Family and Friends Forum

Yes, I know how you feel. My person is my ex husband and I've never told anyone why we're really getting divorced. I just sort of brush it off as one of those things when I get asked. The pretending is exhausting though.

I did have talking therapy on the NHS when I first received the knock. Not sure what's available where you are but maybe look into it. I found it helpful to talk to a therapist in a confidential and non judgemental setting.

Hi,

It's such a lot to take in, in the early days. I used to feel the same, inside I was screaming "Well his not alright is he" and I used to do the "yer. his good."

You're not lying, you are just not telling everyone your business. I used to say, it's my son's news, not mine, so I have no right to tell anyone! so, a "yep busy with work" is not lying.

I think it's more to do with how we feel about the situation and we don't want to be doing what we usually do as Mum's, singing their praises. But I'm sure someone said it on here before or I read it on unlock. This could be 1% of the person you are concentrating on and missing the 99%

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3 x

I am so sorry you have found yourself here

My son is also the offender, we only found out the day of the knock, it's such early days for you and for your son so for now try as hard as it is to be kind to yourself

I can imagine how your son is feeling it's a huge shock, but its good he has contacted LFF they can also recommend a therapist which will help him

This journey is a long road to be on and having some support is so important

I can understand how he cannot talk about his offending especially over the phone, are you able to perhaps meet up face to face , he is probably so ashamed and embarrassed and dosent know how to tell you

My son told me some of it and then before court I had a conversation with his solicitor,

While I do not condone his actions his offending is a part of him and not the whole.of him ,

Just get through a day at a time and please reach out to us all we are here for you

Sending strength and hugs xx

Oh 3, I'm so sorry you have joined us here. I couldnt read your post and not reach out to you. I too am here because my son offended. He moved back home with us following his arrest and has been with us ever since. It's been a long, heartbreaking journey but we are now post sentencing and are gradually learning to adapt to our new way of life.

I was very selective in who I chose to tell in the early days. When asked how he was by people who I hadn't chosen to confide in, I would usually say that he wasn't doing too well at the moment and was struggling with his mental health. This was completely true so I didn't feel as if I wasn't telling the truth. These days, everyone knows. Some people choose not to mention him when I see them but for those that do, I answer their question and thank them for asking.

How is your son doing? It's good that he has been able to reach out for support. Do you have anyone supporting you? You need to look after yourself as knowing your child is suffering is the hardest and most painful thing us mums can go through.

I only heard via a family member some details of my sons secret life and of course all quite happily (no doubt) details they were given via our pals the police.....

I've never spoken directly to my son about what happened - only thing I would be interested in is how it all began and why he started viewing these images. It's not the thing you talk about over a prison phone though is it ?

I detest what he did and feel anger and shame. I really feel knowing every detail isn't important, I know enough sadly....

Another mum of an adult son here - nearly a year down the line but still waiting for device checks. Our son lives with us now so depends on us if he wants to see his children, which he obviously does. Our lives have become very different from the life we thought our retirement would be.

I found it hard at first to keep the truth from people, felt as if I was deceiving them. But now I feel fine just saying his marriage is over and he has some mental health issues which we are helping him with. It's not always easy, for example we are new to this area and I feel that we must keep our distance from neighbours in case anything eventually hits the media, whereas normally we'd be inviting people in for drinks etc. And I couldn't bring myself to write to people for Christmas with all our family news this year.

I decided that I don't want to know the exact details of what he's looked at so I won't go to court with him and for that I feel guilty. My reasoning is that we will support him whatever he's done so I don't need to fill my head with the exact descriptions but my husband will be with him so he won't go alone. I need to spare myself the toll on my mental health.

This forum has been a lifesaver for me, 3, and I promise you that in time the pretending will begin to feel like it's necessarily protective of both your son and yourself.

Mum Hugs sent your way!

Rainy day, I 100% understand that! Although we both went to court with our son (18) There wasn't much read out that wasn't on the charge sheet. I was the only one that read everything (CPS report etc) i didn't want both of us to be clouded by absolutely everything and wanted someone to carry that hope for our son and future which I was lacking at that point, it was just pure fear. Nothing prepares you for the "pack a bag" for court statement. It's really worked now as when I have a fear I talk to my husband and he sees the pure change in our son and not the paperwork.