Did you stay together?
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It's still early days since my OH was arrested (2 months feels like a lifetime) and I know there's no way I can or should make up my mind what to do yet, as I'm still shocked, angry, upset, dismayed, disgusted and incredibly sad after 20+ years of a happy and full life together. But I'm keen to hear from any partners or wives who have stayed together with their person. How did you manage? What has it been like? How far through the process are you? Is there anything you would recommend to help work through things? Thank you x
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Lostandtorn.....
I'm currently working on the should I or can I sort of sanero with my ex ( what we become in the last year) he was arrested for his discovery caught up with him of June 2022 and sw I had 1st never supported us even to be friends with her opinion on risk making to our three children together in the new journey I had been rushed to be a single parent for wasn't easy we just had a child was 6 months at time was arrested etc so I had to move into a refuge and now had to do Al cps rules for my children were my priority now as should be but it's only bien this month he told me that he was sentence of 2years probation at 10yr on the register and he just lost job so can't support kids and myself without the support I received by few whom know of this have no support in the dission of my life dession to if I were to take him bk..... but before I do anything more in this my only priority now as a mom is to await for a possible assessment for ss to say if can do supervision visit on them knowing where when etc isn't decided yet it's a waiting process so far to get back to some normality on past 2years is going to be unlikely for a better outcome of my dession...... gl2u and listen to your voice as much for your circle in this best of luck
I'm currently working on the should I or can I sort of sanero with my ex ( what we become in the last year) he was arrested for his discovery caught up with him of June 2022 and sw I had 1st never supported us even to be friends with her opinion on risk making to our three children together in the new journey I had been rushed to be a single parent for wasn't easy we just had a child was 6 months at time was arrested etc so I had to move into a refuge and now had to do Al cps rules for my children were my priority now as should be but it's only bien this month he told me that he was sentence of 2years probation at 10yr on the register and he just lost job so can't support kids and myself without the support I received by few whom know of this have no support in the dission of my life dession to if I were to take him bk..... but before I do anything more in this my only priority now as a mom is to await for a possible assessment for ss to say if can do supervision visit on them knowing where when etc isn't decided yet it's a waiting process so far to get back to some normality on past 2years is going to be unlikely for a better outcome of my dession...... gl2u and listen to your voice as much for your circle in this best of luck
I left my fiancé immediately. I could never accept what he did and I don't believe there are any excuses. I struggled with the loss of what I thought was a great relationship but never with my decision to leave. My life is back to normal now as leaving him meant that I didn't have to deal with any of the fall out caused by his actions. He disgusts me and he is living a sad and lonely life.
I hope that you make the decision which is right for you and what you can accept and live with. There is definitely light at the end of the tunnel!!
I hope that you make the decision which is right for you and what you can accept and live with. There is definitely light at the end of the tunnel!!
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Hello Lostandtorn.
Hope you are doing ok ?
We Are now 18 months past sentencing and yes we are still very much together if anything we are stronger. He got 5 years on both SOR and SHPO , done his community service out of the way quick.
Just talk to him about stuff , don't bring up about the issue that's done with. Try and see if there is anything you can build. Small steps.
xx
Hope you are doing ok ?
We Are now 18 months past sentencing and yes we are still very much together if anything we are stronger. He got 5 years on both SOR and SHPO , done his community service out of the way quick.
Just talk to him about stuff , don't bring up about the issue that's done with. Try and see if there is anything you can build. Small steps.
xx
Hello Lostandtorn
We are coming up to 3 years post knock in February and just 2 years post sentencing this month. On the day of the knock I probably reacted like the majority of people on the forum and was in total shock and disbelief, it would have been so easy to have walked away without knowing or understanding what had happened. Somehow I found my logical head and I remember having the conversation around openness and honesty, I recall saying if he was open and honest with me from the start I would support him but if I were to find out any surprises from the police/solicitor etc then I would walk away. Fortunately for both of us everything he told me was the truth, he did not have any porn addiction and both the police and solicitor confirmed what he told me happened was correct. How I learnt to cope was not to define him by what had happened, I remained positive in the knowledge this was never intentional and he did not get any gratification from what he had seen. My husband was and still is a good, kind, caring and honest individual who goes above and beyond to help anyone. I tried to keep these positive thoughts at all times but always kept an open mind in the knowledge that something may come up that himself or anyone else had not told me, this never happened even through the plea and sentencing hearings. I insisted both of us went to our GP together and discussed everything that happened openly with our GP, she was absolutely amazing and immediately referred us both for counselling and therapy and following on we had weekly calls with her right up till our therapy started. We were fortunate to have strong support from 80% of family and all of my friends but sadly he lost his life long friends which on reflection now he has realised they could never have been true friends. We kept ourselves busy with work and hobbies and after a while learnt to talk about things unrelated to the offence. I have to be honest the media coverage was horrendous, that time post court hearings was a bit of a blur when it came to both of us coping as I did suffer a total breakdown but today and like Chelsea we are still together and stronger than ever. I did become paranoid about him using his phone and every time he looked at it I wanted to know what he was looking at. We both agreed to install parental locks on our internet usage to reassure me nothing untoward would happen, I know how serious he is about making sure nothing like this ever happens again. He has been 100% compliant with everything and after completing his IHorizon course he now works so hard volunteering with the probation service which gives him a sense of purpose and keeps him occupied. For me the decision to stay was easy but I know for others the decision to walk had to have been the most awful decision to make especially when children are involved and whole family life as was once known has been destroyed. I don't think I will ever get over what happened but through therapy I have learnt coping mechanisms to help me get on with my life in a positive way, time is a great healer and life can be good be it different to what it was pre-knock. For me, the children who suffer abuse are never far from my thoughts and these offences can never be condoned. My husband made a horrific mistake that will stay with us always but we at least can live and breathe and enjoy life again.
