What did I do wrong?
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So my son has just had his second conviction. First one I wanted to believe his lies, I wanted to believe that he didn't know her age and it was a mistake. But after the second conviction there is no way he didn't know. I'm now left with all these unanswered questions. Could I have done something to prevent this? How could I produce someone who would inflict this pain to other? I know he needs support, but I'm so angry. I'm ashamed. I'm worried for my other children, what they feeling. The logical part of my knows it's not my fault as he is in his early twenties, but the other side blames myself, could I have seen this coming, could I have done something sooner?
You didn't do anything to cause this. Believe the logical part of your brain that is telling you that he has made his choices for his life. It's incredibly difficult as a parent not to see our children as an extension of ourselves whatever their age. Sometimes we can feel that they are a reflection of our parenting but each person is an individual and is responsible for their own actions.
As someone whose partner committed the offences I wouldn't look at his parents for a reason as to why he did it but I know that they have struggled with the thoughts that you're having too.
Have your other children expressed their thoughts and feelings to you? This is an extremely difficult situation but keeping the lines of communication open with them is important for how they process things.
Sending love and strength to you all xxx
As someone whose partner committed the offences I wouldn't look at his parents for a reason as to why he did it but I know that they have struggled with the thoughts that you're having too.
Have your other children expressed their thoughts and feelings to you? This is an extremely difficult situation but keeping the lines of communication open with them is important for how they process things.
Sending love and strength to you all xxx
I'm so sorry you are in this situation, I totally understand your thoughts and feelings as I have had them too as a mother. In reality, there is nothing you can or could of done. We bring them up to the best of our ability and they get to a place where there decisions are theres. I have fault my sons case for a year, the amount of time and effort I have put in has been unbelivable, many as I felt there was alot of mittigating factors. I would be devistated if he done it again, just like you but please don't question yourself. Unfortuatly I shouldn't think there is anyone on here that hasen't felt shame along the way. Pleaase be kind to yourself, its not you that has offended. Take caree
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We cannot blame ourselves but we look for reasons.
My son(28) is totally sexually inexperienced. No physical relationships,or am I being naive? If they are engaging online, is that a ' normal' experience? The sexual parameters are so wide,that I find them very difficult to discuss.
How can a loving caring person,think it is ok to view children .
My son(28) is totally sexually inexperienced. No physical relationships,or am I being naive? If they are engaging online, is that a ' normal' experience? The sexual parameters are so wide,that I find them very difficult to discuss.
How can a loving caring person,think it is ok to view children .
The lovely DC we had to deal with, when my son was arrested suggested the loving - caring bit, is called 'grooming'..... I'm sure you know my thoughts on that one and my opinion of her.
yes I was groomed for 35 years then?
yes I was groomed for 35 years then?
My son has got into trouble.
He is an amazing child who has had a run of bad things happen to him affecting his rationale.
I wish I had been a better parent and paid more attention to his difficulties.
I therfore wish the consequences of his action could be transferred to me as I feel responsible.
He is 21 in February with his life in front of him, I feel I have fell short as a parent and want to take the weight of him and carry his load as my life has no value.
He is an amazing child who has had a run of bad things happen to him affecting his rationale.
I wish I had been a better parent and paid more attention to his difficulties.
I therfore wish the consequences of his action could be transferred to me as I feel responsible.
He is 21 in February with his life in front of him, I feel I have fell short as a parent and want to take the weight of him and carry his load as my life has no value.
Hi Jip,
My son is in his 40s and was in a controlling relationship with serious mental health issues from his partner which we knew about but did nothing apart from worrying about him and his children. So I know how it feels to wonder if it's your fault somehow when these offences are committed. Although that still lurks in my brain (was it something to do with how we brought him up? why didn't we 'interfere' more when we knew his life was difficult? wasn't being there in the background to pick up the pieces enough? were we bad parents?) I've come to realise that none of us has a crystal ball and the best thing we can do now is be there for him, not minimising his actions but loving him and helping him as much as we can. Your son might not be in a place to act for himself so you can be his advocate, set the ball rolling re help from places like Lucy Faithfull, encourage him to see your GP if his menatl health is fragile and try to stop blaming yourself. It's a normal reaction to want to take away our children's pain and bear it ourselves but with your love and support now your son will know how loved he is by his mum.
I'm wondering too if it would help to talk to a therapist about how you feel. Guilt is such a damaging emotion and can suck all your mental and emotional resources dry.
As you've posted this at the end of another thread, if you posted it again as a new topic on here you will get a lot more replies too. Just a suggestion (some will be a lot more helpful than me :) )
My son is in his 40s and was in a controlling relationship with serious mental health issues from his partner which we knew about but did nothing apart from worrying about him and his children. So I know how it feels to wonder if it's your fault somehow when these offences are committed. Although that still lurks in my brain (was it something to do with how we brought him up? why didn't we 'interfere' more when we knew his life was difficult? wasn't being there in the background to pick up the pieces enough? were we bad parents?) I've come to realise that none of us has a crystal ball and the best thing we can do now is be there for him, not minimising his actions but loving him and helping him as much as we can. Your son might not be in a place to act for himself so you can be his advocate, set the ball rolling re help from places like Lucy Faithfull, encourage him to see your GP if his menatl health is fragile and try to stop blaming yourself. It's a normal reaction to want to take away our children's pain and bear it ourselves but with your love and support now your son will know how loved he is by his mum.
I'm wondering too if it would help to talk to a therapist about how you feel. Guilt is such a damaging emotion and can suck all your mental and emotional resources dry.
As you've posted this at the end of another thread, if you posted it again as a new topic on here you will get a lot more replies too. Just a suggestion (some will be a lot more helpful than me :) )