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My person was arrested a few weeks ago, after I found iioc and had to report him myself, swiftly followed by the knock and arrest. Person has left the family home and so far I have organised contact with son via Skype.
However after the shock and immediate adrenaline, confiscation of devices, police contact, ss assessment - I'm starting to fall apart. Everything so far is for my son as I've taken myself out of the equation (I will deal with my feelings later) , but now I've organised an person contact which is supervised by myself (and few other interested family) I feel I've pushed myself into a corner I'm not comfortable with. I'm trying to take control but at the same time it is a massive emotional burden and I'm panicking.....
Ss basically signed me off happy I will safely supervise and gone.
I don't want his family supervising (they have taken this all too lightly and said 'they are not taking sides' despite it not been *a side* having to report this to police).
I've briefly looked at contact centres where a neutral party can supervise (at a cost) but concerned they may see me been fussy not letting his family supervise and simply say no.
I feel I am been selfish if I now say I'm not prepared to supervise this visit and the possible further loss of control if I do refuse... It's a no win situation.
*tbh my son is happy on the Skype calls and previously didn't want to meet in person, I've been supportive and careful to stay neutral but it was me who instigated a visit and he was a little hesitatant but then happy to meet. I don't think it will impact him if I cancel this contact right now as long as I continue to emotional support and keep up the Skype calls. But it is all impacting me alot and I'm the one who has to support son 24/7
I guess I'm asking what others have done for contact when they really haven't forgiven their person..... Or how long from the knock to contacts.... Or when having others step in to supervise?
Thanks for reading my rambling thoughts!
However after the shock and immediate adrenaline, confiscation of devices, police contact, ss assessment - I'm starting to fall apart. Everything so far is for my son as I've taken myself out of the equation (I will deal with my feelings later) , but now I've organised an person contact which is supervised by myself (and few other interested family) I feel I've pushed myself into a corner I'm not comfortable with. I'm trying to take control but at the same time it is a massive emotional burden and I'm panicking.....
Ss basically signed me off happy I will safely supervise and gone.
I don't want his family supervising (they have taken this all too lightly and said 'they are not taking sides' despite it not been *a side* having to report this to police).
I've briefly looked at contact centres where a neutral party can supervise (at a cost) but concerned they may see me been fussy not letting his family supervise and simply say no.
I feel I am been selfish if I now say I'm not prepared to supervise this visit and the possible further loss of control if I do refuse... It's a no win situation.
*tbh my son is happy on the Skype calls and previously didn't want to meet in person, I've been supportive and careful to stay neutral but it was me who instigated a visit and he was a little hesitatant but then happy to meet. I don't think it will impact him if I cancel this contact right now as long as I continue to emotional support and keep up the Skype calls. But it is all impacting me alot and I'm the one who has to support son 24/7
I guess I'm asking what others have done for contact when they really haven't forgiven their person..... Or how long from the knock to contacts.... Or when having others step in to supervise?
Thanks for reading my rambling thoughts!
I'm so sorry that you're going through all of this. It's a natural response to put your child first but it's also really important to remember that you must look after your own emotional and physical wellbeing in order to care for him.
Our daughter is a toddler now and I was pregnant at the time of the knock (hence the name) so she has only ever known supervised contact with her dad. I do have a couple of things to input in terms of what you've raised here though; I looked at contact centres as an option and decided against due to the other service users and potentially what that would expose my daughter to. If you went through courts for contact to be agreed then I doubt they'd see you as being "fussy" when considering your son's safety with other family members or your own mental wellbeing. Contact centre costs are covered by the party unable to provide a safe environment for the child so his dad in this case.
There are courses that his family or anyone willing to supervise contact can do and also protective adult assessments if these would put your mind at ease.
It is important to remember that whilst the way his family articulate things to you may seem inappropriate given the circumstances they will be going through grief stages like yourself. It's a huge shock for all involved and potentially shouldn't be taken as a reflection on whether they can/will keep your son safe. Only you will know what they are like and how much you trust them. I've just read the devastation of grandparents on here when the parents of their grandchildren lose trust in them over something that isn't their fault.
I'd also like to say how incredibly strong you are for reporting and reaching out on here for help so early on. Sending you love and strength xxx
Our daughter is a toddler now and I was pregnant at the time of the knock (hence the name) so she has only ever known supervised contact with her dad. I do have a couple of things to input in terms of what you've raised here though; I looked at contact centres as an option and decided against due to the other service users and potentially what that would expose my daughter to. If you went through courts for contact to be agreed then I doubt they'd see you as being "fussy" when considering your son's safety with other family members or your own mental wellbeing. Contact centre costs are covered by the party unable to provide a safe environment for the child so his dad in this case.
There are courses that his family or anyone willing to supervise contact can do and also protective adult assessments if these would put your mind at ease.
It is important to remember that whilst the way his family articulate things to you may seem inappropriate given the circumstances they will be going through grief stages like yourself. It's a huge shock for all involved and potentially shouldn't be taken as a reflection on whether they can/will keep your son safe. Only you will know what they are like and how much you trust them. I've just read the devastation of grandparents on here when the parents of their grandchildren lose trust in them over something that isn't their fault.
I'd also like to say how incredibly strong you are for reporting and reaching out on here for help so early on. Sending you love and strength xxx
I second everything distressed said.
