Ladies that leave
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How do you deal with it? I'm lucky in the respect that we didn't live together and my kids aren't his. He didn't contribute financially and my and my children weren't close to his family. So I chose no contact. I haven't really had a choice. My children's father would take them in a heartbeat if he thought the kids were at risk. So, it's over for us.
But I'm struggling with the no contact. I've reached out to his family but no response from anyone. That's toughened me up a bit. We weren't close anyway but hello my life, my norm and my future has been taken away in a knock on my door.
Was my entire relationship a lie to get close to my kids? Was he a predator. Did he have previous?
But the hardest bit is, I loved him. We had good times. I mourn those. I mourn my future. I'm in grief. And I don't know how to deal with it.
But I'm struggling with the no contact. I've reached out to his family but no response from anyone. That's toughened me up a bit. We weren't close anyway but hello my life, my norm and my future has been taken away in a knock on my door.
Was my entire relationship a lie to get close to my kids? Was he a predator. Did he have previous?
But the hardest bit is, I loved him. We had good times. I mourn those. I mourn my future. I'm in grief. And I don't know how to deal with it.
Hi Partner,
I too have had no contact. In fact the last time I ever saw my former partner we both left for work as usual. We have no children together and neither of us have any children. We lived together for 6 years and the relationship went on for 9 years.
I too grieve for the life I had. I manage it by reminding myself that I did what I believe is the right thing by me. I work with children and was not prepared to risk losing my personal and professional reputation for something he chose to do, not me. He too has lost his personal and professional reputation (he also worked with children) but then again, he chose to risk that. I did not. I use a few tactics to get through including spending some time writing down my feelings each day, counselling and running. I have always been sporty and always been in to running but now I do it pretty much every day as a release. It is okay to choose no contact yet miss your partner. I miss the person I thought he was, though have no intentions of being around the person I now know him to be. I was previously close to his family but with all this it has been easier for all to ct contact with them too. They view this as something that has happened to him, my view is that he made his choices and absolutely must be held to account for them. It hasn't 'happened to' him, he chose to commit serious crime. I fully appreciate there must be deep seated reasons and hope in time he gets support and becomes the man I know he can be, but in my view he will never be as vulnerable as the children he was abusing by choosing to view indecent images of them.
Some days are really tough but I just remind myself that I've made the decisions that are right for me it wouldn't be easy or either way. We wouod find it hard if we had chosen to stay. Thinking like that helps me, it reminds that this is just a tough situation for all of us that none of us asked for, we haven't made it harder by making our choices that are right for us.
Take care
Love to all xx
I too have had no contact. In fact the last time I ever saw my former partner we both left for work as usual. We have no children together and neither of us have any children. We lived together for 6 years and the relationship went on for 9 years.
I too grieve for the life I had. I manage it by reminding myself that I did what I believe is the right thing by me. I work with children and was not prepared to risk losing my personal and professional reputation for something he chose to do, not me. He too has lost his personal and professional reputation (he also worked with children) but then again, he chose to risk that. I did not. I use a few tactics to get through including spending some time writing down my feelings each day, counselling and running. I have always been sporty and always been in to running but now I do it pretty much every day as a release. It is okay to choose no contact yet miss your partner. I miss the person I thought he was, though have no intentions of being around the person I now know him to be. I was previously close to his family but with all this it has been easier for all to ct contact with them too. They view this as something that has happened to him, my view is that he made his choices and absolutely must be held to account for them. It hasn't 'happened to' him, he chose to commit serious crime. I fully appreciate there must be deep seated reasons and hope in time he gets support and becomes the man I know he can be, but in my view he will never be as vulnerable as the children he was abusing by choosing to view indecent images of them.
Some days are really tough but I just remind myself that I've made the decisions that are right for me it wouldn't be easy or either way. We wouod find it hard if we had chosen to stay. Thinking like that helps me, it reminds that this is just a tough situation for all of us that none of us asked for, we haven't made it harder by making our choices that are right for us.
Take care
Love to all xx
Thank you for your reply.
You are completely correct and I needed to read from someone who has chosen no contact too. I completely understand those that stay, and everybodies situation is so unique. I admire those that do. But I needed to read about your strength. It's so hard but I can't and won't put my kids at risk. I don't believe he is a threat to them, however while their is a risk I can't chance it. I know my kids Dad would take them in a heartbeat also and that's not a risk I'm prepared to take. He is an adult and does need to be held accountable for his actions.
I hope your okay.
Take care
You are completely correct and I needed to read from someone who has chosen no contact too. I completely understand those that stay, and everybodies situation is so unique. I admire those that do. But I needed to read about your strength. It's so hard but I can't and won't put my kids at risk. I don't believe he is a threat to them, however while their is a risk I can't chance it. I know my kids Dad would take them in a heartbeat also and that's not a risk I'm prepared to take. He is an adult and does need to be held accountable for his actions.
