Have I made the right decision?
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Hi everyone,
I hope you're all okay and doing your best to keep spirits high over this festive season, despite us all finding ourselves on this forum for one reason or another.
No matter how far through this journey you are, this is probably one of the hardest things you'll go through and I wouldn't wish it on even my worst enemy. Take comfort in knowing you're strong, we're all strong and we can all pull through this crazy ride.
So, what's made me want to post? Well, my person (if you can call them that now) has been on my mind a lot lately....
I made the very difficult decision to part ways last year when the full "report" came back from the police - about 20 months after the dreaded knock.
I have maintained contact with them, mostly because we are sharing custody of the pets and some other property arrangements we have to get sorted.
They were issued with a suspended sentence back in June, alongside 10 years SOR. This gave me the closure I needed, or at least I thought I needed.
And after a really difficult time, I've moved on. I have a new partner - who I love. And they've been so supportive of my past - it was difficult opening up but I felt it was right and I felt able to. I'm not regretting that at all.
Now, despite having this new, loving and caring partner - who I am happy with, for the first time in a very long time - I can't help but think, have I made the right decision.
I cant stop thinking about my ex partner. Despite everything they have done, I still love them - it's a fact. We got together when we were both teenagers and stayed together into our early 20s. We genuinely were soulmates. I feel like our relationship was ripped away from us way too early.
I feel sorry for them that they can't move on like I have (or at least thought I had). I feel sorry that they don't have their own place and are having to rent a room. I feel sorry that they can't just go and see their family when they want because of the kids and because some people in the family have disowned them. I feel sorry for them that their life is so miserable but mine isn't. And to top it off, I feel guilty that I'm not the one making them happy anymore and that someone else is now making me happy.
In one sense, I'm looking for some consolation really. Has anyone else struggled to move on or had thoughts about their person when in a new relationship? Or does anyone have any advice about whether or not they think I've made the right call?
My ex was an incredible person, before this came to light. And I know that they'd still do anything for me - and in one sense, I would for them too. But I couldn't have the life I wanted with them. I don't see them as a monster because I can't, but I know that other people might.
I feel awful for even thinking what I am because I have someone new in my life who makes me happy and it's not fair on them for me to be feeling this way - but how on earth do I manage the way I'm feeling.
Sometimes I wish I could step in to a Time Machine, turn back the clock and stop this all from happening in the first place.
Gosh, what a whirlwind of emotions...
I hope you're all okay and doing your best to keep spirits high over this festive season, despite us all finding ourselves on this forum for one reason or another.
No matter how far through this journey you are, this is probably one of the hardest things you'll go through and I wouldn't wish it on even my worst enemy. Take comfort in knowing you're strong, we're all strong and we can all pull through this crazy ride.
So, what's made me want to post? Well, my person (if you can call them that now) has been on my mind a lot lately....
I made the very difficult decision to part ways last year when the full "report" came back from the police - about 20 months after the dreaded knock.
I have maintained contact with them, mostly because we are sharing custody of the pets and some other property arrangements we have to get sorted.
They were issued with a suspended sentence back in June, alongside 10 years SOR. This gave me the closure I needed, or at least I thought I needed.
And after a really difficult time, I've moved on. I have a new partner - who I love. And they've been so supportive of my past - it was difficult opening up but I felt it was right and I felt able to. I'm not regretting that at all.
Now, despite having this new, loving and caring partner - who I am happy with, for the first time in a very long time - I can't help but think, have I made the right decision.
I cant stop thinking about my ex partner. Despite everything they have done, I still love them - it's a fact. We got together when we were both teenagers and stayed together into our early 20s. We genuinely were soulmates. I feel like our relationship was ripped away from us way too early.
I feel sorry for them that they can't move on like I have (or at least thought I had). I feel sorry that they don't have their own place and are having to rent a room. I feel sorry that they can't just go and see their family when they want because of the kids and because some people in the family have disowned them. I feel sorry for them that their life is so miserable but mine isn't. And to top it off, I feel guilty that I'm not the one making them happy anymore and that someone else is now making me happy.
In one sense, I'm looking for some consolation really. Has anyone else struggled to move on or had thoughts about their person when in a new relationship? Or does anyone have any advice about whether or not they think I've made the right call?
My ex was an incredible person, before this came to light. And I know that they'd still do anything for me - and in one sense, I would for them too. But I couldn't have the life I wanted with them. I don't see them as a monster because I can't, but I know that other people might.
I feel awful for even thinking what I am because I have someone new in my life who makes me happy and it's not fair on them for me to be feeling this way - but how on earth do I manage the way I'm feeling.
Sometimes I wish I could step in to a Time Machine, turn back the clock and stop this all from happening in the first place.
Gosh, what a whirlwind of emotions...
Zak - I admire your heartfelt post and happy you have moved on in your life.
i suppose life is full of regrets, hindsight, sadness, guilt, dwelling on the future and choices we've made - thats without having experienced this nightmare we are on. Which makes these emotions so much worse (putting it mildly).