Katie xxx
We are coming up to 3 years post knock in February and just 2 years post sentencing this month. On the day of the knock I probably reacted like the majority of people on the forum and was in total shock and disbelief, it would have been so easy to have walked away without knowing or understanding what had happened. Somehow I found my logical head and I remember having the conversation around openness and honesty, I recall saying if he was open and honest with me from the start I would support him but if I were to find out any surprises from the police/solicitor etc then I would walk away. Fortunately for both of us everything he told me was the truth, he did not have any porn addiction and both the police and solicitor confirmed what he told me happened was correct. How I learnt to cope was not to define him by what had happened, I remained positive in the knowledge this was never intentional and he did not get any gratification from what he had seen. My husband was and still is a good, kind, caring and honest individual who goes above and beyond to help anyone. I tried to keep these positive thoughts at all times but always kept an open mind in the knowledge that something may come up that himself or anyone else had not told me, this never happened even through the plea and sentencing hearings. I insisted both of us went to our GP together and discussed everything that happened openly with our GP, she was absolutely amazing and immediately referred us both for counselling and therapy and following on we had weekly calls with her right up till our therapy started. We were fortunate to have strong support from 80% of family and all of my friends but sadly he lost his life long friends which on reflection now he has realised they could never have been true friends. We kept ourselves busy with work and hobbies and after a while learnt to talk about things unrelated to the offence. I have to be honest the media coverage was horrendous, that time post court hearings was a bit of a blur when it came to both of us coping as I did suffer a total breakdown but today and like Chelsea we are still together and stronger than ever. I did become paranoid about him using his phone and every time he looked at it I wanted to know what he was looking at. We both agreed to install parental locks on our internet usage to reassure me nothing untoward would happen, I know how serious he is about making sure nothing like this ever happens again. He has been 100% compliant with everything and after completing his IHorizon course he now works so hard volunteering with the probation service which gives him a sense of purpose and keeps him occupied. For me the decision to stay was easy but I know for others the decision to walk had to have been the most awful decision to make especially when children are involved and whole family life as was once known has been destroyed. I don't think I will ever get over what happened but through therapy I have learnt coping mechanisms to help me get on with my life in a positive way, time is a great healer and life can be good be it different to what it was pre-knock. For me, the children who suffer abuse are never far from my thoughts and these offences can never be condoned. My husband made a horrific mistake that will stay with us always but we at least can live and breathe and enjoy life again.
Katie xxx
Lost and Torn you have had some varied answers that probably demonstrate there is no wrong or right answer, just follow your gut.
I have blogged a series about my journey on the world according to the knock website detailing from the knock to present day. Please feel free to take a look and hopefully you will find it of some use.
Take care xx
I have blogged a series about my journey on the world according to the knock website detailing from the knock to present day. Please feel free to take a look and hopefully you will find it of some use.
Take care xx
Hey it's only been a few weeks for me but I totally get how your feeling. The confusion of your feelings is so draining. Just know that you do not have to make a decision until you are ready. The best thing is sitting in this and seeing how he does with his recovery and working out how you feel.
I go from wanting to support him to not but my OH is not making it easy tbh. He is loving with his mum and I just don't feel like I am a priority to him at all. He says it's hard to talk to me and all that he is trying to do is get help and be a good dad. I don't feel like he understands or cares how this has affected me and how it's because of me and his family that he is even able to continue to be a dad. So for me that feeling of loving him and supporting him is drifting away the more he keeps me in the dark and doesn't prioritise my feelings as well as his recovery. He says it's too hard to do both but I'm like you caused this so how are you not trying to do all you can in every aspect.
I hope for you that you are getting the support and reassurance from him that you need.
Remember lots of self care through this too although I know it's easier said than done x
I go from wanting to support him to not but my OH is not making it easy tbh. He is loving with his mum and I just don't feel like I am a priority to him at all. He says it's hard to talk to me and all that he is trying to do is get help and be a good dad. I don't feel like he understands or cares how this has affected me and how it's because of me and his family that he is even able to continue to be a dad. So for me that feeling of loving him and supporting him is drifting away the more he keeps me in the dark and doesn't prioritise my feelings as well as his recovery. He says it's too hard to do both but I'm like you caused this so how are you not trying to do all you can in every aspect.
I hope for you that you are getting the support and reassurance from him that you need.
Remember lots of self care through this too although I know it's easier said than done x
I stayed however he reoffended and I left after this.
Take your time deciding. You don't need to make any decisions any time soon.
