Supporting my son
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The knock came 2 weeks ago - my son arrested and devices taken away. I feel so helpless - his father and two older brothers not wanting anything to do with him -this has torn our family apart - he is on bail and I just don't know what the future will hold - haven't told anyone x
sorry you've found yourself here like most , but it is a good place for support, ive been there with a family member the initial knock throws everything into turmoil, u don't know how to feel angry sad scared confused vulnerable, then it's mixes emotions waiting to see what the answers will be and the outcome then the aftermath, speaking with someone from stop it now really helped me I wished I had called them in the beginning so maybe that can offer you some more support also , I f8nd this forum a safe place to express my emotions and maybe you will too xx
Thank you so much for taking the time to reply - very early days I know but a very mixed range of emotions - I'm glad I've found this forum x
I know and it is a roller coaster in the midst of it all yiu have to look after yourself also bit plenty of support and advice on here that you may find comforting also I definitely have and the last from stop it now that called me back has been amazing with me and my family x
Hi Elliott, I'm sorry that you've found yourself here. I'm here too as a result of my son so from one mum to another welcome. You've come to the right place for support. It's very early days so at the moment your probably all still in shock.
How is your son doing? Is he getting some help and support? If he hasn't already done so, I recommend him contacting the LFF help line when he feels able.
I'm so sorry that the rest of your family have turned away. That must be so hard for you and your son. Do you have someone to support you as you need to look after yourself. If you haven't already done so, I recommend contacting your GP for support.
We're all here for you but you might find that you'll get more replies if you post on the discussion section in future as that is where most people post.
How is your son doing? Is he getting some help and support? If he hasn't already done so, I recommend him contacting the LFF help line when he feels able.
I'm so sorry that the rest of your family have turned away. That must be so hard for you and your son. Do you have someone to support you as you need to look after yourself. If you haven't already done so, I recommend contacting your GP for support.
We're all here for you but you might find that you'll get more replies if you post on the discussion section in future as that is where most people post.
Another mum here, although our son is older than yours and has a family of his own. But once a mum always a mum regardless of his age.
It's such early days for you all and with no firm evidence all kinds of horrors will swirl around in family members' heads. Your husband and other sons are probably appalled that their baby/little brother could do something so dreadful but they might eventually realise that they can be appalled at his actions whilst still seeing him as their family member and mellow towards him in time. On this forum you will find some mums where this has caused a huge rift in the family but others who will say that as feelings settle a bit, attitudes can change.
Until then you really must take care of yourself as well as your son and definitely use this forum or the private messaging on here to find the support you might not be getting at home just now.
If they would be agreeable in time the LFF Inform course for Friends and Family is really helpful to explore the reasons why anyone might end up looking for iioc online. Or just reading the online pages about it on their website could be helpful for everyone. This is such an awful situation for all of you and I'm sure many of those offending wouldn't have done it if they'd realised the ripple effect on those close to them.
It's such early days for you all and with no firm evidence all kinds of horrors will swirl around in family members' heads. Your husband and other sons are probably appalled that their baby/little brother could do something so dreadful but they might eventually realise that they can be appalled at his actions whilst still seeing him as their family member and mellow towards him in time. On this forum you will find some mums where this has caused a huge rift in the family but others who will say that as feelings settle a bit, attitudes can change.
Until then you really must take care of yourself as well as your son and definitely use this forum or the private messaging on here to find the support you might not be getting at home just now.
If they would be agreeable in time the LFF Inform course for Friends and Family is really helpful to explore the reasons why anyone might end up looking for iioc online. Or just reading the online pages about it on their website could be helpful for everyone. This is such an awful situation for all of you and I'm sure many of those offending wouldn't have done it if they'd realised the ripple effect on those close to them.
Morning Elliot - I too am a mum - my son a mature adult.
My sons crime was in our family so I know first hand this devastation you and your family feel.
All the way through our journey I have and continue to respect other people's opinions of what my son did and how they've reacted. Not so forthcoming the other way I'm afraid (but that's how it is). I stand strong by MY decisions.
All I can advise let everyone churn it round in their own way and as time goes by things will settle and although changed, you will reach a 'new' normal.
its very tough I agree but keep strong, you'll get there - I promise x
My sons crime was in our family so I know first hand this devastation you and your family feel.
All the way through our journey I have and continue to respect other people's opinions of what my son did and how they've reacted. Not so forthcoming the other way I'm afraid (but that's how it is). I stand strong by MY decisions.
All I can advise let everyone churn it round in their own way and as time goes by things will settle and although changed, you will reach a 'new' normal.
its very tough I agree but keep strong, you'll get there - I promise x
We have just had our first Christmas with knowledge within the family. Our three adult children have encountered their brother for the first time ,since finding out.
Their reactions were sort of mixed,but all supportive of us & him. They have been very protective of us & told their brother so.
He does not really accept the gravity of his actions or the impact it is having on the family. We are beginning to think he is probably neuro-divergent so really does not empathise.
This is hell!
Their reactions were sort of mixed,but all supportive of us & him. They have been very protective of us & told their brother so.
He does not really accept the gravity of his actions or the impact it is having on the family. We are beginning to think he is probably neuro-divergent so really does not empathise.
This is hell!
Morning EBP......
i don't think any of these men understand the gravity of what they are doing and its dire consequences. My experience of finding out about my sons secret life was slightly different to many which seems to be when they get the dreaded 'knock'.....
If your family are gathering to form some sort of support, you are very lucky and so is your son.... that's if there's any such thing as 'luck' in this awful journey......
i don't think any of these men understand the gravity of what they are doing and its dire consequences. My experience of finding out about my sons secret life was slightly different to many which seems to be when they get the dreaded 'knock'.....
