Peer support for my son
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My 13 year old son is really struggling. Thanks to an incompetent social worker he now knows a lot more about what his dad did. He is grieving for the loss of our family, his childhood and his home as we have to sell our house. But he can't talk to his friends about it and has associated shame. Although he has counselling at school I know he feels alone and that no one else understands. Are there any peer groups for young teens? I feel like the support for our poor children is so weak, unless I am missing something. I worry for the years ahead if I can't get him the right support. It breaks my heart to see bim so sad.
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My daughter is 14 school has arranged a Councillor from day one for her which has been a god send she just messages her when she needs a chat and get appt pretty much within few days sometimes it's been about 6 weeks between appts at her own choice, school have also initiated a mentor programme for her which is in process just now there currently finding a match for her, my daughter has struggled with friends having issues which on a scale of how our life has turned upside down is nothing but she can't say anything for fear of being judged by friends, I worry so much that this effects her future, oh faced a lot of childhood trauma and I didn't want that for my own daughter I wanted to break that cycle, in the meantime I am supporting daughter and oh who's mental health is actually very dangerously low at the moment I am scared every time he is left alone.
Have you looked at the Young Minds website? They also have a helpline for parents. They are normally really good at signposting you if they are unable to help. It maybe worth a try.
Thinking of you and your son.
Thinking of you and your son.
While of course I appreciate their priority is safeguarding children, I do sometimes wonder about the behaviour and motivation of social services. There's a reason people sue SS for causing undue distress, and your experience is a perfect example. You may not have the strength right now, but it may be something to consider.
How can causing such additional distress to an already traumatised child possibly help protect them? Do SS not realise that shame, isolation, family discord, insecurity, low self esteem are the KEY DRIVING FACTORS leading to addiction and other unhealthy lifestyle choices. It sometimes feels as if SS are determined to create another generation of troubled, ashamed, broken and isolated young people, and actively deny them any chance of having a happy, healthy view of relationships (and sex).
On day two of our experience - after my children (similar age range to yours) had been through the immeasurable trauma of having six adults storm our home, pulling us all into separate room (I thought they were robbers - it was horrific), then seeing their dad arrested, and having to come with me to the police station to collect him at midnight and then take him to a hotel - a SW who we had never met before told me the children needed to know everything (at this stage suspicions - not charges). Even through my own maelstrom of trauma, I managed to push back. Why on earth would they think further distressing recently completely traumatised children would be in any way a good thing? If my job is to protect and safeguard my precious children, there can be no possible benefit to them knowing the full extent of what their dad did. Just does not compute.
My heart breaks for you and your son. Some things that we found helpful:
- Is he in touch with his dad? We made sure to sit down as a family and discuss that dad had done a bad thing, lots of good people make terrible choices, that he didn't follow the online safety rules and was talking to people he didn't know and looking at illegal pictures etc. He's sorry (dad says this bit - a lot!). Until sentencing (prison) we also maintained as much 'normal' family stuff as possible, to maintain their positive memory bank (although we are permitted, I don't take them to see him in prison, I don't feel they need that memory - they are fine with it).
- We explained that whatever happens, we will always be a family - even if things are different. Their dad is not gone, and never meant to hurt them. There will be a relationship with their dad and fun times (with and without him!) to look forward to.
- We explained that although this is a big thing in our family, lots and lots of families have all sorts of problems and challenges that we might not know about - illness, money issues, conflict, loss etc. We assured the children that they are not the only ones in their school who will be having challenging experiences, and there are lots of people looking out for them.
- I will never forgive my kids' dad for putting me in a situation that I have to coach them to lie to protect them from the stigma and backlash of anyone knowing what he's done and where he is (in prison) BUT I made sure they know that they can freely tell their friends that there's some trouble at home, dad doesn't live here, and that they don't see him much. I get the impression that this is enough to keep their peers from asking much more, but also gives them the release of being able to share SOMETHING - that in itself seems to relieve their burden a bit.
- Does your son have a trusted family member he can talk to? I asked my brother (who has no empathy for their dad at all) and one adult cousin to take the children aside and just say 'hey, I know your dad's messed up, and it all feels weird and scary at the moment, but everyone will be OK, and if you ever want to chat, or drop me a text, I'll always be there for you'. The kids have never actually taken up the offers, but know they don't have to keep any secrets or feel uneasy around these people.
- Last Christmas, we didn't pretend he didn't exist, but put some photos of them and their dad in frames for them. They chose if they wanted to have the pics on show, or keep for themselves.
- My kids have not had counselling, as they are happy that I am their 'safe space' to talk, and I actually felt counselling would escalate and magnify something that we're actually dealing with OK between us. I don't feel that digging around all 'this' would help them move on. The kids are in various sports and other clubs that help keep them busy and takes them 'outside' themselve a bit.
I appreciate these are not the answers, but just things that helped us a bit (if anything actually 'helps').