Sending you love x
Take your time deciding. You don't need to make any decisions any time soon.
Sending you love x
I've just logged back in to all these replies, thank you each and every one one of you. Such a mixed bag of replies goes to show how each situation is so very different, but we all have this one awful thing in common.
Katie28 - what happened with the media coverage and how did you cope with neighbours, friends and family finding out? Also, how did you go about installing parental locks on his internet useage?
My OH is following the LFF modules and has nearly worked through them all, plus he speaks to them regularly as well as his GP (who's very supportive) and a mental health professional, so I have to try and look at the positives in him trying to help himself.
He admitted a porn addiction which led to where he's ended up and he also got into drinking heavily to try and block it out - all unbeknown to me, how he hid it I'll never know. As well as his phone and laptop, the police took several memory sticks on which he'd saved images, he says he doesn't know how many but it's got to be a lot, so presumably that'll affect what happens when it goes to court - which scares the hell out of me.
My head's in a spin most of the time with do I stay and what happens if I do - even with him getting help and trying to work through it the press here love a bad news story and will have a field day, so I'm scared of what neighbours and family will think/say/do - or do I go and if so when and how and what happens next.
Some of the time I feel strong enough to get through it with him, some of the time I feel strong enough to get through it without him. The rest of the time I don't feel strong at all. It doesn't help that my sister isn't being supportive.
Oh and on top of it all we've both got to find new jobs in a couple of months as our business is closing. How on earth do I tell a new employer about all this (presumably I don't have to until further down the road) and how on earth does he find a job with all of this hanging over him?
Katie28 - what happened with the media coverage and how did you cope with neighbours, friends and family finding out? Also, how did you go about installing parental locks on his internet useage?
My OH is following the LFF modules and has nearly worked through them all, plus he speaks to them regularly as well as his GP (who's very supportive) and a mental health professional, so I have to try and look at the positives in him trying to help himself.
He admitted a porn addiction which led to where he's ended up and he also got into drinking heavily to try and block it out - all unbeknown to me, how he hid it I'll never know. As well as his phone and laptop, the police took several memory sticks on which he'd saved images, he says he doesn't know how many but it's got to be a lot, so presumably that'll affect what happens when it goes to court - which scares the hell out of me.
My head's in a spin most of the time with do I stay and what happens if I do - even with him getting help and trying to work through it the press here love a bad news story and will have a field day, so I'm scared of what neighbours and family will think/say/do - or do I go and if so when and how and what happens next.
Some of the time I feel strong enough to get through it with him, some of the time I feel strong enough to get through it without him. The rest of the time I don't feel strong at all. It doesn't help that my sister isn't being supportive.
Oh and on top of it all we've both got to find new jobs in a couple of months as our business is closing. How on earth do I tell a new employer about all this (presumably I don't have to until further down the road) and how on earth does he find a job with all of this hanging over him?
Hi LostAndTorn, I am in a different situation to you as my person is my son so there was never an option of staying or leaving. My love for my son is unconditional and I have supported him and walked with him each step of the way. He moved back home with us on the night of his arrest and has been with us ever since. His marriage has ended and he lost his job but he still sees his children regularly as my husband and I provide supervised contact.
The media coverage for my son was horrendous. His case was reported on line and in the local paper after each court hearing. We live in a small area so anyone who knows him now knows what he did. I chose not to read the reports. I had already come off of social media so didn't see what was written. My son wouldnt leave the house to go anywhere public for a few weeks and is still cautious about going into shops etc but his confidence is gradually building and a few weeks ago he joined an adult only gym. He has come to realise that the worse that seems to happen if people have a problem with him is that they ignore him. To my knowledge no one has judged my husband or myself and we've had no issues with neighbours etc.
As others have said, there is no hurry to make a decision. We have had to learn to live one day at a time and to only deal with decision making when we have to.
The media coverage for my son was horrendous. His case was reported on line and in the local paper after each court hearing. We live in a small area so anyone who knows him now knows what he did. I chose not to read the reports. I had already come off of social media so didn't see what was written. My son wouldnt leave the house to go anywhere public for a few weeks and is still cautious about going into shops etc but his confidence is gradually building and a few weeks ago he joined an adult only gym. He has come to realise that the worse that seems to happen if people have a problem with him is that they ignore him. To my knowledge no one has judged my husband or myself and we've had no issues with neighbours etc.
As others have said, there is no hurry to make a decision. We have had to learn to live one day at a time and to only deal with decision making when we have to.
Lost x
I like Ocean have found myself here because of my son so completely different, but I didn't have to decide in what to do, a mothers love is unconditional, and I will always be there for him, but that is my choice, only you can decide on what to do and no matter what you decide there is no right or wrong lovely
Take time for yourself first, the heart will know what is right, don't weigh yourself down with the stress (easier said than done)
Sending hugs and strength to you xx
I like Ocean have found myself here because of my son so completely different, but I didn't have to decide in what to do, a mothers love is unconditional, and I will always be there for him, but that is my choice, only you can decide on what to do and no matter what you decide there is no right or wrong lovely
Take time for yourself first, the heart will know what is right, don't weigh yourself down with the stress (easier said than done)
Sending hugs and strength to you xx
I left the second he told me (after making sure he had a therapist to support him). I couldn't live with the level of deception and lies. It's such a personal decision though and as everyone has said only you know what it is right for you. Trust your gut. Although it has taken me years to come to terms with the situation I don't regret my decision to end our marriage and go on to try and repair my life.
