how to stay
Notifications OFF
i dont know what to do. i love him but cannot help but see him as a monster. hes a pedophile, sorry if thats upsetting to read i dont really see people use that word here but i cant say it any other way i dont think. its so difficult. how do you do it.
The reason why most people don't use this term is that it is not accurate. It describes attraction to pre-pubescent children. This is not the case for the vast majority of offenders.
The LFF inform course will teach you the complex psychology behind this behaviour.
Also Stopso counselling may help you process this if you want to stay with him.
Leavers:stayers is about 50:50. It's a very personal decision. Only you know what's best
x
The LFF inform course will teach you the complex psychology behind this behaviour.
Also Stopso counselling may help you process this if you want to stay with him.
Leavers:stayers is about 50:50. It's a very personal decision. Only you know what's best
x
I'm sorry you're struggling, it must be so hard when you love someone but feel you cannot be with them. I didn't have to make that choice as my person is my son and nothing will stop me loving and supporting him.
I believe that someone diagnosed as having a sexual interest in pre pubescent children needs help not condemnation and I hope that I would accept them in the same way I would accept anyone else with a mental health disorder.
I honestly dont know if I could remain in a relationship with a partner who had this diagnosis, as I've never been in that situation. I think for me it would depend on whether they were actually willing to seek help and therapy.
I believe that someone diagnosed as having a sexual interest in pre pubescent children needs help not condemnation and I hope that I would accept them in the same way I would accept anyone else with a mental health disorder.
I honestly dont know if I could remain in a relationship with a partner who had this diagnosis, as I've never been in that situation. I think for me it would depend on whether they were actually willing to seek help and therapy.
Post deleted
Hi,
I don't think it's a question of love to be honest. I love many people who are no longer in my life because having them in my life in any capacity isn't good for me.
There are so many emotions and stages of this journey that are hard to navigate especially in the early stages.
I left at the knock but decided about six months ago that he adds much more to my life than he took away through his offending.
We are now three and a half years post knock and have both done courses to try to understand what happened and also to put things in place to ensure that he doesn't reoffend.
The p word is generally avoided on here as it's a scientific term that for the majority of offenders isn't accurate in that it is the term used to describe adults who solely have a sexual interest in prepubescent children. Edel posted some interesting research around the term previously. Society and the media have a tendency to use it incorrectly in these cases and that fuels people's fears about offenders.
Whether you stay or leave you'll be supported on here xxx
I don't think it's a question of love to be honest. I love many people who are no longer in my life because having them in my life in any capacity isn't good for me.
There are so many emotions and stages of this journey that are hard to navigate especially in the early stages.
I left at the knock but decided about six months ago that he adds much more to my life than he took away through his offending.
We are now three and a half years post knock and have both done courses to try to understand what happened and also to put things in place to ensure that he doesn't reoffend.
The p word is generally avoided on here as it's a scientific term that for the majority of offenders isn't accurate in that it is the term used to describe adults who solely have a sexual interest in prepubescent children. Edel posted some interesting research around the term previously. Society and the media have a tendency to use it incorrectly in these cases and that fuels people's fears about offenders.
Whether you stay or leave you'll be supported on here xxx
I think it's also a case of how much 1 persons addiction, mental health, actions from their own broken place & poor self care/ regulation can impact their family, spouse, children before it becomes unacceptable. Trust is a leap of faith but it comes with accountability and responsibility. Hurt people hurt people - unless the cycle is broken, addressed and worked on to heal, it will continue to manifest into the people around them and the next generation. That goes for the person and for their families I'd imagine, I certainly need to work on myself too after many realisations triggered by this experience so far. Why I saw an unstable person as safe, how I support him but also take care of myself, how avoid being in this situation in the future. I feel that none of us can fix our people & prevent future problems, if the person is not capable, ready or inclined to look in the mirror & do the work on themselves for themselves to be mentally well/ healthy, and not as a patch to fix a relationship, or as a requirement from the concequences of a crime. Support and enabling are two different things, one is helpful, the other probably isn't..
Big hug x
Big hug x
It's such a personal decision to make. Like others have echoed, a lot of it seems to depend on the foundations of your relationship prior to the knock. For me, this situation has brought up a lot of resentment I had for him, and the amount I put up with regarding distribution of parenting, house admin etc. Ultimately we split up a couple of days ago. It's not been easy and I still have love for him, but what he's being accused of, and the inaction he's taken since the knock has just been the straw that broke the camels back.
As someone whose had close family members in and out of the legal system my whole life, I personally don't want to deal with it anymore, nor do I want my child around this frankly mess he's gotten himself into. Maybe my love for him wasn't as strong as I thought, but I sacrificed A LOT compared to him for our family, and turns out rather than continue fighting, my feelings have just made me feel like enough is enough.
As someone whose had close family members in and out of the legal system my whole life, I personally don't want to deal with it anymore, nor do I want my child around this frankly mess he's gotten himself into. Maybe my love for him wasn't as strong as I thought, but I sacrificed A LOT compared to him for our family, and turns out rather than continue fighting, my feelings have just made me feel like enough is enough.