Writing it down
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Just a week post-knock, I am currently standing by and supporting my husband of 41 years. That’s mainly because of this website and forum and my growing understanding of this dreadful crime. I have never been a quitter and there is a lot of good in my man, no sympathy as he always had a choice and picked the wrong one, but there are other issues in his past that definitely have played a part. So I can’t change the past or very much about what happens now, but I can put my energy into keeping him from ending it all in the worst way possible. There’s lots we can practically do and we are finding it.
I have been through so many traumas this last week, each hour of every day has brought a different challenge or emotion. I am wondering now if I should have been keeping a written record (not that I have been in the right frame of mind or circumstance) so that I get it out of my system, keep it all straight when I have counselling, and also if it might be helpful to look back and reflect at some point in the future. Is anyone else doing that or has done so in the past?
I have been through so many traumas this last week, each hour of every day has brought a different challenge or emotion. I am wondering now if I should have been keeping a written record (not that I have been in the right frame of mind or circumstance) so that I get it out of my system, keep it all straight when I have counselling, and also if it might be helpful to look back and reflect at some point in the future. Is anyone else doing that or has done so in the past?
Hi Magrat
I've done this in the early days but I didn't keep it up, what I would say is if you do it may make you see how far you have come on a bit further down the road. Sometimes I think we have a tendency to think we haven't moved on but actually we may be picking ourselves up quicker or the highs might but laying longer.
Do whatever you want to do, there are no rules just try and make you feel a little better and also make sure you are taking care of yourself xx
I've done this in the early days but I didn't keep it up, what I would say is if you do it may make you see how far you have come on a bit further down the road. Sometimes I think we have a tendency to think we haven't moved on but actually we may be picking ourselves up quicker or the highs might but laying longer.
Do whatever you want to do, there are no rules just try and make you feel a little better and also make sure you are taking care of yourself xx
Thank you both. I think I will do so, I keep re-living certain things and feelings, and, oddly, I don’t want to forget them either. I may just keep notes for now.
If she were here, I might strangle Tammy Wynette! That wretched song of hers keeps playing in my head. Glad to hear I am not alone in deciding to stay and help him face up to what he has done. He has cried, shook, convulsed, stuffed great chunks of the duvet in his mouth to hold the screams in. All I could was hold him, tell him I love him, and let him get it out. I have talked him through relaxation exercise and he has found a ‘white space’ where he can just float, somwhat protected from his fears. We try to get out in the fresh air too.
i am fortunate to have support from family and a lifelong friend, and my manager at work is being understanding. I don’t expect the wider world to understand my decision and in fact I don’t care; any decision I have ever made has been carefully thought through, right for me at the time, and I know I have the right to change my mind too. Neither of us has broken our marriage vows to each other and I do not believe these 44 years of knowing him has been a lie.
If she were here, I might strangle Tammy Wynette! That wretched song of hers keeps playing in my head. Glad to hear I am not alone in deciding to stay and help him face up to what he has done. He has cried, shook, convulsed, stuffed great chunks of the duvet in his mouth to hold the screams in. All I could was hold him, tell him I love him, and let him get it out. I have talked him through relaxation exercise and he has found a ‘white space’ where he can just float, somwhat protected from his fears. We try to get out in the fresh air too.
i am fortunate to have support from family and a lifelong friend, and my manager at work is being understanding. I don’t expect the wider world to understand my decision and in fact I don’t care; any decision I have ever made has been carefully thought through, right for me at the time, and I know I have the right to change my mind too. Neither of us has broken our marriage vows to each other and I do not believe these 44 years of knowing him has been a lie.
Magrat, you sound like you are doing amazingly well in such a short time. You sound a very strong women, and have a clear direction you want to go in. I would say if you want to write a journal then do so. In this situation I don't think there are any rights or wrongs, it's just what gets you through. I can't say my head was in a place to write it all down in the early days, but stress has made me more forgetful so I do jot down stuff I need to ask my husband sometimes and sometimes now how I feel.
