Still in shock
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we are middle aged and have been married 2 and a half years. I’ve had problems with my husband looking at porn and eyeing up schoolgirls since the beginning. His excuse was that some schoolgirls can look 18 so it’s ok to fancy them. I said, the fact they’re in school uniform tells you they are NOT 18, they are children. He has promised and swore on his mothers life that he had stopped watching porn. He lied. Has lied, from the day I met him. Sunday just gone I said to him, if you’ve got nothing to hide you’ll let me look at your phone. He agreed but kept hold of it as he showed me the various apps. He was an I.T consultant so he know his way around technology. I said can I hold the phone a minute as I can’t see it properly. He agreed. I clicked on his search history and found a search for ‘Tween buds’. I’ve had 3 daughters so I KNEW what I was going to see when I clicked on it. It sickened me. Dozens of pictures of girls 8-12 years old, posing provocatively showing their breasts beginning to develop. Some had thin vest tops on some naked. I’d only just started scrolling down and there must have been hundreds of pictures. It all happened in seconds. He realised I’d found something, probably by the look on my face and he lunged at me gritting his teeth and fighting to get his phone off me. My gentle, incredibly laid back husband who NEVER lost his temper suddenly turned into a madman. He got the phone off me, ran outside in just his boxers and came back a few minutes later, back to his calm laid back self after he had deleted everything. I told him to leave and that I would be calling the police. Again he blew up, saying don’t, think what it’ll do to his family, especially his mum and his brother (who works for the police). I said maybe he should have thought about that himself before looking at naked children. He went to his mums, I called the police, he has been arrested, questioned and bailed to his mums pending further investigation. His computers and phones have been seized. I’m going under, I just can’t believe I’ve been married to a paedophile.
Thank you for replying poster. It’s still very early days yet, it’s only been 5 days. I thought my life was pretty normal now it’s just exploded into a chaotic mess. I’m very isolated, no friends, and I’m feeling like I’m having the worst nightmare ever, but I’m not am l, I’m living it and I just don’t know what to do with myself. It feels like a death, I’m grieving a death, and I feel like I’m dying inside. I can’t get the sickening images I saw out of my head. I live in the country, he took the car so I can’t go anywhere. I’m losing my mind. I know time heals but I’d do anything to just hibernate and wake up 6 months down the line. Can’t eat, can’t sleep. Sorry I’m being selfish. I know it’s not just me going through this x
lee1969, thank you for your kind words and good advice. No, nobody for support. I can’t bring myself to tell my grown up children. They know I was sexually abused from the age of 8-15 years old by my brother in law and how much I despise paedophiles. To tell them I’ve been married to one since December 2016 is just something I can’t do. Not right now at least. They’d be questioning me nonstop and probably asking how I didn’t spot the fact much sooner. That won’t help as I’ve been asking myself the same question. I’m going hour by hour at the moment, I can’t control my emotions at all. I am seeing my doctor tomorrow though. I’m so glad I found this forum last night. Just knowing I’m not alone is helping me. Thank you again x
I understand where you’re coming from lee1969. To me the fact he has been attracted to teenage schoolgirls made me believe he was a dirty old pervert so to now find out it’s 8-12 yr olds I can’t think of any other word than the p word. I’m so sorry about the abuse you suffered as a child too x No I’ve had no contact whatsoever since it happened on Sunday. I fully intend to ring the helpline I’m just not ready yet. I doubt I could be coherent enough for those on the other end of the line to understand me. I will speak to my doctor tomorrow, he is the best one I’ve ever had and he is fully aware of all the problems I’ve had with my husband, although of course he knows nothing of this latest thing. I’m in a very dark place right now and struggling very much but I know it’s still very early days yet. I know I’m going to have problems dealing with it for a long time to come. It’s just helped a tiny bit by going in the garden and shredding all his favourite plants xx
Hi Seamack
What a bloody mess although I love that you've wrecked his plants :))
This is all so difficult and too start you don't know if you're coming or going!
Definitely speak with your GP, mine has been absolutely fantastic.
Ring the helpline when you feel able they are brilliant and keep coming on here to get the support you'll need.
You did the right thing by going to the police so don't ever think you shouldn't have.
It must have been a terrible shock and that'll stay for a while but please just look after yourself
Take care xx
What a bloody mess although I love that you've wrecked his plants :))
This is all so difficult and too start you don't know if you're coming or going!
Definitely speak with your GP, mine has been absolutely fantastic.
Ring the helpline when you feel able they are brilliant and keep coming on here to get the support you'll need.
You did the right thing by going to the police so don't ever think you shouldn't have.
It must have been a terrible shock and that'll stay for a while but please just look after yourself
Take care xx
Thank you for your kind words and support Tracey, I really appreciate it at this incredibly difficult time.