Hi lostandtorn
we're currently 17ish months past the knock my oh is currently Rui still waiting on charges was told in august it would be another 500 days odd till phone is checked.
iv stayed with him but only because he has admitted he has a porn addiction and is seeking help. Our sw kept pushing me for an answer to if I was gonna stay or leave and I told her I wasn't going to make any rush decisions until I'd seen all evidence. I feel like it shouldn't be anyones decision but our own, I know my husband isn't a bad person. so I won't be bullied by anyone into making a decision.
we're currently 17ish months past the knock my oh is currently Rui still waiting on charges was told in august it would be another 500 days odd till phone is checked.
iv stayed with him but only because he has admitted he has a porn addiction and is seeking help. Our sw kept pushing me for an answer to if I was gonna stay or leave and I told her I wasn't going to make any rush decisions until I'd seen all evidence. I feel like it shouldn't be anyones decision but our own, I know my husband isn't a bad person. so I won't be bullied by anyone into making a decision.
I'm 11 weeks into this nightmare when my husband was arrested. When he came into my life 8yrs ago I thought he was my Knight in shining armour we haven't even been married a year yet. He bought this awful crime into my and my families lives. We don't have children together as he never wanted children. I have 2 grown up sons which they saw my husband as their dad. It's been so emotional hard stressful and really hard to get your head around. His hearing has been adjourned twice so still waiting which is frustrating. My husband lives with his mum as I didn't want him back home as I was in so much shock and so hurt and confused. The police smashed in the door went through the house took all his computer and electronic devices. I wasn't there but when the police came round to see me they drop the bomb turn your life upside down and no support. Your left with it all. I currently having therapy and have been dealing with things the best way I can. A month ago I decided to see my husband to hear what he had to say. It started before he met me with adult porn and then Escalated to children. I was with him over 3hrs and it was all about him. He had no idea what I have been going through and still going through. I realised that there was emotional mulipulation as he's hoping that we can work through this and have couples therapy. I know he is working with LFF doing the modules and regular sessions and telephone conversations but for me it's too late this should have happened years ago. The hardest thing I'm dealing with is letting go and trying to move on with my life cos our relationship and marriage was perfect and it's hard to believe that it's over because of the crime he committed and the severity of it. I know that I could never forgive him or trust him again. My ist marriage ended because he was a serial cheater so trust is massive now in my life. Once the hearing has happened and I know what sentence he will get will hopefully help me to move on but I know its not going to be easy. I also know that if I choose to stay with him my life will be isolated and I would loose my sons and family. As hard as it is I know I'm making the right decision for me and in time I will be able to live without this consuming me.
We have stayed together, we are just shy of a year post knock and he was sentenced in November.
For me, I could never throw the whole person away due to one bad thing as long as that bad thing wasn't a cause of significant harm to me or my child. That's not to say it's always been easy and in the first month we did separate because he said that's what he wanted and because I needed to understand more about the offending and whether he was a risk to me or our child. Once this has been worked out and I realised the risks were extremely low, and that he wanted to separate just to protect me, it became a much easier decision and much easier path. I think this was a relatively quick process for me/us, possibly because my social work background means I had a head start in my understanding of the offending.
Simply put although I could imagine life without him, it's not a life I want. He brings me joy every day, and is a wonderful father.
Things that have helped and supported this path have been him having stopso therapy, and a great solicitor who helped him face up to what's happened. He's also done most of the LFF online modules, listened to my brain on porn, and listened to the pixels of a crime scene podcast which I highly recommend (it's focused on the victims). He's written reflective accounts on the podcasts and worked deeply to understand why he offended. He accepts he has a porn addiction and he has not looked at any porn since January. This is tracked on an app. I also control all his devices, by having parental controls over him. He has started attending sex addicts anonymous online and he is starting the LFF inform plus very soon.
Many people talk of the dishonesty and thinking their relationship has all been fake or based on lies, but after the initial shock this description has never made sense to me personally, as I believe everyone in the world has thoughts and feelings they keep to themselves. My husband doesn't know every single thing I've ever done, thought or felt as this would be impossible. For me that doesn't mean our relationship is based on lies; we love each other deeply. I appreciate other people view this differently. Unfortunately this thing he hid wasn't like fibbing about the price of a designer handbag, it was harmful in a bigger way, but he's the person thats been punished the most due to this, he is remorseful, and all the evidence I have suggests he has changed.
I believe the majority of these men keep it secret not to cause more harm or as a personal affront to their partners/families, but because they are deeply ashamed and frightened. The stigma and legal consequences as well as consequences for their family and work mean they can't ask for help as they will face very significant negative repercussions; far worse even if for example they had a substance misuse or alcohol addiction.
