Family and Friends Forum

Hi All

I'm feeling more traumatised than I think I have ever felt. On Friday morning 7.20 we had a loud urgent knocking at our door. I went to look and there were 3 police officers. I was terrified. I opened the door and they told us they had come to investigate sexual images of chilldren which had been shared or downloaded via snap chat from our IP address. They went to the kids rooms and got everyone up and brought us all into the living room.

I have 3 teens - one is a 15 year old boy. They honed in on the teens right away and asked if they could check their phones. Two handed them over and gave the codes but my 15 year old boy didn't want to. He asked if they had a warrant which they did and just kept saying no. This is actually not unlike him - we are terrified that if someone trys to steal his phone he won't give it to them - it's how he reacts when he's scared.

I suspected he might be embarassed about what was on the phone and said I would leave. Not long after one of the male officers came through and said it's him he's admitted it - but if it's what he says it is we probably won't charge him - no one wants to convict a child. He told them the code but the phone was dead so they took it away.

We went through and my son was sobbing and spent the rest of the day in bed saying how embarrased he was. He only ate last night. I spoke to him and he said he had come across pictures of girls that looked 16- 18 and had looked at them. He vowed nothing else. However he said I think I know what happened - he said him and his friend went onto a site and were winding people up that were looking for pictures of kids. They were pretending to be young children and saying we will send pictures of us to you - sometimes they would get sent £5 and then they would block them. He said they never ever sent anything but he was sure that was the problem. Now they have his phone and we have an appointment to go for an interview. We are literally terrified - any advice would be amazing.

You are all so kind, wise and gentle. Thank you so much for your lovely words and support. It means a huge ammount. I will take you advise and contact these numbers and organisations.

Much love and support to you all !

Just wanted to give all you lovely people who gave me such amazing advice an update.

We went to the police station today with a solicitor from Just for Kids.

It was the most awful experience we have ever had. He was questioned under caution in an interview room with a plastic mirror in between him and the police officer.

Police officer came in with a whole heap of discs and made them very explicit. My son wanted to talk to the solicitor on his own.

When we left the room the police officer told us that they hadn't found much on his phone but they had found some indecent images that he had snapped on snap chat. She said they were mainly from girls in his age group but there were some younger (category B and C)

She said they were sending the phone for analysis and that he would not get it back. She said that their systems were not very good and that the lab would be able to find everything there was but it will take 3 months to a year. She said she would then take it to her boss who would decide if it goes to the crown prosecution - who will decide if it's referered to court.

His solicitor said my son was desperate to talk but that he had advised him to make a statement that the solicitor read out.

He is absolutely shattered - the light has completely gone out in his eyes and I just feel like his world has collapsed. My heart is just broken.

She also said that she would be holding a professionals meeting and they would invite school, social worker, CAHMS etc. Not sure where that will take us. Any advise very gratefully recieved.

I've only just joined this group but the stories are just so difficult to read - families torn apart. I know this is a really difficult issue and I have teen girls myself but the distruction is such catastrophic.

Dear all



I wondered how many people have experience of going to court with a teenager.



We had the know 18 months ago when my son was 15 - police returned today to say that there are 5 charges against him all for viewing illegal images.

He has to return to the police station next week to have finger printing and DNA. Then he will be in court on the 19th.

Just as history - he was severely unwell with OCD at the time he was viewing the images

He is neurodivergent and was crippled with shame. It was suggested to us be most people that it was unlikely to go to court.

He has legal support ffromJust for Kids lawyers who submitted a package about his medical situation to the CPS but still they chose to take him to court.

It's absolutely brutal and obviously linked to cocerns about the rise in crime in this age group.

I'm so angry about this at this stage I just think it's enough - this in itself is so harmful for him and the whole family.

I'm sickened by images of children being used for pornography of course we all are but this is low hanging fruit indeed. It seems to me that safeguarding children emaotional wellbeing is paramount until they comit a crime and then they are thrown to the dogs.

I just have no idea what to expect, how to prepare him or what to do. I want to shout about the wrongness of it from the rooftops but can't because of fear of making things worse or exposing him.

Any advice would be wonderful !

Thank you so much for your wise and lovely response I really do appreciate it.

I don't know the answer to your question but I have read an old Guardian article which highlights that half of the warrants are for under 18's. Interestingly in this article it says that most are followed up as safeguarding - things must have changed dramatically or it may be different depending on where you are in the country

https://www.theguardian.com/global-development/2023/dec/04/thousands-young-people-caught-watching-online-child-abuse-images-scary-figures-show-england-wales

I also notice that the childrens commissioner has written a report about young people and porn which touches on the high number of children that have seen highly disturbing and illegal images before they are 14.

There is so little out there about what happens in the youth court it's just terrifying. I came home yesterday to find my partner literally grey in the face - this is just not an ethical ammount of anxiety to put onto a family. I feel like we are carrying the wrath of a system for people who have committed unspeakable crimes against children.

Something needs to change - I would be interested to know if anyone has tried to raise this with children's commissioner or local MP etc?

xx

Yes I completely agree with you. I think it is clearly part of a mental health crisis. It's closely associated with OCD with significantly higher numbers of boys and men with OCD accessing more and more extreme material.

Very little research around it and does terrorising families in these situations help the actual victims. I'm completely horrified by what I read families are going through in this forum. It absolutely barbaric.

Starr I completely relate to everything you have said.

When this all first happened I really coundn't see a way through it. I kept looking at pictures of my son around the house and my heart was just shredded. I wanted to take him and run somewhere - it was literally as if our safe and predictable world was just shattered.

Going to the police station with him was awful and I can't walk past a red building like it now without being triggered by the feelings. I think it was probably the worst experience of my life - watching him so vulnerable. I couldn't believe they were actually putting a young boy through it.