I hope your okay.
Take care
Hi Partner,
I'm glad my reply has helped you. Another thing I would say is that I'm a bit further along than you. It is actually 5 months tomorrow from the knock for me. I found that earlier on the no contact killed me as I just wanted to know from him. I intend to go to court at least to the plea hearing to get some sort of closure. For me, I can accept my relationship is over as I've seen the evidence of it, I need to see him in court to accept that reality too so I can move on. I've been in touch with the lead investigator by email a few times. Areas may vary but it may be worth seeing if police can inform you of charges, court dates etc. as they may do.
Don't think for a single second you are weaker than those who stay, I've allowed myself to think that way sometimes. It's not the case, everyone has to make their own decisions based on their individual circumstances. You are brave, we all are in this situation.
Love to all xx
I'm glad my reply has helped you. Another thing I would say is that I'm a bit further along than you. It is actually 5 months tomorrow from the knock for me. I found that earlier on the no contact killed me as I just wanted to know from him. I intend to go to court at least to the plea hearing to get some sort of closure. For me, I can accept my relationship is over as I've seen the evidence of it, I need to see him in court to accept that reality too so I can move on. I've been in touch with the lead investigator by email a few times. Areas may vary but it may be worth seeing if police can inform you of charges, court dates etc. as they may do.
Don't think for a single second you are weaker than those who stay, I've allowed myself to think that way sometimes. It's not the case, everyone has to make their own decisions based on their individual circumstances. You are brave, we all are in this situation.
Love to all xx
Hi Gemini,
You are right, it's less than 2 weeks for me and my emotions have been all over the place. Hence I've posted so much on here. This forum has been a god send. Work is invaluable for me at the moment. I'm so busy that I don't have time to think and I can continue to be me there.
I used to run but haven't in 3 years however I will start again. I find running puts me in a good place. Plus I have comfort are for a few years so the extra weight will come off. Always a bonus. On Monday I have the social workers meeting and I'm angry that his actions have involved them in my family life.
I read someone say it's a club that no one wants to be part of and that has resonated with me. We are all in such awful situations. I admire each and everyone on this forum and can only thank you all so much for your replies and support at this horrific time.
I need to come to terms with the fact that the man I thought was, wasn't.
Take care x
You are right, it's less than 2 weeks for me and my emotions have been all over the place. Hence I've posted so much on here. This forum has been a god send. Work is invaluable for me at the moment. I'm so busy that I don't have time to think and I can continue to be me there.
I used to run but haven't in 3 years however I will start again. I find running puts me in a good place. Plus I have comfort are for a few years so the extra weight will come off. Always a bonus. On Monday I have the social workers meeting and I'm angry that his actions have involved them in my family life.
I read someone say it's a club that no one wants to be part of and that has resonated with me. We are all in such awful situations. I admire each and everyone on this forum and can only thank you all so much for your replies and support at this horrific time.
I need to come to terms with the fact that the man I thought was, wasn't.
Take care x
Hi guys
I think you're both doing unbeliverably well, it's rubbish, the entire situation but you will get through it and it does get easier.
There is no right or wrong decision, it's incredibly individual and none of the decisions are easier than others.
You just have to do what you feel is right for you and your family.
For me there was no other decision then to leave and I don't regret that, I treat that he ever did it in the first place!
Take care lovely ladies xx
I think you're both doing unbeliverably well, it's rubbish, the entire situation but you will get through it and it does get easier.
There is no right or wrong decision, it's incredibly individual and none of the decisions are easier than others.
You just have to do what you feel is right for you and your family.
For me there was no other decision then to leave and I don't regret that, I treat that he ever did it in the first place!
Take care lovely ladies xx
Tracey,
Thank you. All so, so difficult. I have reached out to a family member of his. I feel better for it. This person didn't know so it's clear his head has been buried in the sand. This family member is completely trustworthy and has been incredible. But I feel better knowing that someone is looking at for him in a way that I now, cannot.
Thank goodness for this forum. Its so needed to have a judgement free zone, with others who understand. No one else could.
Love to anyone who needs it. X
Thank you. All so, so difficult. I have reached out to a family member of his. I feel better for it. This person didn't know so it's clear his head has been buried in the sand. This family member is completely trustworthy and has been incredible. But I feel better knowing that someone is looking at for him in a way that I now, cannot.
Thank goodness for this forum. Its so needed to have a judgement free zone, with others who understand. No one else could.
Love to anyone who needs it. X
Ok. 2 weeks tomorrow and I've survived. No contact, except with one family member of his who will now look out for him. 2 chats with the investigating officer. Children's services coming round and meeting us and chatting to my kids. And my new life, continues. My emotions are more level, less swings from love to anger etc. An ever present ache in my stomach but life hasn't come to an end.
