3 days since the knock - in limbo with the unknown
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I just have to say that the insight I've gained from the forum these last few days has been invaluable while I try and get my head round what's going on. I don't feel like I can let anyone in person know what's going on because of the stigma and I'm so so torn.
We were woken with the knock this week - it's all so blurry, I think the warrant was against the house as there was accessing of one image from the IP address. All of the household devices were provided to police and downloaded/searched in the home on the day, with the exception of OH phone as it contained to much information for them to download and search on the spot so this has been taken away. Nothing was found on the returned devices and there were no charges pressed at the time. The date when the accessing took place, my OH wasn't in the country and to be frank he doesn't have the technical knowledge to know how to access the home router remotely from elsewhere in the world so I'm at a loss as to how and who accessed the image.
The police advised that they expect the phone will be returned next week but OH will be away for work. This seems like a quick turnaround given the timescales for others on the forum? Not entirely sure if it's a lie. We had a call from OH ex partner and it appears the police have also contacted SS as he has a minor child - I understand the need for safeguarding and working on the basis of probabilities instead of guilt/evidence but it seems very premature given that there was nothing found on the day and he wasn't in the country to access the photo. I worry that they have since found something in the phone on the day after the visit and notified them opposed to notifying them as a precaution.
OH said that there's nothing child related in his phone but when I was in a room with the police woman, she told me that they don't appear with a warrant on just one case of something particularly at this time of year knowing the trauma it causes. I really don't know what or who to believe. The stories of charges for non-sexually gratifying images/videos which have been sent in group chats and so on terrify me.
I know it's very early but the worry that eats me up at the moment is so traumatising - is my partner lying? Will there be charges? Can we recover from that? Should we be proactive and get a solicitor now? How do we survive financially? My OH travels abroad for work for a few weeks at a time and if anything comes if it, I can't imagine he will be allowed to travel. The anxiety I have when the door goes is unbelievable - never knew so much trauma could occur from such a simple thing as a knock.
I've so many questions. The officers said to phone them if any questions and when I did, they have yet to return the call so I can't see them doing that now. Anyway, sorry for the rambling - I just had to try and get it all out somehow.
We were woken with the knock this week - it's all so blurry, I think the warrant was against the house as there was accessing of one image from the IP address. All of the household devices were provided to police and downloaded/searched in the home on the day, with the exception of OH phone as it contained to much information for them to download and search on the spot so this has been taken away. Nothing was found on the returned devices and there were no charges pressed at the time. The date when the accessing took place, my OH wasn't in the country and to be frank he doesn't have the technical knowledge to know how to access the home router remotely from elsewhere in the world so I'm at a loss as to how and who accessed the image.
The police advised that they expect the phone will be returned next week but OH will be away for work. This seems like a quick turnaround given the timescales for others on the forum? Not entirely sure if it's a lie. We had a call from OH ex partner and it appears the police have also contacted SS as he has a minor child - I understand the need for safeguarding and working on the basis of probabilities instead of guilt/evidence but it seems very premature given that there was nothing found on the day and he wasn't in the country to access the photo. I worry that they have since found something in the phone on the day after the visit and notified them opposed to notifying them as a precaution.
OH said that there's nothing child related in his phone but when I was in a room with the police woman, she told me that they don't appear with a warrant on just one case of something particularly at this time of year knowing the trauma it causes. I really don't know what or who to believe. The stories of charges for non-sexually gratifying images/videos which have been sent in group chats and so on terrify me.
I know it's very early but the worry that eats me up at the moment is so traumatising - is my partner lying? Will there be charges? Can we recover from that? Should we be proactive and get a solicitor now? How do we survive financially? My OH travels abroad for work for a few weeks at a time and if anything comes if it, I can't imagine he will be allowed to travel. The anxiety I have when the door goes is unbelievable - never knew so much trauma could occur from such a simple thing as a knock.
I've so many questions. The officers said to phone them if any questions and when I did, they have yet to return the call so I can't see them doing that now. Anyway, sorry for the rambling - I just had to try and get it all out somehow.
I'm sorry you're going through this. One thing I would do is stop ringing the police. They are not your friend and very rarely return phone calls. Just let things take their course for the next week or so then you should get answers. You will get lots of support in this group xx
I'm so sorry you've joined us here but you've done the right thing, you'll find everyone on here to be non judgemental, supportive and kind.
It's very early days for you and you'll still be in shock. You're going through a potentially life changing trauma which leaves you feeling completely unable to think straight.
Do you have anyone to support you? And how is your OH coping? If you haven't already done so, I recommend contacting the LFF helpline and also your GP for support. Those early days and weeks feel unbearable so you both need to look after yourselves.