You take care too x
You take care too x
Hi Seamack,
Sorry you have had to join us on here. You will find nothing less than love and support from us all though.
I also was the one that saw the images on my husband of 13 yrs phone. It's hard to get those images out of my mind. I can imagine for you having been abused as a child was even more traumatic and I'm so sorry you have been through it.
I had to give a statement against my husband, but I knew his was due to porn addiction and he had started to get help before the images came to light so I didn't sign the statement. Obviously then the devices were siezed so they have the evidence.
I am at the moment supporting my husband as he shows nothing but remorse and is a broken man. He is getting all the help he can, but I do understand how you feel having seen the images.
Take a day at a time and keep popping back on here. Sending a hug. Xx
Sorry you have had to join us on here. You will find nothing less than love and support from us all though.
I also was the one that saw the images on my husband of 13 yrs phone. It's hard to get those images out of my mind. I can imagine for you having been abused as a child was even more traumatic and I'm so sorry you have been through it.
I had to give a statement against my husband, but I knew his was due to porn addiction and he had started to get help before the images came to light so I didn't sign the statement. Obviously then the devices were siezed so they have the evidence.
I am at the moment supporting my husband as he shows nothing but remorse and is a broken man. He is getting all the help he can, but I do understand how you feel having seen the images.
Take a day at a time and keep popping back on here. Sending a hug. Xx
Hi Dottie, thank you for your kind message. I admire you for sticking by your husband. It’s been 5 days now and if I even set eyes on my husband all I’d want to do is cut his testicles off. The anger and hatred I feel towards him right now is overwhelming and I know it’s not good for me. Perhaps that’s normal but even as time goes on I can’t ever see myself trying to support him in any way. I despise him. I’ve read lots about it and some experts say (as a lady on here also said to me) it’s not black or white, there are gray areas. For me it is black or white. He chose to look at those images, he wasn’t forced, so callous and heartless as I may sound, I don’t care if he is remorseful and broken and in need of support. He will get none from me. I hope he suffers greatly x
Hi Seamack
Everyone reacts in different ways, some stay and support their husbands/partners, some leave, there is no right or wrong answer, it's what feels right for you.
I too left my husband, in my mind there are 2 lines that shouldn't be crossed and they are rape and children, even murder in some circumstances is forgivable. Although I couldn't have stayed with my husband if he had at any point accepted responsibility for his actions I would have helped him get the help him needs.
I think the more difficult choice is to stay and work through it but leaving isn't easy because once the shock goes you then have to deal with the love and missing him!!
Try and be kind to yourself, it will get better but it takes time
Xx
Everyone reacts in different ways, some stay and support their husbands/partners, some leave, there is no right or wrong answer, it's what feels right for you.
I too left my husband, in my mind there are 2 lines that shouldn't be crossed and they are rape and children, even murder in some circumstances is forgivable. Although I couldn't have stayed with my husband if he had at any point accepted responsibility for his actions I would have helped him get the help him needs.
I think the more difficult choice is to stay and work through it but leaving isn't easy because once the shock goes you then have to deal with the love and missing him!!
Try and be kind to yourself, it will get better but it takes time
Xx
I’m sorry, that last message sounds very callous. Today is a really bad day for me and I’m just venting. So many times my anger and hurt has overwhelmed me these past 5 days. I’ve considered smashing the place up with a hammer, every ornament, mirror, TV etc. I really don’t know myself right now xx
Tracey, thank you x I agree totally with your opinion about crossing those two lines and even murder/manslaughter.
I’m struggling so much because I love and miss the man I met and married. I can’t reconcile that man with the one I now know. I desperately want the man I met back, but he never existed. That’s what’s hurting me the most right now. From the day we met, it’s all just been one big lie xx
I’m struggling so much because I love and miss the man I met and married. I can’t reconcile that man with the one I now know. I desperately want the man I met back, but he never existed. That’s what’s hurting me the most right now. From the day we met, it’s all just been one big lie xx
Seamack you’re so brave - good luck with everything- we are all here for you. This forum is such a brilliant support. You are not alone xxx
Dear Seamack, and all the other contributors to this page, I am one of those in the background. This is only my second post after 9 months since catching my husband in a compromising position viewing young children in the middle of the night, using my laptop. I too was the one that reported my husband to the police but I didn’t see any other way as he told me that this wasn’t the first time, that it had been something he had done for the whole of our 6 year marriage and before, since he was very much younger. I still feel exceptionally guilty at “dobbing in “ my own husband however, he was a newly appointed teacher and what could have happened next?
The first two weeks I didn’t stop shaking, I still can’t lose the pictures that I saw from my head. I was besides myself with grief which upset my young son, his stepson, greatly to the point that later my boy would tell me that he wanted to kill himself, what was the point of love? My husband’s own children didn’t want to know him and still don’t.
