Devastated mum
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hello. Today while on holiday I found out from my husband that our house was raided (he is still at home) and my electronic devices taken. My son has been looking at child porn and I am totally and utterly devastated. He is 22. His whole life ahead of him. I knew about the porn. I made him go to the drs for help. He is sickened by his actions and it’s an escalation of the porn addiction. His whole young life ahead of him and he does this. I can’t even begin to think of life now for him and us as a family. I just want to cry and cry. Please if there is anyone who can support me, anyone, I feel so sad. So numb. So disappointed. So unsure of why. He is here on holiday with me and my daughter. He needs help which he agrees but I wish he had asked for help, talked to me before this. I just feel so dreadfully sad.
Hiya I too have had to watch my son go thru this, he’s 30 had a partner a job and a stepson he’s lost everything we are 6 weeks since sentencing and still trying to find where to start to get his life in some kind of order! I’m numb have been from the start I’m sure once he is sorted I’ll be a mess ! But like u I knew he was into porn but I actually thought it was a kinda safe addiction !! Not once did I think it would come to this ! Try and take 1 day at a time thinking of u lovely xxxx
Janno thank you for replying. Did he get a long sentance? The police found a cat c image and have yet to speak to him or me, that’s next week. But I know from what he’s now told me it’s worse. I presume that even though it’s deleted from the laptop they will find browsing records? Should he be honest with them from the start? He’s already signed up for counselling. It’s a mess. He said he finds it disgusting but the addiction took over and now he’s talking about just ending it all because he will have no life so he may as well die now. So I’m not only worrying about what life will now bring but that I’ll lose my son, whom I love and will support but will forever now wonder if it was something I did or could have done or didn’t do. My husband is sick to his stomach. Will he go to prison? Will everyone find out in the place I live/work/will I lose my job, have to tell them? I think I’m actually in shock. I want to vomit I feel so distraught xx
Hi, so sorry you & your family are having to go through this. My sons offence also came out of a porn addiction. I totally understand all the emotions you are going through. Take one day at at time if you can & please pass this bit onto your son from me- my son hit rock bottom when this happened, he was 23, had so much remorse for what he was putting his family through. We are nearly 7 years on, & life has got good again, we became closer. Keep posting on here, I hope I can help xxx
My son got 15months suspended for 2 yrs community service and. 10yr sor/shpo and a rehab where he has to go an talk to people like himself ! Our local scandal rag plastered his image an my address all over the internet wasn’t helpful at all ! I spoke to my employers and they where fantastic 1 of my managers struggled but is nice to me another 1 chats endlessly about my situation which I prefer he not judging me or my son he is geninely interested and wants to understand ! Wish more people would !! Try not to think about what he has looked at it will confuse you more ! Think about your son who has an addiction it doesn’t matter what that addiction is what matters is a deep underlying problem that has manifested in this way!
What matters is moving forward and to be honest not telling the truth from the start will cause problems later on the police can see everything on devices I do hope I’ve been helpful so sorry if not ! Hugs to you xxx
What matters is moving forward and to be honest not telling the truth from the start will cause problems later on the police can see everything on devices I do hope I’ve been helpful so sorry if not ! Hugs to you xxx
Thank you Janno and phoenix mum, I am so grateful to have found this support network. I am terrified of the local rag getting the info, husband saying we will have to sell up and move, my daughter who is 17 is aspergers and would be so upset if she found out, I need to protect her. I love my son and I will support him. Just feels my (and is) life is over at the moment. He is so sorry, he wanted to tell me but just couldn’t. Will I need to be interviewed? Will he need a solicitor? I can’t thank you enough for your support. He had such a wonderful life ahead of him, he’s just come back from America and New Zealand- will he ever be able to travel again? Xx
Don’t look so far ahead just go with the flow right now! The police spoke to me his brothers the rag used my address because he had been at mine for the 2 weeks before sentencing ! To be fair we looked at moving but every1 around here has been lovely to us well mr an my partner I don’t allow the son out to wander the streets he can go to certain shops and to appointments but that’s it ! We are going to relocate him with the help of mental health agencies,because I want him to prove the haters wrong I want him to show the world how strong he is and how with the support he can achieve something in his life and NOT be defined from this conviction !
I know your head is racing plz calm it down as it will make you poorly and your at the start of a long rocky road !
You can do this ! your a mum ! No other person is as strong as a mum xx
I know your head is racing plz calm it down as it will make you poorly and your at the start of a long rocky road !