I too am staying with my husband, at some stage that may change and I am at a point now that I know I am strong enough if I feel I have to go it alone, but all the while he is addressing his porn addiction by doing the inform course and therapy etc then I am ok with supporting him. I still love my husband even though he has hurt me so much.
So on here there are many of us that stay with our husbands and we are not monsters for doing so. Just make sure you look after yourself. When our husbands are so distressed it's easy to put all our energy into making sure they are coping and forgetting about ourselves. You will get nothing but love and support from this forum, so keep coming back, it has been invaluable to me.
Sending a big hug xx
I too am staying with my husband, at some stage that may change and I am at a point now that I know I am strong enough if I feel I have to go it alone, but all the while he is addressing his porn addiction by doing the inform course and therapy etc then I am ok with supporting him. I still love my husband even though he has hurt me so much.
So on here there are many of us that stay with our husbands and we are not monsters for doing so. Just make sure you look after yourself. When our husbands are so distressed it's easy to put all our energy into making sure they are coping and forgetting about ourselves. You will get nothing but love and support from this forum, so keep coming back, it has been invaluable to me.
Sending a big hug xx
Thank you all. I recognise that my reaction to this situation, as it is in many areas of my life, is to do, rather than brood. I think I will find the strain of the wait for the investigation to conclude the most difficult.
My husband is doing everything he can to get well and try to understand his behaviour. He has antidepressants and an initial counselling assessment, as do I. I have been given sleeping tablets which were a blessing for two nights, but on the third day they left me muzzy and right now I need to think clearly. I’ve not been a good sleeper for many years so nothing new there. He is signing up for the Inform Plus course and we are working through the modules on this website. My husband wants to rush at it, showing his obsessive addictive nature, so I am slowing him down and asking him to think more deeply about his answers. I hold him, squeeze his hand, tell him I love him and say this situation does not define him, us, our family or our marriage. We have sought out a specialist lawyer too. We try to get out in the fresh air too, though this unseasonal weather is not helping.
Showing strength is an interesting one for me. A couple of years ago, I did a Goals course at work, more to find out about mentoring than self-exploration; in late middle age, there seemed little opportunity to pursue great ambition. There was a homework piece that involved writing down your strengths and weaknesses, then asking someone who knew you well to do the same. My husband wrote of me ‘she is stronger than she thinks she is’. Well, I certainly have to prove him right now!
Dottie, it’s good to know there are others who are staying put, and also feeling conflicted about that decision. I will help my husband all I can, but if it starts to affect me badly, then I will ask him for a break. Hugs back, stay positive and purposeful.
My husband is doing everything he can to get well and try to understand his behaviour. He has antidepressants and an initial counselling assessment, as do I. I have been given sleeping tablets which were a blessing for two nights, but on the third day they left me muzzy and right now I need to think clearly. I’ve not been a good sleeper for many years so nothing new there. He is signing up for the Inform Plus course and we are working through the modules on this website. My husband wants to rush at it, showing his obsessive addictive nature, so I am slowing him down and asking him to think more deeply about his answers. I hold him, squeeze his hand, tell him I love him and say this situation does not define him, us, our family or our marriage. We have sought out a specialist lawyer too. We try to get out in the fresh air too, though this unseasonal weather is not helping.
Showing strength is an interesting one for me. A couple of years ago, I did a Goals course at work, more to find out about mentoring than self-exploration; in late middle age, there seemed little opportunity to pursue great ambition. There was a homework piece that involved writing down your strengths and weaknesses, then asking someone who knew you well to do the same. My husband wrote of me ‘she is stronger than she thinks she is’. Well, I certainly have to prove him right now!
Dottie, it’s good to know there are others who are staying put, and also feeling conflicted about that decision. I will help my husband all I can, but if it starts to affect me badly, then I will ask him for a break. Hugs back, stay positive and purposeful.