2 months post knock and struggling
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Hi all,
Ive been reading posts for last month or so following our knock on 22/11/23
My then partners story is somewhat usual as was lead by a female instigator who is the main suspect and she had lured a number of men into her web and forwarded images, my partner being one of them to receive a picture. He didn't deal with the image the right way (didn't report as didn't know a pic of a 17 yr old was against the law he says) and once the woman was arrested his name came out of device search and here we are today. He ended his communication with her and moved on with his life, meeting me a couple months after.
The police have pretty much confirmed this as thought he was just making excuses.
since then our lives have been ruined majorly. We have only just bought our first home together which he cannot stay in as I have children from my previous relationship. I work in education so was reported to local authority by association.
we had such a lovely life planned and I can't shake this feeling of gloom and sadness as loved him so much and he was our happy ever after after a difficult marriage.
seeing people say it's taken 3/4 years to sentencing is unbearable. What's your top tips for coping?? I feel like I'm really stuck at the moment and won't move on until he is sentenced.
Ive been reading posts for last month or so following our knock on 22/11/23
My then partners story is somewhat usual as was lead by a female instigator who is the main suspect and she had lured a number of men into her web and forwarded images, my partner being one of them to receive a picture. He didn't deal with the image the right way (didn't report as didn't know a pic of a 17 yr old was against the law he says) and once the woman was arrested his name came out of device search and here we are today. He ended his communication with her and moved on with his life, meeting me a couple months after.
The police have pretty much confirmed this as thought he was just making excuses.
since then our lives have been ruined majorly. We have only just bought our first home together which he cannot stay in as I have children from my previous relationship. I work in education so was reported to local authority by association.
we had such a lovely life planned and I can't shake this feeling of gloom and sadness as loved him so much and he was our happy ever after after a difficult marriage.
seeing people say it's taken 3/4 years to sentencing is unbearable. What's your top tips for coping?? I feel like I'm really stuck at the moment and won't move on until he is sentenced.
I'm so sorry you're feeling like this and although it is no comfort at the moment, your feelings of gloom and sadness are so typical of how probably 99.9% of us felt. But as we can testify, the weight of that does lessen as time goes by - it doesn't become insignificant (how could it?) but that feeling your life is over does diminish as you adjust to a new kind of normal.
I do hope that doesn't sound over optimistic or simplistic and in my early days I couldn't imagine how anything would ever be OK again but now I've adjusted to knowing that despite times when I know I'll despair, cry and slide back into that pit, it will pass as I adjust to the new situation, whether that's charges, court, sentencing.
One of the biggest heartache is dealing with your own children trying to make sense of this new situation (for me it's grandchildren as I'm the mum of an offender) - have you arranged some supervised contact? We have our son living with us at the moment and his children visit regularly where we supervise by day and our son has to disappear overnight. The children have a really good SW who is committed to children needing a relationship with their father, albeit supervised, and we are now used to having to go everywhere with them.
i think that the uncertainty of all this is the worst bit - how long will it take? is there stuff I don't know about? will my person go to prison? - and my only bit of advise would be to train yourself to live in the moment and try to stop yourself going down the 'what if?' road. Easier said than done, perhaps, and I'm certainly not there yet but I do know that spiralling into that pit is only going to affect you adversely and won't change anything. There is a post on the 'Understanding Why' thread about getting through these early days and that has lots of wise suggestions.
You situation sounds a bit different from many on here but this offence is so common that sadly your person won't be the only one being investigated in similar circumstances. Sending a virtual hug and do look after yourself and your family as beat as you can xx
I do hope that doesn't sound over optimistic or simplistic and in my early days I couldn't imagine how anything would ever be OK again but now I've adjusted to knowing that despite times when I know I'll despair, cry and slide back into that pit, it will pass as I adjust to the new situation, whether that's charges, court, sentencing.