You are bound to think over the past but try not to let it taint your new relationship - you carnt change the path others choose to take which led them down this dark path or the devastation it caused to so many people. You carnt be responsible for happiness in their lives or their present situation , to a degree that's up to them.
just be happy being so so lucky in finding your new love and build/focus on that. Try your best to put some ghosts to rest.
i wish you all the best, you sound a lovely kind and caring person. X
i suppose life is full of regrets, hindsight, sadness, guilt, dwelling on the future and choices we've made - thats without having experienced this nightmare we are on. Which makes these emotions so much worse (putting it mildly).
You are bound to think over the past but try not to let it taint your new relationship - you carnt change the path others choose to take which led them down this dark path or the devastation it caused to so many people. You carnt be responsible for happiness in their lives or their present situation , to a degree that's up to them.
just be happy being so so lucky in finding your new love and build/focus on that. Try your best to put some ghosts to rest.
i wish you all the best, you sound a lovely kind and caring person. X
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Smile through tears, thank you for your response. Perhaps I'm just feeling a little more emotional at the moment given it's Christmas time.
im trying to not let the past taint the new relationship, but as with the whole journey, some days are just easier than others. At least I know that I do have the support of my new partner and they have said that I can talk to them about anything I'm thinking or feeling about my past which is good.
Anxious Girl, I'm so sorry to hear that your person ended up in prison. I hope that 2024 is going to be a lot brighter and more positive for you. Whatever decision you do make, know that it's important to make it for you and no one else. When I first left my ex I did it because of pressures from everyone else which made it worse. And in one sense, perhaps even though I don't want to be with him anymore, maybe that's why I still feel the way I do?
There's just no right way to feel about this all.
im trying to not let the past taint the new relationship, but as with the whole journey, some days are just easier than others. At least I know that I do have the support of my new partner and they have said that I can talk to them about anything I'm thinking or feeling about my past which is good.
Anxious Girl, I'm so sorry to hear that your person ended up in prison. I hope that 2024 is going to be a lot brighter and more positive for you. Whatever decision you do make, know that it's important to make it for you and no one else. When I first left my ex I did it because of pressures from everyone else which made it worse. And in one sense, perhaps even though I don't want to be with him anymore, maybe that's why I still feel the way I do?
There's just no right way to feel about this all.
Hi, its been a week since the knock for my now ex partner of 7 years. The last week has been so hard which you all unfortunately have experienced. I have always been honest however on this occasion I am unable to tell the truth of why I have ended the relationship. I didn't want to end the relationship however after hearing what he had done going on a chat site when I have had issues with trust previously was the last nail but I was shocked to the core about the offence he has done. Never thought he would do this. I have thought the same as you, have I made the right decision? Unfortunately SS have made it clear that even if he gets a warning he is still a risk to children, so if I did want to continue with the relationship I would risk my daughter going to live with her biological father. So as usual my daughter comes first.
its so hard in this situation at anytime but even harder at Christmas. Thankfully 2 of my family & friends know the truth so I have support.
I am scared of the future & trying to trust someone new.
Im glad I am on this forum. Big love to you all & remember we are all enough
its so hard in this situation at anytime but even harder at Christmas. Thankfully 2 of my family & friends know the truth so I have support.
I am scared of the future & trying to trust someone new.
Im glad I am on this forum. Big love to you all & remember we are all enough
What you're feeling is what I worry about happening to me in the future. I haven't decided whether to stay or leave (2 months since his arrest) and I'm being pulled both directions by our respective families which isn't helping at all.
Having been together 20+ years to then find out that this and other addictions have been going on the whole time is so much to deal with, especially when I thought we had a happy life and future together - I thought he was my soul mate so I'm still in shock. He says it's been on and off over the years but the fact that it's been there from the start means that our whole life together has been based on lies and deceit and I don't know how to deal with that.
He's trying to help himself but whether I support him because of that or whether I decide to make a new life alone I really don't know. Either way it's going to hurt like hell and I'll no doubt regret whichever way I decide.
Sorry, I know that's no help to you, Zak, but I admire you for being able to make a decision. I hope you continue to have a happy and fulfilling life ahead.
Having been together 20+ years to then find out that this and other addictions have been going on the whole time is so much to deal with, especially when I thought we had a happy life and future together - I thought he was my soul mate so I'm still in shock. He says it's been on and off over the years but the fact that it's been there from the start means that our whole life together has been based on lies and deceit and I don't know how to deal with that.
He's trying to help himself but whether I support him because of that or whether I decide to make a new life alone I really don't know. Either way it's going to hurt like hell and I'll no doubt regret whichever way I decide.
Sorry, I know that's no help to you, Zak, but I admire you for being able to make a decision. I hope you continue to have a happy and fulfilling life ahead.
Anxiousgirl you have hit the nail on the head: you weren't responsible for his actions or what he did.
I also chose to leave and have been lucky enough to access therapy for nearly 4 years. I worked through the guilt (which apparently is very normal) and learnt to focus on the future.
None of us chose to be here and all deserve a life full of love and happiness.
I also chose to leave and have been lucky enough to access therapy for nearly 4 years. I worked through the guilt (which apparently is very normal) and learnt to focus on the future.
None of us chose to be here and all deserve a life full of love and happiness.