My husband and I never had any significant issues in our relationship before this happened, but I can see our communication is now much deeper and better than ever and I feel positive and excited for our future as a family together, which 11 months ago felt pretty much impossible! We have a few more hurdles to go such as getting him back living at home and the outstanding SHPO hearing, but hopefully soon most of this will be behind us!
For me, I could never throw the whole person away due to one bad thing as long as that bad thing wasn't a cause of significant harm to me or my child. That's not to say it's always been easy and in the first month we did separate because he said that's what he wanted and because I needed to understand more about the offending and whether he was a risk to me or our child. Once this has been worked out and I realised the risks were extremely low, and that he wanted to separate just to protect me, it became a much easier decision and much easier path. I think this was a relatively quick process for me/us, possibly because my social work background means I had a head start in my understanding of the offending.
Simply put although I could imagine life without him, it's not a life I want. He brings me joy every day, and is a wonderful father.
Things that have helped and supported this path have been him having stopso therapy, and a great solicitor who helped him face up to what's happened. He's also done most of the LFF online modules, listened to my brain on porn, and listened to the pixels of a crime scene podcast which I highly recommend (it's focused on the victims). He's written reflective accounts on the podcasts and worked deeply to understand why he offended. He accepts he has a porn addiction and he has not looked at any porn since January. This is tracked on an app. I also control all his devices, by having parental controls over him. He has started attending sex addicts anonymous online and he is starting the LFF inform plus very soon.
Many people talk of the dishonesty and thinking their relationship has all been fake or based on lies, but after the initial shock this description has never made sense to me personally, as I believe everyone in the world has thoughts and feelings they keep to themselves. My husband doesn't know every single thing I've ever done, thought or felt as this would be impossible. For me that doesn't mean our relationship is based on lies; we love each other deeply. I appreciate other people view this differently. Unfortunately this thing he hid wasn't like fibbing about the price of a designer handbag, it was harmful in a bigger way, but he's the person thats been punished the most due to this, he is remorseful, and all the evidence I have suggests he has changed.
I believe the majority of these men keep it secret not to cause more harm or as a personal affront to their partners/families, but because they are deeply ashamed and frightened. The stigma and legal consequences as well as consequences for their family and work mean they can't ask for help as they will face very significant negative repercussions; far worse even if for example they had a substance misuse or alcohol addiction.
My husband and I never had any significant issues in our relationship before this happened, but I can see our communication is now much deeper and better than ever and I feel positive and excited for our future as a family together, which 11 months ago felt pretty much impossible! We have a few more hurdles to go such as getting him back living at home and the outstanding SHPO hearing, but hopefully soon most of this will be behind us!
We are 3 weeks post-knock and I'm trying to equate the crime to my partner. I've signed up to the LFF F&F course to see if I can gain some understanding as to the whys and what's to expect legally.
We've been together for a long time, and I just can't imagine him doing this. He's prepared me for the worst though (could be hundreds of photos), so now I'm putting the house on the market in the next couple of weeks, he will live with family and me and our young daughter will live elsewhere. I go between wanting to pretend nothing is happening, to getting so angry I'm physically shaking.
We haven't split up, but the more I hear more from him and the more I hear legally, the more upset I get, and the more I realise the writing is on the wall at least for our relationship. Our relationship had more cracks than we realised prior to this, so even without this incident, at the very least we would need a lot of therapy, couples and individual.
I realised today that I had been repressing an incident with a photo of myself when I was 15, and an older ex who shared this with his friends and some people I knew. I remembered how traumatising that was for me, and how vulnerable I felt. Not even comparable to some of the Category A stuff that's online, I mean I can't even begin to fathom the mindset of the minors on there who know they're online for all to see.
I think staying or leaving is such a personal decision, but at this point for me, I just can't see how I can move past this, especially with SS on our tails.
We've been together for a long time, and I just can't imagine him doing this. He's prepared me for the worst though (could be hundreds of photos), so now I'm putting the house on the market in the next couple of weeks, he will live with family and me and our young daughter will live elsewhere. I go between wanting to pretend nothing is happening, to getting so angry I'm physically shaking.
We haven't split up, but the more I hear more from him and the more I hear legally, the more upset I get, and the more I realise the writing is on the wall at least for our relationship. Our relationship had more cracks than we realised prior to this, so even without this incident, at the very least we would need a lot of therapy, couples and individual.
I realised today that I had been repressing an incident with a photo of myself when I was 15, and an older ex who shared this with his friends and some people I knew. I remembered how traumatising that was for me, and how vulnerable I felt. Not even comparable to some of the Category A stuff that's online, I mean I can't even begin to fathom the mindset of the minors on there who know they're online for all to see.
I think staying or leaving is such a personal decision, but at this point for me, I just can't see how I can move past this, especially with SS on our tails.
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Hi LostAndTorn,
I had the knock in February 2022 and sentencing was August 2023. My husband and I have been together for 6 years and married for 3.
I think the biggest thing I would recommend is getting help for yourself if you can. I started seeing a therapist a few days after the knock and I think one of the things that stuck with me was she said I could change my mind at any stage. What I decide today does not have to be what will be my final decision and it's also okay to not know what my decision is yet. I have also been learning that it's okay to make a decision purely for me and what I want. At the end of the day, I'm the one that will have to live my life.
