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Hi everyone - it’s been two weeks since the knock and I’ve been reading these forums to try and make sense of it all. My husband was arrested for a chat room conversation with an undercover officer acting as a 13 year old. He insists he knew they weren’t a child and was trying to ‘call them out’ on it. He did use sexually explicit language but hasn’t told me exactly what. Maybe to protect me.
He admits to using chat rooms previously and reporting users who aren’t who they say they are. I don’t know what to believe. He has what I would say is a porn addiction but is adamant they will not find any indecent or illegal images on his devices.
Has anyone been through a similar scenario? I work in childcare so have had to tell my employers. We have one child together and my daughter from a previous relationship. Have been told SS will come and do an assessment but not heard anything yet. We’ve started living separately - he’s on bail on not live here anyway.
The limbo is killing me. Any advice welcome ????
He admits to using chat rooms previously and reporting users who aren’t who they say they are. I don’t know what to believe. He has what I would say is a porn addiction but is adamant they will not find any indecent or illegal images on his devices.
Has anyone been through a similar scenario? I work in childcare so have had to tell my employers. We have one child together and my daughter from a previous relationship. Have been told SS will come and do an assessment but not heard anything yet. We’ve started living separately - he’s on bail on not live here anyway.
The limbo is killing me. Any advice welcome ????
Hi Cece,
Welcome to the club no one wants to join.
So conversational offences vary massively from what I understand. My husband had s conversation with another adult about sexual activity with a minor and we are 8 months post knock now still waiting to see what will happen.
The fact that your husband was talking to a minor all be it a police officer pretending to be a minor will be an issue no doubt. I think alot rests on the content of these conversations. If any images were shared in the conversation these will be a factor too.
From what I have researched and seen on here as well most conversations have images/videos in them and fhats what charges are brought for not the conversation itself. Just having an indent image or video sent to you even if you didn't ask for it to be is an offence that can be charged.
Depending on the area of the country your in for the middle to long haul.
I have no advice with regards to SS as have no children myself.
The only advice I can give you is take it a day at a time, make alot of time for you, call the help line.to chat and the best thing I did was confide in my best friend who has been fully supportive of both me and my husband.
I do think the key thing to remember is that whilst alot of these issues stem from porn addictions or traumatic pasts, these chaps have made a choice to do this and they do need to take some responsibility for their actions- if he is charged then if he is early.doors addressing behaviours with therapy and courses it will be alot.better than him being made to address them by the court.
Ttkit
Welcome to the club no one wants to join.
So conversational offences vary massively from what I understand. My husband had s conversation with another adult about sexual activity with a minor and we are 8 months post knock now still waiting to see what will happen.
The fact that your husband was talking to a minor all be it a police officer pretending to be a minor will be an issue no doubt. I think alot rests on the content of these conversations. If any images were shared in the conversation these will be a factor too.
From what I have researched and seen on here as well most conversations have images/videos in them and fhats what charges are brought for not the conversation itself. Just having an indent image or video sent to you even if you didn't ask for it to be is an offence that can be charged.
Depending on the area of the country your in for the middle to long haul.
I have no advice with regards to SS as have no children myself.
The only advice I can give you is take it a day at a time, make alot of time for you, call the help line.to chat and the best thing I did was confide in my best friend who has been fully supportive of both me and my husband.
I do think the key thing to remember is that whilst alot of these issues stem from porn addictions or traumatic pasts, these chaps have made a choice to do this and they do need to take some responsibility for their actions- if he is charged then if he is early.doors addressing behaviours with therapy and courses it will be alot.better than him being made to address them by the court.
