Family and Friends Forum

I found this forum weeks ago, but it's taken me this long to build up the courage to register and post. My husband was arrested after having an online coversation of a sexual nature with someone posing as a 14 year old girl. He then arranged to meet up and was picked up by the police. First thing I knew about it was when I get 2 police officers knocking on my door to search the house for electronic devices.

He says that he wanted to talk to someone that he didn't know, which is how it all started and that it's just this one time. He's realised how depressed he's actually been and how he's been trying to keep it all together and as a result just bottling everything up. He went to see his GP and got put on anti-depressants, which they've now doubled the dose of. He's trying to get some counselling, but the first place that the GP refered him to said that it's too complex for them and he needs to get the GP to refer him to the community mental health team, but that could take weeks.

It goes to court on thursday. He spoke to his solictor and barrister on friday and agreed that he's going to plead guilty. The barrister has seen the chat logs and agreed that pleading guilty is the better option. But the barrister wants to try and get it ajurned in order to get a mental health assestment done. I've said I'm going to court, I don't particuarly want to, but if I'm going to stay with him then there has to be no secrets, plus there is no way I'd be able to concentrate on work anyway.

I've only told one person about him being arrested, but not what he was arrested for, and while she's been pretty supportive she also has surgery planned for tomorrow and so I don't want to dump on her. I must have gone through every emotion in the book, some days I'm so angry at him I could scream, other days all I want to do is cry, I'm struggling to come to terms with the fact that he could do something like this, whether he's depressed or not. I've wondered whether I should go to counselling just to give me someone to talk to. Has anyone found counselling useful for themselves?

Thank you both. Even just posting on here makes me feel less alone. Arrest to court date has been really quick (6 weeks), which I guess in some respects is a good thing, I'm not sure I could have coped if this had been hanging around for months, but at the same time makes me wonder why.

I'll start looking around for some local counsellors.

Hi Mabel

He was arrested in London so it's the Met that are dealing with it. No children here and no plans to have any, thankfully, so I don't have that to also consider.

They took more of my devices than they did of his. I'm grateful that they left me both my work computer and my mobile phone as otherwise it would have been impossible for me to work. They did take both of my portable hard drives which contained every photo I have ever taken plus all the photos of me when I was younger. So I really want to get those back with their contents. You think you are doing the right thing by backing them up but don't consider that you might lose both your laptop and backup device at the same time.

Should find out tomorrow what time to arrive at court. I'm trying my hardest to put it out of my mind today, but it's not the easiest thing to do.

Am not looking forward to going to court tomorrow. It’s going to be an early start as need to be on a 7:30 train.

Husband is scared that he’s going to get a custodial sentence, which I guess is understandable. I’m not sure what to say to him, he broke the law and deserves the consequences, but at the same time I still love him and don’t want him to be sent down. Alternatively if the barrister gets it adjourned then we could be in for more uncertainty and waiting. I can’t wait for it all to be over, so then can start to pick up the pieces.

Just about managed to get some sleep. I had considered going to the pub quiz last night with some friends but I really wasn’t up to trying to put on a brave happy face. So settled for a night in watching tv.

Thanks Janno, part of me doesn’t want to know all the details, but at the same time I know if i hear it for myself then I know that i’m not being lied to by him. If this relationship stands any chance I know that trust needs to be rebuilt.

Maddie - so sorry that you have joined this club that no-one wants to join. Look after yourself.

The last time I set foot in a court room was when I was at school and we went for a school trip. Never expected to be back there.

That was probably the worst 15 minutes of my life. Adjourned for 4 weeks. The judge thought he was in custody originally, but the when realising was on bail he renewed the bail for the 4 weeks.

There is talk that he may have had conversations with other people as well, but the prosecutor didn’t have details. Husband can’t remember, which probably doesn’t help.

The barrister was actually really nice, thankfully.

The last couple of weeks have been a right mix of emotions. For nearly a week I felt sick and ever since I've sort of gone into hiding, hence why I've not been on here. I keep thinking that people know and are judging me. So much so that I started to go to a different supermarket so that I didn't bump into anyone and altered my usual running route. I actually have no idea if anyone knows, nothing has been said.

Have managed to be productive though over the past couple of weekends and finished off a bunch of outstanding DIY jobs in the house. While I don't want to move, if it comes to it, at least those jobs will be done, and if I don't then the house looks a little better. So I guess it's a win / win there, plus it's been keeping me occupied and distracted.

