I don't know what to do anymore.
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I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm sorry in advance if my rambling upsets anyone, I'm talking primarily about what I'm feeling about my own relationship, and I understand why people choose to stay with their partners or go.
My partner got the knock 2 weeks ago today for possession of indecent images (dark web related) and ever since my generalised anxiety disorder has come in full force, and between this, being the best (essentially single) mum to my toddler daughter I can be, work and university, I just am in constant fight or flight mode. It doesn't help that my partner has basically admitted to me to prepare for the worst, hope for the best.
My social worker seems nice, but wow she's really pushing for me to get away from this (for us to seperate), I told my mum and she just wants me to sell the house and move on with my life. And who can really blame them? I'm not even 30 yet and I could be dealing with this potentially 2+ years? I feel selfish saying this, but I don't deserve this, my daughter certainly doesn't. I've been with my partner for 7 years, and my feelings for him are certainly with love, but I can barely look at him anymore. He isn't fighting, to be frank he's sat on the sofa when he's visited us and felt sorry for himself. And I can emphasise, but I don't get the luxury of feeling sorry for myself.
Our plan was always to sell our home after Christmas (we have outgrown it), but now rather than get our family home we've always wanted, now I'll be getting my own place, in the eventuality that he gets charged and loses his job (he's the breadwinner and with the odds against him, I can't take my chances as I can't afford this place on my own).
Then reality hits, and hearing the recent losses of a couple of your loved ones going through this process, I remember how serious and life-threatening this is for the accused. I am terrified about the prospect of leaving him, and the potential of him taking his own life scares me more than anything. A few weeks ago we were talking about getting married after we moved, now I'm facing a life without him, and my heart hurts just thinking about it.
I'm sorry but I'm just not cut to handle this for potentially 2+ years.
My partner got the knock 2 weeks ago today for possession of indecent images (dark web related) and ever since my generalised anxiety disorder has come in full force, and between this, being the best (essentially single) mum to my toddler daughter I can be, work and university, I just am in constant fight or flight mode. It doesn't help that my partner has basically admitted to me to prepare for the worst, hope for the best.
My social worker seems nice, but wow she's really pushing for me to get away from this (for us to seperate), I told my mum and she just wants me to sell the house and move on with my life. And who can really blame them? I'm not even 30 yet and I could be dealing with this potentially 2+ years? I feel selfish saying this, but I don't deserve this, my daughter certainly doesn't. I've been with my partner for 7 years, and my feelings for him are certainly with love, but I can barely look at him anymore. He isn't fighting, to be frank he's sat on the sofa when he's visited us and felt sorry for himself. And I can emphasise, but I don't get the luxury of feeling sorry for myself.
Our plan was always to sell our home after Christmas (we have outgrown it), but now rather than get our family home we've always wanted, now I'll be getting my own place, in the eventuality that he gets charged and loses his job (he's the breadwinner and with the odds against him, I can't take my chances as I can't afford this place on my own).
Then reality hits, and hearing the recent losses of a couple of your loved ones going through this process, I remember how serious and life-threatening this is for the accused. I am terrified about the prospect of leaving him, and the potential of him taking his own life scares me more than anything. A few weeks ago we were talking about getting married after we moved, now I'm facing a life without him, and my heart hurts just thinking about it.
I'm sorry but I'm just not cut to handle this for potentially 2+ years.
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Hi,
it is still very early days for you. I've said it lots on here but it has worked for me so I'll say it again; you don't need to make any decisions right now and also you don't have to make those decisions and stick with them for the rest of your life, you're allowed to change your mind down the line if you choose to.
You're not responsible for how anyone else feels about your decisions, no matter your relationship to them. If you need to tell people that you aren't in a position to make decisions whilst you're in this state of trauma then do that. It's better than making rash decisions, I speak from experience in this.
Also, to be brutally honest you're going to be dealing with this for a long time in different ways whether you stay or go. The only way to be completely free of the practical side of things is to cut all contact between your oh and you and your toddler. This kind of trauma does stay with us but it does get easier. There are many positive stories on here and lots of people who used to be regular posters on here who have moved on with their lives. Staying or leaving is a personal choice, you'll be supported on here whatever you choose. It's important to remember that everyone's experiences and relationships are unique and whist we can tell you our experiences nobody will tell you what to do.
I think it's healthy to express to him how you're feeling, he does need to know that it's hard for you to have become a single parent overnight. You're not saying these things to make him feel bad but to address things within your relationship. Not expressing your feelings isn't making either of you feel less bad and your emotions are just as important and will need to be worked through xxx
it is still very early days for you. I've said it lots on here but it has worked for me so I'll say it again; you don't need to make any decisions right now and also you don't have to make those decisions and stick with them for the rest of your life, you're allowed to change your mind down the line if you choose to.
You're not responsible for how anyone else feels about your decisions, no matter your relationship to them. If you need to tell people that you aren't in a position to make decisions whilst you're in this state of trauma then do that. It's better than making rash decisions, I speak from experience in this.
Also, to be brutally honest you're going to be dealing with this for a long time in different ways whether you stay or go. The only way to be completely free of the practical side of things is to cut all contact between your oh and you and your toddler. This kind of trauma does stay with us but it does get easier. There are many positive stories on here and lots of people who used to be regular posters on here who have moved on with their lives. Staying or leaving is a personal choice, you'll be supported on here whatever you choose. It's important to remember that everyone's experiences and relationships are unique and whist we can tell you our experiences nobody will tell you what to do.
