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Getting the balance right
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Hi All
I hope everyone is doing okay as they can be. It's been an intense Christmas/New Year time for me as my OH has been over everyday. I suppose I'm writing here to try to organise my thoughts and get myself motivated to start the year so I'm grateful for feedback.
He feels terribly remorseful and so he is trying to make it up to us (our child and me) by doing all the chores around the house. Which sounds great but I'm finding it suffocating. He is really isolated and only really has us. He is also WFH which he tends to come back to our house to do. This has made me isolated from my family as they will have nothing to do with him. I'm trying to support him around his mental health, try give our child some normalcy especially as he has just started senior school and my mental health. I'm trying to work towards some sort of better structure where he isn't over here every waking moment. I need some space and to learn to do things - I'm planning on leaving him (he doesn't know this yet and I've been trying to sort my feelings out around this issue as it's only been a few months since the knock) so I need to learn to be a single parent.
I was thinking of supporting him to make his rented room nicer. I was also thinking of getting him to work from his current accommodation for part of the week and come over in the evening on those days. Perhaps getting to come over in the afternoons on weekends. I'm hoping over time to increase this. I'm trying to encourage him to take up hobbies or interests.
Any advice is welcome.
Thanks
I hope everyone is doing okay as they can be. It's been an intense Christmas/New Year time for me as my OH has been over everyday. I suppose I'm writing here to try to organise my thoughts and get myself motivated to start the year so I'm grateful for feedback.
He feels terribly remorseful and so he is trying to make it up to us (our child and me) by doing all the chores around the house. Which sounds great but I'm finding it suffocating. He is really isolated and only really has us. He is also WFH which he tends to come back to our house to do. This has made me isolated from my family as they will have nothing to do with him. I'm trying to support him around his mental health, try give our child some normalcy especially as he has just started senior school and my mental health. I'm trying to work towards some sort of better structure where he isn't over here every waking moment. I need some space and to learn to do things - I'm planning on leaving him (he doesn't know this yet and I've been trying to sort my feelings out around this issue as it's only been a few months since the knock) so I need to learn to be a single parent.
I was thinking of supporting him to make his rented room nicer. I was also thinking of getting him to work from his current accommodation for part of the week and come over in the evening on those days. Perhaps getting to come over in the afternoons on weekends. I'm hoping over time to increase this. I'm trying to encourage him to take up hobbies or interests.
Any advice is welcome.
Thanks
I just saw you had no replies so thought this would bump it up.
I would love my own space. My OH has lived with me throughout and we cannot afford for him to get his own place. Though i have often thought i would not manage on my own i have not had the chance to test this out. I sometimes crave space.
it sounds like you know what you want. I would try and say how it helps your OH if he works from his own place. How it benefits him if you are worried how he will take it.
Hope you manage a good balance. X
I would love my own space. My OH has lived with me throughout and we cannot afford for him to get his own place. Though i have often thought i would not manage on my own i have not had the chance to test this out. I sometimes crave space.
it sounds like you know what you want. I would try and say how it helps your OH if he works from his own place. How it benefits him if you are worried how he will take it.
Hope you manage a good balance. X
Are we the same person?! 3.5 weeks since the knock and he's been trying to come round all the time to see me and daughter, has been trying to "make it up" by doing chores, however although I wasn't sure whether to stay or go, I'm about 99% sure on splitting up with him now (he didn't know this until tonight where I told him I can't get past this).
He has been quite manipulative in his approach in all of this, saying how he's on borrowed time etc, and a lot of self pity/excuses rather than considering for my feelings. But then says how much he loves me and how I'm his soulmate (things he admitted he didn't tell me enough prior to the knock).
If you need space, although it can seem hard to do, you just need to tell him, even for the sake of your mental health. What would he say if you told him this? Is he the sort to turn it back on you, or would he be okay with it?
He has been quite manipulative in his approach in all of this, saying how he's on borrowed time etc, and a lot of self pity/excuses rather than considering for my feelings. But then says how much he loves me and how I'm his soulmate (things he admitted he didn't tell me enough prior to the knock).
If you need space, although it can seem hard to do, you just need to tell him, even for the sake of your mental health. What would he say if you told him this? Is he the sort to turn it back on you, or would he be okay with it?