I'm writing this for anybody else who comes to this forum, in shock and floods of tears after the knock. What I thought would destroy me, hasn't. This is livable.
Love to all xx
I'm writing this for anybody else who comes to this forum, in shock and floods of tears after the knock. What I thought would destroy me, hasn't. This is livable.
Love to all xx
I might shortly be in the same boat. It's 6 months on from the knock for us. He's not the same man, just a shell; it's broken him emotionally but we were drifting before that anyway. I've stayed because I love him and I know my leaving will crush him - he hasn't anyone else, one friend who lives a few hundred miles away. His dad cut contact with him, and his mam passed last year. But his constant depression, fear, and distance are becoming harder to cope with. It's my house, and he doesn't work, so he's nowhere to go while I can't move out and pay rent and a mortgage. So for the time being we're stuck in limbo, him telling me that he still loves me, but me not feeling it, not in the way I think I once did. He's not sexually attracted to children but does have a porn addiction, for which he's only now getting help - second counselling appt on Saturday. I think if I can conquer my fear of what it'll do to him, and the financial practicalities, I would leave for my own space tomorrow. It's so hard.
Edit: we were very much in love, and for a long time; this year is our 9th wedding anniversary, but we'd been together 8 years before that, and I mourn the loss of it all. The good times, the love, the contact (we haven't had relations in 2 years). I love him but I'm tired.
kls
Your story is so similar to mine except we have been together over 30 years. The other difference is that he won't tell me what he has done. I don't believe his 'I don't know' because he says he is going to plead guilty.
Five months post knock and each day gets longer. My only other family is our son who is working aboard at the moment. He is due to visit next month. Don't know how much longer I want or can keep up this pretence.
Your story is so similar to mine except we have been together over 30 years. The other difference is that he won't tell me what he has done. I don't believe his 'I don't know' because he says he is going to plead guilty.
Five months post knock and each day gets longer. My only other family is our son who is working aboard at the moment. He is due to visit next month. Don't know how much longer I want or can keep up this pretence.
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EmmaJ.
Don't beat yourself up about the years you spent together. I try and focus on the positive. There were many good times. My marriage was sound but he chose in recent times to be selfish (and stupid) and threw our relationship away. The past can't be changed but our futures can be. I think about this period as transition to new life. It is scary but it can't be as bad as how things are now. I admit I have bad days and can be up and down emotionally.
Be strong. This group of people give me so much strength and support. I would be completely adrift without them.
Don't beat yourself up about the years you spent together. I try and focus on the positive. There were many good times. My marriage was sound but he chose in recent times to be selfish (and stupid) and threw our relationship away. The past can't be changed but our futures can be. I think about this period as transition to new life. It is scary but it can't be as bad as how things are now. I admit I have bad days and can be up and down emotionally.
Be strong. This group of people give me so much strength and support. I would be completely adrift without them.
It's exactly the same with me.
I love him, I can't switch those feelings off overnight. I'm concerned about him. I don't believe he's a threat to anyone. I know he has a porm addiction. I hope he gets the help he needs. But as I'm a single mum with kids who aren't his I have no choice but to have no contact. Their Dad would have them in a shot. In that respect it's easier for me as the decision has been made for me so to speak.
Oi miss our past, my future is now new but I'm learning to deal with that although it's very early days.
I feel so much for you ladies who have children with, financial ties with, as it's so harder for you.
It's survivable though. It really is. Self care ladies. Please concentrate on looking after yourselves.
Love to all x
I love him, I can't switch those feelings off overnight. I'm concerned about him. I don't believe he's a threat to anyone. I know he has a porm addiction. I hope he gets the help he needs. But as I'm a single mum with kids who aren't his I have no choice but to have no contact. Their Dad would have them in a shot. In that respect it's easier for me as the decision has been made for me so to speak.
Oi miss our past, my future is now new but I'm learning to deal with that although it's very early days.
I feel so much for you ladies who have children with, financial ties with, as it's so harder for you.
It's survivable though. It really is. Self care ladies. Please concentrate on looking after yourselves.
Love to all x
Missing him so much this weekend. Emotional time. Getting used to my new life without him in it isn't the easiest. But it's my new reality and I have no choice. Feeling pretty crappy today.
Hi Partner
That's really normal and will be that way for a long while.
I find weekend the worst but I try to arrange things so I'm not sitting about on my own. I think you have to be careful that you're not too busy though because you still need time to have some self care.
It does get easier but takes its time
Try not to be too downhearted, keep coming on here, it really does help xx
That's really normal and will be that way for a long while.
I find weekend the worst but I try to arrange things so I'm not sitting about on my own. I think you have to be careful that you're not too busy though because you still need time to have some self care.
It does get easier but takes its time
Try not to be too downhearted, keep coming on here, it really does help xx
Thank you. I've joined a gym to keep me occupied. Kids away atm so my new routine is work, gym then sleep. Almost 3 weeks now xx