But also please be aware that there is lots of support out there for you. There are LFF courses, Safer Lives and Circles all offer help.
This is a massive emotional burden, and it takes a long time to process. Stopso also offer specialist counselling.
The first weeks are awful, whatever your circumstances. Sending you support and strength
xxx
But also please be aware that there is lots of support out there for you. There are LFF courses, Safer Lives and Circles all offer help.
This is a massive emotional burden, and it takes a long time to process. Stopso also offer specialist counselling.
The first weeks are awful, whatever your circumstances. Sending you support and strength
xxx
*update - randomly reading my old posts and thought I would update incase anyone else found themselves where I was last year in regards to child contact.
I ended up supervising the visit, he brought additional family members last minute so I asked my sister to also join us as I felt outnumbered! To keep things positive it was just before Xmas, so I planned lots of xmas treats games, bought some painting arts and crafts son loves. I wanted to keep it positive as well as busy as knew it would be emotional.... Well it was painful! Everyone except the ex put on a brave face, showered son with joyful love and fun and ex simply said how hard it was for him.
Son had mixed emotions after quite understandably, and ended up down a dark path for months needing some answers and closure! We kept up video calls but eventually stopped as son hated them as he said dad was only talking about himself and not keeping his promises.
He didn't even ask to see son again for many many months. At which point the ex was still playing the victim and making repeated promising so to visit and generally toxic selfish video calls. At this point I said I couldn't supervise again as I couldn't put on a false smile and signposted him to a contact centre. He tried really hard to manipulate me into supervising, I know now how manipulative he had been in our entire relationship and constantly pushed any of my boundaries. But I stuck to this as I really think it's in sons best interests for a 3rd party and safe supervising.
I'd spoken to social services in the interim who were very supportive of me and back me using a 3rd party and pretty much said if he disagreed would happily back me in court. This was a worry of mine it been taken out of my hands if I refused to supervise myself. We would have to pay for this service but I happily offered to pay it as I requested it.
Several months pass and I repeatedly chase up ex for contact. The particular centre refuse to supervise and I signpost to others (quick Google search as most state if they will supervise prior to court outcomes).
Repeated follow ups and nothing. At 12 months I say no more false promises and he can pursue after court case.
I imagine he has no intention of further contact with son as he has moved on with his life? But instead of admitting this and drawing a line he is simply bad mouthing me to others saying I am been uncooperative whilst making no effort with contact, he did even send son a birthday card (another manipulative move to push the safe boundary I wanted).
After court who knows what life will bring. I don't know if ex will eventually want contact but unless he takes accountability for his actions I will stick with 3rd party contact until he rebuilds some trust.
So after that ramble! My advice is if unsure please do give duty social services a call, they really were helpful and informative (I imagine They had seen these manipulative exs before so knew the drill!). I imagine Lucy faith well would be great too I just didn't use them for this issue. Please do stick to your boundaries and surround yourself with family and friend who will support you though this awful journey. X
I ended up supervising the visit, he brought additional family members last minute so I asked my sister to also join us as I felt outnumbered! To keep things positive it was just before Xmas, so I planned lots of xmas treats games, bought some painting arts and crafts son loves. I wanted to keep it positive as well as busy as knew it would be emotional.... Well it was painful! Everyone except the ex put on a brave face, showered son with joyful love and fun and ex simply said how hard it was for him.
Son had mixed emotions after quite understandably, and ended up down a dark path for months needing some answers and closure! We kept up video calls but eventually stopped as son hated them as he said dad was only talking about himself and not keeping his promises.
He didn't even ask to see son again for many many months. At which point the ex was still playing the victim and making repeated promising so to visit and generally toxic selfish video calls. At this point I said I couldn't supervise again as I couldn't put on a false smile and signposted him to a contact centre. He tried really hard to manipulate me into supervising, I know now how manipulative he had been in our entire relationship and constantly pushed any of my boundaries. But I stuck to this as I really think it's in sons best interests for a 3rd party and safe supervising.
I'd spoken to social services in the interim who were very supportive of me and back me using a 3rd party and pretty much said if he disagreed would happily back me in court. This was a worry of mine it been taken out of my hands if I refused to supervise myself. We would have to pay for this service but I happily offered to pay it as I requested it.
Several months pass and I repeatedly chase up ex for contact. The particular centre refuse to supervise and I signpost to others (quick Google search as most state if they will supervise prior to court outcomes).
Repeated follow ups and nothing. At 12 months I say no more false promises and he can pursue after court case.
I imagine he has no intention of further contact with son as he has moved on with his life? But instead of admitting this and drawing a line he is simply bad mouthing me to others saying I am been uncooperative whilst making no effort with contact, he did even send son a birthday card (another manipulative move to push the safe boundary I wanted).
After court who knows what life will bring. I don't know if ex will eventually want contact but unless he takes accountability for his actions I will stick with 3rd party contact until he rebuilds some trust.
So after that ramble! My advice is if unsure please do give duty social services a call, they really were helpful and informative (I imagine They had seen these manipulative exs before so knew the drill!). I imagine Lucy faith well would be great too I just didn't use them for this issue. Please do stick to your boundaries and surround yourself with family and friend who will support you though this awful journey. X
Bondi
You sound like an incredible Mum. X
You sound like an incredible Mum. X