I don't know what to say
Notifications OFF
Hi all,
My brother was arrested in 2020 and charged in 2021. He got 2 year sentence and came out after eight months. I spoke to him a few time by text and on messenger but other than that we've had no contact. I found out that he'd been recalled to prison December 22.
I have just found out which prison he is in. I have no idea why he went back to prison and only know why he went to prison from the media. He kept it from us.
I used the prison locator service to find him so he knows I have looked for him.
I think I need to write to him but I have no idea what to say. I have no idea of his mental state. We as a family need answers but I'm not sure if this is the time to do it but on the other hand I can't just write pleasantries. I don't really know why I'm writing this, i just feel I need to do something.
My brother was arrested in 2020 and charged in 2021. He got 2 year sentence and came out after eight months. I spoke to him a few time by text and on messenger but other than that we've had no contact. I found out that he'd been recalled to prison December 22.
I have just found out which prison he is in. I have no idea why he went back to prison and only know why he went to prison from the media. He kept it from us.
I used the prison locator service to find him so he knows I have looked for him.
I think I need to write to him but I have no idea what to say. I have no idea of his mental state. We as a family need answers but I'm not sure if this is the time to do it but on the other hand I can't just write pleasantries. I don't really know why I'm writing this, i just feel I need to do something.
I'm pleased for you that you've managed to locate your brother, it must have been a lonely time for him if none of his family knew where he was. Why do you think you can't just write pleasentaries? It's going to take time to build up a relationship with your brother and pleasetaries asking him how he is, whether he is working or studying etc etc would be a good place to start.
I hope it works out for you and that you find your brother is doing OK.
I hope it works out for you and that you find your brother is doing OK.
Post deleted by user
Hi there - I might be reading your post wrong but I think you want to make contact with your brother because he's family and you love him, but also because you all feel in the dark and needing to know the facts behind his imprisonment, rather than just what you've read in the media (that must have been a huge shock for you all).
That's tricky as he may not want to tell you - yet, anyway - and just making contact with pleasantries would feel artificial.
I would suggest that you ask yourself whether your continuing contact is dependent on why he's back in prison again (you must have an idea from the media but I expect you know how skewed what they write can be).
If no matter what he's done you know you'd want to stay in touch then probably all you can do is keep the lines of communication open with chatty pleasantries until such time as he feels able to disclose more, knowing that contact with family will help and comfort him.
If however staying in touch depends on what he's done (maybe you've told him that if it ever happens again you're not sure how you'd feel) then that's really tricky and I agree that writing as if there's nothing wrong whilst you are all in the dark would feel tricky, although it could be that he's scared and too ashamed to contact you all first and making the first move could open the door to him opening up.
We don't know your brother on here, whether he's been remorseful the first time, or what might be in the background of his behaviour which deserves compassion and understanding albeit without condoning what he's done. But you know him and his history although it sounds as if you really love him from what you've written. I think you could do with talking to someone experienced but impartial and suggest you ring the LFF helpline who will help you untangle your feelings and decide what you should do.
All the very best to you all, including your brother x
That's tricky as he may not want to tell you - yet, anyway - and just making contact with pleasantries would feel artificial.
I would suggest that you ask yourself whether your continuing contact is dependent on why he's back in prison again (you must have an idea from the media but I expect you know how skewed what they write can be).
If no matter what he's done you know you'd want to stay in touch then probably all you can do is keep the lines of communication open with chatty pleasantries until such time as he feels able to disclose more, knowing that contact with family will help and comfort him.
If however staying in touch depends on what he's done (maybe you've told him that if it ever happens again you're not sure how you'd feel) then that's really tricky and I agree that writing as if there's nothing wrong whilst you are all in the dark would feel tricky, although it could be that he's scared and too ashamed to contact you all first and making the first move could open the door to him opening up.
We don't know your brother on here, whether he's been remorseful the first time, or what might be in the background of his behaviour which deserves compassion and understanding albeit without condoning what he's done. But you know him and his history although it sounds as if you really love him from what you've written. I think you could do with talking to someone experienced but impartial and suggest you ring the LFF helpline who will help you untangle your feelings and decide what you should do.