One of the biggest heartache is dealing with your own children trying to make sense of this new situation (for me it's grandchildren as I'm the mum of an offender) - have you arranged some supervised contact? We have our son living with us at the moment and his children visit regularly where we supervise by day and our son has to disappear overnight. The children have a really good SW who is committed to children needing a relationship with their father, albeit supervised, and we are now used to having to go everywhere with them.
i think that the uncertainty of all this is the worst bit - how long will it take? is there stuff I don't know about? will my person go to prison? - and my only bit of advise would be to train yourself to live in the moment and try to stop yourself going down the 'what if?' road. Easier said than done, perhaps, and I'm certainly not there yet but I do know that spiralling into that pit is only going to affect you adversely and won't change anything. There is a post on the 'Understanding Why' thread about getting through these early days and that has lots of wise suggestions.
You situation sounds a bit different from many on here but this offence is so common that sadly your person won't be the only one being investigated in similar circumstances. Sending a virtual hug and do look after yourself and your family as beat as you can xx
Sorry you are in this situation and we all understand how hard this is hanging over us.
I am 6 months post knock and it is getting easier.
I completed the inform course for partners which was really helpful but it is more foccused on porn addiction getting out of control which doesn't sound the case for you (though it is worth checking!).
I have also seen a stopso lady for a couple of sessions which has been really great as you don't need to explain all the context, they just get it and understand the legal process and I can just talk and come up with coping strategies.
I agree with above advise, it is now about just trying to live in the moment and not think about it too much so it impacts your day to day and once you get into a routine around when he visits you in the house etc, not sure if you have any time when your other children are not in the house ie staying with another parent?
I have 2 older children from a prev relationship plus 1 from this but we eventually managed to live some of normal life with him being in the house in the evenings after work, all contact supervised with the 3 children and then just sleeping elsewhere at night.
I am 6 months post knock and it is getting easier.
I completed the inform course for partners which was really helpful but it is more foccused on porn addiction getting out of control which doesn't sound the case for you (though it is worth checking!).
I have also seen a stopso lady for a couple of sessions which has been really great as you don't need to explain all the context, they just get it and understand the legal process and I can just talk and come up with coping strategies.
I agree with above advise, it is now about just trying to live in the moment and not think about it too much so it impacts your day to day and once you get into a routine around when he visits you in the house etc, not sure if you have any time when your other children are not in the house ie staying with another parent?
I have 2 older children from a prev relationship plus 1 from this but we eventually managed to live some of normal life with him being in the house in the evenings after work, all contact supervised with the 3 children and then just sleeping elsewhere at night.
Thank you for your replies.
As he is not the father to my children we have not asked for any contact. Social Care have closed our case as satisfied I am safeguarding and not minimalising and that the girls have no contact and he is keeping to bail conditions.
He has moved into a 1 bed flat and luckily we can just about manage both homes financially. If he looses his job we will be in a very difficult position with 4 years left on the mortgage term.
This morning he has admitted (after 8 weeks) to a full blown porn addiction over the last 20 years. He assures me this does not involve minors, but the woman he met on a consensual adult only site sent him images which has got him into trouble.
he is very remorseful and more so now I know this wasn't just before we met, he's been using adult porn sites daily and is seeking support from both this service and a therapist to help him stop.
the sense of grief and dread is overpowering at times but I do take comfort that I don't feel like this in isolation.
As he is not the father to my children we have not asked for any contact. Social Care have closed our case as satisfied I am safeguarding and not minimalising and that the girls have no contact and he is keeping to bail conditions.
He has moved into a 1 bed flat and luckily we can just about manage both homes financially. If he looses his job we will be in a very difficult position with 4 years left on the mortgage term.
This morning he has admitted (after 8 weeks) to a full blown porn addiction over the last 20 years. He assures me this does not involve minors, but the woman he met on a consensual adult only site sent him images which has got him into trouble.
he is very remorseful and more so now I know this wasn't just before we met, he's been using adult porn sites daily and is seeking support from both this service and a therapist to help him stop.
the sense of grief and dread is overpowering at times but I do take comfort that I don't feel like this in isolation.