Family and Friends Forum

Hi Rainbow,

Do you have a copy of his order and an official letter from his solicitor to say this?

I don’t know much at all about SS as I have weirdly had nothing to do with them. If you have had a case with SS a recently to do with him, I would give them a call and tell them what you have been told and see what they advise.

x

Hi

I would contact social services ahead of anything. That way you are being upfront with them and see what they say.

X

Hi Rainbow

i don’t think it’s your husband who needs the family solicitor, it is you. From what I can tell you have told SS that you are separated from your husband and that contact will only be supervised by you. They have closed the case based on those facts. If you are intending to change those arrangements then you will, unfortunately, have to invite SS back into your lives.

what SS will want to know is what you think has changed to make you change those arrangements. This is why you need a family solicitor as they can help you think this through (though they aren’t cheap).

Some things that you may want to think through are 1) him evidencing that he has attended appropriate courses/therapy 2) you have also attended a course about this subject 3) you pay for an independent therapist who assesses his risk of reoffending. If you do all those 3 things p,us be open and honest with them and allow them to do their own risk assessment then you have a good chance of having a more normal life in the long run. I can’t remember the ages of your kids and what they know about the offence, but if they wish to be alone with him (knowing the risk etc) then that also carries a lot of weight.

If you just let him have unsupervised access without informing them and then they find out then you will look like a parent who can’t be trusted and who has no boundaries.

i know how hard this all is - I’m going through it with SS at the moment. I am having to stand my ground at every corner and evidence absolutely every decision I make.

Did social services draw up a written agreement with you?although not a legally binding document I does make it clear what everyones expectations are. If all you had was a brief phone call then I'd imagine the expectation is that if anything changes you will call them to discuss it and then they will do the risk assessment and agreement. When our case was closed the responsibility passed to myself and probation. When probation lower the risk and all the modules are complete I can use my own judgement to a degree regarding supervision. For example over night would not likely ever be seen as appropriate but nipping to the shops might be. Try not to over think it (easier said then done I know). Speak to probation, find out their view on it. Your children are of an age where they are able to understand and tell you or someone close to them if there is an issue. Social services are unlikely to know the full details of the case unless you have told them, my partners case was deemed low level so the police were never involved in the social services stuff apart from giving a brief description of the offence and conviction. It's ok for you to speak to him and spend time with him, you will not be judged as harshly as you think. If you are still unsure the only thing you can do is speak to social services so you are clear what is ok and what is not.

Hi Rainbow

you don’t need a family solicitor, however I have found having one extremely useful. They haven’t told me anything I don’t already know (or have found out myself) but it is interesting to see how everyone behaves a little differently when you involve a solicitor. My one has been really great as a sounding board and to constantly remind me that I have parental responsibility, not SS, so I can do what I want. However the solicitor also cautions me on what looks protective and what doesn’t. Unfortunately this always comes down on the partner (usually a woman) and as it is hard getting advice from anyone (especially if you are keeping things secret) then you can tell a solicitor honestly how you feel and what you want to achieve and they can help you word it or know your rights. Have to warn you - they are very expensive.

have you phoned Family Rights Group? They are free and might be helpful.

What you could try is something like this. In writing say to SS that you are considering allowing access in the community with husband with child A. This would be approx once a week and no more than xx hours at a time. This would most likely be to the shops. Your rationale for this is 1) age of your child and their full understanding of the situation 2) the risks in the community feel much lower 3) you have done “safety” work with your children around your husband’s offences and they know they cannot let your husband on their devices and additionally your husband’s devices are monitored 4) your husband has successfully completed a programme about his offences 5) you have successfully completed a programme about his offences 6) the last offence occurred in xxxx so it has been xx years/months since your husband offended 7) you have taken into account your child’s wishes and they wish to go shopping with their father in order to have a normal experience of growing up. Perhaps your husband would also agree to tracking software enabled (like find my iPhone or something) so you can be sure he is where he says he is?

SS have no ability to remove your children unless they go in front of a judge. My solicitor reminds me how refreshing it is sometimes to go in front of a judge as more common sense then prevails.

Once you have worked out what you want in terms of experience for your kids with their dad, just write down the reasons and your safety plan and then let SS know.

Hi. I am in the same situation..I got two children 9 and 13. the ss closed the case and say no supervised access but closed the case. we got a meeting yesterday with his probation oficer, ss dadad and myself. And ss said that they only recomend that is my choice. that i got parental responsability and they wont do anything if i dont fowlow their recomendations. Probation officer said she will work with us and do a plan. I am.really confused as i allways thought that ss will have tthe last word. but apparently is not the case. Could you.speak to the probation?

my husband was charged and went to court about a year ago. He is doing some work with the probation officer and community work. I though the same but i make sure they know they come first. He got charge for possrsion and distribution. it was about storing photograph. I.am.not sure if i want him.back yet still lot of work to do. I would like for him to do some therapy but we cant afford it. so everything go slow.

hi Rainbow..what you said.keep me thinking. You.said.ss.has close your case because you are noy living with your partner. like me. ss told.me that what they say is only a suggestion but that i can choosse to do unsuperse access if i chose to. who told you that they will open the case again if yo change your mind?

yes. thats what they told me af first..But i found difficilt to be able to gain trust and any kind of "normality" and five years is a long time. he got another year with ptobation so we are going to work.together to make a safety plan and so he can have unsupervised access. Then will be only my decision. I am been very lucky and be able to work with both schools at the same time and probation to make sure that there are not concern with the children. I just suggest to try to work with the probation officer as they are the ones that are making sure he stay on the track. ss cant do anything and i think they make sound like they had the power and we get scared. We dont need that presion although i understand that for some people make things easier. Rainbow i think we are quite in the same boat here. it is so hard to find someone to talk. i wish this forum.had a chat too ;).

never done that before. what a need to do?

all done sp13

thanks

Hi Rainbow

just remember both you and your husband have parental responsibility and I am sure you both want to parent safely. That is all you have to show SS, that you are BOTH parenting safely.

Your husband does not have a SHPO as I remember so there are no legal restrictions on him around any children. Remember SS do not have any legal powers, only a judge (and the police for a v short period of time in an emergency) have legal powers to stop you and/or your husband parenting as you see fit. However, that said, you will need to demonstrate you are co-operative and have thought things through.

in terms of age, the solicitor is correct that all young people under the age of 18 can come under children’s services and they do hold a duty to all young people up to that age if it is needed. However what you are never told by SS is that once a young person turns 17 it is highly highly unlikely (I would have to check, I think they actually can’t) to start care proceedings toward that young person. So, the ultimate threat that SS can make is that they would start care proceedings against your child. If once your child turns 17 they can no longer do this you have to wonder what they would actually do at that point. Of course if your child had special needs or something this may be different. And I am sure it would depend on the wishes of that child too.

so, with SS don’t ask their permission or advice. Just tell them what you intend to do and the reasons why. They may disagree with you and it may trigger an assessment and your children may even go on a Child in Need plan or even child protection plan. But if you think that it is in your children’s best interests to have unsupervised community contact with their father then you are allowed to do this. Just make sure you can evidence all the safety steps I put in a previous post. And write down a summary of every phone call and meeting once they are back in your lives. Stand your ground if this is what you want and you feel it is safe.