Conflicted Feelings
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Hi. I have been reading lots of posts on this forum but haven't really contributed. There's are lots of posts about whether you stay in a relationship or go and I am at that stage, I am so conflicted. My OH is still suffering badly with mental health problems and is a suicide risk, therefore I am having to be really careful about what I say to him, mainly because I would never forgive myself if I said something and then he hurt himself. It's been three months since it all came out and he's not facing up to it at all, he is having counselling and is on antidepressants but that's it. He won't tell me everything he's done as he says I know the worst and that's enough, he says he doesn't know how to tell me. I've tried to tell him to be more proactive in his recovery, do courses, get a better solicitor but he doesn't want to know.
Currently I can't see a future for us as I cannot forgive what he has done and I don't want to even see him. I know it is an addiction and I feel that I should be supporting him but if he can't face up to it himself or be honest with me then I can't help him. There are lots of posts on staying and that's why I feel so conflicted, if I take him back, he will ruin my life all over again, I will lose friends (who have been amazing through this) and my family will be constantly worried about me. Our marriage was good, even if he was a distant dad, but I now see that we were not good at communicating and that has not changed, I am still not telling him my true feelings in fear of him hurting himself and he won't be honest with me. I don't know what to tell my children as they've not seen him in three months.
This past week has been so hard, 2023 started out with good prospects but ended up being the year from hell. 2024 is not looking much better.
Currently I can't see a future for us as I cannot forgive what he has done and I don't want to even see him. I know it is an addiction and I feel that I should be supporting him but if he can't face up to it himself or be honest with me then I can't help him. There are lots of posts on staying and that's why I feel so conflicted, if I take him back, he will ruin my life all over again, I will lose friends (who have been amazing through this) and my family will be constantly worried about me. Our marriage was good, even if he was a distant dad, but I now see that we were not good at communicating and that has not changed, I am still not telling him my true feelings in fear of him hurting himself and he won't be honest with me. I don't know what to tell my children as they've not seen him in three months.
This past week has been so hard, 2023 started out with good prospects but ended up being the year from hell. 2024 is not looking much better.
Hi
I'm in a similar position. We've been together for more than 30 years, since we were teenagers. We've had a really good life together and I thought a very strong relationship. I love him. What he has done feels so toxic and it feels like it has sullied our home and our relationship. I know that in my heart of hearts I want to leave him. Our lives are so intertwined that I'm overwhelmed as to how to even separate. The idea of ending our relationship is heart breaking too.
Our little family is all he has and he was suicidal but better since he thought I wouldn't leave. Its feels like a huge burden to carry... I feel like all our mental health is largely on my shoulders. Because we share a child, he can't live with us so I'm hiding behind those bail conditions to be honest. I'm seeing this as a process and I'm hoping for us both to be more independent as time goes on. I'm hoping that the court case doesn't happen before we're ready.
I suppose I'm saying that you are not alone. The knock and finding out what they've done is such a sudden horrible shock where our lives suddenly change direction. It'll take time to sort through our feelings.
Please take care of your mental health too
I'm in a similar position. We've been together for more than 30 years, since we were teenagers. We've had a really good life together and I thought a very strong relationship. I love him. What he has done feels so toxic and it feels like it has sullied our home and our relationship. I know that in my heart of hearts I want to leave him. Our lives are so intertwined that I'm overwhelmed as to how to even separate. The idea of ending our relationship is heart breaking too.
Our little family is all he has and he was suicidal but better since he thought I wouldn't leave. Its feels like a huge burden to carry... I feel like all our mental health is largely on my shoulders. Because we share a child, he can't live with us so I'm hiding behind those bail conditions to be honest. I'm seeing this as a process and I'm hoping for us both to be more independent as time goes on. I'm hoping that the court case doesn't happen before we're ready.
I suppose I'm saying that you are not alone. The knock and finding out what they've done is such a sudden horrible shock where our lives suddenly change direction. It'll take time to sort through our feelings.
Please take care of your mental health too
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Hello, I am in the same boat, although I'm now 99.999% certain we're done once and for all.
We're almost a month in, and he still hasn't arranged a solicitor, and won't look at any courses until he gets solicitor advice, he's owned up to enough for me (possession of indecent images) to never allow me to trust him the same again, and we have a toddler together who I'm single parenting. He isn't showing me how serious his feeling on the allegation is, the only thing he's done so far is go to the GP, and get a repeat prescription for various mood pills. In any other circumstance, I'm the house admin person of the house so I know he's expecting me to do it, but this is his battle to fight.
We're almost a month in, and he still hasn't arranged a solicitor, and won't look at any courses until he gets solicitor advice, he's owned up to enough for me (possession of indecent images) to never allow me to trust him the same again, and we have a toddler together who I'm single parenting. He isn't showing me how serious his feeling on the allegation is, the only thing he's done so far is go to the GP, and get a repeat prescription for various mood pills. In any other circumstance, I'm the house admin person of the house so I know he's expecting me to do it, but this is his battle to fight.
Thank you for all the replies. I feel that he has only told me what he thinks I need to hear or what the police would have told me anyway. I keep telling him that I will never be able to trust him if he isn't honest with me. I think I've come to the conclusion that he never will be honest, he lied about things for so long, he doesn't know how to tell the truth. I feel that he has manipulated me in the past and told me enough to make me feel sorry for him about his problems.
I just don't know where to go with him though. If I tell him our marriage is over, I know he will fall back into the pit of despair and try to harm himself.
I just don't know where to go with him though. If I tell him our marriage is over, I know he will fall back into the pit of despair and try to harm himself.
Hi,
For me the Trust part is the most important part of any relationship.
I was lucky as the arresting officer advised my OH that he be 100% honest with me and tell me everything, which he did. Albeit over a couple of days.
Difficult to listen to but absolutely necessary.
I decided to stay and our relationship is so much stronger than before. I do suppose that this will be different for other relationships and very much be dependant on charges made.
You do what's good for you.
X
For me the Trust part is the most important part of any relationship.
I was lucky as the arresting officer advised my OH that he be 100% honest with me and tell me everything, which he did. Albeit over a couple of days.
Difficult to listen to but absolutely necessary.
I decided to stay and our relationship is so much stronger than before. I do suppose that this will be different for other relationships and very much be dependant on charges made.
You do what's good for you.
X