I missed my husband, my soul mate, the man I was going to grow old with and met up with him. I knew that I would be vulnerable to his loving words and touch, we spent odd nights together which were magical but unreal in our new world. Nothing was as it was and I swung pretty much daily from loving him to hating him and back again.
My husband’s daughter then, thankfully unsuccessfully, made a serious attempt on her life. My husband didn’t tell me for a few days and carried in with his life as normal. I couldn’t believe that he could do this, with seemingly little concern.
At that moment I realised, and this was months later, that he was leaving a trail of debris behind him and I wanted nothing more to do with him as he was only ever thinking of himself, not ever any consequence.
Today, I pushed the button on our divorce.
The long and the short of it is that every one of you ladies has been giving such good advice. As you have said, no rash reactionary decisions at the beginning, and to take time. My husband’s case still hasn’t gone to court after 9 months but this has no bearing on things for me....He may be remorseful but I’m certain he could easily do it again.
And I have my son to protect.
Seamack, you must do what is right for you. Take your time. And thank you lovely ladies from me too X
The first two weeks I didn’t stop shaking, I still can’t lose the pictures that I saw from my head. I was besides myself with grief which upset my young son, his stepson, greatly to the point that later my boy would tell me that he wanted to kill himself, what was the point of love? My husband’s own children didn’t want to know him and still don’t.
I missed my husband, my soul mate, the man I was going to grow old with and met up with him. I knew that I would be vulnerable to his loving words and touch, we spent odd nights together which were magical but unreal in our new world. Nothing was as it was and I swung pretty much daily from loving him to hating him and back again.
My husband’s daughter then, thankfully unsuccessfully, made a serious attempt on her life. My husband didn’t tell me for a few days and carried in with his life as normal. I couldn’t believe that he could do this, with seemingly little concern.
At that moment I realised, and this was months later, that he was leaving a trail of debris behind him and I wanted nothing more to do with him as he was only ever thinking of himself, not ever any consequence.
Today, I pushed the button on our divorce.
The long and the short of it is that every one of you ladies has been giving such good advice. As you have said, no rash reactionary decisions at the beginning, and to take time. My husband’s case still hasn’t gone to court after 9 months but this has no bearing on things for me....He may be remorseful but I’m certain he could easily do it again.
And I have my son to protect.
Seamack, you must do what is right for you. Take your time. And thank you lovely ladies from me too X
Ce-Ce
thank you for your kind words and encouragement. This forum has been the best thing I have found. I don’t feel as alone as I did before I found it x
thank you for your kind words and encouragement. This forum has been the best thing I have found. I don’t feel as alone as I did before I found it x
Ruth
thank you. I can totally empathise with you. I, like you, can’t stop the pictures from going round in my head. It like they’re on continual replay in my head. It’s driving me mad. I saw my doctor this evening and he has made an appointment for the mental health team to visit me tomorrow. I still can’t get my head around the fact that 5 days ago my life was normal. Now it’s just imploded. I have not seen my husband since it happened but I know there will be a time when I will need to as we have so much to sort out. Most of his stuff is still here, there is the finances to sort, I want his name off my bank account ASAP but the bank says we have to sign forms together and then it’ll be 10 working days until his name is removed. Everything that needs to be done feels so overwhelming right now. I will never regret calling the police. I truly believe I did the right thing.
Good for you getting the divorce underway. I won’t be far behind you. Good luck to you and your little boy x
thank you. I can totally empathise with you. I, like you, can’t stop the pictures from going round in my head. It like they’re on continual replay in my head. It’s driving me mad. I saw my doctor this evening and he has made an appointment for the mental health team to visit me tomorrow. I still can’t get my head around the fact that 5 days ago my life was normal. Now it’s just imploded. I have not seen my husband since it happened but I know there will be a time when I will need to as we have so much to sort out. Most of his stuff is still here, there is the finances to sort, I want his name off my bank account ASAP but the bank says we have to sign forms together and then it’ll be 10 working days until his name is removed. Everything that needs to be done feels so overwhelming right now. I will never regret calling the police. I truly believe I did the right thing.
