Will he be able to return home?
Notifications OFF
My husband was caught chatting to a woman online about her kid, he tells me it was the only thing getting her attention and that he's never done it before and absolutely not interested in it. He had a fake profile and seems his chatting to other women was giving him some sort of buzz. We intend to work through it for now. My biggest issue is we have a 15month old and I've just returned to work, I'm a head of department in a very busy role. Being a single parent was never in my plan, my husband was to be our child's main carer once I returned to work. Obviously this has completely fkd things up. Social services are putting a plan in place for him to be able to have supervised contact but they're taking forever (been a month since the knock). My question is will he ever be able to return home whilst on bail? I'm really really struggling being a solo parent and the main earner as well as being completely broken from all of this. We don't have family near for support and this also means he is living 2 hours away with his mum. I trust my husband and I know he's trying to get help for his attention/sex addiction issues. I understand the risks but I desperately need him home to help with our child. Is there any light at the end of the tunnel?
Hi LostLife,
Your question is often discussed on here and some of us have managed to get their person home, a few haven't had to have them leave at all but many of us hit a brick wall. For us, our person is our adult son who now lives with us, but due to problems at his ex-wife's end we are often asked to have our grandchildren, sometimes as an emergency. This has incurred a huge cost to our son in hotels and indirectly to us. We have a good relationship with children's services but they won't budge on allowing him to stay at home even when we are co-operating with them to help in a tricky situation, and of course we will never say that because of this financial cost we can't have our grandchildren to stay in an emergency. It all seems very unfair at times as we have put together a stringent protective plan to include overnight safety but it seems that whilst our son's offences are unkown SS won't budge.
I think that all anyone can do is to prepare as much of a safety plan as possible (if you message me I'm happy to send you ours and there will be lots of info on this forum if you do a search.)
I'm afraid that your question has so many different situations and outcomes like many of the things we face on our journeys often depending on where you live, a bit like sentencing or how long an investigation takes. There doesn't seem to be one standard for the whole country. But it's always worth trying as some of us get a good outcome. Hopefully we will in time. Fingers crossed anyway!
Your question is often discussed on here and some of us have managed to get their person home, a few haven't had to have them leave at all but many of us hit a brick wall. For us, our person is our adult son who now lives with us, but due to problems at his ex-wife's end we are often asked to have our grandchildren, sometimes as an emergency. This has incurred a huge cost to our son in hotels and indirectly to us. We have a good relationship with children's services but they won't budge on allowing him to stay at home even when we are co-operating with them to help in a tricky situation, and of course we will never say that because of this financial cost we can't have our grandchildren to stay in an emergency. It all seems very unfair at times as we have put together a stringent protective plan to include overnight safety but it seems that whilst our son's offences are unkown SS won't budge.
I think that all anyone can do is to prepare as much of a safety plan as possible (if you message me I'm happy to send you ours and there will be lots of info on this forum if you do a search.)
I'm afraid that your question has so many different situations and outcomes like many of the things we face on our journeys often depending on where you live, a bit like sentencing or how long an investigation takes. There doesn't seem to be one standard for the whole country. But it's always worth trying as some of us get a good outcome. Hopefully we will in time. Fingers crossed anyway!
@LostLife23
When was your husband arrested?
I want to be 100 % honest with you. It usually takes years for social services to allow unsupervised contact again.
Especially with children as young as yours they are more concerned, because they regard them as more vulnerable.
I have children around the same age as yours and my husband is allowed to be at our house, but he can't be alone with the kids. I have to supervise at all times. At night, I have to sleep in one room with the children.
Can you send your child to nursery during the day?
As far as I remember there are some people who achieved unsupervised contact on this forum after sentencing. I think the way they did it was to pay for an independent risk assessment. When that came back as low risk, they took it to a family court and the judge ruled in favour of unsupervised contact.
Hopefully someone with more knowledge on this issue will be along soon to help you.
All the best xx
When was your husband arrested?
I want to be 100 % honest with you. It usually takes years for social services to allow unsupervised contact again.
Especially with children as young as yours they are more concerned, because they regard them as more vulnerable.
I have children around the same age as yours and my husband is allowed to be at our house, but he can't be alone with the kids. I have to supervise at all times. At night, I have to sleep in one room with the children.
Can you send your child to nursery during the day?
As far as I remember there are some people who achieved unsupervised contact on this forum after sentencing. I think the way they did it was to pay for an independent risk assessment. When that came back as low risk, they took it to a family court and the judge ruled in favour of unsupervised contact.