Having someone who isn't family or a friend who I can be completely open with and whose sole purpose is to help me figure things out has helped so much.
For me, what has also helped has been my husband's attitude and work he has done since the knock. I have had full disclosure with the solicitor and barrister throughout the whole process, everything was laid out for me and there was nothing kept from me. I could and did contact the solicitor with any questions I had and was invited to all meetings if I wanted to attend. I think having the full picture and knowing helped me. This may not work for everyone of course, but for me, I needed to know everything to know what it is I'm deciding about.
I personally, don't think there is any way you can work through things with no honesty so I would encourage that from both of you. His dedication to working on himself (through therapy, porn sobriety, attending support groups, courses, podcasts, reading and having an independent person to be accountable to) and addressing the root of the path that led him here also made a difference. I was also very upfront with him that any work he does needs to be for himself and I never made any promises about staying or leaving.
The legal process itself has been tough and we went to trial and that was really hard and I had to protect my wellbeing as best as I could. I did not attend the trial as I felt that would be too much for me and I already knew everything so there was nothing new there. His immediate family and my immediate family all know and have surprised me in so many ways. We don't plan on telling anyone else and that is hard at times as you find yourself lying or being vague about certain things. His mum and sister especially have been great. His sister and brother in law even came on a visit to see him in prison a few weeks ago (usually just me and his mum go). My mum and sister have been so supportive of me and want me to do what I want. Luckily we have had no media coverage.
Last week my therapist asked what it is I need from my husband and honestly, I can't fault the work he has done so far, even now whilst serving his prison sentence. All I've said is that time will tell and at this moment, I am okay to wait and see what time brings. It's not the hard yes or no that I thought I would end up with but I'm at peace with seeing what time brings as we both continue to work on ourselves.
I hope things turn out as best as they can for you and I hope you try your best to focus on yourself, your healing and what you want. Sending you a big hug and feel free to message me if you need to talk more xoxo
I had the knock in February 2022 and sentencing was August 2023. My husband and I have been together for 6 years and married for 3.
I think the biggest thing I would recommend is getting help for yourself if you can. I started seeing a therapist a few days after the knock and I think one of the things that stuck with me was she said I could change my mind at any stage. What I decide today does not have to be what will be my final decision and it's also okay to not know what my decision is yet. I have also been learning that it's okay to make a decision purely for me and what I want. At the end of the day, I'm the one that will have to live my life.
Having someone who isn't family or a friend who I can be completely open with and whose sole purpose is to help me figure things out has helped so much.
For me, what has also helped has been my husband's attitude and work he has done since the knock. I have had full disclosure with the solicitor and barrister throughout the whole process, everything was laid out for me and there was nothing kept from me. I could and did contact the solicitor with any questions I had and was invited to all meetings if I wanted to attend. I think having the full picture and knowing helped me. This may not work for everyone of course, but for me, I needed to know everything to know what it is I'm deciding about.
I personally, don't think there is any way you can work through things with no honesty so I would encourage that from both of you. His dedication to working on himself (through therapy, porn sobriety, attending support groups, courses, podcasts, reading and having an independent person to be accountable to) and addressing the root of the path that led him here also made a difference. I was also very upfront with him that any work he does needs to be for himself and I never made any promises about staying or leaving.
The legal process itself has been tough and we went to trial and that was really hard and I had to protect my wellbeing as best as I could. I did not attend the trial as I felt that would be too much for me and I already knew everything so there was nothing new there. His immediate family and my immediate family all know and have surprised me in so many ways. We don't plan on telling anyone else and that is hard at times as you find yourself lying or being vague about certain things. His mum and sister especially have been great. His sister and brother in law even came on a visit to see him in prison a few weeks ago (usually just me and his mum go). My mum and sister have been so supportive of me and want me to do what I want. Luckily we have had no media coverage.
Last week my therapist asked what it is I need from my husband and honestly, I can't fault the work he has done so far, even now whilst serving his prison sentence. All I've said is that time will tell and at this moment, I am okay to wait and see what time brings. It's not the hard yes or no that I thought I would end up with but I'm at peace with seeing what time brings as we both continue to work on ourselves.
I hope things turn out as best as they can for you and I hope you try your best to focus on yourself, your healing and what you want. Sending you a big hug and feel free to message me if you need to talk more xoxo
3 weeks in I have found the differing paths that have been taken extremely supportive for me. At the moment I haven't a clue which way I will go. OH and son have placed me in this. However, the mantra I keep hearing is one day at a time and I'll take that as my comfort blanket for now.
Hi,
I'm 3 and a half years post knock and 3 weeks post sentencing. My partner got 44 months but will serve 22months maybe less still in his holding prison at the moment.