Hyacinth
I totally understand the wanting space. I moved out of our home but only because where I've moved to belongs to my sister. It seemed like the best solution. I really value the peace it gives me. We do have meals together at either place when he just talks non stop as he usually hasn't spoken to anyone. I've encouraged him to get in touch with an old friend but he hasn't. He does speak quite frequently to his mum now but his grown up son hasn't been in touch since all this happened. I feel the pressure sometimes of being his only support as he doesn't live near his mum either.
Im always encouraging him to do different things but then thought that before all this happened he was quite happy with his life. Just watching his sport etc so his life hasn't changed dramatically it's just that I'm not there.
We can only do so much and also have to think about ourselves x
I totally understand the wanting space. I moved out of our home but only because where I've moved to belongs to my sister. It seemed like the best solution. I really value the peace it gives me. We do have meals together at either place when he just talks non stop as he usually hasn't spoken to anyone. I've encouraged him to get in touch with an old friend but he hasn't. He does speak quite frequently to his mum now but his grown up son hasn't been in touch since all this happened. I feel the pressure sometimes of being his only support as he doesn't live near his mum either.
Im always encouraging him to do different things but then thought that before all this happened he was quite happy with his life. Just watching his sport etc so his life hasn't changed dramatically it's just that I'm not there.
We can only do so much and also have to think about ourselves x
I think a lot of women on here are just too kind!!!
think about what they've done. They didn't think about you or your children when they were doing it!!
there are no excuses for this behaviour
You haven't done anything wrong.... they made their choice and now deserve the consequences.
think about what they've done. They didn't think about you or your children when they were doing it!!
there are no excuses for this behaviour
You haven't done anything wrong.... they made their choice and now deserve the consequences.
I do get where you are coming from Losteverything and we probably are too kind in reality. We have to cope grappling with pain in the early days, finding balance in life and eventually rebuilding our life + moving forward (all of this is not easy or black and white).
My life would be a lot easier if I had abandoned my son for sure. I wouldn't have to cope with the burdens I carry. I hate what he did to himself and us (I will never make excuses for him). But I love him plain and simple and will do my damn best to support him. He knows the support I give will carry on providing he doesn't go down this path ever again.
i can understand how it must be different when this happens with a partner or husband. It must be extremely hard to regaining the trust and moving on. But as we read daily on the forum, many do.
My respect/understanding is given to all on here whatever path they choose.
My life would be a lot easier if I had abandoned my son for sure. I wouldn't have to cope with the burdens I carry. I hate what he did to himself and us (I will never make excuses for him). But I love him plain and simple and will do my damn best to support him. He knows the support I give will carry on providing he doesn't go down this path ever again.
i can understand how it must be different when this happens with a partner or husband. It must be extremely hard to regaining the trust and moving on. But as we read daily on the forum, many do.
My respect/understanding is given to all on here whatever path they choose.
Hi losteverything
I am so sorry you have been hurt so deeply. But at the same time, the decision to leave is always fully up to the individual.
The reasons for offending are complex. Whatever is the reason for someones offending is not the same as other (ex) partners on here.
The knock is extremely painful no matter the situation. We should try to alleviate each other's pain where we can and not add to it. Words can cause distress to many.
The people who offend are sons, fathers, brothers, grandfathers, uncles... They are loved by people regardless of their crime. Leaving the offenders with no support will increase re-offending. Making them monsters will make re-offending more likely. Nobody needs to stay but at the same time, staying is fine as long as the causes for offending are clear and there is a path for rehabilitation.
I would very strongly recommend you contact for example StopSo or Acts Fast to receive support.
I am so sorry you have been hurt so deeply. But at the same time, the decision to leave is always fully up to the individual.
The reasons for offending are complex. Whatever is the reason for someones offending is not the same as other (ex) partners on here.
The knock is extremely painful no matter the situation. We should try to alleviate each other's pain where we can and not add to it. Words can cause distress to many.
The people who offend are sons, fathers, brothers, grandfathers, uncles... They are loved by people regardless of their crime. Leaving the offenders with no support will increase re-offending. Making them monsters will make re-offending more likely. Nobody needs to stay but at the same time, staying is fine as long as the causes for offending are clear and there is a path for rehabilitation.
I would very strongly recommend you contact for example StopSo or Acts Fast to receive support.