You can do this ! your a mum ! No other person is as strong as a mum xx
Totally agree with Janno, mums are definitely so strong, I was similar in that my daughter was the same age at the time, she couldn’t bear to be in the same room as her brother, so difficult for her to get her head around it all. I kept a lot of details from her, didn’t think she needed to know all. It broke my heart trying to support both my kids in different ways. Please try & take care of yourself in all of this xx
None of my kids lived at home 3 boys brought up so close and right now no1 is talking to any1 but they have kids and believe what the paper said ! I have told them to do what they need to for there families and I will do what I need to for mine ! Honestly it’s a long process and until you have spoke to the police you won’t lnow anything ! My phone is normally always in my hand so I will try and keep checking on you !
Sending hugs xxx
Sending hugs xxx
Hi janno, just wanted to say there’s no reason that your son can turn his life around after this & prove all the haters wrong!! My son has turned his life around for the better, nearly 7 years on, a lot of hard work & determination. Only way is up from rock bottom with the love & support xx
Oh Phoenixmum I know and he’s been told I’m putting all my faith in him ! We still early days but we are facing this shit and gonna rise above ! And to be fair I’m in a better place since being on this forum xxx
Hi stunned mum
What an awful situation for you, your husband and son.
Although mine was my husband of course my first fear was the press/media but we were really lucky and he didn't make the papers.
I would suggest your son is really honest with the police, they will find it anyway and if he lies then it gives them a bad impression of him. If there have been any deleted them you're right, the browsing history will still be there.
I'd your son wants help then please try and get him as much as you possibly can, it will all go for him if it reaches court. Best in mind that's an if, it might not!
I would get him to ring the helpline when he gets home and also you to ring them too, they are brilliant.
Try to take one day at a time, I know your mind must be all over the place at the moment but try and keep as calm as possible. Keep coming on here, you will get nothing but support
Take care xx
What an awful situation for you, your husband and son.
Although mine was my husband of course my first fear was the press/media but we were really lucky and he didn't make the papers.
I would suggest your son is really honest with the police, they will find it anyway and if he lies then it gives them a bad impression of him. If there have been any deleted them you're right, the browsing history will still be there.
I'd your son wants help then please try and get him as much as you possibly can, it will all go for him if it reaches court. Best in mind that's an if, it might not!
I would get him to ring the helpline when he gets home and also you to ring them too, they are brilliant.
Try to take one day at a time, I know your mind must be all over the place at the moment but try and keep as calm as possible. Keep coming on here, you will get nothing but support
Take care xx
Thank you all, thank you so much. We are in mid-Wales on hols, my daughter went to my step-sisters caravan tonight while me and my son watched a film and talked and cried and he kept just saying he was so sorry and disgusted and that he is so scared. I haven’t been able to eat today. I’ll check back in tomorrow and thanks again everyone xx
Well done lovely just remember your son for who he is xxx
Hi stunned mum, so sorry to hear you have joined our group. You will always find nothing but love and support here, we are all going through the same nightmare.
Emotions will change from minute to minute, hour to hour and day to day, it's like a rollercoaster ride. I can remember being numb initially and that for me lasted a couple of weeks, then I hit the really tearful and the angry stage and so it just goes around and around. A lot of us on here have husbands or sons whose offenses arose from a porn addiction.
To answer some of your questions, I would say make sure he has a solicitor when he is questioned, that's really important. Get him to talk to the helpline and see if he can do the inform plus course and you could do the inform course to help you understand more and to also prove that you can support him. Therapy is also a good idea, it gives them someone they can really open upto and help them get some answers for themselves. All these measures will go in his favour if they are bought to court.
As far as you being interviewed by the police, just remember you are not guilty of anything and you do not have to give any information over that you are not happy too. Again if I'm doubt talk to a solicitor first. Phone the helpline too yourself, they can answer all your questions.
For now I am sending a big hug your way. Xx
Emotions will change from minute to minute, hour to hour and day to day, it's like a rollercoaster ride. I can remember being numb initially and that for me lasted a couple of weeks, then I hit the really tearful and the angry stage and so it just goes around and around. A lot of us on here have husbands or sons whose offenses arose from a porn addiction.
To answer some of your questions, I would say make sure he has a solicitor when he is questioned, that's really important. Get him to talk to the helpline and see if he can do the inform plus course and you could do the inform course to help you understand more and to also prove that you can support him. Therapy is also a good idea, it gives them someone they can really open upto and help them get some answers for themselves. All these measures will go in his favour if they are bought to court.
As far as you being interviewed by the police, just remember you are not guilty of anything and you do not have to give any information over that you are not happy too. Again if I'm doubt talk to a solicitor first. Phone the helpline too yourself, they can answer all your questions.