I think it's healthy to express to him how you're feeling, he does need to know that it's hard for you to have become a single parent overnight. You're not saying these things to make him feel bad but to address things within your relationship. Not expressing your feelings isn't making either of you feel less bad and your emotions are just as important and will need to be worked through xxx
I'm sorry to hear you are going through this.
There are no right or wrong answers. I would say to perhaps go ahead with the sale of the house before any prosecutions may take place because it then makes it more difficult. It may take a while to sell and while it does you could perhaps rent something until you decide what you want to do?
I understand and sympathise with your worry about something happening like we have seen here on the forum but ultimately we can't live our lives in a way we don't want to out of fear that that may happen. We have to do what is best for us and if you feel as though it is better for you to walk away then go for that but as it is early days you may change your mind later, and that is okay too. Xx
There are no right or wrong answers. I would say to perhaps go ahead with the sale of the house before any prosecutions may take place because it then makes it more difficult. It may take a while to sell and while it does you could perhaps rent something until you decide what you want to do?
I understand and sympathise with your worry about something happening like we have seen here on the forum but ultimately we can't live our lives in a way we don't want to out of fear that that may happen. We have to do what is best for us and if you feel as though it is better for you to walk away then go for that but as it is early days you may change your mind later, and that is okay too. Xx
Please don't make any rash decisions as it is so early.....
I was thinking about leaving too in those early days or at least working out if I can afford to stay in the house on my own.
But then I think life would be also hard as you have a child together and they can't see them unsupervised and how does that work? never getting a break etc
My OH is sorting himself out but attending SAA, having a sponsor, doing a saver lives course etc and now we are 5 months in he is a better person for it all.
I really valued the LFF inform course and learning about addiciton etc
I am still bitter that I am having spend time on this when I could be out with friends instead I am writing a safety plan etc
I had a lot of tears this week, relief really over our safety plan being accepted and a little bit of pre xmas breakdown that I do every year as it is also son no 1 b-day.
So slowly I am learning for forgive..... the volume of images with be over 100 A to C but he was lost in addiction and that I will never understand.
I will be low again when we get to sentencing or cps or next stage but chances it will not be custodial as he is doing all the right things and the prisons are full and he may not loose he job..... but I think I prob have a couple of months now before I need to think about that so I am going to try and have a few months burying my head in the sand and enjoy just being a family all be it a supervised one.
there is a way through - it's hard, but we will be stronger and leaving isn't an easy option either so sit tights and just hang on for a bit, speak to LFF and tell SS to back off re leaving for now as that alone will be adding to your pressure.....
I was thinking about leaving too in those early days or at least working out if I can afford to stay in the house on my own.
But then I think life would be also hard as you have a child together and they can't see them unsupervised and how does that work? never getting a break etc
My OH is sorting himself out but attending SAA, having a sponsor, doing a saver lives course etc and now we are 5 months in he is a better person for it all.
I really valued the LFF inform course and learning about addiciton etc
I am still bitter that I am having spend time on this when I could be out with friends instead I am writing a safety plan etc
I had a lot of tears this week, relief really over our safety plan being accepted and a little bit of pre xmas breakdown that I do every year as it is also son no 1 b-day.
So slowly I am learning for forgive..... the volume of images with be over 100 A to C but he was lost in addiction and that I will never understand.
I will be low again when we get to sentencing or cps or next stage but chances it will not be custodial as he is doing all the right things and the prisons are full and he may not loose he job..... but I think I prob have a couple of months now before I need to think about that so I am going to try and have a few months burying my head in the sand and enjoy just being a family all be it a supervised one.
there is a way through - it's hard, but we will be stronger and leaving isn't an easy option either so sit tights and just hang on for a bit, speak to LFF and tell SS to back off re leaving for now as that alone will be adding to your pressure.....
Woodpecker, please don't apologise, you have to do what's right for you. I can understand what your mum has said and if you were my daughter I'd say the same. I wouldn't want her to be with someone who'd committed this crime and knowing how it will effect her life for a long time.... children etc.
Whatever you decide, protect yourself. Sell your house and buy in your name only something you can afford on your own .
Whatever you decide, protect yourself. Sell your house and buy in your name only something you can afford on your own .
- Throughout my life I was easily swayed by others and trotted along keeping the peace as you do. I take on board and respect others opinions of my son - good or bad.
BUT I have made rock solid decisions and stuck to them, which make me feel much stronger as a person. I do take on board the goal posts could be moved in the future but I'll cope with that as it happens.
Guess I'm trying to say Woodpecker is (prob boringly said so many times by me) but do whatever you feel is right for you - be flexible but stick by your choices. It really is your life to live as you cope and move forward.
BUT I have made rock solid decisions and stuck to them, which make me feel much stronger as a person. I do take on board the goal posts could be moved in the future but I'll cope with that as it happens.
Guess I'm trying to say Woodpecker is (prob boringly said so many times by me) but do whatever you feel is right for you - be flexible but stick by your choices. It really is your life to live as you cope and move forward.