Should I stay or should I go?
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I am struggling with whether I need to move out of the area at all. My partner was arrested 2 months ago and is doing all the right things in terms of therapy and programmes etc. I don't know if we can stay together because things were really not great before this. We were coasting but we weren't happy. But he is doing so much self discovery that I feel we might be able to ge through this together. Although the trust is a big issue when he could keep such a big secret from me (porn addiction that lead to viewing iioc- sightly underage is what he's told me).
He says he needs to move out of the area and start afresh. He doesn't want to go back to his job even if he can as he was miserable. His parents are telling me I'm naïve to think that the truth won't become public and me and the children will be harassed and bullied if we stay here. And even if it doesn't come out, the rumours and talking behind our backs will be just as bad.
Do I uproot the children and move area, schools and put them through all that just in case the worst case happens? Or do I stay and hope for the best - but if it happens the damage is already done in terms of my children being traumatised but bullying and harassment?
Any experiences either way would be really helpful.
He says he needs to move out of the area and start afresh. He doesn't want to go back to his job even if he can as he was miserable. His parents are telling me I'm naïve to think that the truth won't become public and me and the children will be harassed and bullied if we stay here. And even if it doesn't come out, the rumours and talking behind our backs will be just as bad.
Do I uproot the children and move area, schools and put them through all that just in case the worst case happens? Or do I stay and hope for the best - but if it happens the damage is already done in terms of my children being traumatised but bullying and harassment?
Any experiences either way would be really helpful.
Not everything comes out so you don't have to move. I would give it a bit of time.
I think it is too easy for men to blame their job and being unhappy in that. I feel there is likely to be more below why he is unhappy. Better to address that before you make big decisions to uproot your life and children.
My OH "go to" is that he is unhappy with his job but in reality he doesn't know how to handle anxiety and stress & now he is dealing with that issue his job us better for him. He still doesn't like it but he is not going to leave yet and will not leave without a plan for what he does next.....
It is too complicated for me to move so that is not an option for us so sitting tight now until sentencing (which will be a long time away I am guessing based on posts on this group) so I will have to grin and bare it if it does come out. But in summary you have time so please don't rush into this..... work out what you want first and that sadly needs more time.
I also have issues with trust but I am giving him time and spare to sort himself out and then I will see where we are at.
I think it is too easy for men to blame their job and being unhappy in that. I feel there is likely to be more below why he is unhappy. Better to address that before you make big decisions to uproot your life and children.
My OH "go to" is that he is unhappy with his job but in reality he doesn't know how to handle anxiety and stress & now he is dealing with that issue his job us better for him. He still doesn't like it but he is not going to leave yet and will not leave without a plan for what he does next.....
It is too complicated for me to move so that is not an option for us so sitting tight now until sentencing (which will be a long time away I am guessing based on posts on this group) so I will have to grin and bare it if it does come out. But in summary you have time so please don't rush into this..... work out what you want first and that sadly needs more time.
I also have issues with trust but I am giving him time and spare to sort himself out and then I will see where we are at.
I think it really depends. We sold our house and left the arwa but we needed to reduce the financial burden of our mortgage knowing he would lose his job. We felt we had nothing to lose with a change of area too, which has made my work commute and logistics around childcare much easier. We could also afford a nicer house in a cheaper area. We didn't have ties to the previous area though so it was easy, and the child we have is pre school age. Personally I've moved a lot and don't mind. If you have deep roots in an area it might be more difficult, especially for your children if they are teenagers etc
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We have stayed put despite the fact that the case was online and in the local paper after both court appearances. Everyone around us knows but nothing awful has happened. Some people choose to ignore my person when they see him but that is as bad as it's been.
Hi
I'm in a similar position- I'm not sure if I can remain in this relationship. It's a fundamental breach of trust that he kept his porn addiction that led to viewing iioc secret and didn't seek help. I'm also wondering about moving as we have a teenage son and I can't bear the thought of him being ostracized for what his father has done. I've heard that things in terms of prosecution/the investigation could move faster than I'd hoped. I was hoping for more time to sort through my feelings and figure what will be best for my son and myself. So I understand your dilemma.
I'm in a similar position- I'm not sure if I can remain in this relationship. It's a fundamental breach of trust that he kept his porn addiction that led to viewing iioc secret and didn't seek help. I'm also wondering about moving as we have a teenage son and I can't bear the thought of him being ostracized for what his father has done. I've heard that things in terms of prosecution/the investigation could move faster than I'd hoped. I was hoping for more time to sort through my feelings and figure what will be best for my son and myself. So I understand your dilemma.
It's so hard. Thank you for your replies.
Im pretty sure we need to sell our house as he won't get another job earning anywhere near what he was earning. And we'll have to do that in the new year but if we need to move I hope not to until the end of the school year. One child will be changing schools after summer so I don't want to pull them out before the end of school.
im thinking we will have to put the house on the market and then rent, whether it's local or elsewhere (depending on how long the house sale takes) and hopefully by then there maybe some progress in the case and perhaps some more clarity about how I feel and whether he is genuine about all the changes he says he'll make.
Id really appreciate hearing about more stories of if it came out and if there was a negative impact on you and your children. Thanks.
Im pretty sure we need to sell our house as he won't get another job earning anywhere near what he was earning. And we'll have to do that in the new year but if we need to move I hope not to until the end of the school year. One child will be changing schools after summer so I don't want to pull them out before the end of school.
im thinking we will have to put the house on the market and then rent, whether it's local or elsewhere (depending on how long the house sale takes) and hopefully by then there maybe some progress in the case and perhaps some more clarity about how I feel and whether he is genuine about all the changes he says he'll make.
Id really appreciate hearing about more stories of if it came out and if there was a negative impact on you and your children. Thanks.
Having read the forum for a long time but never actively participating. I wanted to reach out as someone who left their partner. All I can say is, in your post you openly say that you were coasting before this. Listen to your gut. Deep down you do know what you want to do. Nothing in this process is easy, whether you stay or whether you leave him.
Do what is right for you, not whats right for him. Be true to yourself and the future life you want and deserve, for yourself and your children. He has put you in this situation but you can control your future and your path.
Do what is right for you, not whats right for him. Be true to yourself and the future life you want and deserve, for yourself and your children. He has put you in this situation but you can control your future and your path.