What contact should there be?
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It's been just over a week since we had the knock on the door and I don't think I'm making any progress - I can't stand to eat / go out or engage in normal daily activities (I've been signed off from work).
My partner has moved in with family, so hasn't had any face-2-face contact with our children. The eldest seems to have worked out what's going on and she's processing that (she doesn't want to talk to him), but our youngest has no idea. She just misses him. He was a great dad and was very hands on - so for her it's a big loss. She's being very clingy and upset. We've done a couple of video calls (after SS had visited) but it's really hard and I'm struggling with it.
I just don't know what to do for the best. Do we keep doing the video calls? Or would it be better (not knowing what will happen when the investigation is complete) if we limit the contact now? It's so tough knowing what to do for the best - I don't want to mess her up. I'm trying so hard to get us into a routine (even though if I'm honest, I don't want to get out of bed), while reassuring her, and I'm not sure the calls are helping.
I can't see us ever getting back together - I don't think I will ever get over, or forgive what he's done (sorry I know some people do forgive)
Any advice would be really appreciated. Has anyone else cut contact? Limited it? Continued with daily contact - what's your experience? If your down the line, how's it worked out?
I don't want to go 1 step forward and 2 steps back every time (if that makes sense)
I'm also worried about his mental health, if I do cut contact what he'll do
Thanks for reading this. I do appreciate any advice.
My partner has moved in with family, so hasn't had any face-2-face contact with our children. The eldest seems to have worked out what's going on and she's processing that (she doesn't want to talk to him), but our youngest has no idea. She just misses him. He was a great dad and was very hands on - so for her it's a big loss. She's being very clingy and upset. We've done a couple of video calls (after SS had visited) but it's really hard and I'm struggling with it.
I just don't know what to do for the best. Do we keep doing the video calls? Or would it be better (not knowing what will happen when the investigation is complete) if we limit the contact now? It's so tough knowing what to do for the best - I don't want to mess her up. I'm trying so hard to get us into a routine (even though if I'm honest, I don't want to get out of bed), while reassuring her, and I'm not sure the calls are helping.
I can't see us ever getting back together - I don't think I will ever get over, or forgive what he's done (sorry I know some people do forgive)
Any advice would be really appreciated. Has anyone else cut contact? Limited it? Continued with daily contact - what's your experience? If your down the line, how's it worked out?
I don't want to go 1 step forward and 2 steps back every time (if that makes sense)
I'm also worried about his mental health, if I do cut contact what he'll do
Thanks for reading this. I do appreciate any advice.
Hi,
Are video calls the only contact that ss have approved? It is very early days and I'm sorry to say that investigations can take years.
It might be better for your youngest and also for you if there is a family member who can supervise in person contact between them.
Staying or leaving is a personal choice and to an extent it is separate to the decisions made on contact with your children. You probably feel under pressure to know everything right now and to make decisions but you are going through trauma and grief and now is not the best time to make huge decisions. Try to take it a day at a time, eat and sleep when you can and keep reaching out on here.
Sending love and strength xxx
Are video calls the only contact that ss have approved? It is very early days and I'm sorry to say that investigations can take years.
It might be better for your youngest and also for you if there is a family member who can supervise in person contact between them.
Staying or leaving is a personal choice and to an extent it is separate to the decisions made on contact with your children. You probably feel under pressure to know everything right now and to make decisions but you are going through trauma and grief and now is not the best time to make huge decisions. Try to take it a day at a time, eat and sleep when you can and keep reaching out on here.
Sending love and strength xxx
My OH was allowed supervised contact from day 1 (bail conditions said this and SS didn't override).
I wouldn't cut contact as it is important for their recovery to engage with the family unless you are truely worried about the safety of the children.
If you can not supervise contact or don't want to right now, you could ask his family to help out.
As would suggest you also call the LFF helpline and talk to them about the inform course.
So sorry you are in this position, but as it has been said it is early days and it will get easier.
I wouldn't cut contact as it is important for their recovery to engage with the family unless you are truely worried about the safety of the children.
If you can not supervise contact or don't want to right now, you could ask his family to help out.
As would suggest you also call the LFF helpline and talk to them about the inform course.
So sorry you are in this position, but as it has been said it is early days and it will get easier.
It took me ages to decide on contact. Take your time and do what feels right for you. You are in very early days and I know making decisions seems like it will ease the weight but it's also hardest to make decisions when your in the thick of it.
I started with phone calls and after a few weeks and chat with SS allowed video calls. Both my kids were preschoolers at the time and this was a nightmare to organise to be honest as they just kept in walking away from the phone. But we got there. After a few months I decided I was ready to consider in face meetings and got assessed by SS, approved for supervision etc. It was a big deal for me to cope with the shame of having SS come and judge my parenting/ safeguarding. The kids had their first supervised (by me) contact visit 6 months after the knock and took it in their stride.
I ended the relationship with their father on the day of the knock as there was no way his actions or subsequent responses allowed for any alternative, and three years on I promise it has gotten better. There have been dark times and better times. It gradually becomes not the centre of everything and not the defining point of everything. My kids are thriving and I'm not doing too bad either! You can do this xx
I started with phone calls and after a few weeks and chat with SS allowed video calls. Both my kids were preschoolers at the time and this was a nightmare to organise to be honest as they just kept in walking away from the phone. But we got there. After a few months I decided I was ready to consider in face meetings and got assessed by SS, approved for supervision etc. It was a big deal for me to cope with the shame of having SS come and judge my parenting/ safeguarding. The kids had their first supervised (by me) contact visit 6 months after the knock and took it in their stride.
I ended the relationship with their father on the day of the knock as there was no way his actions or subsequent responses allowed for any alternative, and three years on I promise it has gotten better. There have been dark times and better times. It gradually becomes not the centre of everything and not the defining point of everything. My kids are thriving and I'm not doing too bad either! You can do this xx
Also wanted to add about you saying 'i don't want to mess her up'. This is not your fault. You will make the decisions that you need to in a time of trauma and they will be the right decisions for you. You're not the one who has messed things up - it's your job to put in damage control and by writing that you are worried it shows you care which is all you can do. No one gets everything right - but I believe our kids will grow up knowing we did the best we could under very crappy circumstances. And then we'll pay for their therapy x
Please don't stop contact, even just a few hours supervised a week would help her x