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Hi
My ex partner and I have 2 children together, 10 year old boy and 9 year old girl. We split in 2022. He met someone else and lives with her and her two boys and my two go over every other weekend and a night in the week. I live with my partner and he has his daughter every weekend.
Just over a week ago, I took my two to school and got on with my day. They were due to be picked up by their dad for the weekend.
I got a call about 10am saying he had been arrested and is in custody and I needed to get the children.
The police officer said he had had online sexual communication with a child and I think the rest of my day was a total haze. I got my children and the police officer emailed me later saying he had been released on bail and was only allowed supervised access with our children.
So on Monday I took them out for dinner and their dad tagged along. The kids were already thinking something was up, let alone me and their dad sitting next to each other. But I wanted to keep things as normal as possible for them and that meant seeing their dad.
I didnt hear anything else from anyone for days and could have almost forgotten what was going on. Then yesterday, social services rang me and told me all this extra information which shook me all over again and made me feel sick to my stomach. They then wanted me to inform my children's school, which I did, and they then closed the case.
Everyone else seems to have this ongoing support through things but because I'm his ex wife and live elsewhere, I've just been left to deal with it. But I have two children who are having limited contact with their dad and they're asking questions and I'm finding it so hard to put on this front of 'everything is okay' when in reality they might not see their dad again for years.
I dont know how to cope with any of this. I've tried being supportive of their dad, and don't get me wrong, i do want him to be okay and things to go back to normal but I don't know how they can. I'm not even with the man anymore but mine and my childrens lives have been changed by his actions.
Sorry for being all woe is me. I stumbled across this site and been reading for a couple of days. It seems so supportive and as much as i wouldn't wish this on anybody, it's a weight lifted knowing that someone else might understand.
My ex partner and I have 2 children together, 10 year old boy and 9 year old girl. We split in 2022. He met someone else and lives with her and her two boys and my two go over every other weekend and a night in the week. I live with my partner and he has his daughter every weekend.
Just over a week ago, I took my two to school and got on with my day. They were due to be picked up by their dad for the weekend.
I got a call about 10am saying he had been arrested and is in custody and I needed to get the children.
The police officer said he had had online sexual communication with a child and I think the rest of my day was a total haze. I got my children and the police officer emailed me later saying he had been released on bail and was only allowed supervised access with our children.
So on Monday I took them out for dinner and their dad tagged along. The kids were already thinking something was up, let alone me and their dad sitting next to each other. But I wanted to keep things as normal as possible for them and that meant seeing their dad.
I didnt hear anything else from anyone for days and could have almost forgotten what was going on. Then yesterday, social services rang me and told me all this extra information which shook me all over again and made me feel sick to my stomach. They then wanted me to inform my children's school, which I did, and they then closed the case.
Everyone else seems to have this ongoing support through things but because I'm his ex wife and live elsewhere, I've just been left to deal with it. But I have two children who are having limited contact with their dad and they're asking questions and I'm finding it so hard to put on this front of 'everything is okay' when in reality they might not see their dad again for years.
I dont know how to cope with any of this. I've tried being supportive of their dad, and don't get me wrong, i do want him to be okay and things to go back to normal but I don't know how they can. I'm not even with the man anymore but mine and my childrens lives have been changed by his actions.
Sorry for being all woe is me. I stumbled across this site and been reading for a couple of days. It seems so supportive and as much as i wouldn't wish this on anybody, it's a weight lifted knowing that someone else might understand.
Hi Roodle,
I'm so sorry you find yourself on this forum but welcome and hope you find support and comfort here over the next weeks and months.
Because you and your ex have children and he has been active in their lives despite you being divorced, SS will have a degree of interest in you and your arrangements, although not the bit where they deal with whether you hope for him to return to live with you again. As he's on bail SS rely on the conditions of that ie only having supervised contact with children where I assume they have OK'd you to be that supervision for when your two have contact with him. That also most likely means that he won't be able to have them to stay with him overnight wherever he is living at the moment, even with supervision in place.
I think many of us feel left high and dry and are expected to just get on with things (although I'm a mum and not a partner so it's a bit different) and although it comes with its own difficulties it seems to be best for their own well being that children continue to have contact with their father albeit different from how things have been before and only if they want to. Your worry that he will suddenly disappear totally is unlikely when it's taking months and even years for things to reach a court hearing and possibly a custodial sentence, for online offences (if there was no actual meeting up with the child), as all his devices have to be checked. So setting up a reasonable new way of them seeing their dad regularly is usually a good thing. If it's too much for you to tolerate (and absolutely no judgment if it is) perhaps you could ask a trusted family member or friend to be OK'd as the one supervising although this of course might be confusuing for your children. It's a rubbish situation for you to be in and perhaps at the moment you can't see a way to get past things but posting on here can be such a lifeline and you are absolutely NOT being at all 'woe is me'. We've all been there in various situations, and can attest to the fact that life does go on despite being the worst situation that many of us have ever been in.
