Any advice on leaving
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So I've been with my OH since we were 16, children ourselves. I've known him since we were 13. We've now been together 8 years. We brought a house together last April. And now all the knock ect has happened. He is denying the accusations from the police.
They're saying that in May 2023 an account on twitter was flagged for uploading 5 IIOC across Cat A and C.
My mental health has plummeted, I'm so anxious and depressed. I find it so hard to do day to day things. I feel trapped and like my life is over, then I feel guilty because it must feel like that only so much worse for my OH, then I feel even more guilty thinking if this is true and the victims of this kind of abuse are out there...
I want to move back home and live with my mum, she is also going through alot recently. She has had 4 leg fractures in the last 9 months and now going through tests for a type of bone cancer.
I hate this living in limbo, I've tried ringing the police to find out from them what they arrested my oh for and not just take his word for it. I feel like I can't trust him or the police from what I've read on here.
I know my oh is trying his best to keep it together for me, but I just can't help but feel i want to leave. I'm scared for leaving as I don't think he could afford to have the house on his own. But if we sell I don't know where he could go to live. When I've tried talking to him about this he just become very shutdown. Before we lived together he used to live in an attached annex to his brothers house. They have a 4 and half year old and the conditions of his bail means he can't have contact with anyone under 18 so it doesn't seem like an easy option for him to move back there.
We have spoken about just trying to carry on as best we can till we know more, but I'm worried as I have seen that this seems to go on for years. At what point do we call it a day and move on. I said if this comes out as being true then I don't see myself being able to carry on the relationship and have a life together.
I just feel so trapped, like there's no nice way out of this with minimal damage.
They're saying that in May 2023 an account on twitter was flagged for uploading 5 IIOC across Cat A and C.
My mental health has plummeted, I'm so anxious and depressed. I find it so hard to do day to day things. I feel trapped and like my life is over, then I feel guilty because it must feel like that only so much worse for my OH, then I feel even more guilty thinking if this is true and the victims of this kind of abuse are out there...
I want to move back home and live with my mum, she is also going through alot recently. She has had 4 leg fractures in the last 9 months and now going through tests for a type of bone cancer.
I hate this living in limbo, I've tried ringing the police to find out from them what they arrested my oh for and not just take his word for it. I feel like I can't trust him or the police from what I've read on here.
I know my oh is trying his best to keep it together for me, but I just can't help but feel i want to leave. I'm scared for leaving as I don't think he could afford to have the house on his own. But if we sell I don't know where he could go to live. When I've tried talking to him about this he just become very shutdown. Before we lived together he used to live in an attached annex to his brothers house. They have a 4 and half year old and the conditions of his bail means he can't have contact with anyone under 18 so it doesn't seem like an easy option for him to move back there.
We have spoken about just trying to carry on as best we can till we know more, but I'm worried as I have seen that this seems to go on for years. At what point do we call it a day and move on. I said if this comes out as being true then I don't see myself being able to carry on the relationship and have a life together.
I just feel so trapped, like there's no nice way out of this with minimal damage.
Sending you hugs,
I wish I could offer you more advice but unfortunately I'm in the same boat as you so all I can do is offer my support.
Me and my OH had been together since we were teens, married and only just had our 1st baby last year, but I am honestly getting to the point of wanting to leave, he's been an amazing dad and support for me, but he's always denied the accusation then when I ask for details or even disclosure it's always "I've forgotten or I don't know" so while I get it's distressing, it feels as if he's still hidding something.
I know it's not easy and its scary but you have to do the best thing for you, trust me I KNOW it's a lot easier said than done with finances, home and everything in between to work out, but you have to put yourself first. Like I still love my OH, and I wish we could have had the family life I dreamed of, but at the end of the day he's responsible for his actions and has to deal with the concequences.
If you ever need to talk I'm only a message away xx
I wish I could offer you more advice but unfortunately I'm in the same boat as you so all I can do is offer my support.
Me and my OH had been together since we were teens, married and only just had our 1st baby last year, but I am honestly getting to the point of wanting to leave, he's been an amazing dad and support for me, but he's always denied the accusation then when I ask for details or even disclosure it's always "I've forgotten or I don't know" so while I get it's distressing, it feels as if he's still hidding something.
I know it's not easy and its scary but you have to do the best thing for you, trust me I KNOW it's a lot easier said than done with finances, home and everything in between to work out, but you have to put yourself first. Like I still love my OH, and I wish we could have had the family life I dreamed of, but at the end of the day he's responsible for his actions and has to deal with the concequences.
If you ever need to talk I'm only a message away xx
Thanks for replying, it is a sad comfort to know there are other people out there in a similar situatuin. I wish i could hate him as then it wouldnt be so hard to work out the possibility of leaving, everytime I bring it up he becomes shut down. I suggested we just do the house up to the bare minimum and flip it. I said we can stay friends and people don't need to know the truth. I still love him and want to support him, I can't unsee the person I fell in love with but I also can't see a future anymore. There's been other things in our past that almost broke us and it feels like this is the final straw. We talk about living life as everyday comes but then I also feel like we need to be preparing for what happens if this is true and that ultimately I will leave.
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Hello ladies, I'm so sorry that you are on this journey with us all. I stayed and I don't regret my decision but I have lost a lot.
If I were in your position Mantis, I would want to find out who was the twitter account connected to? Was it your partners email? Was it the IP address flagged up or only the twitter account, I have read of people being hacked, that's why I ask.
If it was your partner and he's not willing to tell you, it will come out eventually. Whether that's now or months down the line. If you do decide to wait and see, you need to be prepared for a long wait, years in most cases. The police won't tell you anything and you would most likely not find anything out until devices have been checked, even once the charges are with the solicitor you will need to have full disclosure for them to discuss anything with you.