We're all here for you, so keep reaching out to us.
Take care and look after yourself.
It's very early days for you and you'll still be in shock. You're going through a potentially life changing trauma which leaves you feeling completely unable to think straight.
Do you have anyone to support you? And how is your OH coping? If you haven't already done so, I recommend contacting the LFF helpline and also your GP for support. Those early days and weeks feel unbearable so you both need to look after yourselves.
We're all here for you, so keep reaching out to us.
Take care and look after yourself.
I'm very sorry to find myself here but the support and experience that the forum offers is rather comforting in a strange way. I can't count the hours I've spent pouring over stories, outcomes and advice.
Mandymoo - I've quickly realised the police aren't the friendly face that the OIC appeared to put on initially in the house. Very much wary of them after reading some stories!
Ocean - I can't say that I do have anyone to support me at the moment, I'm too scared of the judgement and stigma that would come from having to explain to someone right now while there's still so much unknown at the moment. I've got the resources noted incase I feel like it's becoming a bit too much to deal with on my own however. My OH has stuck his head in the sand with it, he has spent some time today looking at solicitors with my prodding but he's not very emotionally aware and struggles with letting me know when something is wrong at the best of times. I'm more worried about him going off to work in a few days because I'm not sure if it will be a welcome distraction or give him too much space & time but all I can do then is keep that communication with him open.
Mandymoo - I've quickly realised the police aren't the friendly face that the OIC appeared to put on initially in the house. Very much wary of them after reading some stories!
Ocean - I can't say that I do have anyone to support me at the moment, I'm too scared of the judgement and stigma that would come from having to explain to someone right now while there's still so much unknown at the moment. I've got the resources noted incase I feel like it's becoming a bit too much to deal with on my own however. My OH has stuck his head in the sand with it, he has spent some time today looking at solicitors with my prodding but he's not very emotionally aware and struggles with letting me know when something is wrong at the best of times. I'm more worried about him going off to work in a few days because I'm not sure if it will be a welcome distraction or give him too much space & time but all I can do then is keep that communication with him open.
Hi Beelu, I'm 3 weeks post-knock with my OH's alleged crime involving the dark web and POII. I'm sorry you've joined this "club" - definitely not a club I ever wanted to join, but this forum is absolutely amazing, as are the people in it.
The knock was blurry for me too, although his crime has the IP tied to his name and address so only his items got taken. Nothing was scanned on the day. Like your OH ex partner, I am involved with SS as we have a toddler daughter together- that element to me was initially the most scary aspect of it, but I know ultimately they want to ensure 100% safeguarding for children. I was told that SS automatically need to be involved if the accused has any involvement with his children, so your OH ex partner just needs to demonstrate to them that the 100% priority is the child (which isn't hard to do, especially as she's not needing to revise any relationship with him if that makes sense?)
I was also told that they won't appear with a warrant on just one piece of evidence. I think the police tried to lull him into a false sense of security, and my partner originally only told me it was an accident, but I'll be honest - he's just told me there will be more, and I've heard this happen with others, so whilst this might not be the case with your OH- you just need to mentally prepare for that because my partner told me last night there will be more, and I'm now about 99.5% sure our relationship won't see the end of January, for my mental health to be honest.
Only your partner knows the full scope of what happened here, and really he needs to be the one to take the actions. My partner relied on me for all admin stuff over the years, and now we're coming up to a month and he hasn't even called a solicitor yet, nor LFF even know I've told him he really ought to. As much as I can see how much you love and care for him, this is what he needs to face. He might need a bit of time though like my partner to just try and get over the initial shock of what's happened, because this is a traumatising event for him, as well as you.
The knock was blurry for me too, although his crime has the IP tied to his name and address so only his items got taken. Nothing was scanned on the day. Like your OH ex partner, I am involved with SS as we have a toddler daughter together- that element to me was initially the most scary aspect of it, but I know ultimately they want to ensure 100% safeguarding for children. I was told that SS automatically need to be involved if the accused has any involvement with his children, so your OH ex partner just needs to demonstrate to them that the 100% priority is the child (which isn't hard to do, especially as she's not needing to revise any relationship with him if that makes sense?)
I was also told that they won't appear with a warrant on just one piece of evidence. I think the police tried to lull him into a false sense of security, and my partner originally only told me it was an accident, but I'll be honest - he's just told me there will be more, and I've heard this happen with others, so whilst this might not be the case with your OH- you just need to mentally prepare for that because my partner told me last night there will be more, and I'm now about 99.5% sure our relationship won't see the end of January, for my mental health to be honest.