Hopefully someone with more knowledge on this issue will be along soon to help you.
All the best xx
I have husband home now 6 months post knock but we have a safety plan in place to ensure he is always supervised.
We are on a CIN plan and I think SS are about to close our case as they are happy with the supervised contact. Meeting at 11am this AM!
I have asked them the question about what is the process to get to unsupervised but don't have an answer yet.
My OH was looking at images and his devices are being searched so I don't think they will change anything until they have been searched or he has been charged or it has gone to court which could be any time between 6 months and 2 years from what I have read on here and maybe longer now he is RUI rather than bail.
I have also heard lots of talk on here about LOs needing to be 7 and mine is 4 now so we may also have to wait until then.
Sadly this is a very long process and I know this is a serious crime but I do think there must be a better way than this for us women and something more proportionate to the offence.....it is now a very boring life for me.
We are on a CIN plan and I think SS are about to close our case as they are happy with the supervised contact. Meeting at 11am this AM!
I have asked them the question about what is the process to get to unsupervised but don't have an answer yet.
My OH was looking at images and his devices are being searched so I don't think they will change anything until they have been searched or he has been charged or it has gone to court which could be any time between 6 months and 2 years from what I have read on here and maybe longer now he is RUI rather than bail.
I have also heard lots of talk on here about LOs needing to be 7 and mine is 4 now so we may also have to wait until then.
Sadly this is a very long process and I know this is a serious crime but I do think there must be a better way than this for us women and something more proportionate to the offence.....it is now a very boring life for me.
My husband is now back at home and allowed unsupervised at times I allow. He wasn't allowed to live with us and was Only allowed supervised contact with our children. I have two under 5. 3 months after sentencing we did a phased return home and then 6 months after sentencing we had case closed and unsupervised put on. It is possible to do but it's alot of hard work. We didn't do any private assessments, our children were on cin plans for two years and I did alot of work with ss and my husband did everything he could to show he was working hard to make his wrongs right. How long as it been since the knock?
Just to add nobody ever mentioned the over 7 years old part to us and I don't have to sleep in the children's bedrooms
Just to add nobody ever mentioned the over 7 years old part to us and I don't have to sleep in the children's bedrooms
Rainyday52 - thanks so much for your insight, there is so much unknown to this entire process.
Hpl111 the knock was a month ago, I realise it seems very hasty for me to be asking this when all I see are posts saying things like “it’s been 2 years and no update” but I just feel the need to ask. Maybe a glimmer of hope to get me through the very long and dark months, years, to come.
Scaredmumof3 - thank you for your reply. I am in awe of you, a mother of three children! Here I am with just one and I cannot cope. You’re a true hero. 6 months and devices are still being searched ???? why does it take so long!!!??
I agree entirely about being proportionate to the offence. Is it just me or is this bail / waiting period almost worst than a prison sentence itself?
Scaredandconfused - I can’t thank you enough for your post. It really gives me hope for the future. I’m only a month into this since the knock, so a very very long way to go. The thought of not having him home for at least two years scares me so much. I just don’t think I can do another day, never mind two years.
Could I ask what your husband did and what his sentence was? Was he ever able to have supervised contact with his children whilst he was on bail?
Good to know re private assessments, the 7 years of age thing and the sleeping in the same room :)
Hpl111 the knock was a month ago, I realise it seems very hasty for me to be asking this when all I see are posts saying things like “it’s been 2 years and no update” but I just feel the need to ask. Maybe a glimmer of hope to get me through the very long and dark months, years, to come.
Scaredmumof3 - thank you for your reply. I am in awe of you, a mother of three children! Here I am with just one and I cannot cope. You’re a true hero. 6 months and devices are still being searched ???? why does it take so long!!!??
I agree entirely about being proportionate to the offence. Is it just me or is this bail / waiting period almost worst than a prison sentence itself?
Scaredandconfused - I can’t thank you enough for your post. It really gives me hope for the future. I’m only a month into this since the knock, so a very very long way to go. The thought of not having him home for at least two years scares me so much. I just don’t think I can do another day, never mind two years.
Could I ask what your husband did and what his sentence was? Was he ever able to have supervised contact with his children whilst he was on bail?
Good to know re private assessments, the 7 years of age thing and the sleeping in the same room :)
He was sentenced 15 month's suspended two years community service shpo and sor. Online offence no communication.