If your family are gathering to form some sort of support, you are very lucky and so is your son.... that's if there's any such thing as 'luck' in this awful journey......
Thankyou Smile through tears
Every day is a different day with its own rollercoaster. He is currently almost 'euphoric' as he plans to move to a new area & start afresh. He seems to have no concept of the restrictions this will put on his life or the public impact on us. If we are blunt with him,he will crash. We have to let the crown court sentencing do that.
How do people hang on & see a future?
Every day is a different day with its own rollercoaster. He is currently almost 'euphoric' as he plans to move to a new area & start afresh. He seems to have no concept of the restrictions this will put on his life or the public impact on us. If we are blunt with him,he will crash. We have to let the crown court sentencing do that.
How do people hang on & see a future?
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Hi Just want an end to it
Thankyou for your support.
Each day moves things forward & then another spanner in the works. We are trying to find explanations not excuses, but find others jump to conclusions.
Thankyou for your support.
Each day moves things forward & then another spanner in the works. We are trying to find explanations not excuses, but find others jump to conclusions.
A police visit to our home where son is now living. Device check & then arrested & in custody for 24 hrs. Marked Police car parked outside our house & then returned next day in a marked Police van. He didn't think this was an issue as they offered him a lift!
We are now furious that he has brought this to our door. We had accepted that plain clothes would attend the House unannounced but not for him to 'choose' to get a lift back in a marked Police van!
We are now trying to detach ourselves & cannot see how we can help him. We will not put him on the street & will feed him,but no more.
Apparently it is called 'Detatched love'
We are now furious that he has brought this to our door. We had accepted that plain clothes would attend the House unannounced but not for him to 'choose' to get a lift back in a marked Police van!
We are now trying to detach ourselves & cannot see how we can help him. We will not put him on the street & will feed him,but no more.
Apparently it is called 'Detatched love'
Hi EBP
We are the same with our son. Not sure that he fully appreciates the damage he could have caused, the impact this could have on his entire life. All we can do is support him in his efforts to carry on.
It is nearly 2 years and 4 months since the knock on our door. We have not had any word back yet. The visited on a Tuesday so every Tuesday I expect some development.Three cars pulled up, one reversed into our drive way, evicence removed in brown bags. We had trades men working in our garden and our new neighbours were in their garden. The police said we had to get on with our lives and that is all we can do. I go from thinking the worst to thinking everything will be okay. For me and my husband our lives are on hold, but we have to encourage our son.
This is going to sound ridiculous! I have started knitting squares to make a blanket for who I don't know yet. Maybe the local womens' refuge or some charity or our son, I don't know but I think it is not doing me any harm and I naively feel maybe something good can come from this. I know it is a very simple thought.
Keep strong.
We are the same with our son. Not sure that he fully appreciates the damage he could have caused, the impact this could have on his entire life. All we can do is support him in his efforts to carry on.
It is nearly 2 years and 4 months since the knock on our door. We have not had any word back yet. The visited on a Tuesday so every Tuesday I expect some development.Three cars pulled up, one reversed into our drive way, evicence removed in brown bags. We had trades men working in our garden and our new neighbours were in their garden. The police said we had to get on with our lives and that is all we can do. I go from thinking the worst to thinking everything will be okay. For me and my husband our lives are on hold, but we have to encourage our son.
This is going to sound ridiculous! I have started knitting squares to make a blanket for who I don't know yet. Maybe the local womens' refuge or some charity or our son, I don't know but I think it is not doing me any harm and I naively feel maybe something good can come from this. I know it is a very simple thought.
Keep strong.
Thankyou CM1256
I am finding that my swearing has increased dramatically since this all began. It really is a 's**t show.
It is so hard to be supportive when you don't know what's going to happen next.
I can't believe that my 'glimmer' of light today,is that plain clothes officers came to check his devices & didn't find any reason to arrest him. How warped is that!
It is so hard to just 'carry on' with your life.
Sorry to be so despondent.
I really hope that your situation is resolved with some positivity.
I am finding that my swearing has increased dramatically since this all began. It really is a 's**t show.
It is so hard to be supportive when you don't know what's going to happen next.
I can't believe that my 'glimmer' of light today,is that plain clothes officers came to check his devices & didn't find any reason to arrest him. How warped is that!
It is so hard to just 'carry on' with your life.
Sorry to be so despondent.
I really hope that your situation is resolved with some positivity.
Hi EBP
I can identify with how you feel. Sometimes I think 'Did that really happen?'. You will wake up some mornings feeling fine but you just know that there is something hanging there this is so unsettling. It is a real 'Elephant in the room'. Life is so unsettling and so hard to make plans. And yet, we have to because this could go on for years and be alright in the end and life is too short to press pause.
A real roller coaster.
Be kind to yourself and support your son. We signed up to love them unconditionally.
I can identify with how you feel. Sometimes I think 'Did that really happen?'. You will wake up some mornings feeling fine but you just know that there is something hanging there this is so unsettling. It is a real 'Elephant in the room'. Life is so unsettling and so hard to make plans. And yet, we have to because this could go on for years and be alright in the end and life is too short to press pause.
A real roller coaster.
Be kind to yourself and support your son. We signed up to love them unconditionally.
I'm so sorry to hear that you're going through this. It sounds incredibly tough, not just for your son but for you as well.
It's important to take care of yourself during a time like this. It can feel isolating to deal with something so significant and not feel like you can share it with others. However, if it's possible to find someone you trust to confide in, even if they're not a family member, it might help to share your burden..
It's important to take care of yourself during a time like this. It can feel isolating to deal with something so significant and not feel like you can share it with others. However, if it's possible to find someone you trust to confide in, even if they're not a family member, it might help to share your burden..