For now I am sending a big hug your way. Xx
I haven’t slept. I am numb. I feel like I constantly want to vomit. I’m panicking that our lives are about to implode. And I’m truly heartbroken today. X
I actually feel like part of me has died. And it’s only the beginning of this. ???? I know I’m going to crumble. X
Hi there, I too have gone through the same thing with my son - lived in limbo for two years until final sentencing. Now we are trying to move forwards - it’s hard I’m not saying it isn’t but you will come out the other side so to speak. Ring the helpline they were excellent support in the early days. I too thought we would have to move but we are still in the same place and have and no repercussions. I don’t doubt people are probably talking behind our backs but if they have nothing better to do I say let them live their sad little lives - I no longer believe in all I read in the newspapers - they just print the worst!! Keep your head up and take good care of yourself as well as your son xx
Stunned Mum, I found myself where you are 4 weeks ago, well that was when the extent of it all came out to me - via the local newspaper - the knock was over 2 years ago, and it was a long wait, and at the time there was one cat c image, and we thought it was just a mistake. My son didnt open up, and because he is aspergers with a learning disability I didnt push it, thought he was a victim. He was never arrested, so we got on with life. Then he was summoned to court - I didnt know, i didnt hear about it all until the newspaper story - which of course was absolutely disgusting and was about spreading hatred. We are awaiting sentence, it has been an awful time, however i am more hopeful now. I have had great support from here, from a few friends and my son and I are much more open about things now. What the papers failed to say and my next fight is - that there are people out there preying on vulnerable adults enticing them into this kind of thing. I agree with honesty being the best policy, they will find everything in time, which is what happened with my son. It is an awful situation and heartbreaking, but i know it will get better, and the way i look at it now, is, finally my son will get some serious help, help that he has probably needed for a long time but has not been accessible. They will take note now. Please know that there are some lovely people on here who are really keen to help and support one another. One day at a time lovely, I find my emotions and ability to deal with it all differ from day to day, sometimes hour to hour. My son also had 2 attempts at taking his life - this was awful, but prioritised things for me.
Don't get me wrong, at times I could scream at him, but i have managed to hold back.
It is awful, and feels like your world is ending, I thought things couldnt get any worse, but of course i know they can, so i try to remind myself of the good, and at the top of my list is the support group - particularly the group chats.
Try not to isolate yourself and know that the worst of it has happened already - its just finding ways to get through it now.
Warm love and a wee hug
Don't get me wrong, at times I could scream at him, but i have managed to hold back.
It is awful, and feels like your world is ending, I thought things couldnt get any worse, but of course i know they can, so i try to remind myself of the good, and at the top of my list is the support group - particularly the group chats.
Try not to isolate yourself and know that the worst of it has happened already - its just finding ways to get through it now.
Warm love and a wee hug
Dear all who have taken time to help, reassure and support me. Thank you. My son is in a bad place today, he is talking about taking his life as it’s pointless to go on. This is very hard to deal with and my heart is breaking for his pain. He is going to see the GP on Tuesday to tell them he feels like this and to ask for help. He said it was never about the images but the release, the addiction. He is repulsed by his actions and has no desire for under 16s. I have to just keep believing that. We have a meeting with the police on Friday next week. My daughter who has aspergers and is 18 in 4 months - I’ve read that she will be subject to a social worker intervention, is that true? I am the chair of Governors for a large girls secondary school. Do I need to resign? I love this role but feel that I would need to divulge this info (after any charge is brought) and I don’t want to at this point. Also, my job is a school office admin in a small primary, so I need to tell them? I’ll lose my job if I do. So many aspects of life to consider. Trying to not think too much, my head is exploding xx
Hi
If you think your son is at risk of taking his life before Tuesday please get him to a&e, he can always trying the Samaritans as can you at any time.
You will have to tell your work but they shouldn't dismiss you because of this, you haven't offended and it won't show on your DBS, I would either tell the governor's about it or resign if you don't want them to know, trouble is these things could come out at some point so you're better off being honest from the start. I'm sure it won't be the first time they have encountered it or heard of it happening.
Take care xx
If you think your son is at risk of taking his life before Tuesday please get him to a&e, he can always trying the Samaritans as can you at any time.
You will have to tell your work but they shouldn't dismiss you because of this, you haven't offended and it won't show on your DBS, I would either tell the governor's about it or resign if you don't want them to know, trouble is these things could come out at some point so you're better off being honest from the start. I'm sure it won't be the first time they have encountered it or heard of it happening.