Ttkit
Thanks so much Ttkit - really helpful just nice to know I’m not alone x
Hi ce ce
my story also sounds very similar to yours, we are now 10 months post knock, the date will be etched on my mind forever, my husband also told me they would find no images but be prepared, he didn’t believe that clicking on a thumbnail in a chat room is classed as possession even though he didn’t save them, but I’m afraid it is, I have 3 children, 2 grown up boys who have left home and a 14 year old daughter so similar to you my husband was released on bail but not allowed to live here with us and only have supervised contact by me, this was until ss got involved and then the bail was dropped as ss enforce there own rules, we now have a child in need plan in place which involves regular meetings with the school and ss and also regular visits to our home to check she is ok, I have been told this is only ongoing because I’ve chosen to stay in a relationship with my husband, they need to be sure I can supervise contact, the police have since been back about 6 weeks ago and told me they’ve looked at all his devices and he’s also been back in for questioning, because of the thumbnails in chat rooms he was advised to answer no comment throughout and the police have said there will be a charge but not sure what yet which is a bit confusing, I’m still waiting for cps to make a decision but his solicitor has said as it’s a specialist cps it could take ages, so that where we’re at, sorry it’s a bit long winded but I just wanted to give you an idea of time frames, in the early days you want answers there and then but you do eventually learn to live like this even though you feel a pending doom, I have a couple of friends who know but apart from that it’s like we’re living a life nobody knows about which consists of lie after lie, my advice would be to Tell as little people as possible but have somebody you can trust to talk to, visit your gp if your struggling with sleep etc and they can refer you for counselling also make sure your partner is doing all he can to show he’s getting help, sorry you’ve had to join this club but I’ve found it amazingly supportive just knowing I’m not alone
JB xx
my story also sounds very similar to yours, we are now 10 months post knock, the date will be etched on my mind forever, my husband also told me they would find no images but be prepared, he didn’t believe that clicking on a thumbnail in a chat room is classed as possession even though he didn’t save them, but I’m afraid it is, I have 3 children, 2 grown up boys who have left home and a 14 year old daughter so similar to you my husband was released on bail but not allowed to live here with us and only have supervised contact by me, this was until ss got involved and then the bail was dropped as ss enforce there own rules, we now have a child in need plan in place which involves regular meetings with the school and ss and also regular visits to our home to check she is ok, I have been told this is only ongoing because I’ve chosen to stay in a relationship with my husband, they need to be sure I can supervise contact, the police have since been back about 6 weeks ago and told me they’ve looked at all his devices and he’s also been back in for questioning, because of the thumbnails in chat rooms he was advised to answer no comment throughout and the police have said there will be a charge but not sure what yet which is a bit confusing, I’m still waiting for cps to make a decision but his solicitor has said as it’s a specialist cps it could take ages, so that where we’re at, sorry it’s a bit long winded but I just wanted to give you an idea of time frames, in the early days you want answers there and then but you do eventually learn to live like this even though you feel a pending doom, I have a couple of friends who know but apart from that it’s like we’re living a life nobody knows about which consists of lie after lie, my advice would be to Tell as little people as possible but have somebody you can trust to talk to, visit your gp if your struggling with sleep etc and they can refer you for counselling also make sure your partner is doing all he can to show he’s getting help, sorry you’ve had to join this club but I’ve found it amazingly supportive just knowing I’m not alone
JB xx
Me again!
Just to re cap my husband wasnt in convo with a minor or undercover but similar to ttkit story with another adult about a minor, don’t know how much of a difference that makes, take care
jb xx
Just to re cap my husband wasnt in convo with a minor or undercover but similar to ttkit story with another adult about a minor, don’t know how much of a difference that makes, take care
jb xx
Thanks JB72 - it’s just so unfair that we have to go through this. I haven’t told anyone that doesn’t need to know yet and intend to keep it that way. That really helps with SS - it’s just all so alien that it’s hard to know what to expect. Good luck and thank you for all your advice x
Thanks lee1969 - how awful for you and your family. Thank you for sharing with me - these forums have been such a help. Hopefully one day I can help support someone too. I’m still a bit numb but feel like I need an action plan. I did go to citizens advice and they were so helpful re benefits etc (as I’m low income). Feels unreal. I think SS intervention is what I’m dreading the most - being made to feel incapable of protecting my own children even though it’s someone else who has done this. It really does help - thank u so much x
Ce-ce my partner was charged with attempting to have a sexual communication with a minor as he like your partner had a sexual conversation with an undercover officer who mid way through a conversation said they were underage teen. He had no other conversations with minors, no images or anything else found on any devices. Sadly you are in for a rough ride over the next few months. Social services will be looking at you more than him so be prepared for that and remember you have done nothing wrong. We spent about 8 months living separately while the police investigation was going on and social services did their assessments, we now live together as a family again and we are ok. I still cannot believe my partner did it, it still feels like it was some awful nightmare. The best thing you can do is talk to your partner, police etc. Hopefully if there is nothing else and hes been honest with the police it can go through court quickly and you can start to rebuild your life however you want to.