We're a year and a bit past sentencing already it does go quick. I can't actually remember the full extreme of how I felt through it all but I do try not to think about it because I don't actually know how I coped. My youngest was only 9 months old at the time it happened. My husband was allowed supervised contact with them from the day of Knock he came round every day he just wasn't allowed to stay at our address.
We're a year and a bit past sentencing already it does go quick. I can't actually remember the full extreme of how I felt through it all but I do try not to think about it because I don't actually know how I coped. My youngest was only 9 months old at the time it happened. My husband was allowed supervised contact with them from the day of Knock he came round every day he just wasn't allowed to stay at our address.
I def think this bail postion is part of the sentence BUT I think the sentence is on us more than them!
I saw my stop so therpist today, and will see her monthly as it helps me focus my thoughts. I am a bit resentful that I even need to spend time on that tonight.
My DS1 is now 18, living his best life, looking at unis and I am trying to support all of that on my own with a 4 yo in tow.... same with my DD who wants to go prom dress shopping this weekend. They both have a-levels / gcses this year and I would l love to take them on holiday in June post exams but this now means taking 4 yo out of school and I am def thinking life is too short and let them fine me!
I do have the advantage of live in babysitters so I am still getting to my book club and a few other evening things and I can see how the 4 yo is getting easier and more independent.
My OH thinks he has cracked his porn addicition now after 6 months of SAA and his own therapy but that is a worry in itself he is saying that!
Though the pressure if off with him being on RUI, I know that this means though we are saving money as he no longer has to rent a room else where it does mean the limbo is likely to go on even longer.
It took me a long time to come to terms with the length of this process - it is utter madness but there is nothing to do at all now other than wait..... at the same time i am scared about the court and sentencing processes so maybe I am happy to live in limbo to avoid that.
I feel I am brain dumping wittering but I also know how I was feeling in the summer, and just holding together one day at a time, one hour at a time but now it is easier, different but as least I am not crying at every interaction with a professional.
You do hear a lot of stories on here of the very bad, and the very long waits but there are lucky people who are in and out in a year.
Our whole lives have changed as a result of their actions and that is traumatic alone.
One day, one step and maybe eventually one day life will be better than it was as certainly living with an addict that you don't know is an addict was pretty s**t for me.
I saw my stop so therpist today, and will see her monthly as it helps me focus my thoughts. I am a bit resentful that I even need to spend time on that tonight.
My DS1 is now 18, living his best life, looking at unis and I am trying to support all of that on my own with a 4 yo in tow.... same with my DD who wants to go prom dress shopping this weekend. They both have a-levels / gcses this year and I would l love to take them on holiday in June post exams but this now means taking 4 yo out of school and I am def thinking life is too short and let them fine me!
I do have the advantage of live in babysitters so I am still getting to my book club and a few other evening things and I can see how the 4 yo is getting easier and more independent.
My OH thinks he has cracked his porn addicition now after 6 months of SAA and his own therapy but that is a worry in itself he is saying that!
Though the pressure if off with him being on RUI, I know that this means though we are saving money as he no longer has to rent a room else where it does mean the limbo is likely to go on even longer.
It took me a long time to come to terms with the length of this process - it is utter madness but there is nothing to do at all now other than wait..... at the same time i am scared about the court and sentencing processes so maybe I am happy to live in limbo to avoid that.
I feel I am brain dumping wittering but I also know how I was feeling in the summer, and just holding together one day at a time, one hour at a time but now it is easier, different but as least I am not crying at every interaction with a professional.
You do hear a lot of stories on here of the very bad, and the very long waits but there are lucky people who are in and out in a year.
Our whole lives have changed as a result of their actions and that is traumatic alone.
One day, one step and maybe eventually one day life will be better than it was as certainly living with an addict that you don't know is an addict was pretty s**t for me.
Scaredmumof3 witter away! I feel everything you have said. I can relate to so much of it.
You're right, the length of the process is taking me some time to get my head around. Let's hope we're not on this journey for too long.
Feel free to message me anytime you want to chat or rant. Sounds like we have similar situations x
You're right, the length of the process is taking me some time to get my head around. Let's hope we're not on this journey for too long.
Feel free to message me anytime you want to chat or rant. Sounds like we have similar situations x
Hi scared and confused,
Just wondered if you were ever on a child protection plan or always just child in need?
Thanks
Just wondered if you were ever on a child protection plan or always just child in need?
Thanks
Hi
We was on cin the whole two years x
We was on cin the whole two years x