Take care xx
Hi Stunned Mum
So sorry you too are going through this. I would advise you to be upfront with your employer - as of September last year it is not an automatic dismissal if you are living with a - pardon the phrase as I hate it ‘sex offender’. The LADO will be informed following sentencing but providing your employer can assure them your son will not have any involvement with your work place all should be fine
So sorry you too are going through this. I would advise you to be upfront with your employer - as of September last year it is not an automatic dismissal if you are living with a - pardon the phrase as I hate it ‘sex offender’. The LADO will be informed following sentencing but providing your employer can assure them your son will not have any involvement with your work place all should be fine
Oh, it is awful isnt it - but try to reassure your son that he can get through it, and that he will get some help to cope with whatever happens. I dont see why you have to resign from anything - you havent done anything wrong. It is your son who wont be allowed round the children. Most employers appear to be understanding.
In honesty I completely understand what you are feeling just now, I panicked like crazy at first and thought my life was over, and it is still all relatively recent, and i have a few reminding me of it, but I do feel more hopeful than I did at the very start, i couldnt eat or sleep and cried almost all the time.
I now am able to see it differently, yes it has affected my life in a big way and my husbands too - it has also affected my sons - but he has to face the consequences. My son too assures me he has no interest, he got into a mess he couldnt get out of.
The way I see it now is quite different - my son now is going to get the help he needs, that has got to be a positive. He is also young enough to make something of his life.
It is scary, and their will be 101 emotions and thoughts going through your head. You are a Mum and your son will always be your son, we never stop caring for them. We know that they are so much more than this - try to allow the feelings to come and go.
I cant answer your question about your daughter, but hopefully social work will use common sense.
This is all a process, and as such you will feel differently at each stage.
The only way is up from here - there just is no map to take you there, but you will find the way. Lean on others as much as you can.
In honesty I completely understand what you are feeling just now, I panicked like crazy at first and thought my life was over, and it is still all relatively recent, and i have a few reminding me of it, but I do feel more hopeful than I did at the very start, i couldnt eat or sleep and cried almost all the time.
I now am able to see it differently, yes it has affected my life in a big way and my husbands too - it has also affected my sons - but he has to face the consequences. My son too assures me he has no interest, he got into a mess he couldnt get out of.
The way I see it now is quite different - my son now is going to get the help he needs, that has got to be a positive. He is also young enough to make something of his life.
It is scary, and their will be 101 emotions and thoughts going through your head. You are a Mum and your son will always be your son, we never stop caring for them. We know that they are so much more than this - try to allow the feelings to come and go.
I cant answer your question about your daughter, but hopefully social work will use common sense.
This is all a process, and as such you will feel differently at each stage.
The only way is up from here - there just is no map to take you there, but you will find the way. Lean on others as much as you can.
Wakung up at stupid o’clock every morning having a panic attack. I can’t turn the thoughts off that are constantly running around my head. I’ve lost nearly half a stone in four days. We are home next week from Wales, I’ve told my son I’ll go to the drs with him for support but I also need to see them myself, I feel like I am cracking up, going to have a breakdown and I’m back at work on the 2nd of September. I honestly don’t know how I’m going to cope. I feel so mentally exhausted and physically sick. I am so so distressed. I don’t think I’ll ever feel normal again. Xx
Hang on in there, StunnedMum. You are still in shock. Your dr will be able to help you and being at home might make it easier rather than being in a different location where you are meant to be enjoying yourself! We are all here for you. There are some amazing women on this forum that will give support.
We haven’t even seen the police yet as it all happened while I was away, he is coming out to chat next Friday but when I get home I’m going to ask if we can go the station instead, I don’t want my daughter to see police at the house. When we go it’ll be a chat but I already know the extent of the downloading, do we admit it immediately or wait to be charged, I’m not hiding anything but should be volunteer info before they find stuff? I don’t know what they will find and my son doesn’t know either, just that he has told me what he has seen. Will he be arrested at that point? Are we entitled to a solicitor- he has no money, will he be entitled to legal aid? So many questions xx
Hi Stunned Mum,
My heart goes out to you. Please try not to overthink. I know it's much harder to do than be advised. The best advice I've ever had is to put all of your worries into separate boxes. Only open one of these boxes at a time and deal with that issue. It won't be up to you as to when you can open some boxes, so keep them locked away for now.
You can cope. Mums are the strongest. Your feeling overwhelmed. This is normal. Please use the helpline when you feel like this. Please write on here. Your son is able too alse if it would help him. There is support for you all. Has your son called the helpline?
We are here for you both. It may feel like it now but it's not the end of the world.
P x
My heart goes out to you. Please try not to overthink. I know it's much harder to do than be advised. The best advice I've ever had is to put all of your worries into separate boxes. Only open one of these boxes at a time and deal with that issue. It won't be up to you as to when you can open some boxes, so keep them locked away for now.