Only your partner knows the full scope of what happened here, and really he needs to be the one to take the actions. My partner relied on me for all admin stuff over the years, and now we're coming up to a month and he hasn't even called a solicitor yet, nor LFF even know I've told him he really ought to. As much as I can see how much you love and care for him, this is what he needs to face. He might need a bit of time though like my partner to just try and get over the initial shock of what's happened, because this is a traumatising event for him, as well as you.
Bee x
So sorry you have found yourself here, this journey is full of anxiety, sadness and you think think you are alone
But yet you have found a place to be able to talk openly, non judgemental and more support than you can imagine
So for now just take a deep breath, and no you are definitely not alone xx
So sorry you have found yourself here, this journey is full of anxiety, sadness and you think think you are alone
But yet you have found a place to be able to talk openly, non judgemental and more support than you can imagine
So for now just take a deep breath, and no you are definitely not alone xx
Beelu and woodpecker: the police can and do arrest people on only one piece of evidence, so I'd take with a pinch of salt what the policewoman said from that regard - however it might have been her way of telling you that they believe there is more. And to be honest, there usually is; it's rare for people to only look once and from what I've read offending often goes in waves over longer periods of time.
My person admitted to me there was more than the arrest warrant was for (which was a single IP address hit). Intriguingly the police never found the extra stuff, but he admitted it in court anyway, as he wanted to be open, honest and start with a clean slate I suppose!
Re relationships - you absolutely need full disclosure and honesty to be able to continue, however it's normal for these men to take at least a few weeks to come to terms with things, process things. Others say frequently and I agree, you don't need to come to a decision straight away. One day at a time.
My oh didn't ring a solicitor for at least a month and I had to do all the organising. The 2nd, much better solicitor, I actually rang, spoke to and set up the initial meeting for my OH. His mental health was too poor to cope with it on his own (I'll never forget the day I found the rope he intended to take his own life with), even though he wanted to do it himself, he just couldnt. He also has (we and the stopso therapist believe) undiagnosed ADHD which makes it harder for him to manage this type of task.
However once organised he engaged amazingly and in the last 6 months he has made incredible progress and we are working hard for the future we want together. Unfortunately it all takes time
Our timeline:
Arrested Jan, he came clean to me within the first few days. He moved out immediately as per bail conditions. Social work assessment commenced
SS case closed Feb with safety plan in line with bail conditions
Engaged first private solicitor in march
Went to cps in July
Changed solicitor in September
Changed name in September
Charged in September
Started stopso therapy in September and the LFF online modules. Listened to audiobook your brain on porn which was a huge turning point. Listened to pixels of a crime scene podcast and wrote reflective accounts on victim impact and his feelings on what he'd done
First hearing October
Sentencing November
Started sex addicts anonymous in December
Starts the LFF inform plus course in January
It's been quite a quick criminal case compared to most
Hope that's helpful
My person admitted to me there was more than the arrest warrant was for (which was a single IP address hit). Intriguingly the police never found the extra stuff, but he admitted it in court anyway, as he wanted to be open, honest and start with a clean slate I suppose!
Re relationships - you absolutely need full disclosure and honesty to be able to continue, however it's normal for these men to take at least a few weeks to come to terms with things, process things. Others say frequently and I agree, you don't need to come to a decision straight away. One day at a time.
My oh didn't ring a solicitor for at least a month and I had to do all the organising. The 2nd, much better solicitor, I actually rang, spoke to and set up the initial meeting for my OH. His mental health was too poor to cope with it on his own (I'll never forget the day I found the rope he intended to take his own life with), even though he wanted to do it himself, he just couldnt. He also has (we and the stopso therapist believe) undiagnosed ADHD which makes it harder for him to manage this type of task.
However once organised he engaged amazingly and in the last 6 months he has made incredible progress and we are working hard for the future we want together. Unfortunately it all takes time
Our timeline:
Arrested Jan, he came clean to me within the first few days. He moved out immediately as per bail conditions. Social work assessment commenced
SS case closed Feb with safety plan in line with bail conditions
Engaged first private solicitor in march
Went to cps in July
Changed solicitor in September
Changed name in September
Charged in September
Started stopso therapy in September and the LFF online modules. Listened to audiobook your brain on porn which was a huge turning point. Listened to pixels of a crime scene podcast and wrote reflective accounts on victim impact and his feelings on what he'd done
First hearing October
Sentencing November
Started sex addicts anonymous in December
Starts the LFF inform plus course in January
It's been quite a quick criminal case compared to most
Hope that's helpful
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