I can also recommend the following, they may be offer relevant resources and support:
- Acts Fast
- Circles
- Barnardo's
- Children Heard and Seen
If we can get through this as a family, we can get through anything. Sending you strength and serenity. Everything will be OK. xxx
How can causing such additional distress to an already traumatised child possibly help protect them? Do SS not realise that shame, isolation, family discord, insecurity, low self esteem are the KEY DRIVING FACTORS leading to addiction and other unhealthy lifestyle choices. It sometimes feels as if SS are determined to create another generation of troubled, ashamed, broken and isolated young people, and actively deny them any chance of having a happy, healthy view of relationships (and sex).
On day two of our experience - after my children (similar age range to yours) had been through the immeasurable trauma of having six adults storm our home, pulling us all into separate room (I thought they were robbers - it was horrific), then seeing their dad arrested, and having to come with me to the police station to collect him at midnight and then take him to a hotel - a SW who we had never met before told me the children needed to know everything (at this stage suspicions - not charges). Even through my own maelstrom of trauma, I managed to push back. Why on earth would they think further distressing recently completely traumatised children would be in any way a good thing? If my job is to protect and safeguard my precious children, there can be no possible benefit to them knowing the full extent of what their dad did. Just does not compute.
My heart breaks for you and your son. Some things that we found helpful:
- Is he in touch with his dad? We made sure to sit down as a family and discuss that dad had done a bad thing, lots of good people make terrible choices, that he didn't follow the online safety rules and was talking to people he didn't know and looking at illegal pictures etc. He's sorry (dad says this bit - a lot!). Until sentencing (prison) we also maintained as much 'normal' family stuff as possible, to maintain their positive memory bank (although we are permitted, I don't take them to see him in prison, I don't feel they need that memory - they are fine with it).
- We explained that whatever happens, we will always be a family - even if things are different. Their dad is not gone, and never meant to hurt them. There will be a relationship with their dad and fun times (with and without him!) to look forward to.
- We explained that although this is a big thing in our family, lots and lots of families have all sorts of problems and challenges that we might not know about - illness, money issues, conflict, loss etc. We assured the children that they are not the only ones in their school who will be having challenging experiences, and there are lots of people looking out for them.
- I will never forgive my kids' dad for putting me in a situation that I have to coach them to lie to protect them from the stigma and backlash of anyone knowing what he's done and where he is (in prison) BUT I made sure they know that they can freely tell their friends that there's some trouble at home, dad doesn't live here, and that they don't see him much. I get the impression that this is enough to keep their peers from asking much more, but also gives them the release of being able to share SOMETHING - that in itself seems to relieve their burden a bit.
- Does your son have a trusted family member he can talk to? I asked my brother (who has no empathy for their dad at all) and one adult cousin to take the children aside and just say 'hey, I know your dad's messed up, and it all feels weird and scary at the moment, but everyone will be OK, and if you ever want to chat, or drop me a text, I'll always be there for you'. The kids have never actually taken up the offers, but know they don't have to keep any secrets or feel uneasy around these people.
- Last Christmas, we didn't pretend he didn't exist, but put some photos of them and their dad in frames for them. They chose if they wanted to have the pics on show, or keep for themselves.
- My kids have not had counselling, as they are happy that I am their 'safe space' to talk, and I actually felt counselling would escalate and magnify something that we're actually dealing with OK between us. I don't feel that digging around all 'this' would help them move on. The kids are in various sports and other clubs that help keep them busy and takes them 'outside' themselve a bit.
I appreciate these are not the answers, but just things that helped us a bit (if anything actually 'helps').
I can also recommend the following, they may be offer relevant resources and support:
- Acts Fast
- Circles
- Barnardo's
- Children Heard and Seen
If we can get through this as a family, we can get through anything. Sending you strength and serenity. Everything will be OK. xxx
Thank you all for your advice x
Wonderful, insightful and helpful reply InTatters.
Anxious Mummy - I'm so sorry to hear your son is struggling, it's so sad to see the impact this had on real children.
A Guide to navigating the complexities ofThe Knock is needed!
Anxious Mummy - I'm so sorry to hear your son is struggling, it's so sad to see the impact this had on real children.
A Guide to navigating the complexities ofThe Knock is needed!
This is something I worry about alot, so many innocent children are affected.
Thanks intatters, that's a really useful post x
Thanks intatters, that's a really useful post x
Anxious, sorry to hear your son is struggling.
Intatters - your posts are always inspiring and I am in awe of you. Thank you for sharing your wisdom.
one of my children had counselling at school and it helped him process it a lot. The other has refused. I suspect we are storing up trouble in years yet to come, but at the moment things seem ok - he goes to school, does well, has friends, has sports clubs that he enjoys.
sending you strength and my best
xx
Intatters - your posts are always inspiring and I am in awe of you. Thank you for sharing your wisdom.
one of my children had counselling at school and it helped him process it a lot. The other has refused. I suspect we are storing up trouble in years yet to come, but at the moment things seem ok - he goes to school, does well, has friends, has sports clubs that he enjoys.
sending you strength and my best
xx