You can cope. Mums are the strongest. Your feeling overwhelmed. This is normal. Please use the helpline when you feel like this. Please write on here. Your son is able too alse if it would help him. There is support for you all. Has your son called the helpline?
We are here for you both. It may feel like it now but it's not the end of the world.
P x
Hi Stunned Mum
I am sorry you have had to go through this, I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. You could be writing my story. My son was arrested last September. At the time he was 27. He is autistic and he too had a porn addiction that led to this. He too tells me he has no interest in children.
please do ask your doctor for help for you too. If you don’t look after yourself you won’t be able to look after your family.
I too work in a school as administrator and have found everyone who knows to be very supportive. Initially I only told the principal (who was so good they even helped me with legal expenses!). I next discussed this with the DSL who was not only supportive but also full of lots of helpful advice thanks to her training. Now there are 6 people at work who know, not one of them has condemned my son and they are a great source of support when everything gets too much.
We have just gone through sentencing. He received 3 years community order, 5 years on the register and 5 years sexual harm prevention order. He was charged with making and distributing. Making is the act of saving the images not creating them. Distribution was because the images came from a file sharing site (Bit Torrent) he didn’t know that he was sharing. The fact that he had so much support from family and close friends was a factor in his relatively light sentance.
Everyone on here is in the same boat and will be an endless supply of support.
I am sorry you have had to go through this, I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. You could be writing my story. My son was arrested last September. At the time he was 27. He is autistic and he too had a porn addiction that led to this. He too tells me he has no interest in children.
please do ask your doctor for help for you too. If you don’t look after yourself you won’t be able to look after your family.
I too work in a school as administrator and have found everyone who knows to be very supportive. Initially I only told the principal (who was so good they even helped me with legal expenses!). I next discussed this with the DSL who was not only supportive but also full of lots of helpful advice thanks to her training. Now there are 6 people at work who know, not one of them has condemned my son and they are a great source of support when everything gets too much.
We have just gone through sentencing. He received 3 years community order, 5 years on the register and 5 years sexual harm prevention order. He was charged with making and distributing. Making is the act of saving the images not creating them. Distribution was because the images came from a file sharing site (Bit Torrent) he didn’t know that he was sharing. The fact that he had so much support from family and close friends was a factor in his relatively light sentance.
Everyone on here is in the same boat and will be an endless supply of support.
Today has been a slightly better day in that I am not feeling as physically sick, that seems to be worse when I first wake up, it’s like I’d forgotten it and then the reality hits again and I feel panicky and sick. It’s been a sunny day here. That always helps. You m wondering how much if anything you tell family? I don’t want to tell anyone at this point. Also, do you get charged as soon as you see the police or do you get put under investigation until they find everything and then they charge you? Its the waiting that is difficult. He works part time in a bar in a football club, will he lose that job immediately? If he has no income must he sign on - but how can he look for work with this? :-( xx
Thank you all again, it’s comforting to know you are out there xx
Hi Stunned mum 1996,
So sorry to hear you have joined our awful club. I would just like to say you will find nothing but love and support here.
What I would say is don't rush into any decisions, time helps to clarify the situation. In the early days there are so many emotions and unanswered questions. It helps to confide in someone so you feel you can talk openly and get the support you need. Just choose carefully, although one thing I have learnt from this experience is that there are some amazing people out there that can truly surprise you in how kind, caring and non judgemental they can be.
If your son has to talk to the police I would always say get a solicitor involved. If it's just a chat does that mean he hasn't been arrested?. When someone is arrested they can request a duty solicitor. In a lot of cases the duty solicitor will advice the offender to reply no comment to all questions, this is so they don't incriminate themselves. It's worth just getting some legal advice before the meeting.
Any questions you need answering I really would recommend ringing the helpline.
In the meantime, stay strong, one day at a time. Sending love your way. X
So sorry to hear you have joined our awful club. I would just like to say you will find nothing but love and support here.
What I would say is don't rush into any decisions, time helps to clarify the situation. In the early days there are so many emotions and unanswered questions. It helps to confide in someone so you feel you can talk openly and get the support you need. Just choose carefully, although one thing I have learnt from this experience is that there are some amazing people out there that can truly surprise you in how kind, caring and non judgemental they can be.
If your son has to talk to the police I would always say get a solicitor involved. If it's just a chat does that mean he hasn't been arrested?. When someone is arrested they can request a duty solicitor. In a lot of cases the duty solicitor will advice the offender to reply no comment to all questions, this is so they don't incriminate themselves. It's worth just getting some legal advice before the meeting.
