The police just took my partner
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This morning, me and my toddler daughter woke up to scuffling downstairs. I thought it was my partner back from his night out, and then I peek downstairs and there were 4 police officers.
My partner of 7 years has been arrested on suspicion of purchasing CP on the dark web, and I don't even know what to do. The offence allegedly happened 4 years ago whilst we were still together, and I've spoken to the most amazing lady from Stop It Now! about the next steps, and giving me support.
He's an amazing partner and dad, but knowing tidbits of what this allegation is, I'm assuming there's been prior investigation leading to them knocking on the door and taking him, so I just don't know. My gut is telling me he was browsing and accidently clicked on the wrong thing, but I also need to ensure 100% protection of my daughter. He's not allowed to sleep in the house with us in when he's released on bail, nor any unsupervised access of her. My daughter is attached to my leg when not at nursery anyway, so I guess she'll just be more so now.
My world is upside down, but my heart has always ached for those kids whose pictures are on the dark web, and their families- they're the real victims in these sorts of crimes, but I just don't want my daughter to suffer should he be charged.
I'm just lost, confused, scared. I don't know what to do.
My partner of 7 years has been arrested on suspicion of purchasing CP on the dark web, and I don't even know what to do. The offence allegedly happened 4 years ago whilst we were still together, and I've spoken to the most amazing lady from Stop It Now! about the next steps, and giving me support.
He's an amazing partner and dad, but knowing tidbits of what this allegation is, I'm assuming there's been prior investigation leading to them knocking on the door and taking him, so I just don't know. My gut is telling me he was browsing and accidently clicked on the wrong thing, but I also need to ensure 100% protection of my daughter. He's not allowed to sleep in the house with us in when he's released on bail, nor any unsupervised access of her. My daughter is attached to my leg when not at nursery anyway, so I guess she'll just be more so now.
My world is upside down, but my heart has always ached for those kids whose pictures are on the dark web, and their families- they're the real victims in these sorts of crimes, but I just don't want my daughter to suffer should he be charged.
I'm just lost, confused, scared. I don't know what to do.
I'm so sorry Woodpecker, it's all consuming in the first few weeks! I'm so glad that you called the help line and posted here. Take care, it's going to take some time to process and if you do have any support you can trust. Wrap them around you x
So very sorry to learn that you find yourself here. Over the coming days and weeks please kind and patient with yourself and allow yourself to move at your own pace. The first few days are hard as you try to cope with the shock. Please keep reaching out to the helpline and here if you have need to. There are some wonderful ladies here who have walked before you and will totally know how you are feeling.
Sending you and your little one virtual hugs.
Xxx
Sending you and your little one virtual hugs.
Xxx
Woodpecker your story is nearly identical to mine - offending 4 years prior and a 1 year old at home.
I'm a year on now and we've just had sentencing. Sadly my person's offending was intentional, he had a porn addiction I knew nothing about that spiralled and he then stopped offending but the online trail remains forever.
Keep breathing, make sure you get some space to think but make sure also that you talk to your person and understand what's happened. The helpline is amazing, I'd definitely prompt your partner to call if he hasn't already
I'm a year on now and we've just had sentencing. Sadly my person's offending was intentional, he had a porn addiction I knew nothing about that spiralled and he then stopped offending but the online trail remains forever.
Keep breathing, make sure you get some space to think but make sure also that you talk to your person and understand what's happened. The helpline is amazing, I'd definitely prompt your partner to call if he hasn't already
Thank you all for your amazing replies. I've spoken to him, and he's a bit all over the place, understandable I guess.
Due to the nature of the accusations, he's not allowed to sleep at the house with my daughter around, nor have any unsupervised contact. He's staying round a friends house tonight, and then he's going to figure out a more long term solution. It's a bit up in the air as to whether we will stay together, ultimately he's telling me what I want to hear, but I'm sorry when I say I feel I can't trust him 100% when I have police officers roaming our house. That's no situation any child should be in, and I'm incredibly protective of her. I was adopted as a young child as my biological parents were alcohol and substance abusers so you can imagine my horror when the police talk about social services. I just feel like I've failed her somehow, but I know I didn't do anything. It's a weird one.
Due to the nature of the accusations, he's not allowed to sleep at the house with my daughter around, nor have any unsupervised contact. He's staying round a friends house tonight, and then he's going to figure out a more long term solution. It's a bit up in the air as to whether we will stay together, ultimately he's telling me what I want to hear, but I'm sorry when I say I feel I can't trust him 100% when I have police officers roaming our house. That's no situation any child should be in, and I'm incredibly protective of her. I was adopted as a young child as my biological parents were alcohol and substance abusers so you can imagine my horror when the police talk about social services. I just feel like I've failed her somehow, but I know I didn't do anything. It's a weird one.
It is a suprise to us all, sadly..... but it is very norrmal for him not to be allowed home and we all live in this horrible limbo until devices are search and then we get a true picture of what they have done.
