I just feel like I’m drowning
Notifications OFF
Obviously keeping some details out for privacy reasons -
I have been with my partner for a little while and we fell pregnant in June, he is currently under investigation for possession of indecent images of children. The pregnancy wasn't intentional and for about 3 months I ummed and ahhed about terminating the pregnancy. I was 90% convinced I would terminate.. I have previously had a miscarriage (approx 8 years ago) and at 12 weeks I had some significant bleeding, I was convinced I had lost our child and when they did the confirmation scan there was a heartbeat and I realised I couldn't go through with the termination.
I decided to continue with the pregnancy and immediately put plans in place regarding supervised contact etc (partially based upon my partner's Family Safety Plan with his ex and other children but with a lot of extras added in), I also contacted the midwife and let her know the situation so she could refer to Social so they could get the ball rolling and hopefully have a solid plan in place prior to bub arriving. The referral went in with the wording "Father is under investigation for possession of indecent images of children. Concerns about mother's vulnerabilities due to history of abuse as a child." I was surprised by the last bit as I was abused over 15 years ago and went through counselling etc at the time and am extremely mentally robust, well, and stable, as has been the case for 10+ years but let it slide as it would be easy to prove this and allay any concerns they may have.
The relationship between myself, my partner and his Ex was pretty rocky at this point and the police had been involved to ask her to stop harassing me. Prior to me meeting my social worker or even being informed I had been allocated one Social called up my partners ex and told her I was pregnant (no consent had been given, I'd just nearly lost the baby, history of police involvement, and she deserved to find out from us not a random person on the phone). She called up and was very unpleasant (wished death on the baby) but she was super upset and I understand that, I was upset as this situation could have been managed properly and she and the children live in a different LA anyway with their own safety plan in place through Social there. We weren't notified she would be informed and obviously at that time I was put at risk.
We have subsequently improved this relationship with me meeting her and the kids and actually spending Christmas morning together as a blended family with the children opening their presents etc, it's been really lovely and that continues.
I begun my pre-birth assessment with Social and met my allocated Social Worker, let's call him Fred in October time. He called up my partner as part of this and had a 40 minute phone conversation with him where my partner disclosed his situation and what he had done/ his offending history.
My pre-birth assessment was weekly and my Family Practioner, Jess, was lovely. We worked through all the sessions and I was honest and thorough in my answers. We were deemed child in need and I was repeatedly told by Jess and Fred there were no concerns about my ability to parent just the risk my partner posed. The results of this assessment are due next week. They had not spoken to my partner since that phone call and had no updates from the police, just their weekly assessment sessions with me.
I met Fred just after Christmas, and he told me we needed a Child in Need meeting. This was scheduled for 2 days later (48 hours notice), I was not informed I could have an advocate, I was told it would be him, myself and midwife via video call.
My partner was messaged on WhatsApp the day before this meeting asking for his email so he could be sent "invite for CIN meeting" no further info for him either and no understanding of the abbreviation etc. The invite for him was sent 9 minutes prior to the meeting.
Luckily I studied Law and so worked out we could have an advocate, the only person I could get as such short notice was my mum who did attend for 45 minutes but had to leave for a drs appointment.
In the meeting we had Fred, Jess, Fred's line manager, myself, partner and mum. The midwife couldn't attend as obviously extremely short notice so the only professionals there were from Fred's team.
In this meeting I was informed by Fred and his manager (I hadn't met her before) that I hadn't demonstrated any proactive behaviour to demonstrate I was able to manage the situation...
- I put my own referral in to midwife
- Drew up my own interim Safety Plan
- I got myself approved for Inform (course to understand partners offending)
- Self referred and have a start date (this month) for Breaking The Cycle (a course run by Circles to work with protective parents of children who's other parent has a history of sexual offences)
- Taken and paid for (to date) a Baby First Aid course, Baby Safety Course, Breastfeeding Course, Antinatal Course
- Been in touch regularly with Stop it Now
- I previously was background checked by social as I was the carer of a looked after child within LA for 3 years.. So not actually my first time parenting either.
this is all I can think of off the top of my head.