It does seem that you have already made your decision based on you saying it's the final straw. I can imagine it would be very hard to walk way but it will also be very hard to stay, take some more time to think everything over. X
If I were in your position Mantis, I would want to find out who was the twitter account connected to? Was it your partners email? Was it the IP address flagged up or only the twitter account, I have read of people being hacked, that's why I ask.
If it was your partner and he's not willing to tell you, it will come out eventually. Whether that's now or months down the line. If you do decide to wait and see, you need to be prepared for a long wait, years in most cases. The police won't tell you anything and you would most likely not find anything out until devices have been checked, even once the charges are with the solicitor you will need to have full disclosure for them to discuss anything with you.
It does seem that you have already made your decision based on you saying it's the final straw. I can imagine it would be very hard to walk way but it will also be very hard to stay, take some more time to think everything over. X
Always Hopeful, I think it was a twitter account got flagged in May 2023, and they linked it to an IP address at our house. I'm not that clued up though with how IP address work. I hope it's just that he was hacked. As he said he has no knowledge of the twitter account or ever uploading anything. He's denying it was him and said maybe it is some sort of hacking. During the interview he was told to give a no comment, so even when they asked him if he could of been hacked or if he had an albi he said he was told to say no comment.
I feel like if none of it is true and this becomes NFA then I can continue to live life with him. But I'm scared that won't be the case as I haven't seen anything from here turn out to be NFA. I'm scared that if I continue to live in this limbo I'm essentially just prolonging the inevitable.
I feel like if none of it is true and this becomes NFA then I can continue to live life with him. But I'm scared that won't be the case as I haven't seen anything from here turn out to be NFA. I'm scared that if I continue to live in this limbo I'm essentially just prolonging the inevitable.
Hello Mantis
There have been cases where it has ended up NFA. Bot cannot remember the name of the user on this forum. But there have been a couple.
There have been cases where it has ended up NFA. Bot cannot remember the name of the user on this forum. But there have been a couple.
@Mantis,
it's also worth mentioning that NFA doesn't necessarily mean innocent.
Sometimes the police just can't find/retrieve any evidence.
I don't want to spread doom and gloom, just want to give you the full picture.
Only you know your partner and whether he's being truthful.
All the best xx
it's also worth mentioning that NFA doesn't necessarily mean innocent.
Sometimes the police just can't find/retrieve any evidence.
I don't want to spread doom and gloom, just want to give you the full picture.
Only you know your partner and whether he's being truthful.
All the best xx
But surely if they cannot find any evidence and they have decided NFA then they are innocent according to the law. Innocent until proven guilty.
They are innocent according to the law, but due to the absence of evidence rather than being found innocent, similar to how when people are acquitted they are not found innocent either, but legally they are innocent. However it will still show on the deeper checks that social services do alongside the police.
For example I've worked with a family where a male got nfa for 5 rapes. We considered him high risk because all the accusers were different people, over a period of time, descriptions of the offences similar etc. Safety planning was put in place accordingly.
The legal system works on beyond reasonable doubt to convict (it is beyond reasonable doubt that he did this) whereas social services works on the balance of probability (he probably did this) which is very different
For example I've worked with a family where a male got nfa for 5 rapes. We considered him high risk because all the accusers were different people, over a period of time, descriptions of the offences similar etc. Safety planning was put in place accordingly.
The legal system works on beyond reasonable doubt to convict (it is beyond reasonable doubt that he did this) whereas social services works on the balance of probability (he probably did this) which is very different
Thank you Inthemoment, you've explained it much better than I could.
My husband for instance admitted to me and the police that he looked at indecent images.
So even if the police find no evidence and it will be NFA, we know that he's not innocent of the crime.
My husband for instance admitted to me and the police that he looked at indecent images.
So even if the police find no evidence and it will be NFA, we know that he's not innocent of the crime.
We had the knock 14 months ago . My son had looked at something online . They took his devices and 6 months later we had a call to say they had found nothing and there would be NFA. Obviously massive relief, but we knew he had looked at something. He did therapy with stop so and the lff modules. He knows he has been very very lucky. I think the fact I still come back here shows I still have daily worry and anxiety about what happened. As others have said, don't be hasty in making any life changing decisions. Twitter is a strange one. I have had things come up on my twitter feed that I have found disturbing(nothing illegal) that I would never gone looking for. Take care of yourself sending love and strength .
My ex just lied and lied and told me half truths so I rang up his arresting officer in tears to get the full story. I didn't hesitate to leave his ass and now at 39 I'm pregnant and living with my mum.
i was married at 18 to a really nasty guy and stayed only out of loyalty. It was all a lie and at 33 after his final affair I woke up and was off.
best thing I ever did for myself. My Mh has been so much better. If you're doubting if you can trust this guy, honestly take the leap and leave. It could be that you're in a coercive relationship and don't even realise. ??
i was married at 18 to a really nasty guy and stayed only out of loyalty. It was all a lie and at 33 after his final affair I woke up and was off.
best thing I ever did for myself. My Mh has been so much better. If you're doubting if you can trust this guy, honestly take the leap and leave. It could be that you're in a coercive relationship and don't even realise. ??
Sometimes we reach for answers and too much information comes our way and rather than making things easier it makes it harder. Take your time and get through each day until things become clearer. Whatever decisions you make, you can change your mind x
@hpl111 this is literally what happened with us today. My ex had a call from his solicitor advising him that his case is NFA. It doesn't mean he's innocent, in fact he told me a month into the wait that he had looked at those things.
I had to make a decision for myself that I couldn't be with him, not because he's being accused, but because of what he had told me.
I had to make a decision for myself that I couldn't be with him, not because he's being accused, but because of what he had told me.