Take care xx
I'm so sorry you find yourself on this forum but welcome and hope you find support and comfort here over the next weeks and months.
Because you and your ex have children and he has been active in their lives despite you being divorced, SS will have a degree of interest in you and your arrangements, although not the bit where they deal with whether you hope for him to return to live with you again. As he's on bail SS rely on the conditions of that ie only having supervised contact with children where I assume they have OK'd you to be that supervision for when your two have contact with him. That also most likely means that he won't be able to have them to stay with him overnight wherever he is living at the moment, even with supervision in place.
I think many of us feel left high and dry and are expected to just get on with things (although I'm a mum and not a partner so it's a bit different) and although it comes with its own difficulties it seems to be best for their own well being that children continue to have contact with their father albeit different from how things have been before and only if they want to. Your worry that he will suddenly disappear totally is unlikely when it's taking months and even years for things to reach a court hearing and possibly a custodial sentence, for online offences (if there was no actual meeting up with the child), as all his devices have to be checked. So setting up a reasonable new way of them seeing their dad regularly is usually a good thing. If it's too much for you to tolerate (and absolutely no judgment if it is) perhaps you could ask a trusted family member or friend to be OK'd as the one supervising although this of course might be confusuing for your children. It's a rubbish situation for you to be in and perhaps at the moment you can't see a way to get past things but posting on here can be such a lifeline and you are absolutely NOT being at all 'woe is me'. We've all been there in various situations, and can attest to the fact that life does go on despite being the worst situation that many of us have ever been in.
Take care xx
Hi,
I echo everything rainy day said. There isn't much in terms of ongoing support no matter what your relationship status is, just more involvement from ss if you stay in the relationship and want the person to continue to have contact. It is seen as more of a risk if you are in a relationship so the fact that your relationship seems to have ended years ago means that they don't see your children as at risk in that way.
I would say that the most pressing thing you face is what to tell your children. There is a discussion on here about that and I think it has information you may find useful. Use the search function and type telling children. There are also books, one that seems appropriate for your children's ages may be feeling happy, feeling safe. I haven't got it or read it so it's not a recommendation as such but it was in a pack I got from breaking the cycle. It discusses topics we would generally teach our children about but may lead into a conversation about how their dad didn't follow internet safety rules.
I don't want to sound disrespectful to ss but it's very unlikely that they will have been given all of the information as it's still an open investigation. I know that in my persons case the sw I had initially kind of filled in gaps in their information with what he thought was there rather than the actual facts confirmed to me by police.
If you are worried about your children and how they're coping with the changes you could speak to their school again and ask to set up regular meetings to discuss how they are within school whilst continuing to monitor at home. Answer their questions as honestly as you can for their levels of understanding and keep that communication open. If you have a good co parenting relationship you could ask your ex if he is able to give you full disclosure so you will be able to speak to his solicitor about the things ss have told you. You can also call the lff helpline and request to do the inform course to gain an understanding of why he may have offended in this way.
Love and strength to you and your children xxx
I echo everything rainy day said. There isn't much in terms of ongoing support no matter what your relationship status is, just more involvement from ss if you stay in the relationship and want the person to continue to have contact. It is seen as more of a risk if you are in a relationship so the fact that your relationship seems to have ended years ago means that they don't see your children as at risk in that way.
I would say that the most pressing thing you face is what to tell your children. There is a discussion on here about that and I think it has information you may find useful. Use the search function and type telling children. There are also books, one that seems appropriate for your children's ages may be feeling happy, feeling safe. I haven't got it or read it so it's not a recommendation as such but it was in a pack I got from breaking the cycle. It discusses topics we would generally teach our children about but may lead into a conversation about how their dad didn't follow internet safety rules.
I don't want to sound disrespectful to ss but it's very unlikely that they will have been given all of the information as it's still an open investigation. I know that in my persons case the sw I had initially kind of filled in gaps in their information with what he thought was there rather than the actual facts confirmed to me by police.
If you are worried about your children and how they're coping with the changes you could speak to their school again and ask to set up regular meetings to discuss how they are within school whilst continuing to monitor at home. Answer their questions as honestly as you can for their levels of understanding and keep that communication open. If you have a good co parenting relationship you could ask your ex if he is able to give you full disclosure so you will be able to speak to his solicitor about the things ss have told you. You can also call the lff helpline and request to do the inform course to gain an understanding of why he may have offended in this way.
Love and strength to you and your children xxx