Thanks Maria - if you don’t mind me asking what was the outcome I.e sentencing/community order/register etc I know from these forums it can vary but just so I have some idea. I do feel like the scrutiny will be on me - we’ve already made arrangements to live separately- he is renting a flat and I am selling the house so I am hoping that will help with social services. Thank you for replying - it really means a lot - I hope your future is easier than these dark days x
He got a suspended prison sentence, unpaid work and 5 years on sex offenders register. It's just under a year since arrest and things have settled down luckily for us. It doesn't go away and theres always the potential for disaster but things are much better. Social services have closed our case, most of the professionals we have dealt with have been very kind and helpful. There are some restrictions, more just thinking about what is appropriate rather than not being able to live a normal life. We have come a really long way in a year and our life is almost better than before in some ways. I hope that gives you some hope.
Thanks Maria xx
Hi Ce-Ce
Your post could be mine bar a few details such a similar story, I don’t really have much advice other than hang on in there take each day as it comes and remember it’s not your fault and you are not responsible for his actions.
Sending you huge hugs, I hope you have people who you can talk to I know I have found this forum/ the people amazing. Don’t hesitate to post or message.
The feelings will settle down and you learn to live with it in the back of your mind unfortunately this is no quick process I’m only 7/8 weeks down. I keep strong and carry on because of my children, I won’t let them suffer because of it!
Hope you have have a good day xx
Your post could be mine bar a few details such a similar story, I don’t really have much advice other than hang on in there take each day as it comes and remember it’s not your fault and you are not responsible for his actions.
Sending you huge hugs, I hope you have people who you can talk to I know I have found this forum/ the people amazing. Don’t hesitate to post or message.
The feelings will settle down and you learn to live with it in the back of your mind unfortunately this is no quick process I’m only 7/8 weeks down. I keep strong and carry on because of my children, I won’t let them suffer because of it!
Hope you have have a good day xx
Hi Ce Ce. It's been 3 months since I had the knock. Same as you, chat rooms and underage communication. Not a one off it seems. It's all a huge nightmare, some days are better than others.
I'm so sorry this happened to you. X
I'm so sorry this happened to you. X
Thanks Emma J and Summer. This forum has been a total life saver for me and everyone’s support means a lot. Silly I know, but today I took the kids out for the full day and we’re all knackered and had a lovely time then the realisation that there’s no let up now - all the childcare, bills, fun times and hard times and working will be down to me in the future. I just feel exhausted and angry to be put in that situation. Still taking strength from all your lovely comments xxx
Ce-Ce
yes it is exhausting isn’t it but I find it more exhausting thinking about the future the what ifs and buts wondering if I know the truth can I carry on with this finding strength from here and a couple of ladies I talk to on mumsnet. I don’t know what the future hold but I do know it will have my kids in it no matter what x
Stay strong lovley ladies xox
yes it is exhausting isn’t it but I find it more exhausting thinking about the future the what ifs and buts wondering if I know the truth can I carry on with this finding strength from here and a couple of ladies I talk to on mumsnet. I don’t know what the future hold but I do know it will have my kids in it no matter what x
Stay strong lovley ladies xox
Hi CeCe,
I'm 2 weeks ahead of you from what sounds like a very similar situation.