I'll say it yet again - I (personally) feel anger is a crumbling, destructive and an emotion that's no good for our mental wellbeing as we struggle through this nasty journey...... my anger reappears occasionally but I do my best to blast it out my mind.
Society expects us to cast aside our person as we shouldn't be associated with them after what they have done. As a group we are dealing with others expectations on a daily basis so we come on this site to get support from each other dealing with the same trauma. We all make decisions on what we feel is right and not what others want
It saddens me that once again Lost Everything posts such negative comments. I have reported her post as I find it very offensive.
It saddens me that once again Lost Everything posts such negative comments. I have reported her post as I find it very offensive.
Lost everything Since when has it been a crime to be too kind. I'm sorry you feel as you do but quite a lot of us although hate what they have done know there is usually some reason why all this started and with help they can change. I for one am glad that people can be kind otherwise I don't think I would still have my son. I don't mean this is a patronising way LE but have you had any help to deal with this x
People are having to make the most difficult decisions they will ever have to make in their lifetime, no one's situation is black and white, there are so many variables.
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I'll say it again (no doubt)......
A huge part of this crime stems from an addiction. An addict sadly does not think of any consequences of their action, either to themselves or people around them.
Be it gambling, drugs, porn, alcohol, food, smoking the list goes on....... if left untreated it 'can'pull you into deeper areas or you seek help. Sadly the knock is usually the breaking point for us and thats why we join together on this forum.
(personally) I feel all addicts, of any kind, deserve help and support and not just labelled and shunned.
A huge part of this crime stems from an addiction. An addict sadly does not think of any consequences of their action, either to themselves or people around them.
Be it gambling, drugs, porn, alcohol, food, smoking the list goes on....... if left untreated it 'can'pull you into deeper areas or you seek help. Sadly the knock is usually the breaking point for us and thats why we join together on this forum.
(personally) I feel all addicts, of any kind, deserve help and support and not just labelled and shunned.
A couple of these comments have really given me the wobbles! I am only about 3 months into this journey and have no idea what to do at the moment. We still live in the same house, but different bedrooms. To the outside world, we are still very much a couple. I love my OH but not sure if that's enough, but understand that he has an addiction which he is getting help with. Now I'm questioning myself, am I weak? Am I too kind? I have no idea what to think.....
Lonely and bewildered
You must never think that you're weak. In fact quite the opposite. Everybody deals with things differently and what one person can deal with or wants to live with is different. I'm early days like you and I am far from weak.
And is there a thing as being too kind? I would rather be kind than not and I mean that in all aspects of life x
You must never think that you're weak. In fact quite the opposite. Everybody deals with things differently and what one person can deal with or wants to live with is different. I'm early days like you and I am far from weak.
And is there a thing as being too kind? I would rather be kind than not and I mean that in all aspects of life x
Lost and Bewildered
You are not weak at all and I am sorry that some on here have made you feel that way. Everyone is entitled to make their own choices and not be bullied into making choices others want them to make.
You are not weak at all and I am sorry that some on here have made you feel that way. Everyone is entitled to make their own choices and not be bullied into making choices others want them to make.
With Losteverything's comment, I think it depends right? Like everyone's situation is different and the reasons for offending will be different too, but I'm about to seperate from my partner because it's been implied to me that this wasn't a "one time in a phase of his life that was bad" (over years), and there certainly wasn't consideration for me or our daughter (for example he was doing this whilst I was up all night for months as daughter at the time was a reflux baby), nor still seems to understand the implications of commiting such a crime (possession of indecent images). The man I thought I knew for nearly 8 years I currently feel was masking, and although he has been more attentive to our daughter over the last month, I can't trust it because he's never been like this before.
For example, his current view of the crime is he's comparing this to a physical offence, and that's not the mindset he should be having, especially one month post-knock tomorrow. If the offending loved one is genuinely remorseful, and is putting in the leg work to change, it's a personal choice as to whether you can continue your relationship with that person. For me I can't handle my daughter needing to deal with the consequences of his selfish actions.
We can only talk via our own personal experiences. Losteverything's comment is pretty much the same as my mum's when I've discussed it with her. In general society, sex offences are probably the most taboo out there, so whilst we do need constructive dialogue, we need to understand where people are coming from when differing views come up.
