feel I have the right to punish them, that's not my role surely?
I never thought I'd be in this situation.
Should I feel bad for not wanting to exile the person?
I know people will think I am defending them or justifying what they've done but I don't feel that way. I don't feel I have the right to punish them, that's not my role surely?
Hi Bears,
I can relate to this having to make a choice and it was the most difficult decision I have ever had to make. I chose to stand by my husband (who was convicted) and in the meantime sacrifice the loving close family relationships I had with my brother and his family and my sister and her family. I have had no contact now with either for 2 years which has deeply affected me and the whole of our family dynamics. I believe people are cruel in expecting us to make these choices and I know for certain I would never put that pressure on my family if roles were reversed. It is bad enough having to experience the whole trauma of the situation without the pressure of people walking out of our lives too when we have done no wrong. I hope you and your fiancé can reach a sensible compromise with arrangements, if he doesn't want contact with your family member that is fair enough but he should give you space and time to process what has happened and allow you to make suitable arrangements to support your person without the need for further conflict.
Best wishes
love Katie xxx
I can relate to this having to make a choice and it was the most difficult decision I have ever had to make. I chose to stand by my husband (who was convicted) and in the meantime sacrifice the loving close family relationships I had with my brother and his family and my sister and her family. I have had no contact now with either for 2 years which has deeply affected me and the whole of our family dynamics. I believe people are cruel in expecting us to make these choices and I know for certain I would never put that pressure on my family if roles were reversed. It is bad enough having to experience the whole trauma of the situation without the pressure of people walking out of our lives too when we have done no wrong. I hope you and your fiancé can reach a sensible compromise with arrangements, if he doesn't want contact with your family member that is fair enough but he should give you space and time to process what has happened and allow you to make suitable arrangements to support your person without the need for further conflict.
Best wishes
love Katie xxx
Bear, The only thing I can say is it's a personal decision. My person is a vulnerable adult (just turned 18 when arrested) I could have never turned my back and my extended family hasn't either. For me, it is all about rehabilitation now, I have got him on the Stop it Now courses and talking on the helpline, counselling, Job, uni etc and he is deeply remorseful and ashamed of the world he entered. He has done wrong and there are consequences to actions that he has to bare
I feel what he's been through has been the punishment (The Knock, arrest, interviews, SOR, losing his dream profession as would need an enhanced DBS, talking to me about everything, reading the CPS report, court, me questioning all the time and I have got angry and asked WTF alot (sorry but that's the truth of it haha) and we still have more coming up, dealing with all this with his autism and he was also sexually exploited by others online) but I will always stand by his side.
I also understand others who haven't with partners etc, as well as the ones who have.
I really feel it's a personal decision and only you will know the answer to it.
I'm sorry you have had to join this forum, but you will be supported. Much love
I feel what he's been through has been the punishment (The Knock, arrest, interviews, SOR, losing his dream profession as would need an enhanced DBS, talking to me about everything, reading the CPS report, court, me questioning all the time and I have got angry and asked WTF alot (sorry but that's the truth of it haha) and we still have more coming up, dealing with all this with his autism and he was also sexually exploited by others online) but I will always stand by his side.
I also understand others who haven't with partners etc, as well as the ones who have.
I really feel it's a personal decision and only you will know the answer to it.
I'm sorry you have had to join this forum, but you will be supported. Much love
Hi Bears,
From experience I've found that people are shocked and disgusted when they learn of an offence like this and it often manifests in anger and ultimatums.
I can't guide you on this as the only person that truly knows the answer is you. But reading the replies from others echo that time heals.
One really important thing is to keep talking to your partner and try and explain that although you know they are angry, their threat is against you not the offender. It won’t be easy in any way, and I'm sorry that you are going through this.
The offender is also probably going through their own nightmares and a supportive family member can mean an awful lot to them, not just right now, but also during any schemes and treatments offered to the offender.
From experience I've found that people are shocked and disgusted when they learn of an offence like this and it often manifests in anger and ultimatums.
I can't guide you on this as the only person that truly knows the answer is you. But reading the replies from others echo that time heals.
One really important thing is to keep talking to your partner and try and explain that although you know they are angry, their threat is against you not the offender. It won’t be easy in any way, and I'm sorry that you are going through this.
The offender is also probably going through their own nightmares and a supportive family member can mean an awful lot to them, not just right now, but also during any schemes and treatments offered to the offender.
Hi Bear
I am sorry you find yourself in this position. I completely agree with what everyone else has posted.
If you feel the need to talk to someone about this, it may be good to try the helpline. They are a good listening ear and will help you start to process everything you are going through. It is early days for you all, sending you strength and support.
I am sorry you find yourself in this position. I completely agree with what everyone else has posted.
If you feel the need to talk to someone about this, it may be good to try the helpline. They are a good listening ear and will help you start to process everything you are going through. It is early days for you all, sending you strength and support.
Bears - I totally agree with your comments. Just because you stand by a person does not mean you show forgiveness, defending them or belittling their actions - definately NOT.
I love my son and taking huge risks to support him (as much as I can), but it doesn't mean the stuff he's done I forgive. He bought our family to its knees, we had everything and he destroyed it by his secret life. Til the day I die, that will never be erased from my mind.
But I know he's a good man, for whatever reason got involved in this crazy shit, the crime is not his whole being. He deserves a chance to rebuild his life. I'm at peace with my decision, but it's took a long time.....
Others, might never understand my take on this and I thoroughly respect their views - I just wish they could look deep into their heart and respect my choice.....
I love my son and taking huge risks to support him (as much as I can), but it doesn't mean the stuff he's done I forgive. He bought our family to its knees, we had everything and he destroyed it by his secret life. Til the day I die, that will never be erased from my mind.
But I know he's a good man, for whatever reason got involved in this crazy shit, the crime is not his whole being. He deserves a chance to rebuild his life. I'm at peace with my decision, but it's took a long time.....
Others, might never understand my take on this and I thoroughly respect their views - I just wish they could look deep into their heart and respect my choice.....