Any questions you need answering I really would recommend ringing the helpline.
In the meantime, stay strong, one day at a time. Sending love your way. X
Hi stunned mum I'm so sad to hear your story, I can sympathise with that feeling wen you wake in 5he morning to the reality , I to was like that in 2016 when my son then 19, was arrested , for images , so thu took all devices and him to station questioned him with a duty solicitor who advised him to say no comment , I thought this was strange but apparently they are all advised to say that , anyway he was then released on bail while all his devices went to the lab , this went on until April 2018 , when they finally charged him and he went to court in June 2018 , he got 2 yr suspended , community service 100hrs, 10yrs on register and shop, your son wont have to leave his job as he doesn't work unsupervised with children, I only told my older daughter about her brother as I just kept crying so she would of known , also told my mum and dad as it would not of been fair to keep being sad around them they would of wondered why and at times it was my safe place to get away and not hav to put on a brave face , they are the only people I told , the more people you tell the more chances it gets around, cousins etc may talk , its prob going to be a long wait so I know it's hard but try try try yourself and reassure your son this is not the end , there will be life beyond this please take care of yourselves, I had all your symptoms couldn't eat lost weight, sleepness nites , it will lessen in time , just advise him best not tell friends, here for you if you need me xx
So today I went to the drs, I broke down. I took my son. The dr said if he was getting councelling via the website then they wouldn’t offer it too as there is no point doing two at the same time. She offered to sign me off work but I can’t as I’m agency til 16th of sepvwhen I then go onto a contract. Will it help in the long term that we have asked for help? We are seeing the police tomorrow at 11am, he said it’s just a quick chat but I know what I know and the policeman doesn’t - I’ve tried all morning to get through to the helpline but it’s busy. I need advice as to what to do tomorrow- what do we admit? What don’t we say? I came back from Wales yesterday. My husband isn’t aware of the level of viewing. I don’t think it’ll help if I tell him, he is humiliated as it is. So me, just me, and my son, are aware of what’s going on and the pressure is enormous for me. I told the dr and she said it’s reactionary feelings that will subside. I feel wiped out emotionally. Xx
Just a quick reply...The Stop It Now helpline are an incredible source of support, they really are. However they are not legal advice, I'd really suggest you contact a solicitor by phone today for advice about what to say tomorrow.
I promise the way you are feeling now will get better. It's really tough, and in the beginning you will be surviving minute by minute. That's ok, do what you need to do to survive. Two months in for us and life is starting to feel more normal again...even though life is far from normal. It's amazing how you can adapt to coping with this horrendous situation xxx
I promise the way you are feeling now will get better. It's really tough, and in the beginning you will be surviving minute by minute. That's ok, do what you need to do to survive. Two months in for us and life is starting to feel more normal again...even though life is far from normal. It's amazing how you can adapt to coping with this horrendous situation xxx
Please as worried mum said, get advice from a solicitor before the chat with police.
Rollercoaster day. Police cancelled the informal chat because they have an urgent care come in overnight. I felt sick and relieved at the same time. I got a solicitor. They told me not to admit anything other than what they have. She also said not to admit anything to them (although confidential) because they would not advise him to lie if asked under questioning so to be aware of that. It’s not hiding information but at this point not to disclose anything other than what they are aware of. I asked if this would make it worse when and if they found anything and she said no it’s his right not to answer. It’s worse to lie and backtrack so she would advise to say nothing. The policeman kept saying to me not to worry, but it’s been the worst week of my life. I constantly feel like I want to vomit. The solicitor also told me not to disclose to my job as he hasn’t been charged. And reminded me I haven’t done anything wrong. And to tell me I can’t go in to a voluntary or arrest interview so to consider whether I want to be there at all. I don’t want to hide anything but she said you don’t know what they will or won’t find so he should not admit anything other than what they have. My husband is not aware of the level of this, I’m keeping him out of it because he isn’t on my way of dealing with things, he doesn’t understand mental health or addition, watching disgusting porn he said isn’t an addiction it’s a choice and he should have just stopped. So I’m telling him little. And carrying the horrendous load myself. I look like death haha and I’m slim anyway so the weight loss is obvious in my face. I’m still struggling to eat, one piece of toast yesterday. It’s a bloody nightmare. So, because of the time it takes to look at laptops etc, we could be waiting months and months? What happens when they do find it - do they turn up and arrest him and take him away? I thought it would be better to say he saw x y and z but the solicitor said to wait and see what they find and admit to that only. That’s what I’m struggling with. It’s not lying but not admitting. Xx
Hi stunnedmum, just wanted to send you virtual hugs xx so wish I could help more, its been a while from police interviews etc so I can’t give much advice on that. I’m sure the solicitor knows best. Has he dealt with these type of cases before? I know the waiting is terrible at the start, does take its toll on you sadly, try & eat little & often x did you manage to talk to the helpline? It might be helpful for your husband could talk to them too, hang in there xxx
Hi stunned mum
Although I'm surprised at the advice of the solicitor go with what they are telling you. I'm like you I'd want to tell the truth but they may not be the best thing.