For example, his current view of the crime is he's comparing this to a physical offence, and that's not the mindset he should be having, especially one month post-knock tomorrow. If the offending loved one is genuinely remorseful, and is putting in the leg work to change, it's a personal choice as to whether you can continue your relationship with that person. For me I can't handle my daughter needing to deal with the consequences of his selfish actions.
We can only talk via our own personal experiences. Losteverything's comment is pretty much the same as my mum's when I've discussed it with her. In general society, sex offences are probably the most taboo out there, so whilst we do need constructive dialogue, we need to understand where people are coming from when differing views come up.
All the way through this journey I have always took on board with respect other people's opinions on what my son has done,those that know the REAL truth - not the media rubbish. This has never faltered for one second. And I really think most of us on here have learnt to do just that, it's not a thing you can hide away from...
You carnt get away from the innocent child victims which your person has viewed - it haunts you. I'm not going to carry on with a 'but'.......... which could be took as an excuse.
I support everyone on this forum whatever they decide to do. I appreciate how hard and the struggle each one of us has while going through this....
warm hug sent to all on this chilly Monday morning x
You carnt get away from the innocent child victims which your person has viewed - it haunts you. I'm not going to carry on with a 'but'.......... which could be took as an excuse.
I support everyone on this forum whatever they decide to do. I appreciate how hard and the struggle each one of us has while going through this....
warm hug sent to all on this chilly Monday morning x
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Once again people on this forum are being judged by those who should know better.
Last time this happened I vowed to not post here again. I'm doing so now just to say that The World According to the Knock forum is a friendly place. Hope to see many of you there xx
Last time this happened I vowed to not post here again. I'm doing so now just to say that The World According to the Knock forum is a friendly place. Hope to see many of you there xx
I have reported losteverything's comment when I first saw it a few days ago. I'm sad to see that the moderators haven't deleted or edited it.
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Jen Jo
I also reported the post but not had a reply.
I agree a post like Lost Everything's would not have got past the Moderators on the other site.
I also reported the post but not had a reply.
I agree a post like Lost Everything's would not have got past the Moderators on the other site.
This argument often raises its ugly head and it's always the same subject. Staying or leaving......
think we best let it lie for now and move on xxxx
think we best let it lie for now and move on xxxx
Dear Forum Users
We wanted to acknowledge the fact that some of the replies on this thread have upset or offended some users and they have reported this to us. We are very sorry to see this as this is something we try and prevent on this forum. Our reporting system is anonymous, which means that we are not able to identify anyone who has reported a post and are therefore unable to reply to users individually. If you do have concerns about a post, then we would encourage you to contact us directly via email at forum@lucyfaithfull.org.uk. We take all reports seriously, and where they concern an individual/s, we deal with them privately, away from the forum.
As you know, we welcome a respectful exchange of opinions on this platform, including different perspectives and experiences, regardless of whether an individual is supporting or leaving the person in their life who may have offended. Every emotion is valid; we know there are a lot of different ones, and they all should be respected. With that in mind, please think carefully about how you choose to express your opinion because what might feel acceptable or appropriate to you, could be highly offensive to others.
If anyone would to discuss anything with us directly, please email us at forum@lucyfaithfull.org.uk
Kind Regards
The Forum Team
We wanted to acknowledge the fact that some of the replies on this thread have upset or offended some users and they have reported this to us. We are very sorry to see this as this is something we try and prevent on this forum. Our reporting system is anonymous, which means that we are not able to identify anyone who has reported a post and are therefore unable to reply to users individually. If you do have concerns about a post, then we would encourage you to contact us directly via email at forum@lucyfaithfull.org.uk. We take all reports seriously, and where they concern an individual/s, we deal with them privately, away from the forum.
As you know, we welcome a respectful exchange of opinions on this platform, including different perspectives and experiences, regardless of whether an individual is supporting or leaving the person in their life who may have offended. Every emotion is valid; we know there are a lot of different ones, and they all should be respected. With that in mind, please think carefully about how you choose to express your opinion because what might feel acceptable or appropriate to you, could be highly offensive to others.
If anyone would to discuss anything with us directly, please email us at forum@lucyfaithfull.org.uk
Kind Regards
The Forum Team
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