Women who stay
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So a couple of days ago we got the knock. 4 officers came into our home and arrested my husband on suspicion of distributing indecent images. My world fell apart. The wait for him being released felt like a life time. Long story short he admitted to me that whilst he was drunk and on cocaine he had come across a child abuse video that he then sent to this girl he was I'm guessing seeing at the time. As we had split. He said he shared it because he said how sick it was and apparently the two of these used to speak about all things taboo. My husband has a drug and porn addiction that has ruined our relationship hence the split. But he had never looked at anything like this before. He was adamant that there was no sexual arousal he said he as the addiction to looking at really taboo things on these I'm guessing illegal sites and one video goes into the next and unfortunately this time it led into this very disturbing video. He never has a problem with this whilst he is not intoxicated and this is something I know for a fact. But the thought that he even viewed this makes me sick to my stomach. He is not allowed to return home now. And he is bailed for 3 months. We have a daughter together and I have said the only way I will even allow supervised access is if he gets randomly drug tested and that he gets help now. It may sound naive but I know this is not the person he is and I can't help but love him and want to support him. But when I think like that I feel guilty and disgusted in myself for even thinking about staying with him. My head is firmly up my backside at the moment. I guess I am looking to hear from the women who chose to stay.
i know either way I have got a long, tough road ahead. And right now I honestly don't know how I am going to get through it.
i know either way I have got a long, tough road ahead. And right now I honestly don't know how I am going to get through it.
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I have stayed, we have a toddler. What's meant that I feel I can stay is my husband being completely honest with me about his offending and the immense amount of rehabilitation he has done, including specialist therapy, independent reading, writing reflective accounts and recognising victim impact etc. He has also quit all porn use and this is monitored constantly and will be for the rest of our lives
My husband did not have any substance misuse issues, and as I'm sure you are aware social services will see this as an additional risk for you, so you may have a slightly harder time as your person needs treatment for multiple elements (even though they may have the same root cause!)
To give you an idea of timescales for us, although everyone is different, I have been allowed to supervise contact from day 1 and this is unlimited as I was able to show I am protective, he was sentenced 11 months on from arrest. He is not yet allowed to live in the family home as we haven't had all the risk assessments done
I wish you lots of love and luck on this horrible journey.
My husband did not have any substance misuse issues, and as I'm sure you are aware social services will see this as an additional risk for you, so you may have a slightly harder time as your person needs treatment for multiple elements (even though they may have the same root cause!)
To give you an idea of timescales for us, although everyone is different, I have been allowed to supervise contact from day 1 and this is unlimited as I was able to show I am protective, he was sentenced 11 months on from arrest. He is not yet allowed to live in the family home as we haven't had all the risk assessments done
I wish you lots of love and luck on this horrible journey.
So sorry to hear your story. I'm undecided about what the future holds for me and my partner. We're living apart but usually have tea together then he returns home. I'm going to keep it this way for the foreseeable future. I don't know if this will be more hurtful in the long run but at the moment I don't want to break ties with him but that's my situation so far. We don't have young children consider. We both have adult children but with other people.
Sending you a hug x
Sending you a hug x
Hi,
Sorry that you have joined us, but you are most welcome amongst us. My heart goes to you, as first few days are the hardest.
I stayed too. It changes your relationship, and family set up. Unfortunately social workers will be a permenant fixture in your life now, and having to 'need' them, and have authority look into what kind of mother you may be, and having a say in how you chose to bring up your children is really hard and feels like a punishment for staying.
In the next days and weeks, keep us up to date and reach out here as many women who walked before us has golden advise. Hindsight is a wonderful thing.
I am personally skeptical when people under investigation says it was one occasion, as on the day of the knock police has said to me coming across material once would not grant a search warrant, they must show a district judge a pattern of behaviour in order to be granted a search warrant. Yet charges will only come down to what forensic data police can recover, and we have witness people walking away with NFA (no further action).
Please take care of yourself and talk to any of us at any time.
Sorry that you have joined us, but you are most welcome amongst us. My heart goes to you, as first few days are the hardest.
I stayed too. It changes your relationship, and family set up. Unfortunately social workers will be a permenant fixture in your life now, and having to 'need' them, and have authority look into what kind of mother you may be, and having a say in how you chose to bring up your children is really hard and feels like a punishment for staying.
In the next days and weeks, keep us up to date and reach out here as many women who walked before us has golden advise. Hindsight is a wonderful thing.
I am personally skeptical when people under investigation says it was one occasion, as on the day of the knock police has said to me coming across material once would not grant a search warrant, they must show a district judge a pattern of behaviour in order to be granted a search warrant. Yet charges will only come down to what forensic data police can recover, and we have witness people walking away with NFA (no further action).
Please take care of yourself and talk to any of us at any time.
Thank you so much everyone for you replies it means a lot. With regards to it being one event I am sceptical too. Although the reason why the police arrested him is because the woman he sent the video to reported him. So now it's a waiting game to see what the devices show.
these days alone are killing me I have not really moved from my sofa. With regards to the social services the mcas team have called and said he was not deemed as a risk at this point and they just wanted to inform me of the report. And ask who will be supervising his contact. This may change if he gets charged.
my head is all over and I just don't know if me wanting to stay and support him makes me a bad person. I feel like it's me almost condoning it which I do not
these days alone are killing me I have not really moved from my sofa. With regards to the social services the mcas team have called and said he was not deemed as a risk at this point and they just wanted to inform me of the report. And ask who will be supervising his contact. This may change if he gets charged.
my head is all over and I just don't know if me wanting to stay and support him makes me a bad person. I feel like it's me almost condoning it which I do not
Hi,
I think that's a normal way to feel in this situation. It's massively made me question my own morals. I still look for parents of any little ones in shopping centres to make sure they're safe, pick them up if they fall over at the park and give them a smile if they seem sad. This hasn't changed and I've learned to overcome any feelings of guilt in this because I didn't do anything wrong and any child will always be safe with me. It isn't an easy journey whether you stay, leave or anything in between. I left but chose to support him as the father of my child, we are now 3 years down the line and trying to work towards having a life together. We don't live together and don't currently have ss involved but they will return to our lives when we decide to take that step.
It's really hard in the beginning because you do feel that pressure of needing to make decisions that feel incredibly scary whilst also dealing with other agencies and family or friends opinions/expectations. Try to make decisions that feel right for you at the time of making them and understand that it's ok to change your mind, you don't have to stick with your original decision. We are all here for you whatever you choose xxx
I think that's a normal way to feel in this situation. It's massively made me question my own morals. I still look for parents of any little ones in shopping centres to make sure they're safe, pick them up if they fall over at the park and give them a smile if they seem sad. This hasn't changed and I've learned to overcome any feelings of guilt in this because I didn't do anything wrong and any child will always be safe with me. It isn't an easy journey whether you stay, leave or anything in between. I left but chose to support him as the father of my child, we are now 3 years down the line and trying to work towards having a life together. We don't live together and don't currently have ss involved but they will return to our lives when we decide to take that step.
It's really hard in the beginning because you do feel that pressure of needing to make decisions that feel incredibly scary whilst also dealing with other agencies and family or friends opinions/expectations. Try to make decisions that feel right for you at the time of making them and understand that it's ok to change your mind, you don't have to stick with your original decision. We are all here for you whatever you choose xxx