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Hello
I am just after advice really. My ex received 1 year custodial and on licence for a further year for IIOC. Pleaded guilty as found on a device that belonged to him many years ago and he can't prove otherwise.
His completed all relevant courses and has requested to see the children over Christmas.
Contact has been over video/phone calls since his release. I am at a loss as to what to do, if I allow contact will the kids resent me when they grow up and find out what his done (children are 6 and 3 years old) or If I don't will they resent me due to missing time with their father.
Contact has to be supervised which I am also unwilling to do long term due to the impact this is having on my mental health. His family will have to help. I have had counselling and each time I think I'm doing ok something crops up and back to square one for me!!
I think I'm just after people's experiences as unless you've been through this hell no one can offer you any support.
I am just after advice really. My ex received 1 year custodial and on licence for a further year for IIOC. Pleaded guilty as found on a device that belonged to him many years ago and he can't prove otherwise.
His completed all relevant courses and has requested to see the children over Christmas.
Contact has been over video/phone calls since his release. I am at a loss as to what to do, if I allow contact will the kids resent me when they grow up and find out what his done (children are 6 and 3 years old) or If I don't will they resent me due to missing time with their father.
Contact has to be supervised which I am also unwilling to do long term due to the impact this is having on my mental health. His family will have to help. I have had counselling and each time I think I'm doing ok something crops up and back to square one for me!!
I think I'm just after people's experiences as unless you've been through this hell no one can offer you any support.
Hi,
I'm sorry that you're going through this. What is the current situation with ss? Is the case closed with you supervising video/phone calls? How long has it been since they had face to face contact?
I understand your fears around how your children will feel as they get older but we can never predict the future and we do our best with the information we have at the time. There is so much in life that is unknown especially on this journey without allowing our thoughts to get too far ahead of us.
If you or a trusted family member aren't already allowed to supervise face to face contact then it's unlikely to be signed off by ss before Christmas even if you contact them today so if that is the case then that is out of your hands. Should you wish for your ex to have contact with them but this isn't something that you can facilitate for your own mental health then perhaps you could start the ball rolling for his family to be assessed to supervise.
From the wording of your post it sounds as though your ex hasn't actually taken responsibility for his actions in the form of a conversation with you. That is very difficult as you potentially won't have been informed of any work he has done on himself and understanding how he got into the place that he was in whilst offending and things he can put in place in order that he doesn't reoffend.
Was the counselling that you received through one of the charities that specialise in these offences? I completely relate to things happening and putting you back in that mindset of the early days, it's not something we get over but it is definitely possible to work through the challenges along the way.
I don't believe that there is a right or wrong answer in any of this as our families are all different but I do hope that you are able to make a decision that you are comfortable with around contact xxx
I'm sorry that you're going through this. What is the current situation with ss? Is the case closed with you supervising video/phone calls? How long has it been since they had face to face contact?
I understand your fears around how your children will feel as they get older but we can never predict the future and we do our best with the information we have at the time. There is so much in life that is unknown especially on this journey without allowing our thoughts to get too far ahead of us.
If you or a trusted family member aren't already allowed to supervise face to face contact then it's unlikely to be signed off by ss before Christmas even if you contact them today so if that is the case then that is out of your hands. Should you wish for your ex to have contact with them but this isn't something that you can facilitate for your own mental health then perhaps you could start the ball rolling for his family to be assessed to supervise.
From the wording of your post it sounds as though your ex hasn't actually taken responsibility for his actions in the form of a conversation with you. That is very difficult as you potentially won't have been informed of any work he has done on himself and understanding how he got into the place that he was in whilst offending and things he can put in place in order that he doesn't reoffend.
Was the counselling that you received through one of the charities that specialise in these offences? I completely relate to things happening and putting you back in that mindset of the early days, it's not something we get over but it is definitely possible to work through the challenges along the way.
I don't believe that there is a right or wrong answer in any of this as our families are all different but I do hope that you are able to make a decision that you are comfortable with around contact xxx
Hi, I'm not sure if I can help as my person is my son and not my OH. My son has had supervised contact provided by myself and my husband since his arrest. He has such a good bond with his children and his children love spending time with their Dad. We can't predict how they will react to what has happened when they are older but we can explain our decision making if they question it.
I'm assuming your ex is allowed contact as you say he needs to be supervised. Are his parents willing to supervise and if they are, are SS in agreement? If you have approved supervision in place then you would be able to explain to your children, if they ask, that you did what you could to ensure they were safe whilst still having contact with their Dad.
Sorry I can't be of more help.
I'm assuming your ex is allowed contact as you say he needs to be supervised. Are his parents willing to supervise and if they are, are SS in agreement? If you have approved supervision in place then you would be able to explain to your children, if they ask, that you did what you could to ensure they were safe whilst still having contact with their Dad.
Sorry I can't be of more help.
I totally endorse what Ocean has said as our situation is identical. My saddest moments come whilst watching our son with his children and seeing the love and bond they share but finding myself wondering if that will change when they know what he's done and if they'll be angry with us for not telling them the truth. And if they become distant or don't want to see him, how will he cope? But children are resilient and where there's a strong foundation between them and their dad I just have to trust that will be enough when the time comes - not easy to negotiate perhaps but enough to allow the relationship to survive.