How to tell anyone
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11 months on from knock, I haven't told anyone what had happened.
The truth is I don't want to share this with anyone at all, I think about it, I read about it, I write about it daily, last thing I want to do it find myself talking about it but I have to. We are heading to CPC, I need to build up the support system of people who 'knows'. In order to provide these names to social services, to express in an emergency, the people I shared the truth with can take my place as adequate supervisors. (Awfully presumsious of me to assume support but I hope they will support.)
Starting with my mother, and I don't know where to start. I try to begin this conversation in my head and I fail. Do I start with the knock, do I dump 11months of knowledge, experience and hardship all at once on her shoulders? I am well past the shock, and she will be absolutely shocked, and I'm finding it really hard to even comprehend how one tells another.
How did you?
The truth is I don't want to share this with anyone at all, I think about it, I read about it, I write about it daily, last thing I want to do it find myself talking about it but I have to. We are heading to CPC, I need to build up the support system of people who 'knows'. In order to provide these names to social services, to express in an emergency, the people I shared the truth with can take my place as adequate supervisors. (Awfully presumsious of me to assume support but I hope they will support.)
Starting with my mother, and I don't know where to start. I try to begin this conversation in my head and I fail. Do I start with the knock, do I dump 11months of knowledge, experience and hardship all at once on her shoulders? I am well past the shock, and she will be absolutely shocked, and I'm finding it really hard to even comprehend how one tells another.
How did you?
Hi Flower x
This is indeed another hard part of this journey
To share with your mum will be a huge step and she probably does realise there is something wrong but certainly not this journey
Could you perhaps get some time together just the two of you? Either at hers your your place, not really out in a public place just because it will be an emotional conversation, no matter how many times you rehearse what you want to say the hardest part is actually saying it but as in the way you have got this far you gain your inner strength, deep breath and you dont have to go right from the beginning just how difficult it has been not been able to say something sooner, but you have wanted to so many times before but you now feel able just to say what feels right , dont overthink lovely it will be ok, then you can decide if you want to go in to full details etc
Not much advise but if I were your mum I would want to know and be there just to support you and to give you a well needed hug, xx
This is indeed another hard part of this journey
To share with your mum will be a huge step and she probably does realise there is something wrong but certainly not this journey
Could you perhaps get some time together just the two of you? Either at hers your your place, not really out in a public place just because it will be an emotional conversation, no matter how many times you rehearse what you want to say the hardest part is actually saying it but as in the way you have got this far you gain your inner strength, deep breath and you dont have to go right from the beginning just how difficult it has been not been able to say something sooner, but you have wanted to so many times before but you now feel able just to say what feels right , dont overthink lovely it will be ok, then you can decide if you want to go in to full details etc
Not much advise but if I were your mum I would want to know and be there just to support you and to give you a well needed hug, xx
Disclosing is horrible, but you will feel loads better once you have. You're right to anticipate that they will be very behind you in processing the shock, and this can be quite difficult.
I would suggest trying to make it a place where your mum feels comfortable and work on from there.
Good luck and you're always welcome to message me xx
I would suggest trying to make it a place where your mum feels comfortable and work on from there.
Good luck and you're always welcome to message me xx
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My mum turned up during the police search by coincidence as she was due to babysit that day, so that was a fairly easy disclosure I suppose, in the car outside the house!
My in laws I had to ring, as oh couldn't speak. Very difficult.
Things I noticed:
1) initial reaction was denial (he can't have done this) etc. It took a few weeks to move past this
2) my family then got angry for a while and rejected him
3) his family were worried I'd leave him and this was awkward for a few weeks
4) after 2ish weeks everyone had adjusted enough to the shock to be able to discuss things sensibly
Definitely don't tell her in public, and I'd say due to time passed I'd go for in person
I think you also need to scrutinise exactly why it's going to conference, what's the purpose of this, why do they think risks are escalating? Don't be afraid to stand up for yourself but ensure it's backed up with clear evidence
My in laws I had to ring, as oh couldn't speak. Very difficult.