I have also said I will live independently of my partner with exclusively supervised contact to mitigate risks to the baby.
Fred also then turned to my partner and said that on that phone call my partner had admitted to watching videos of 3 year olds and distributing images of this nature to a "circle of offenders within the LA area"... basing his claims on my partner saying he had engaged with "Circles" (a charity to understand his offending behaviour and put in place coping mechanisms to prevent further offending). When challenged and told this was not correct he backed himself up saying he had made "extensive notes". I did actually record the conversation so I can prove CATAGORICALLY that NONE of this was said and what he was actually advised of is Circles as a charity and the engagement with their services, downloading large files images of mostly teenagers/ pre-teens with hoarding behaviours meaning there likely is SEV1 images on the files but they have never been opened (this is on Dropbox so provable once police have concluded their search), and no distribution at all. Not that I'm saying that's okay because it's not, it's disgusting, however their assessment is at best, woefully inaccurate.
I was informed in this meeting that I was going to be held, post-birth in the hospital for 3-4 days for them to observe my parenting (partner isn't allowed to be there so it literally is just me on my own in a hospital 100 miles away from my family and support network) and to do a discharge planning meeting although child will move to a different LA (near family) immediately after birth this will be done by current social team, not the one I'm actually being discharged to.
We're being escalated to Child Protection instead of CIN too and my due date is 8 weeks away (but likely to be induced early at 37 weeks due to complications so more like 5 weeks away). I feel like whatever I do, say, or disprove from their assessment they are going to try and remove my child regardless and the fact I have even said partner will have no contact until new Social team have come in to assess makes no difference.
I feel like I can't seek any mental health support as it will just go against me and prove that my mental health is unstable, (it's not, I'm just really stressed with everything going on) and further reinforce their view that I can't manage this.
I just don't know what to do honestly. I feel like I'm drowning, we are moving to 2 weekly visits with Social (I live in a shared house baby will never even see), I have 2x 2 weekly appointments with hospital at least, I work 40 hours nightshift which all these appointments are between, I have weekly calls with a specialist midwife for my medical condition, and it's just so much around trying to sleep and eat well and stay healthy etc.
I feel really alone, isolated and unsupported. I'm scared of the impact this stress is going to have on my labour and delivery as well as my wellbeing post birth with being effectively a single mum.
I have been with my partner for a little while and we fell pregnant in June, he is currently under investigation for possession of indecent images of children. The pregnancy wasn't intentional and for about 3 months I ummed and ahhed about terminating the pregnancy. I was 90% convinced I would terminate.. I have previously had a miscarriage (approx 8 years ago) and at 12 weeks I had some significant bleeding, I was convinced I had lost our child and when they did the confirmation scan there was a heartbeat and I realised I couldn't go through with the termination.
I decided to continue with the pregnancy and immediately put plans in place regarding supervised contact etc (partially based upon my partner's Family Safety Plan with his ex and other children but with a lot of extras added in), I also contacted the midwife and let her know the situation so she could refer to Social so they could get the ball rolling and hopefully have a solid plan in place prior to bub arriving. The referral went in with the wording "Father is under investigation for possession of indecent images of children. Concerns about mother's vulnerabilities due to history of abuse as a child." I was surprised by the last bit as I was abused over 15 years ago and went through counselling etc at the time and am extremely mentally robust, well, and stable, as has been the case for 10+ years but let it slide as it would be easy to prove this and allay any concerns they may have.
The relationship between myself, my partner and his Ex was pretty rocky at this point and the police had been involved to ask her to stop harassing me. Prior to me meeting my social worker or even being informed I had been allocated one Social called up my partners ex and told her I was pregnant (no consent had been given, I'd just nearly lost the baby, history of police involvement, and she deserved to find out from us not a random person on the phone). She called up and was very unpleasant (wished death on the baby) but she was super upset and I understand that, I was upset as this situation could have been managed properly and she and the children live in a different LA anyway with their own safety plan in place through Social there. We weren't notified she would be informed and obviously at that time I was put at risk.