We have had 3 years of waiting for sentencing, it took a massive toll on how we lived our life every meal out or day out was always tainted with could this be the last time for a while. After months of both of our mental health's struggling we spoke to our doctors for support. They were amazing! For us the waiting and unknown of when it was happening was the hardest as his court date was move 3 times being months later from the date. I chose to support my partner the moment I got off the phone with the police as he was arrested at his workplace. We had been together 5years at this point and will be 8 years in September. One thing I held onto throughout all of it was I know who my partner is better than anyone and I know he was really struggling mentally at the time of the offense. I try not to think about what others think and ask myself am I happy? And everytime I say yes I am. My partner would tell me if we ever feel sad think about all the good memories we have had together and the many more we will make after this. We changed our mindset to cherish every possible minute we have together. I thrive most with love and affection so being able to be with him made the process easier.
There will still be rough patches throughout but it made us even stronger in all honesty even little things like acknowledging that we are supporting each other and that's all we need. My family have either disowned me or strained. But I love my partner dearly and he showed me his remorse all this time.
For me this is the hardest part him in prison, we have spent 7 years never apart everyday. I spent the first few days in heartbreak and agony. After a week I had my first phonecall and I felt better but still lonely. Getting a call has helped alot he calls me a few times a week and I've been sending letters as well. It's been 3 weeks since I haven't seen him and I'm struggling with the physical side hugs kisses, I have alot of sleepless nights I sleep at 5am wake up in panic looking for him. My mind has accepted that's where he needs to be right now but my body is taking longer to adjust to it. I'm in limbo I'm having to move back to my home town as I can't afford to live alone. Only place I can go is my side of the family and it makes me apprehensive as all they do is make comments about my partner and its and uncomfortable situation to be put into. When he comes out I'll find a place before he's released but I'm struggling to think at the moment and bills and everything are fast approaching. The police or courts haven't offered any support for his family or me. I think it's a shock to have little to no support for us on the outside. I hope to visit him in the next few weeks. Time is going quick and slow depends on the day.
Take everyday as it comes if you overwhelm yourself with to dos you will burn yourself out. We are both relieved that he's now doing his time as we haven't been able to do anything for 3 years just waiting. He said he's coping well and that it isn't like on the telly and he's safe and for me to look after myself. He's more worried about me than himself and I am in the same mind set for him.
Although we are all in similar situations in regards to the type of offences everyone has different experiences the best advice I can give is be true to you and what you want don't let others dictate YOUR choices and do what you think is best for you. We are all here to help and support each other as this is no easy choice to make and no one should be put in this position.
Sending love xxxx
I'm 3 and a half years post knock and 3 weeks post sentencing. My partner got 44 months but will serve 22months maybe less still in his holding prison at the moment.
We have had 3 years of waiting for sentencing, it took a massive toll on how we lived our life every meal out or day out was always tainted with could this be the last time for a while. After months of both of our mental health's struggling we spoke to our doctors for support. They were amazing! For us the waiting and unknown of when it was happening was the hardest as his court date was move 3 times being months later from the date. I chose to support my partner the moment I got off the phone with the police as he was arrested at his workplace. We had been together 5years at this point and will be 8 years in September. One thing I held onto throughout all of it was I know who my partner is better than anyone and I know he was really struggling mentally at the time of the offense. I try not to think about what others think and ask myself am I happy? And everytime I say yes I am. My partner would tell me if we ever feel sad think about all the good memories we have had together and the many more we will make after this. We changed our mindset to cherish every possible minute we have together. I thrive most with love and affection so being able to be with him made the process easier.
There will still be rough patches throughout but it made us even stronger in all honesty even little things like acknowledging that we are supporting each other and that's all we need. My family have either disowned me or strained. But I love my partner dearly and he showed me his remorse all this time.
For me this is the hardest part him in prison, we have spent 7 years never apart everyday. I spent the first few days in heartbreak and agony. After a week I had my first phonecall and I felt better but still lonely. Getting a call has helped alot he calls me a few times a week and I've been sending letters as well. It's been 3 weeks since I haven't seen him and I'm struggling with the physical side hugs kisses, I have alot of sleepless nights I sleep at 5am wake up in panic looking for him. My mind has accepted that's where he needs to be right now but my body is taking longer to adjust to it. I'm in limbo I'm having to move back to my home town as I can't afford to live alone. Only place I can go is my side of the family and it makes me apprehensive as all they do is make comments about my partner and its and uncomfortable situation to be put into. When he comes out I'll find a place before he's released but I'm struggling to think at the moment and bills and everything are fast approaching. The police or courts haven't offered any support for his family or me. I think it's a shock to have little to no support for us on the outside. I hope to visit him in the next few weeks. Time is going quick and slow depends on the day.
Take everyday as it comes if you overwhelm yourself with to dos you will burn yourself out. We are both relieved that he's now doing his time as we haven't been able to do anything for 3 years just waiting. He said he's coping well and that it isn't like on the telly and he's safe and for me to look after myself. He's more worried about me than himself and I am in the same mind set for him.
Although we are all in similar situations in regards to the type of offences everyone has different experiences the best advice I can give is be true to you and what you want don't let others dictate YOUR choices and do what you think is best for you. We are all here to help and support each other as this is no easy choice to make and no one should be put in this position.
Sending love xxxx
Hi LostandTorn,
Sorry for the delay in replying but just want to check if it's okay to private message you?
Best wishes
Katie x
Sorry for the delay in replying but just want to check if it's okay to private message you?