What is he saying now? has he admited it to you? is he seeking help for himself in terms of a 12 step programme or therapist? has he been charged with anything yet?
I had the knock in July for IIOC and it was horrible for the first 6 weeks, just horrible..... not it is very up and down so for a few weeks when there are no meetings with social services I feel more normal and then a meeting comes along and I am in pieces again.
I have done LFF Inform which I found really useful and I also have a stopso counsellor myself which has been great.
Today there was a meeting with SS and the police to review the bail as it is coming up to 6 months so I am quite tense as I know I will get an update before the end of the date tomorrow. I suspect what I am hoping for will not happen though as we are not on out second social worker and she hasn't fully read the file even though we have met twice since the last SW left.
What is he saying now? has he admited it to you? is he seeking help for himself in terms of a 12 step programme or therapist? has he been charged with anything yet?
I had the knock in July for IIOC and it was horrible for the first 6 weeks, just horrible..... not it is very up and down so for a few weeks when there are no meetings with social services I feel more normal and then a meeting comes along and I am in pieces again.
I have done LFF Inform which I found really useful and I also have a stopso counsellor myself which has been great.
Today there was a meeting with SS and the police to review the bail as it is coming up to 6 months so I am quite tense as I know I will get an update before the end of the date tomorrow. I suspect what I am hoping for will not happen though as we are not on out second social worker and she hasn't fully read the file even though we have met twice since the last SW left.
Scaredmumof3 - the alleged offence that was the reason for the arrest he is denying, but he's unfortunately told me that there could be things that would class as possession of indecent imagery (category A). He hasn't given passwords to the police which is making me unfortunately suspect him, although maybe the duty solicitor advised him to do this. He doesn't want to get my hopes up and we are both assuming the worst.
He's not seeked that sort of help but he's got antidepressants from the GP.
His first bail hearing is in February, but the chances of this are slim to none.
Did you speak to any family or friends? I've had to tell my manager because I've been a mess, but that's all I've told. She's been amazing and had someone in her family who got charged for the same thing. She basically was like "if you need a day off work, just shout out and we will cover you paid" so that's really nice.
He's told his mum as he's living there now, and he's trying to push me towards not speaking to mine about it because she would understandably go off the walls. Now it's making me question if I should say anything, or not. I know if my daughter was going through this, I'd 100% want her to tell me, so I can support her.
I can imagine it's very up and down, where you're just feeling normal and then BANG social worker or a letter from the police. Really not looking forward to it all, really all I want to do at the moment is take my daughter and run. I don't want her dealing with all of this. I know it's super hard on my partner and he needs my support, but we will lose this house, I will have to somehow survive as a full time working mum on her own. And I didn't even do anything wrong.
Im definitely going to enquire about LFF inform, it looks really good from what I was reading today. I definitely need therapy or a counsellor because my mind is just constantly racing. I have my first in person meeting with the social worker on Friday, so I'll at least be able to find out where her head is at, and what her advice is.
I need to find out how all that works and what's needed to NFA or charge. I guess that's where the inform classes come in handy.
He's not seeked that sort of help but he's got antidepressants from the GP.
His first bail hearing is in February, but the chances of this are slim to none.
Did you speak to any family or friends? I've had to tell my manager because I've been a mess, but that's all I've told. She's been amazing and had someone in her family who got charged for the same thing. She basically was like "if you need a day off work, just shout out and we will cover you paid" so that's really nice.
He's told his mum as he's living there now, and he's trying to push me towards not speaking to mine about it because she would understandably go off the walls. Now it's making me question if I should say anything, or not. I know if my daughter was going through this, I'd 100% want her to tell me, so I can support her.
I can imagine it's very up and down, where you're just feeling normal and then BANG social worker or a letter from the police. Really not looking forward to it all, really all I want to do at the moment is take my daughter and run. I don't want her dealing with all of this. I know it's super hard on my partner and he needs my support, but we will lose this house, I will have to somehow survive as a full time working mum on her own. And I didn't even do anything wrong.
Im definitely going to enquire about LFF inform, it looks really good from what I was reading today. I definitely need therapy or a counsellor because my mind is just constantly racing. I have my first in person meeting with the social worker on Friday, so I'll at least be able to find out where her head is at, and what her advice is.
I need to find out how all that works and what's needed to NFA or charge. I guess that's where the inform classes come in handy.
I have told 1 friend but not my parents in case we stay together as they are older and I don't want to be judged.... it is too hard. I almost told another friend the day of the knock but now I am glad I didn't as it is a lot to put on another person esp if they have a family of their own.
my partner has a stop so therapist and has joined SAA (he was addicted to porm which then led to IIOC) so, so far he is heading in the right direction and he got a lot of this advice from the LFF helpline in the early days
in many ways his life is much better now as he has male friends who support him which he never had before...... just wish it hadn't been this that forced him to sort himself out properly
my partner has a stop so therapist and has joined SAA (he was addicted to porm which then led to IIOC) so, so far he is heading in the right direction and he got a lot of this advice from the LFF helpline in the early days
in many ways his life is much better now as he has male friends who support him which he never had before...... just wish it hadn't been this that forced him to sort himself out properly
Has it been harder dealing with social services when you say you're staying with your partner?