We have subsequently improved this relationship with me meeting her and the kids and actually spending Christmas morning together as a blended family with the children opening their presents etc, it's been really lovely and that continues.
I begun my pre-birth assessment with Social and met my allocated Social Worker, let's call him Fred in October time. He called up my partner as part of this and had a 40 minute phone conversation with him where my partner disclosed his situation and what he had done/ his offending history.
My pre-birth assessment was weekly and my Family Practioner, Jess, was lovely. We worked through all the sessions and I was honest and thorough in my answers. We were deemed child in need and I was repeatedly told by Jess and Fred there were no concerns about my ability to parent just the risk my partner posed. The results of this assessment are due next week. They had not spoken to my partner since that phone call and had no updates from the police, just their weekly assessment sessions with me.
I met Fred just after Christmas, and he told me we needed a Child in Need meeting. This was scheduled for 2 days later (48 hours notice), I was not informed I could have an advocate, I was told it would be him, myself and midwife via video call.
My partner was messaged on WhatsApp the day before this meeting asking for his email so he could be sent "invite for CIN meeting" no further info for him either and no understanding of the abbreviation etc. The invite for him was sent 9 minutes prior to the meeting.
Luckily I studied Law and so worked out we could have an advocate, the only person I could get as such short notice was my mum who did attend for 45 minutes but had to leave for a drs appointment.
In the meeting we had Fred, Jess, Fred's line manager, myself, partner and mum. The midwife couldn't attend as obviously extremely short notice so the only professionals there were from Fred's team.
In this meeting I was informed by Fred and his manager (I hadn't met her before) that I hadn't demonstrated any proactive behaviour to demonstrate I was able to manage the situation...
- I put my own referral in to midwife
- Drew up my own interim Safety Plan
- I got myself approved for Inform (course to understand partners offending)
- Self referred and have a start date (this month) for Breaking The Cycle (a course run by Circles to work with protective parents of children who's other parent has a history of sexual offences)
- Taken and paid for (to date) a Baby First Aid course, Baby Safety Course, Breastfeeding Course, Antinatal Course
- Been in touch regularly with Stop it Now
- I previously was background checked by social as I was the carer of a looked after child within LA for 3 years.. So not actually my first time parenting either.
this is all I can think of off the top of my head.
I have also said I will live independently of my partner with exclusively supervised contact to mitigate risks to the baby.
Fred also then turned to my partner and said that on that phone call my partner had admitted to watching videos of 3 year olds and distributing images of this nature to a "circle of offenders within the LA area"... basing his claims on my partner saying he had engaged with "Circles" (a charity to understand his offending behaviour and put in place coping mechanisms to prevent further offending). When challenged and told this was not correct he backed himself up saying he had made "extensive notes". I did actually record the conversation so I can prove CATAGORICALLY that NONE of this was said and what he was actually advised of is Circles as a charity and the engagement with their services, downloading large files images of mostly teenagers/ pre-teens with hoarding behaviours meaning there likely is SEV1 images on the files but they have never been opened (this is on Dropbox so provable once police have concluded their search), and no distribution at all. Not that I'm saying that's okay because it's not, it's disgusting, however their assessment is at best, woefully inaccurate.
I was informed in this meeting that I was going to be held, post-birth in the hospital for 3-4 days for them to observe my parenting (partner isn't allowed to be there so it literally is just me on my own in a hospital 100 miles away from my family and support network) and to do a discharge planning meeting although child will move to a different LA (near family) immediately after birth this will be done by current social team, not the one I'm actually being discharged to.
We're being escalated to Child Protection instead of CIN too and my due date is 8 weeks away (but likely to be induced early at 37 weeks due to complications so more like 5 weeks away). I feel like whatever I do, say, or disprove from their assessment they are going to try and remove my child regardless and the fact I have even said partner will have no contact until new Social team have come in to assess makes no difference.