Firstly, breath. Your emotions will swing. It's normal.
Social Services were at mine this week. She was absolutely lovely! They just want to ensure you are protesting your kids from potential harm. I was actually happy when she left and I was so stressed beforehand.
Please use the helpline and post on here anytime you need. This group has been my lifeline for the past 2 weeks. It's survivable. I was an absolute mess 2 weeks ago. I'm doing much better now. The police and SS are great. At least in my experience.
I'm so sorry you are going through this too.
We are here for you. Xxx
I'm 2 weeks ahead of you from what sounds like a very similar situation.
Firstly, breath. Your emotions will swing. It's normal.
Social Services were at mine this week. She was absolutely lovely! They just want to ensure you are protesting your kids from potential harm. I was actually happy when she left and I was so stressed beforehand.
Please use the helpline and post on here anytime you need. This group has been my lifeline for the past 2 weeks. It's survivable. I was an absolute mess 2 weeks ago. I'm doing much better now. The police and SS are great. At least in my experience.
I'm so sorry you are going through this too.
We are here for you. Xxx
@JB72
Your story sounds very similar to my brothers. We found out 3 weeks ago. He’s saying it was just chat with other adults and it wasn’t a one off. He says he “can’t remember” what was in the chat room but says he never downloaded anything however from the sound of it even if he clicked on something ( a pic or a video) in the chat room then that’s classed as downloading?
SS have visited my brother and sister in law to put measures in place to protect their child. He can have supervised access but not allowed to stay overnight. Myself and my other siblings with kids have all had to have visits from SS and we were asked what plans we have put in place to protect the kids. I told them I have no concerns about my brother with my child however we are doing this as a family to protect the kids to show we are taking it seriously and also to protect my brother
He is seeing his solicitor next week so we are hoping for some news then? Im guessing the solicitor should have the police report and will be able to advise him what he could be charged with?
I am just hoping there is not more to it ( as if that isn’t bad enough) and that the w“chat” was not about a real child. He says it was all role play. I’m hoping the sentence for role play will be more lenient than if it turned out he was discussing an actual child as then it’s going to be difficult to prove it was just fantasy?
I can’t believe I’m here even saying this kind of stuff. It’s truly the stuff of nightmares isn’t it
You all seem so lovely here and I’m glad I have found this place
Your story sounds very similar to my brothers. We found out 3 weeks ago. He’s saying it was just chat with other adults and it wasn’t a one off. He says he “can’t remember” what was in the chat room but says he never downloaded anything however from the sound of it even if he clicked on something ( a pic or a video) in the chat room then that’s classed as downloading?
SS have visited my brother and sister in law to put measures in place to protect their child. He can have supervised access but not allowed to stay overnight. Myself and my other siblings with kids have all had to have visits from SS and we were asked what plans we have put in place to protect the kids. I told them I have no concerns about my brother with my child however we are doing this as a family to protect the kids to show we are taking it seriously and also to protect my brother
He is seeing his solicitor next week so we are hoping for some news then? Im guessing the solicitor should have the police report and will be able to advise him what he could be charged with?
I am just hoping there is not more to it ( as if that isn’t bad enough) and that the w“chat” was not about a real child. He says it was all role play. I’m hoping the sentence for role play will be more lenient than if it turned out he was discussing an actual child as then it’s going to be difficult to prove it was just fantasy?
