Struggling
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I'm having a really tough time with my OH. He was arrested in October and, after a short spell in a mental health unit, has been at home (albeit sleeping in separate bedrooms) since.
His mental health is so so low. He never expressed any issues before all this (he was always one to say don't worry) but it's now like a tsunami. It's like his two worlds have collided. He talks about being on the edge of a dark hole and when he gets upset starts rocking and muttering to himself. He's having stomach and sleep problems and heart racing and light-headedness, all symptoms of anxiety and stress. He's got a great GP, thankfully, and has just been started on a mild antidepressant, sees a mental health nurse once a month, speaks to LFF once a week, and is working through the modules.
But I'm struggling. I'm trying so hard not to get angry or upset in front of him as that makes him break down again. But every time I see children (eg I was out walking today and there were lots of families), all I can then see in my mind's eye is what I imagine he's been looking at/watching/downloading and it breaks my heart.
I'm trying to put a brave face on for my immediate family (who all think I should end the marriage, while his parents think I should give him a second chance) but I'm in turmoil. I know I mustn't make any hasty decisions and I can't anyway as we're in the process of closing down our business and there's a lot to sort out, before then finding new jobs (I want to be financially secure before I decide what to do) but in the meantime I've got to cope with trying to look after him and myself.
How on earth do I find a way through?
His mental health is so so low. He never expressed any issues before all this (he was always one to say don't worry) but it's now like a tsunami. It's like his two worlds have collided. He talks about being on the edge of a dark hole and when he gets upset starts rocking and muttering to himself. He's having stomach and sleep problems and heart racing and light-headedness, all symptoms of anxiety and stress. He's got a great GP, thankfully, and has just been started on a mild antidepressant, sees a mental health nurse once a month, speaks to LFF once a week, and is working through the modules.
But I'm struggling. I'm trying so hard not to get angry or upset in front of him as that makes him break down again. But every time I see children (eg I was out walking today and there were lots of families), all I can then see in my mind's eye is what I imagine he's been looking at/watching/downloading and it breaks my heart.
I'm trying to put a brave face on for my immediate family (who all think I should end the marriage, while his parents think I should give him a second chance) but I'm in turmoil. I know I mustn't make any hasty decisions and I can't anyway as we're in the process of closing down our business and there's a lot to sort out, before then finding new jobs (I want to be financially secure before I decide what to do) but in the meantime I've got to cope with trying to look after him and myself.
How on earth do I find a way through?
Dear L&T,
How sad I felt reading your post, you have so much to cope with as you wrestle with everything, everybody and sort through not only your own feelings but everyone else's expectations. I'm sure we've all been through elements of your story.
Throughout our ordeal our son has remained strong (although a reserved person) / admitted his guilt and bravely faced the consequences of what he's done. By being caught, he was rid the burdon and shame of his secret life, it forced a new beginning.
In a way this has helped me on my side rebuild my/our lives, not having to worry about his mental health. If he was in pieces it would make this journey so much more difficult as a mum.
Not a lot to offer practically I'm afraid. Only send my support, a shoulder and understanding x I'm sure a light shines at the end of the dark tunnels we are all travelling through x
How sad I felt reading your post, you have so much to cope with as you wrestle with everything, everybody and sort through not only your own feelings but everyone else's expectations. I'm sure we've all been through elements of your story.
Throughout our ordeal our son has remained strong (although a reserved person) / admitted his guilt and bravely faced the consequences of what he's done. By being caught, he was rid the burdon and shame of his secret life, it forced a new beginning.
In a way this has helped me on my side rebuild my/our lives, not having to worry about his mental health. If he was in pieces it would make this journey so much more difficult as a mum.
Not a lot to offer practically I'm afraid. Only send my support, a shoulder and understanding x I'm sure a light shines at the end of the dark tunnels we are all travelling through x
Lost & torn
I feel your pain. We're a few weeks ahead of you regarding arrest. I am coping but feel my emotions bubbling up again when we spend time together. I've done the crying and shouting but it's so hard when you remember the life you had and the future you had planned. I'm really trying not to get ahead of myself. Not to look to far into the future but its difficult as a lot of people on here will testify to.
My OH and I are living separately but still see each other. He has been having weekly therapy sessions and that's helped him. We really do need to remember to look after our own needs. Apart from his therapist I've been his only other support. Thankfully he is now speaking with his mum but his grown up son has not been in contact with him since this happened so I do feel the pressure sometimes of supporting him. My daughter grown up daughter doesn't want anything to do with him either but thankfully my sister and my best friend still see him as the lovely man he is who has made a massive mistake and they are extremely supportive of me.
Sending you hugs and strength and just know people on here understand x
I feel your pain. We're a few weeks ahead of you regarding arrest. I am coping but feel my emotions bubbling up again when we spend time together. I've done the crying and shouting but it's so hard when you remember the life you had and the future you had planned. I'm really trying not to get ahead of myself. Not to look to far into the future but its difficult as a lot of people on here will testify to.