I was told by the police that in the case of my husband he would be invited in to the station for a formal talk and that would be where he gets charged. I would imagine they would only turn up at yours to arrest him if he didn't turn up when asked.
You're doing really well, the first month is awful but if you can get through that, and you will, then you'll manage it, you're still in shock but that will go as time goes on.
Just take it a day, hour, minute at a time and try to eat something a few times a day even if it is only something small
Lots of love xx
Although I'm surprised at the advice of the solicitor go with what they are telling you. I'm like you I'd want to tell the truth but they may not be the best thing.
I was told by the police that in the case of my husband he would be invited in to the station for a formal talk and that would be where he gets charged. I would imagine they would only turn up at yours to arrest him if he didn't turn up when asked.
You're doing really well, the first month is awful but if you can get through that, and you will, then you'll manage it, you're still in shock but that will go as time goes on.
Just take it a day, hour, minute at a time and try to eat something a few times a day even if it is only something small
Lots of love xx
What the solicitor is saying is correct. They can only charge on evidence they have so by saying no comment to their questions you are not giving them information they may not be able to find, but you are not lying. Otherwise you could incriminate further.
You are doing so well. It does get easier. Sending love your way. Xx
You are doing so well. It does get easier. Sending love your way. Xx
Thank you everyone for your replies. It helps so much x
update: the solicitor rang and said she had spoken to the policeman who said they have nothing at all to charge my son with. They know a cat c image was accessed from my IP address in March but they don’t know if it was anyone in residence here or if it the IP address was hacked. So he said it’s not worth having an informal chat as there is nothing to discuss. Now it’s a waiting game to see what happens with the electronic stuff they have removed. So she told me to say nothing to the police and to tell my son not to disclose information because at this point they have nothing. So that’s what we will do is go with the legal advice.
my son has a phone assessment with someone from the Lucy Faithfull Foundation on Monday when I hope he will get the opportunity to get support to deal with his porn addiction. Does anyone know if the info he gives them (he was told he would have to give info about himself therefore becoming identifiable) is passed to the police? Whilst not trying to get out of anything, it seems foolish to volunteer info that they currently don’t have. I expect it to be found if it’s still on the laptop (I don’t know how these things work) and it wouldn’t be denied if it was found but it seems foolish to offer info up before that point to make things worse. Also we both went to the doctors and asked for help, telling her what had happened with the police and that he needed help for porn addiction, that he had viewed inappropriate porn, we were both so upset, she could see how much he wanted help; do they pass info on to the police or is it confidential? I told her we had an informal chat arranged with the police so she knows they were involved but surely they don’t report back when you go for help over something like this? It’s worrying me. As is everything.....
Im back at work Monday and dreading it. My son is not getting on with my husband so the son is now talking of moving out. My daughter knows nothing and so I’m juggling everything trying to keep her innocent, keep the peace and stop myself feeling ill with the constant anxiety I’m struggling with. It’s just a constant rollercoaster.
Im really hoping to get some proper sleep soon. I’m just so tired. Much love to you all, you are my rock and I really would have gone insane without your words of help and support xx
update: the solicitor rang and said she had spoken to the policeman who said they have nothing at all to charge my son with. They know a cat c image was accessed from my IP address in March but they don’t know if it was anyone in residence here or if it the IP address was hacked. So he said it’s not worth having an informal chat as there is nothing to discuss. Now it’s a waiting game to see what happens with the electronic stuff they have removed. So she told me to say nothing to the police and to tell my son not to disclose information because at this point they have nothing. So that’s what we will do is go with the legal advice.
my son has a phone assessment with someone from the Lucy Faithfull Foundation on Monday when I hope he will get the opportunity to get support to deal with his porn addiction. Does anyone know if the info he gives them (he was told he would have to give info about himself therefore becoming identifiable) is passed to the police? Whilst not trying to get out of anything, it seems foolish to volunteer info that they currently don’t have. I expect it to be found if it’s still on the laptop (I don’t know how these things work) and it wouldn’t be denied if it was found but it seems foolish to offer info up before that point to make things worse. Also we both went to the doctors and asked for help, telling her what had happened with the police and that he needed help for porn addiction, that he had viewed inappropriate porn, we were both so upset, she could see how much he wanted help; do they pass info on to the police or is it confidential? I told her we had an informal chat arranged with the police so she knows they were involved but surely they don’t report back when you go for help over something like this? It’s worrying me. As is everything.....