So back to court tomorrow. For the past week I'd been doing a bit better and managing to take it one day at a time and trying not to over think all the 'what ifs'. Thankfully I'd had a lot of cognitive behaviour therapy a few years back so I had those coping skills to fall back in. Work has also been crazy busy so that's done a good job of also keeping me distracted.

He's been told to prepare for the worse case and a custodial sentance, but the barrister also said, they have to say that so that you can't come back on them and say "but you said it wouldn't be a custodial". So I really don't know what to expect, I've decided I am going to court (early start for me in the morning), but I am not going into the actual court room this time for the sentancing as I don't think I can face that again.

I'm still very much in the "why did you do this / how stupid could you have been" angry phase. Maybe after tomorrow when we finally know the outcome, I'll be able to try and process that. Up to know a lot of my energy has been spent on trying to get him help for his depression which he says contributed to this. Assuming that he doesn't get a custodial sentance, then he starts CBT next week. The anti depressants appear to finally starting to work, they had to up the dose twice, it's like he's turning back into the person he was rather than the person that he'd become over the past couple of years. I have said that we need to get couples couselling at some point, it's one of my conditions on staying, but only after he's had some counselling of his own first.

I guess tomorrow I'll be back to figure out how I learn to deal with what will be the new norm, as somehow I think after tomorrow one way or the other life is going to be different.

Thanks Dottie. I'm hoping I can sleep tonight too, I've already got that sick feeling in my stomach. I just keep repeating to myself 'atleast tomorrow the uncertainty will be over'.

I managed to get about 3 hours sleep, not great but at least managed to get some. Now to just get through today.

He has a new barrister (not sure why it needed to change), I think I was worried about that for nothing as she is pretty switched on and I actually like her a lot more than the last one.

Thank you everyone for your support, I’ve not spoken to anyone else about this so it is good to have this forum.

I am so glad this stage is over. 16 months suspended for 2 years and SHPO. I didn’t go into the court room so it was a bit of a worrying wait to see if he would come back out or not.

Hi Rainbow - The suspended sentance was the best we could hope based on the charges (online communication and arranging to meet) .I'm not 100% sure if he has to do probation, there is something else that he has to do, but I'm not 100% sure of the details. He has a meeting next week with the probation office where they do some sort of induction and talk through the process. So I guess maybe yes, I'm sure he'll find out for sure next week.

He put in for early retirement, it was actually something that we'd planned before all this happened. He really wasn't enjoying his job anymore, it meant he was living away from home for half the week and was definitely contributing to the depression. He's currently still living away as he needed 1 residences for his bail conditions / SHPO. The plan though is for him to move back here at some point. He's CBT that he'll start this month is also located there, and given the nightmare we had trying to get him that I want him to least have some weeks of that before moving so we don't have that battle to go through again.

Hi Rainbow, I think we're still a long way off normality, but it does feel like we can actually start to talk about the future and make plans again. My birthday is coming up and we'd both avoided making any plans as we just didn't know where he would be but now we can at least make a plan to do something together for the day. Being suck in limbo and the whole uncertainity of the situation was just horrible. I only had 2 months of that which compared to a lot of people on here is a really short time frame, I feel for everyone who's stuck in that limbo situation not knowing when it'll end.

One week in and coming to terms with the new normal. I thought I'd keep this thread updated incase it helps anyone wondering what happens next.

He got his first home visit from the police at the beginning of the week. I was expecting them to turn up at some point, he wasn't, so it came as a bit of a shock to him. His first meeting with the probation officer was a couple of days ago, she's apparantly nice which is a relief as you only ever hear horror stories of nightmare probation officers (or maybe I've just watched too much US crime TV). She's going to kick off the process of getting him transferred to here, so I'm now awaiting a call from the local probation office to arrange a home visit.

I still haven't told my family, but I feel like I need to tell them, if only so that it doesn't get awkward at some point as my sister has children. I'm dreading telling them though, I'm hoping that they would understand why I'm sticking by him, but I know not everyone would.

He's coming to visit this weekend, bail conditions meant that he couldn't stay previously, but now he can. His probation officer arranged his meeting for next week for later in the week rather than Monday as initially planned telling him to stay here sunday night as well.