Family and Friends Forum

I can empathise with the fear of the unknown and in all honesty I did find my first visit to my husband emotionally very hard however this has become less so as the routine becomes more familiar. I've met and had conversations with some really lovely people in the prison waiting room though obviously no one shares details of why their people are there. I found it strangely comforting to see so many people in exactly the same position as myself. I visit once per month and have some so for just short of a year. You rightly say a visit does give you the only opportunity to speak freely given the monitoring of all other communication and this in itself can be invaluable. My husband and I both look forward to visits and I know he ticks away the days to the next. The prison visiting room allows you to embrace on arrival and when you leave. At other times you will be seated across a low table and must remain seated unless you are collecting refreshments. The one thing I was fearful of was feeling unsafe. I have never felt unsafe. On my visit this week a family elder was bringing children to visit their father. They told me it had been 4 years since they had seen him. I doubt I will ever forget the excitement and joy on all of their faces when they were reunited x

Hi Sugar,

It's totally understandable that you'd feel so nervous. I think it's the fear of the unknown that really makes your mind wander. My husband has been in prison for 4 months and the very first visit I was a nervous wreck and had no idea what to expect as well. I'd also had a horrible experience during work experience working with a law firm and we went down to the cells at the court to see the client and I nearly passed out, so that memory kept playing in my mind.

I usually go with my mother-in-law so I think it definitely helps to have someone else there. I also was worried about what he would look like or if it would be a cold and scary looking room. I will say it wasn't as bad as I was thinking but it's also obviously not the best place to be. Somewhere in the middle for me.

When we go, we usually arrive about 45 minutes early as we live quite far away and are always so terrified of getting stuck in traffic. We then sign in, leave anything in a locker if we want and at his prison you get a sheet of paper to fill out if you want any snacks during the visit (it's mainly soft drinks, hot drinks, sweets and crisps and such). At his prison they only take cash so we take our cash, the filled out form and our IDs with us and line up when it's time.

The first section is where our IDs are checked and we hand in the snack order form. Then the next section is a body scan like at the airport that you walk through. Then the officer (it's always been female) asks if we mind her giving us search (it is a quick pat down like at the airport as well). Then we are waiting again to be let through to the visiting room.

The best way I could describe it is that, for me it reminds me of like a school cafeteria. So there's little sections. His seat and then three seats in front of his with a small table in between. They are soft seats so not too bad. We head over and can give him a hug and a kiss and then we sit down and the visit begins. He looks like himself. I don't know what I was expecting but he looks like himself just with longer hair and he's lost a little weight but even his sister came on a visit and she said she was surprised he just looked and acted like himself. She didn't know what to expect either.

The visit hall itself is nothing fancy of course but there's some paintings, some games and toys for kids. There are usually other people in their seated sections on either side but it's not close and we can't hear what they are saying and there is the general noise of everyone chatting. They also shout the table numbers for us to go up and collect our snacks.

The time flies by! It's insane how fast it feels like the time is going. The officers are usually just sitting having a chat amongst themselves and keeping a general eye on things and the time, but they cannot hear our conversation and they are not listening to it. They will sometimes get some snacks themselves. Even if you get emotional or cry, everyone is just so focused on their own visit and I'm sure everyone is understanding as they are in the same boat.

Then they announce when it's time to start saying goodbye. Once again we give him a hug and a kiss and they line up and go out first. Then we go back the same way we came in but there's no searches or scans on the way out at his prison. Then we collect our stuff from the locker and we're on our way. Even though I've been going twice a month for the past 4 months, I do always feel a little anxious but it all melts away as soon as we see him and talk to him and I always feel so much better.

I've had very little interaction with the officers other than when they check the ID and do the search but they have always been polite and professional.

I have also had the video visits and an officer has not been in the video room with him. They close the door and he's in the room alone. Not sure if this is the same at all prisons.

That's been my experience so far and I hope it helps you gain a better picture of what it might be like and what to expect. I'm not sure if this is the same at all prisons but that's what it's like at the one my husband is at.

I would suggest maybe doing something nice for yourself after the visit if you go. I can never eat beforehand so my mother-in-law and I usually get a meal afterwards. My husband jokes we just come to see him so we can go to a restaurant aftewards. Maybe doing some self care or treating yourself to something you enjoy and that relaxes you. Don't know if it will help but for me it helps a lot as it breaks up the day and helps me feel more positive about the whole day.

Feel free to ask any questions and I'll answer what I can. Sending you a big hug and hope it goes well if you do decide go Xoxo

Prison visits are daunting. I remember being terrified. All prison visitor centres are run by charities, you can find out which one on the Gov website - It may be helpful to reach out to them so you can be reassured and ask the questions you might have. I had lots of little things, like would he be cuffed (he wasn't), would he be in the room already when I was there, would he or I leave first, can we get anything to eat or drink etc. Whilst the thought of prison is very intimidating, it's not like the films. Whilst there are limits on how much physical contact you can have (generally a hug at the beginning and end) and it's not exactly private, I've never felt the need to make sure I'm talking quietly to no be over heard and never felt guards were circling trying to listen. Honestly, once I'm there and settled I almost forget where I am.

I'd say the same is similar for video calls.

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Sugar x

I cannot add anything more to what these lovely ladies have already mentioned

The video calls work really well also xx

It breaks my heart to think I haven't visited my son in prison (it's now three years). He's never questioned it and I think we're just relieved to be where we are and the link we have is treasured under the circumstances.

The last time I saw him was when he was marched out our home by the police and I will never ever forget the look of terror in his eyes. As a mum I wanted to take the pain away but the whole thing was out of my control, I think that will haunt me forever.

i am scared, if i visited him, I'd see that look in his blue eyes again and i just couldn't bear it.

I know one day my dreams will come true and l'll be able to embarrass him once again with a huge mummy hug. It WILL happen x

let us know how you get on Sugar x

I feel so much stronger as a person generally but this visiting fear won't go away. My son did say he felt a visit would unsettle him too especially saying 'goodbye' and not leaving with us.

Video calls - me and technology don't go together I'm afraid! I'd be terrified of it going wrong last minute causing another stress!

I just feel grateful we managed to scape our way though this and keep a relationship going to be honest and I think he feels the same!