Im back at work Monday and dreading it. My son is not getting on with my husband so the son is now talking of moving out. My daughter knows nothing and so I’m juggling everything trying to keep her innocent, keep the peace and stop myself feeling ill with the constant anxiety I’m struggling with. It’s just a constant rollercoaster.
Im really hoping to get some proper sleep soon. I’m just so tired. Much love to you all, you are my rock and I really would have gone insane without your words of help and support xx
Hi stunnedmum
I can’t say for sure but I very much doubt that the foundation can or will report to the police, otherwise what would be the point of anyone going to them for help.
our situations are similar in that it’s my son who offended but he or our daughter did not live at home at the time. We told our daughter everything because she’s in her twenties with a little boy. Also because we knew how she’d react ifshe heard about it in the village.
I can’t give you much other than to say it does get easier as time goes on. Like you, I slept very little for the first three months. My health suffered as I went from 9 stone to just under six stone in the first three months. I honestly did not think I’d come out the other end but I did.
Life is different now but easier. Whether it will remain that way when my son comes home I don’t know. There is always the fear that people where we now live will find out but that is something we will have to deal with as and when.
The two things that have not got better for me are sleeping and eating. I rarely sleep more than three hours a night and only pick at food. It must be five months since I had what I’d call a meal in front of me. I’m hoping this is the worry of my son being in prison and that it will change when he comes home but who knows.
I can’t say for sure but I very much doubt that the foundation can or will report to the police, otherwise what would be the point of anyone going to them for help.
our situations are similar in that it’s my son who offended but he or our daughter did not live at home at the time. We told our daughter everything because she’s in her twenties with a little boy. Also because we knew how she’d react ifshe heard about it in the village.
I can’t give you much other than to say it does get easier as time goes on. Like you, I slept very little for the first three months. My health suffered as I went from 9 stone to just under six stone in the first three months. I honestly did not think I’d come out the other end but I did.
Life is different now but easier. Whether it will remain that way when my son comes home I don’t know. There is always the fear that people where we now live will find out but that is something we will have to deal with as and when.
The two things that have not got better for me are sleeping and eating. I rarely sleep more than three hours a night and only pick at food. It must be five months since I had what I’d call a meal in front of me. I’m hoping this is the worry of my son being in prison and that it will change when he comes home but who knows.
Hi stunnedmum
I can’t say for sure but I very much doubt that the foundation can or will report to the police, otherwise what would be the point of anyone going to them for help.
our situations are similar in that it’s my son who offended but he or our daughter did not live at home at the time. We told our daughter everything because she’s in her twenties with a little boy. Also because we knew how she’d react ifshe heard about it in the village.
I can’t give you much other than to say it does get easier as time goes on. Like you, I slept very little for the first three months. My health suffered as I went from 9 stone to just under six stone in the first three months. I honestly did not think I’d come out the other end but I did.
Life is different now but easier. Whether it will remain that way when my son comes home I don’t know. There is always the fear that people where we now live will find out but that is something we will have to deal with as and when.
The two things that have not got better for me are sleeping and eating. I rarely sleep more than three hours a night and only pick at food. It must be five months since I had what I’d call a meal in front of me. I’m hoping this is the worry of my son being in prison and that it will change when he comes home but who knows.
I can’t say for sure but I very much doubt that the foundation can or will report to the police, otherwise what would be the point of anyone going to them for help.
our situations are similar in that it’s my son who offended but he or our daughter did not live at home at the time. We told our daughter everything because she’s in her twenties with a little boy. Also because we knew how she’d react ifshe heard about it in the village.
I can’t give you much other than to say it does get easier as time goes on. Like you, I slept very little for the first three months. My health suffered as I went from 9 stone to just under six stone in the first three months. I honestly did not think I’d come out the other end but I did.
Life is different now but easier. Whether it will remain that way when my son comes home I don’t know. There is always the fear that people where we now live will find out but that is something we will have to deal with as and when.
The two things that have not got better for me are sleeping and eating. I rarely sleep more than three hours a night and only pick at food. It must be five months since I had what I’d call a meal in front of me. I’m hoping this is the worry of my son being in prison and that it will change when he comes home but who knows.
Hi I believe they will only pass info onto police if a child was at risk. Think that's right. My husband has been advised not to mention anything the police don't already know to his therapist. You can ask the helpline and they will give you the honest answer and you could then decide if you go ahead or not.
Xx
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