My OH and I are living separately but still see each other. He has been having weekly therapy sessions and that's helped him. We really do need to remember to look after our own needs. Apart from his therapist I've been his only other support. Thankfully he is now speaking with his mum but his grown up son has not been in contact with him since this happened so I do feel the pressure sometimes of supporting him. My daughter grown up daughter doesn't want anything to do with him either but thankfully my sister and my best friend still see him as the lovely man he is who has made a massive mistake and they are extremely supportive of me.
Sending you hugs and strength and just know people on here understand x
Thanks for your replies everyone, it really helps to know we're not alone in this awful time.
Parkerpoo I'm sorry you had those thoughts. I haven't, thankfully, but my OH has and although I don't think he'd act on them I do worry each morning when he doesn't get up straight away and I dread going into his room.
Smile, thank you, it's all so overwhelming right now. I hope it will be a new beginning for my OH but right now it's hard to see that light.
Caggie, you're spot on with being sad and angry about the life you had and the future you had planned - I feel exactly the same, like he's stolen all of that from me. It's impossible for me to ask him to leave at the moment - not only because of our business, but because he has nowhere else to go and I think if I asked him to leave it might push him completely over the edge and I don't want that responsibility. How are you finding living apart?
His parents are supportive but his sister and nieces won't speak to him. My parents are supporting me but don't want to see him, and my sister and her husband are pushing me to leave him.
So I'm being pulled in all directions while I'm trying to work out what's for the best, trying to support him, and trying to be strong for myself too. So I'm stuck for now, at least while we close our business down and find new jobs in the next few months. If it eventually comes to us splitting and selling our house I'll need a regular employed income first in order to apply for a mortgage on my own.
So much to think about and it's impossible not to worry about what will happen in the coming months and years - I also dread the press finding out and making a huge story out of it.
Has anyone done the LFF Inform course for families and would you recommend it?
Parkerpoo I'm sorry you had those thoughts. I haven't, thankfully, but my OH has and although I don't think he'd act on them I do worry each morning when he doesn't get up straight away and I dread going into his room.
Smile, thank you, it's all so overwhelming right now. I hope it will be a new beginning for my OH but right now it's hard to see that light.
Caggie, you're spot on with being sad and angry about the life you had and the future you had planned - I feel exactly the same, like he's stolen all of that from me. It's impossible for me to ask him to leave at the moment - not only because of our business, but because he has nowhere else to go and I think if I asked him to leave it might push him completely over the edge and I don't want that responsibility. How are you finding living apart?
His parents are supportive but his sister and nieces won't speak to him. My parents are supporting me but don't want to see him, and my sister and her husband are pushing me to leave him.
So I'm being pulled in all directions while I'm trying to work out what's for the best, trying to support him, and trying to be strong for myself too. So I'm stuck for now, at least while we close our business down and find new jobs in the next few months. If it eventually comes to us splitting and selling our house I'll need a regular employed income first in order to apply for a mortgage on my own.
So much to think about and it's impossible not to worry about what will happen in the coming months and years - I also dread the press finding out and making a huge story out of it.
Has anyone done the LFF Inform course for families and would you recommend it?
Hi,
I have done the inform course and it is helpful but for what you've described in your post it may not be the best for you right now. I had cbt and hypnotherapy initially then did the inform course and have now signed up for counselling with circles south east as they offer upto 30 hours free counselling. A lot of people have worked with stopso therapists who also specialise in these offences. As far as I know they charge but might be worth looking into further.
It is really hard but try not to think too far ahead, this journey is incredibly difficult to predict and the emotions we experience change often. Allow yourself time as often as you can to do something that you enjoy to free your mind a little xxx
I have done the inform course and it is helpful but for what you've described in your post it may not be the best for you right now. I had cbt and hypnotherapy initially then did the inform course and have now signed up for counselling with circles south east as they offer upto 30 hours free counselling. A lot of people have worked with stopso therapists who also specialise in these offences. As far as I know they charge but might be worth looking into further.
It is really hard but try not to think too far ahead, this journey is incredibly difficult to predict and the emotions we experience change often. Allow yourself time as often as you can to do something that you enjoy to free your mind a little xxx
Thanks Distressed and Pregnant. I contacted LFF/SIN about my situation and they recommended the Inform course, potentially one-to-one, so I think it probably is suitable. It's always hard to cover everything in one post.
It's all so very difficult, I've already changed my mind 1000 times and I'm not even two months in! I can't help thinking about what the future will hold but I won't be making any quick decisions, despite what my family want me to do xx
It's all so very difficult, I've already changed my mind 1000 times and I'm not even two months in! I can't help thinking about what the future will hold but I won't be making any quick decisions, despite what my family want me to do xx