It was November when it first happened and then when we were on holiday during the summer we got the call from the police to say that they would be sending his case to the CPS. That was dreadful and I remember coming back to the UK and for the first time not feeling like I was coming home to a safe place.

I used to watch these true crime programmes and think how awful it would be to have to go for a police interview under caution. Never thinking for one minute that I would have to watch my beautiful boy in that situation.

Since then I've had long periods where I've managed to put it to the back of my mind although it's always there. I knew the day would come when we got the CPS response. I honestly thought it would be an out of court disposal. However the same police woman and her colleague that initially came with the warrent returned unannounced to let us know that he was being prosecuted and had 5 charges against him. One for each of the 3 categories of images, one for an animated video portraying illegal sexual activity and the fifth a video portraying beastiality (where a cow was involved).

Now I know we're going to court I'm finding the anxiety very difficult to contain. I haven't really eaten since and my head is aching. I'm really trying to keep thinking we will get through this and come out the other end. We have to stay strong for him as he will pick up on our anxiety - we haven't actually told him yet. We're building up to it over the weekend.

I feel enough of our life has been taken over by this and I really want to convey to him that yes he did something very wrong but he was 15 and very unwell at the time. I do feel this is very wrong but I have to trust that the magistrates will have some sense and that our solicitor will put a good case for him.

I feel that all of these high profile cases in the news especially involving teens are very difficult.

We have to go back to the police station with him next week for DNA swab and finger printing - just horrific. That's going to be very difficult - we're going first thing in the morning in an Uber - in and out and I'm going to have to really steel myself for that one.

I have a burning loathing for the police woman involved who was and is completely devoid of all empathy. Interestingly the male police seemed softer. I really hope she isn't in court.

What stage are you at?

That just sounds so awful - the thought of children in police cells is just unbearable. How is there any need for that! The trauma is just incredible of watching your child in that situation and not being able to protect them.

I think prepare for the worst and hope for the best that's what our solicitor told us. I'm hopeful that because of their ages sense will prevail. I know that the youth courts whole premise is child first - although I can tell you it hasn't felt like that to date.

We haven't told anyone. My sister knows because she was here when the police came and obviously his sisters. I just don't want it know and I can't think about any more judgement on him than there already is. I like you just want it to be over. Once I know the outcome I think we will be able to see the end in sight. Perhaps then we will have the strength to start thinking about what we can do to influence change around this.

rainyday52

Thanks for your response to me. That's really comforting to hear about your professional experience of the youth courts.

I wonder if we do share the same police officer.

It's interesting to hear how much your view of the police has changed - even when your OH was in the force himself. We're also planing to write about this whole horrific experience (like you say when there is no longer power over us by the police).

I plan to write to police complaints, children's commissioner, local MP, Home Office, NSPCC and Banardos and anyone else I can think of to copy in.

How can people be expected to live with this degree of pain and terror for your child. Watching them being crushed in what must be any young boys worst possible nightmare. I'd love to really understand what brought him to the point where he was viewing this material. Did he get pleasure from all of it or was there an element of rubber necking. It there something about the horror of it that draws people to look at it when they're unwell. How much did he understand about the risks of looking at this material but then do it anyway.

Where is the systems responsibility to protect children and young people from this harmful material. I certainy feel so guilty about what I should have done but this just never crossed my mind.

@Lifeisover

Thank you for replying to me it sounds like you've had a dreadful experience of the police too. There just isn't an excuse to speak to anyone like that and I'm so sorry it happened to you too.

Schools and health are all training people on being trauma informed and avoiding creating massive trauma for people - the police really need to think carefully about this. I feel the approach being taken is doing way more harm than good. Funding needs to go into getting this material off the internet. If sites like snapchat can't clean up their platforms they shouldn't be running. It's just a disgrace that this material is available to people at what are often periods in their life when they are very unwell.

Like it or not there seem to be many adults (mostly men but some woman) who are aroused by children. We need to start naming this and talking about it - in some cultures men marry children. If we can talk about it and reasure people that they are not monsters if they have these thoughts and feelings but that they can never act on them and make support around that available. If we can start to create that narrative instead of dehumanising people and creating monsters of them - we might start to move forward and really think about how we protect children.

@Starr

The anxiety is just dreadful - I agree that night can be the worst. It's all whirring round in your head. We need a special meditation app for those of us walking through this hell.

Last night I watched the channel 4 programme with Emma Willis and her huband on Smart phones and children. The stats on when young people are exposed to violent porn was absolutely mind blowing. They also spoke about the number of boys who were actually looking for help with porn addiction and were distressed by it. They set up a tik tok account as 13 year olds - within hours Matt Willis was being offered violent porn of young people which he accessed with one click. It became very clear to me why this has happened and that we have all slept walked unknowingly into a public health crisis. Of course as always the most vulnerable kids come off the worst.

In the recent children's commissioners report she spoke about girls whose first sexual experience with a boy included partial strangulation. We have a massive societal problem here and hunting down and terrorising families of kids whose phones pinged is certainly not the answer to it. I also worry horribly about what the long term effect of this kind of trauma does to pubescent teens in terms of their sexual identity - what affect will it have on their development. Instead of identifying them and supporting them with porn addiction and any trauma that has been created by repeatedly viewing this material - they are being made to feel that they are criminals worthy of nothing. Compassion breeds compassion and contempt breeds contempt.

I agree with you also Starr that we would be better with collective action. We really need to start challenging this and getting messages out there. Problem is when we're in the eye of the storm we have no emotional resource to do anythng and once it's over most people can't cope with the emotions triggered by returning to it.. However, taking back some of the power and dignity that's been completely stripped from us and our children would probably do us good. Lets keep thinking, talking and supporting one another.