I almost told a friend as well on the day, but she's got a lot going on herself and I'm glad I didn't say anything.
He's coming round tomorrow (daughter will be at nursery) and I'm going to tell him to speak to the LFF helpline. He doesn't seem to want to for some reason, but I can see him burying his head in the sand a bit.
I almost told a friend as well on the day, but she's got a lot going on herself and I'm glad I didn't say anything.
He's coming round tomorrow (daughter will be at nursery) and I'm going to tell him to speak to the LFF helpline. He doesn't seem to want to for some reason, but I can see him burying his head in the sand a bit.
Speaking to LFF will really help him, and it will be what his solicitor advises him to do.
x
x
It has been hard dealing with SS yes as I work in a fast paced job and they do not!
But they are happy for us to stay together and they are just checking I understand 1) how serious it is and 2) his behaviours and tell signs as he is doing great now but what happens when / if he is not in 12, 24, 48 months.
Everything is so slow but I am giving into the lack of control I have, slowly!!!
However if the police find anything more than the images he has admited then I will reconsider everything again.
But they are happy for us to stay together and they are just checking I understand 1) how serious it is and 2) his behaviours and tell signs as he is doing great now but what happens when / if he is not in 12, 24, 48 months.
Everything is so slow but I am giving into the lack of control I have, slowly!!!
However if the police find anything more than the images he has admited then I will reconsider everything again.
I'm sorry you find yourself here.
Everyone is different who they tell. My Manager knows (again she went through similar around 3 years ago), my best friend, my surrogate mother and sister and my mum and brother also my OHs Manager at work and his best friend.
All I can say is this is a long long process. You and your little one need support. You will need a day off every now and again to process your feelings and she also needs someone else other than you. None of the authorities will help or assist as we are seen as guilty as our partners. In my experience play the game with the social workers, show all your priorities relate to your child. That's what they want to see. Social Workers very often can't even tell you the full evidence allegation list etc, the police have to give them permission. The police won't tell you either. I felt it all a big game to them. Asking me questions I couldn't answer in some cases because no one would tell me what was going on.
I asked my OH to allow me full disclosure by the solicitors and he did straight away. For me that is so important. When I found out the allegation he was arrested for and the evidence they had to arrest I was very suprised. But once I had that understanding things clicked into place for me. And that was when I started to think 1 step at a time for me and my child. I still have contact and I supervise him and my child everyday. And I do support him where I can but he understands that our child comes first.
On Xmas day it will be 11 months to the day, the devices have been back now for 10 weeks, a second interview was conducted 8 weeks ago and still no charges and still released under investigation with the bail condition that he cannot live here. It's a long process. It's hard but you have to forget their wants/ demands and focus on you and little one.
Not everyone is judgemental. I thought my mum, brother and surrogate mum would all judge. But not one of them has (the mums are late 70s/ early 80s) they also are in full possession of the facts as I am. You will find in time that once the devices are finished and you know what you are facing that you will be able to open up to more people because you will be armed with the information rather than an answer of "I don't know". Everyone is different this is just my experience
Everyone is different who they tell. My Manager knows (again she went through similar around 3 years ago), my best friend, my surrogate mother and sister and my mum and brother also my OHs Manager at work and his best friend.
All I can say is this is a long long process. You and your little one need support. You will need a day off every now and again to process your feelings and she also needs someone else other than you. None of the authorities will help or assist as we are seen as guilty as our partners. In my experience play the game with the social workers, show all your priorities relate to your child. That's what they want to see. Social Workers very often can't even tell you the full evidence allegation list etc, the police have to give them permission. The police won't tell you either. I felt it all a big game to them. Asking me questions I couldn't answer in some cases because no one would tell me what was going on.
I asked my OH to allow me full disclosure by the solicitors and he did straight away. For me that is so important. When I found out the allegation he was arrested for and the evidence they had to arrest I was very suprised. But once I had that understanding things clicked into place for me. And that was when I started to think 1 step at a time for me and my child. I still have contact and I supervise him and my child everyday. And I do support him where I can but he understands that our child comes first.
On Xmas day it will be 11 months to the day, the devices have been back now for 10 weeks, a second interview was conducted 8 weeks ago and still no charges and still released under investigation with the bail condition that he cannot live here. It's a long process. It's hard but you have to forget their wants/ demands and focus on you and little one.
Not everyone is judgemental. I thought my mum, brother and surrogate mum would all judge. But not one of them has (the mums are late 70s/ early 80s) they also are in full possession of the facts as I am. You will find in time that once the devices are finished and you know what you are facing that you will be able to open up to more people because you will be armed with the information rather than an answer of "I don't know". Everyone is different this is just my experience