Best wishes
Katie x
Thank you all for your further comments, I've read them all several times! I don't know how any of us would get through this without each other.
I'm planning to contact LFF about the Friends and Family course, as I think that'll help me better understand what to expect as this all progresses.
Lish - what a very long time and drawn-out process it's been for you, but I'm glad to read that you still make each other happy. Whilst OH and I have had a brilliant life together the last 20 years, we've been soulmates and best friends, enjoyed the same things, supported each other, and looked forward to a long future together, I'm just not sure - at the moment - if he can make me happy again after this, as I feel so cheated and saddened by the lies and deceit. But I know I have to give it time.
Katie28 - Yes of course, please feel free to private message me.
I'm planning to contact LFF about the Friends and Family course, as I think that'll help me better understand what to expect as this all progresses.
Lish - what a very long time and drawn-out process it's been for you, but I'm glad to read that you still make each other happy. Whilst OH and I have had a brilliant life together the last 20 years, we've been soulmates and best friends, enjoyed the same things, supported each other, and looked forward to a long future together, I'm just not sure - at the moment - if he can make me happy again after this, as I feel so cheated and saddened by the lies and deceit. But I know I have to give it time.
Katie28 - Yes of course, please feel free to private message me.
Lostandtorn that is completely normal and you will still think about it when you have chosen. These are easy choices to make and are daunting to say the least. Got at your own speed everyone processes things differently and at different times you are the main person to think about in all of this.
It has been a very long time we are more relieved now then anything. The knock feels like yesterday and I remember it so clearly. Everything from times phone calls to pain and heartbreak but I wouldn't be as strong as I am now without this big hurdle to get over.
Hope you are doing the best you can sending hugs xxx
It has been a very long time we are more relieved now then anything. The knock feels like yesterday and I remember it so clearly. Everything from times phone calls to pain and heartbreak but I wouldn't be as strong as I am now without this big hurdle to get over.
Hope you are doing the best you can sending hugs xxx
It's early days yet for me, only 5 weeks. I will probably get a lot of criticism for this from those who stayed and supported, but I locked my door whilst the vigilantes were still berating him outside and before the two police cars with blue lights came to bring such shame on me. I overheard him admitting that he'd sent d**pics to a 13 year old I dumped some of his stuff in his car and gave the keys to the liaison officer. Not seen him since and have no wish to do so. How does anyone get past that betrayal and stay I have no idea.
Hi,
You won't get criticism, we all have our own lives and choices.
I did the same, I packed up all of his stuff the following day and didn't see him for six months whilst he was on remand. Our daughter was born a few days after sentencing so for me the option of never having contact wasn't the right choice for me.
My person has worked really hard on himself and continues to do so, this coupled with me gaining more of an understanding of these crimes has helped me to process the betrayal xx
You won't get criticism, we all have our own lives and choices.
I did the same, I packed up all of his stuff the following day and didn't see him for six months whilst he was on remand. Our daughter was born a few days after sentencing so for me the option of never having contact wasn't the right choice for me.
My person has worked really hard on himself and continues to do so, this coupled with me gaining more of an understanding of these crimes has helped me to process the betrayal xx
Thank you, maybe it's just too soon. I hope he gets some help from somewhere, but I don't think it will be from me tbh. We are older, in our late 60s and don't share any children, so I don't have to worry from that point of view. I wish you all the best
The knock was sept 2020 and then there was nothing til the SOR in Feb 2022. He's been off it for 3 weeks now.
In the beginning it was obviously all a shock. He was caught by paedophile hunters rather than any actual communication with children. That said, he sent an explicit image to someone who said they were 14.
My mindset was very much, the police have all our tech and all the info. I only have what my husband had told me. I kept asking him if there was anything else. I didn't feel able to find him guilty or walk away til the police investigation had found all its evidence.
I guess we just found a way to manage. There have been a few rocky patches along the way but I just feel the need to keep my marriage vows. My mum passed the month before SOR and one of the last things she said on the subject was that he made the same vows, which touched a nerve.
I'm still here though. Our police liaison has been very clear with my husband that, because of the rocks he's put in our road, he would be in a much worse situation had I not supported him.
I'm slowly rebuilding trust but its hard. Everyone I try to talk to is very judgemental. I found this forum literally 3 days before he came off the SOR. Wish I'd found it at the beginning.
In the beginning it was obviously all a shock. He was caught by paedophile hunters rather than any actual communication with children. That said, he sent an explicit image to someone who said they were 14.
My mindset was very much, the police have all our tech and all the info. I only have what my husband had told me. I kept asking him if there was anything else. I didn't feel able to find him guilty or walk away til the police investigation had found all its evidence.
I guess we just found a way to manage. There have been a few rocky patches along the way but I just feel the need to keep my marriage vows. My mum passed the month before SOR and one of the last things she said on the subject was that he made the same vows, which touched a nerve.
I'm still here though. Our police liaison has been very clear with my husband that, because of the rocks he's put in our road, he would be in a much worse situation had I not supported him.
I'm slowly rebuilding trust but its hard. Everyone I try to talk to is very judgemental. I found this forum literally 3 days before he came off the SOR. Wish I'd found it at the beginning.