Things I noticed:
1) initial reaction was denial (he can't have done this) etc. It took a few weeks to move past this
2) my family then got angry for a while and rejected him
3) his family were worried I'd leave him and this was awkward for a few weeks
4) after 2ish weeks everyone had adjusted enough to the shock to be able to discuss things sensibly
Definitely don't tell her in public, and I'd say due to time passed I'd go for in person
I think you also need to scrutinise exactly why it's going to conference, what's the purpose of this, why do they think risks are escalating? Don't be afraid to stand up for yourself but ensure it's backed up with clear evidence
Disclosing is nerve wracking and I think different approaches work for different people. My therapist suggested that I say what he has and hasn't done and to express some of how it has impacted me, but to not go into detail. Generally the approach that has worked well for me is that other than being horrified, disgusted and hurt, I don't know how I feel long term about the relationship, but that I need to do what I feel is right for me now and I'd like support to be able to do that.
There is also some information on disclosure on the LFF website, I can't remember if it is just for offenders disclosing or others disclosing, either way, I found it useful.
I found doing it in a suitable neutral place helpful, I wanted people to be free to take the space they needed.
There is also some information on disclosure on the LFF website, I can't remember if it is just for offenders disclosing or others disclosing, either way, I found it useful.
I found doing it in a suitable neutral place helpful, I wanted people to be free to take the space they needed.
My husband called my Dad that morning, unfortunatly my Dad had left his phone at work so he had to go to his house and get him. He knew something was wrong when they both walked in and I had my head down the toliet. We told my family that morning as my son is very close to them. I had very differcult conversations with my other children as it that point I didn't know the full extent of the arrest and my years in safeguarding lead me down a very dark path, that I had to eliminate to protect everyone in the house. This actually helped me out with SS when I explained the next day over the phone my process and rationelle behind everything to them, they signed us of there and then. inlaws still don't know and never will.
I told a friend on a walk as she was talking to me about something a few days after the knock and I just burst into tears, I then told more friends and infact all my friends know now, They were amazingly supportive and went home to chat with there kids as they said they could see it happening so easierly.
I told a friend on a walk as she was talking to me about something a few days after the knock and I just burst into tears, I then told more friends and infact all my friends know now, They were amazingly supportive and went home to chat with there kids as they said they could see it happening so easierly.
Hello all wonderful ladies, thank you ever so much for your replies and taking the time to do so.
Emotional day, I have told my mum who told my dad (only because I had left by the time he came home). I've spoken to her in her space, and in person.
My mother was rather upset that I am going through hell and have been doing so in isolation past 11 months, and I'm pregnant under this stress, but she is glad that I had shared with her and told me I should have done so sooner.
My parents were so incredibly supportive, they had asked that if the offence was internet based only, and I said yes and that's all they wanted to know.
It's news to them and I do feel guilty, It's me delivering 'the knock' to them, in their advanced age, but they were really quick to declare without hesitation that we are family and families stick together and support one another.
I'm really overwhelmed, and have a couple of significant events coming up next. CP conference and second interview namely, and now focusing on those. We waited so long, and now it seems everything is happening all at once.
Flower x
Emotional day, I have told my mum who told my dad (only because I had left by the time he came home). I've spoken to her in her space, and in person.
My mother was rather upset that I am going through hell and have been doing so in isolation past 11 months, and I'm pregnant under this stress, but she is glad that I had shared with her and told me I should have done so sooner.
My parents were so incredibly supportive, they had asked that if the offence was internet based only, and I said yes and that's all they wanted to know.
It's news to them and I do feel guilty, It's me delivering 'the knock' to them, in their advanced age, but they were really quick to declare without hesitation that we are family and families stick together and support one another.
I'm really overwhelmed, and have a couple of significant events coming up next. CP conference and second interview namely, and now focusing on those. We waited so long, and now it seems everything is happening all at once.
Flower x
I am so glad you have the support of family my family member has our support and support for us from others ir makes such a difference the people that matter the most to my family haven't run away they have supported us and that means the world but everyone's journey is different and I get that, but now you have support which means the utter most so you can have your nearest and dearest to confide in xxx
Flower x
I am so pleased for you and how incredibly strong to have done this, I hope it has lifted a bit of weight of your shoulders and all the worry about telling your mum x
Your parents will always be beside you holding your hands and telling you how much they love you, having support will give you everything you need xx
Well done lovely xx
I am so pleased for you and how incredibly strong to have done this, I hope it has lifted a bit of weight of your shoulders and all the worry about telling your mum x
Your parents will always be beside you holding your hands and telling you how much they love you, having support will give you everything you need xx
Well done lovely xx
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