All the very best to you all, including your brother x
I think rainyday has summed it up pretty well.
I think you need to consider your motivation d=for getting in touch and whether what you find out about his conviction etc is going to affect you being in touch with him.
I think it would be wrong to get in touch and then to stop contact if you struggle with what you find out. He is not likely to have great support in prison and may have an effect on his mental health if you get in touch and then stop contact.
Cornish Tea x
I think you need to consider your motivation d=for getting in touch and whether what you find out about his conviction etc is going to affect you being in touch with him.
I think it would be wrong to get in touch and then to stop contact if you struggle with what you find out. He is not likely to have great support in prison and may have an effect on his mental health if you get in touch and then stop contact.
Cornish Tea x
Thank you for your replies.
This really is hard. We were really close before this happened but he lied to us making out it was just a simple mistake and it would come with a slap on the wrist. It wasn't until the day after he went to court when we read it in the papers the extent of his offence. We spoke to his solicitors who said he couldn't tell us anything but that none of what was reported was a lie. When he went back to prison he chose not to tell us. I found out from the half way house when I called as he stopped answering my messages.
He can't contact us as we moved not long after he went to prison the first time and has no idea where we are. We got a lot of unwanted attention shall we say.
The fact that he has allowed them to tell me where he is makes me think he would like to make contact and now I think doing nothing wouldn't help with his mental health as much as doing something.
After the shock of finding out after his first court case I don't think anything he reveals now would shock me to the point where I would cut him out completely. Yes I want answers. I want to know how he got where he is physically as well as mentally.
I just want to be his sister. I want him to feel he can text to say hi. I want him to know he can talk to me but he can't lean on me (that sounds dreadful) Sorry but I'm worried about being identified if I give to much information.
This really is hard. We were really close before this happened but he lied to us making out it was just a simple mistake and it would come with a slap on the wrist. It wasn't until the day after he went to court when we read it in the papers the extent of his offence. We spoke to his solicitors who said he couldn't tell us anything but that none of what was reported was a lie. When he went back to prison he chose not to tell us. I found out from the half way house when I called as he stopped answering my messages.
He can't contact us as we moved not long after he went to prison the first time and has no idea where we are. We got a lot of unwanted attention shall we say.
The fact that he has allowed them to tell me where he is makes me think he would like to make contact and now I think doing nothing wouldn't help with his mental health as much as doing something.
After the shock of finding out after his first court case I don't think anything he reveals now would shock me to the point where I would cut him out completely. Yes I want answers. I want to know how he got where he is physically as well as mentally.
I just want to be his sister. I want him to feel he can text to say hi. I want him to know he can talk to me but he can't lean on me (that sounds dreadful) Sorry but I'm worried about being identified if I give to much information.
Dexbo - saying 'I just want to be his sister' is the best thing you could possibly say. Our person is our son and his two sisters are furious with him but they are both committed to being his sisters and that really is the world. Maybe you should just send your brother a brief note saying exactly that?
I'm sorry your family has had to move because of the aftermath of what your brother has done. Do keep in touch with us all on here and let us know how things are going x
I'm sorry your family has had to move because of the aftermath of what your brother has done. Do keep in touch with us all on here and let us know how things are going x
Hi Dexbo, I'm also here because of my son and agree with everything Rainyday has said. My daughter was very upset when I first had to tell her what her brother had done and shocked when she read the details in the local news. Despite this, she has continued to love her brother and to be there for him as his big sister and this has meant the world to him.
I have emailed him. Just a short note asking how he is.
Now waiting for a response. Hope I've done it right!!
How long should I be expecting to wait?
Now waiting for a response. Hope I've done it right!!
How long should I be expecting to wait?
I think they usually get a print out within a couple of days.
Post deleted by user
Hi All,
Got a short message back this morning. I feel so much better now.
He did say they told him he wouldn't have access to email so he needs to check that out.
Not sure how it works so have asked him to find out, but contact from both sides is promising xxx
Thank you to all those who replied x
Got a short message back this morning. I feel so much better now.
He did say they told him he wouldn't have access to email so he needs to check that out.
Not sure how it works so have asked him to find out, but contact from both sides is promising xxx
Thank you to all those who replied x