Good for you getting the divorce underway. I won’t be far behind you. Good luck to you and your little boy x
Thank you Seamack.....The other things that I did was, like others have suggested, go to my GP where I got so much support. I am on antidepressants which I see as a temporary but very necessary crutch and I’ve been having weekly hypnotherapy through a friend, basically counselling and relaxation with achievable goal setting and I’ll swear that that has been so good for me. I had counselling right at the beginning through my work, however that just left me angrier as it was all too raw and also the then counsellor, who had previously been a social worker, couldn’t understand why I still had immensely strong feelings for my husband.
it’s so painful but time and the right support is good. Go easy on yourself X
it’s so painful but time and the right support is good. Go easy on yourself X
Thank you Ruth,
i saw my doctor yesterday. He got the mental health team out today to assess me as he was concerned for my welfare. I have been on anti depressants (Fluoxetine) or, as they are more commonly known, Prozac, for many years (about 15 yrs) as I’ve always been prone to severe bouts of depression. Over the past months I have been coming off the anti depressants and I got as far as going from taking the maximum dose of 60mg a day to 20mg every 3 days. The next step was stopping them altogether, which had been planned to happen yesterday. Now, with what has happened I’m starting to up them again. I’m now taking 20mg per day and they will be increased over the coming weeks. That has upset me greatly and it has given me yet another reason to be so angry with my husband.
We are all different and react differently to situations. You still had strong feelings for your husband and that’s your business and not for anyone to judge. I am missing and still love the man I met and fell for and married. But as I’ve already said, that man never existed, it was all a lie. As for the man I now know him to be, I could quite happily castrate him and shove his testicles down his perverted throat. I despise him.
I also must say how helpful I’ve found this forum. The advice and kind words have kept me going. Today I have kept myself busy as advised by someone on here and I must say that too has helped. My garden looks lovely, the grass is mowed and not a single weed in sight. Today has been a better day. I know tomorrow might not be but having this forum here gives me comfort. Thank you all and I truly hope everyone is coping and getting through this awful nightmare we are all living at the moment x
i saw my doctor yesterday. He got the mental health team out today to assess me as he was concerned for my welfare. I have been on anti depressants (Fluoxetine) or, as they are more commonly known, Prozac, for many years (about 15 yrs) as I’ve always been prone to severe bouts of depression. Over the past months I have been coming off the anti depressants and I got as far as going from taking the maximum dose of 60mg a day to 20mg every 3 days. The next step was stopping them altogether, which had been planned to happen yesterday. Now, with what has happened I’m starting to up them again. I’m now taking 20mg per day and they will be increased over the coming weeks. That has upset me greatly and it has given me yet another reason to be so angry with my husband.
We are all different and react differently to situations. You still had strong feelings for your husband and that’s your business and not for anyone to judge. I am missing and still love the man I met and fell for and married. But as I’ve already said, that man never existed, it was all a lie. As for the man I now know him to be, I could quite happily castrate him and shove his testicles down his perverted throat. I despise him.
I also must say how helpful I’ve found this forum. The advice and kind words have kept me going. Today I have kept myself busy as advised by someone on here and I must say that too has helped. My garden looks lovely, the grass is mowed and not a single weed in sight. Today has been a better day. I know tomorrow might not be but having this forum here gives me comfort. Thank you all and I truly hope everyone is coping and getting through this awful nightmare we are all living at the moment x
Seaman,
Glad you had a better day and that your garden is looking lovely for it.
Yes everyone deals with their situations differently and every situation is unique. This forum is a godsend for us all and must be a place of love and support and non judgemental advice. The split of who stays and who goes is more or less a 50/50 split. You do what you think is right for your life and happiness. Just take your time and look after yourself.
Glad you had a better day and that your garden is looking lovely for it.
Yes everyone deals with their situations differently and every situation is unique. This forum is a godsend for us all and must be a place of love and support and non judgemental advice. The split of who stays and who goes is more or less a 50/50 split. You do what you think is right for your life and happiness. Just take your time and look after yourself.
Predictive text Seamack not what it has unfortunately turned it into.
Thank you Dottie,
Yes each and every one of us is unique and all have our own views of what is the right/wrong thing to do in the situation we all find ourselves in. I just know in my case I’ve never trusted my husband where porn and his attraction to teenage schoolgirls are concerned. I only wish I’d known these things BEFORE marrying him instead of finding out in the first few weeks of out marriage. So I know, for me personally, I could never give our marriage a second chance after what a saw on his phone. Even if he got help. I would always be worried about him doing it again, even with therapy. I used to work with offenders and dealt with anything from anti social behaviour to murder, rape, child porn/abuse, violent offenders and everything in between. I know I’d destroy myself by being anywhere near my husband with the suspicion and mistrust I’d feel.
Yes each and every one of us is unique and all have our own views of what is the right/wrong thing to do in the situation we all find ourselves in. I just know in my case I’ve never trusted my husband where porn and his attraction to teenage schoolgirls are concerned. I only wish I’d known these things BEFORE marrying him instead of finding out in the first few weeks of out marriage. So I know, for me personally, I could never give our marriage a second chance after what a saw on his phone. Even if he got help. I would always be worried about him doing it again, even with therapy. I used to work with offenders and dealt with anything from anti social behaviour to murder, rape, child porn/abuse, violent offenders and everything in between. I know I’d destroy myself by being anywhere near my husband with the suspicion and mistrust I’d feel.