I feel like I can't seek any mental health support as it will just go against me and prove that my mental health is unstable, (it's not, I'm just really stressed with everything going on) and further reinforce their view that I can't manage this.
I just don't know what to do honestly. I feel like I'm drowning, we are moving to 2 weekly visits with Social (I live in a shared house baby will never even see), I have 2x 2 weekly appointments with hospital at least, I work 40 hours nightshift which all these appointments are between, I have weekly calls with a specialist midwife for my medical condition, and it's just so much around trying to sleep and eat well and stay healthy etc.
I feel really alone, isolated and unsupported. I'm scared of the impact this stress is going to have on my labour and delivery as well as my wellbeing post birth with being effectively a single mum.
I'm so sorry that you're going through all of this. It may be worth copying your post over to the discussion and support page as this generally has more people checking it.
There are people who are social workers on here too so they may be able to offer more information.
I think you have grounds for a complaint around them disclosing your pregnancy to your partners ex and the comment about distributing to people in the local area.
Unfortunately, many professionals link a parents previous abuse with an inability to protect children in their care, at some point I will research how they've reached this conclusion as it baffles me completely.
I would probably email everything you've detailed here in terms of what you've demonstrated in your protectiveness and also request that the handover to your new la social team begins prior to birth so that you don't have to start again whilst looking after yourself and a newborn. You can request that they document and send to you their specific concerns over why you have been escalated to cpp. If your la children's services have a website there should be a breakdown on there of how they are supposed to conduct assessments and also what must be met in order to escalate plans.
Sending love and strength xxx
There are people who are social workers on here too so they may be able to offer more information.
I think you have grounds for a complaint around them disclosing your pregnancy to your partners ex and the comment about distributing to people in the local area.
Unfortunately, many professionals link a parents previous abuse with an inability to protect children in their care, at some point I will research how they've reached this conclusion as it baffles me completely.
I would probably email everything you've detailed here in terms of what you've demonstrated in your protectiveness and also request that the handover to your new la social team begins prior to birth so that you don't have to start again whilst looking after yourself and a newborn. You can request that they document and send to you their specific concerns over why you have been escalated to cpp. If your la children's services have a website there should be a breakdown on there of how they are supposed to conduct assessments and also what must be met in order to escalate plans.
Sending love and strength xxx
Do you have a regualar midwife that you see? Maybe you can get them onside to support you.
This all seems very over the top if you are not even going to allow supervised access immediately.
It should be seen as a good thing everything you have done, and also moving to be with your family.
I just really hope that you will get a better SW when you move local authority.
I just want to give you strength online, to have your baby in peace, to build relationships with the carers around you in hospital once you have had you baby so the SWs look like they are at odds to any comments any nurse or midwife or healthcare professional you intereact with after your baby has been born.
Also I agree with writing a email to Fred and copying in everyone else with the points you have made about what you have done to protect this baby and also a link to the Circles charity for reference.
And if you really want to see these notes you could do a subject access request to get copies of all your notes...... but also I am thinking just don't take too much more on during these final weeks of pregnancy so that you can try to prepare for birth too.
This all seems very over the top if you are not even going to allow supervised access immediately.
It should be seen as a good thing everything you have done, and also moving to be with your family.
I just really hope that you will get a better SW when you move local authority.
I just want to give you strength online, to have your baby in peace, to build relationships with the carers around you in hospital once you have had you baby so the SWs look like they are at odds to any comments any nurse or midwife or healthcare professional you intereact with after your baby has been born.
Also I agree with writing a email to Fred and copying in everyone else with the points you have made about what you have done to protect this baby and also a link to the Circles charity for reference.
And if you really want to see these notes you could do a subject access request to get copies of all your notes...... but also I am thinking just don't take too much more on during these final weeks of pregnancy so that you can try to prepare for birth too.