I can’t believe I’m here even saying this kind of stuff. It’s truly the stuff of nightmares isn’t it
You all seem so lovely here and I’m glad I have found this place
Hi there bewildered
yes our stories are very similar, be prepared after the police report ss changed the restrictions, originally he was allowed in our home but under my supervision but once ss read some of the chat my daughter was put on a child in need plan and he’s not allowed in our home just supervised visits outside the family home which makes things hard work and expensive! I was lucky though that none of our siblings needed to be told because I said we only saw our nieces and nephews at family events. Also be prepared for a very long wait! We’re 10 months in and still waiting! I suppose it’s good that your brother and sister in law have you all for support though, I feel I’m living a lie with my family and it can be a bit lonely, this site really is a god send.
take care JB x
yes our stories are very similar, be prepared after the police report ss changed the restrictions, originally he was allowed in our home but under my supervision but once ss read some of the chat my daughter was put on a child in need plan and he’s not allowed in our home just supervised visits outside the family home which makes things hard work and expensive! I was lucky though that none of our siblings needed to be told because I said we only saw our nieces and nephews at family events. Also be prepared for a very long wait! We’re 10 months in and still waiting! I suppose it’s good that your brother and sister in law have you all for support though, I feel I’m living a lie with my family and it can be a bit lonely, this site really is a god send.
take care JB x
Hi everyone - an update, 13 months down the line. He had his 2nd interview today. They showed 1 more conversation had taken place -was originally investigated for 1 x chat. The brief advised to go now comment'. Waiting game now to see what CPS say...
Thank you Cece for the update hope you are hanging on in there, how can it take so bliming long to look thru the devices? I'm still waiting too xx
Thanks Summer. Hope you are coping too. Very disappointed there was another chat - really has made me re-evaluate things(again!)
He seems a bit oblivious to how serious this all is - extremely frustrating. Still it can't be long to wait now (or for you) so sending best of luck and hopefully can update soon with an outcome or at least what the charges will be.
Take Care x
He seems a bit oblivious to how serious this all is - extremely frustrating. Still it can't be long to wait now (or for you) so sending best of luck and hopefully can update soon with an outcome or at least what the charges will be.
Take Care x
Hi,
This is my 1st comment on here.
All sounds very similar, unfortunately.
I had the know 2 months ago after my partner was stung by a vigilante group (he was not meeting a child). Devices were taken and no information given by police. He was interviewed for communication with a minor which turned out to be the decoy. So all live streamed over Facebook etc leading to him being sacked from work.
Since this my partner has told me everything. Aparently had a porn addiction for many years which he didnt know which has spiraled and he is now having therapy for this. Ss were involved, following assessments they closed the case however all contact is to remain still supervised. Partner has been released under investigation and living at a different address.
Found out case has been sent to cps after 2 months. No 2nd interview, solicitor has said this can mean no further evidence was found. But been reading about this everywhere and everything is so varied I'm not holding my breath.
Assuming ss will be in our lives again once outcome happens. Is it always supervised contact after a sentancing? if its just 1 communicatiln and no meet up or images? From the start the pilice have said they've had no concerns about my child and ss said not additional risks found during their initial assessment.
What is life like with someone on the sor? Can they find work and feel safe? As at we're all living lives looking over our shoulders
This is my 1st comment on here.
All sounds very similar, unfortunately.
I had the know 2 months ago after my partner was stung by a vigilante group (he was not meeting a child). Devices were taken and no information given by police. He was interviewed for communication with a minor which turned out to be the decoy. So all live streamed over Facebook etc leading to him being sacked from work.
Since this my partner has told me everything. Aparently had a porn addiction for many years which he didnt know which has spiraled and he is now having therapy for this. Ss were involved, following assessments they closed the case however all contact is to remain still supervised. Partner has been released under investigation and living at a different address.
Found out case has been sent to cps after 2 months. No 2nd interview, solicitor has said this can mean no further evidence was found. But been reading about this everywhere and everything is so varied I'm not holding my breath.
Assuming ss will be in our lives again once outcome happens. Is it always supervised contact after a sentancing? if its just 1 communicatiln and no meet up or images? From the start the pilice have said they've had no concerns about my child and ss said not additional risks found during their initial assessment.
What is life like with someone on the sor? Can they find work and feel safe? As at we're all living lives looking over our shoulders