Advice on friends and the future
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My person is my sibling and we had the knock in summer last year, they're on bail right now. I'm pregnant, but my husband and I decided that my sibling would not have any involvement with baby as this would mean SS in our lives and we don't want that. My husband cut contact but I still speak to my sibling every now and then and see them very occasionally.
After months of keeping this big secret to just the immediate family, I told my closest friend. It was hard and she struggled with the news. Like all of my friends, she has met my sibling multiple times, and it was a shock finding out as I think it is for all of us. She was also SA as a child, so of course the subject of any IIOC/CSA brings up past trauma, however, she doesn't have children of her own and despite her own feelings, she did say she could see how much I was struggling to come to terms with what had happened and was glad I told her now as if she found out down the line (e.g. via media) it would end our friendship.
She thinks I need to cut my sibling off completely, not just from seeing baby but that I should have no contact at all, because if their case makes it to the media it will be really, really, awfully bad (there are 1000s of images of videos... to put it bluntly, the media will have a field day) and of course people know we're siblings... we run in the same circles, had the same friends and colleagues etc. if this does come out I feel like we will lose everyone and my friend is right in saying I need to protect myself and my new family from as much of that as possible by taking my family away from it and being able to say I've cut contact because as we all know, if you stand by someone to support them, the individual, you get villainised as supporting their actions when that just isn't the case. My friend understands that isn't the case with me because I could tell her the whole story, she watched me breakdown and fall to pieces, she's seen how different a person I have become and she saw the anger in me at my sibling actions, but if this gets into the media I won't have chance to do that with every person I know, and frankly I don't want to have to explain myself to so many people.
It's so hard. I love my sibling dearly, I struggle immensely with that they have done and it has had a huge impact on me now and will do for the rest of our lives, mentally and logistically with family events etc. but I don't feel ready to completely cut them out of my life, it's not what I want but I'm also terrified of the consequences of not doing, the questions that are going to be asked when people find out that my sibling has no contact with baby but I still do, it screams suspicious to me and I know what's going on! How do I answer those questions without outing everything and ruining us? Do I tell my closest friends now before any of this happens so hopefully they don't cut me off if it does come out? Then where is the line, should my husband tell his family and friends too so everyone has a forewarning? What if it doesn't reach the media and we lose people over something we could have taken to the grave....
To add to it, my husband's sibling has recently decided to cut me out of their and my niece's life. This came about from a lengthy argument unrelated to this topic but they have turned around and said I have acted "disgustingly" towards my niece. This was only said after I refused to meet them to try to resolve the argument because it will lead to more arguments which I don't want to do whilst heavily pregnant and dealing with my own family problems! I'm also not sure what actions I've done to their child that constitute disgusting honestly (as far as I'm aware, the only thing it could possibly be is because I nearly knocked her over a few months ago and in trying not to I said "for f***'s sake", not aimed at the child, just at nearly causing an unsteady toddler to fall ove, pretty normal reaction IMO but they're over reacting because I am not doing what they want, anyway, that's a different topic...) what they have said has really dragged all of this about my sibling back up for me because of that word. Disgusting. It's awful isn't it? but that's how I feel, that's the word and reaction I feel when I think about my siblings actions, and now all I associate "disgusting" with is those actions. I can't get my head around it. I feel like they've put me in a box with my sibling when they don't even know what's happened (I know that's just my own anxiety and troubles coming through but my god have I cried over that one little word). I honestly dread to think of their reaction if they find out about what's happened.
I have no idea what to do but I'm so terrified of what's to come and at a time when I should be so excited for baby's arrival, I'm thinking about all the ways our lives are different and more complicated and horrible now.
After months of keeping this big secret to just the immediate family, I told my closest friend. It was hard and she struggled with the news. Like all of my friends, she has met my sibling multiple times, and it was a shock finding out as I think it is for all of us. She was also SA as a child, so of course the subject of any IIOC/CSA brings up past trauma, however, she doesn't have children of her own and despite her own feelings, she did say she could see how much I was struggling to come to terms with what had happened and was glad I told her now as if she found out down the line (e.g. via media) it would end our friendship.
She thinks I need to cut my sibling off completely, not just from seeing baby but that I should have no contact at all, because if their case makes it to the media it will be really, really, awfully bad (there are 1000s of images of videos... to put it bluntly, the media will have a field day) and of course people know we're siblings... we run in the same circles, had the same friends and colleagues etc. if this does come out I feel like we will lose everyone and my friend is right in saying I need to protect myself and my new family from as much of that as possible by taking my family away from it and being able to say I've cut contact because as we all know, if you stand by someone to support them, the individual, you get villainised as supporting their actions when that just isn't the case. My friend understands that isn't the case with me because I could tell her the whole story, she watched me breakdown and fall to pieces, she's seen how different a person I have become and she saw the anger in me at my sibling actions, but if this gets into the media I won't have chance to do that with every person I know, and frankly I don't want to have to explain myself to so many people.
It's so hard. I love my sibling dearly, I struggle immensely with that they have done and it has had a huge impact on me now and will do for the rest of our lives, mentally and logistically with family events etc. but I don't feel ready to completely cut them out of my life, it's not what I want but I'm also terrified of the consequences of not doing, the questions that are going to be asked when people find out that my sibling has no contact with baby but I still do, it screams suspicious to me and I know what's going on! How do I answer those questions without outing everything and ruining us? Do I tell my closest friends now before any of this happens so hopefully they don't cut me off if it does come out? Then where is the line, should my husband tell his family and friends too so everyone has a forewarning? What if it doesn't reach the media and we lose people over something we could have taken to the grave....
To add to it, my husband's sibling has recently decided to cut me out of their and my niece's life. This came about from a lengthy argument unrelated to this topic but they have turned around and said I have acted "disgustingly" towards my niece. This was only said after I refused to meet them to try to resolve the argument because it will lead to more arguments which I don't want to do whilst heavily pregnant and dealing with my own family problems! I'm also not sure what actions I've done to their child that constitute disgusting honestly (as far as I'm aware, the only thing it could possibly be is because I nearly knocked her over a few months ago and in trying not to I said "for f***'s sake", not aimed at the child, just at nearly causing an unsteady toddler to fall ove, pretty normal reaction IMO but they're over reacting because I am not doing what they want, anyway, that's a different topic...) what they have said has really dragged all of this about my sibling back up for me because of that word. Disgusting. It's awful isn't it? but that's how I feel, that's the word and reaction I feel when I think about my siblings actions, and now all I associate "disgusting" with is those actions. I can't get my head around it. I feel like they've put me in a box with my sibling when they don't even know what's happened (I know that's just my own anxiety and troubles coming through but my god have I cried over that one little word). I honestly dread to think of their reaction if they find out about what's happened.
I have no idea what to do but I'm so terrified of what's to come and at a time when I should be so excited for baby's arrival, I'm thinking about all the ways our lives are different and more complicated and horrible now.
Couldn't read and run. I am so sorry for the situation you find yourself in.
It isn't necessarily published in the media.
There's so many indecent images cases nowadays that the media won't attend/publish every trial.
You're also entitled to your own feelings.
It is you who is going through this specific trauma, not your friend.
If you don't want to cut contact, that's fine. If you want to cut contact at some point in the future, that's also okay.
You have to take 1 day at a time in this situation, the investigation is likely to take a long time anyway.
You have to do what's best for you and don't let anyone put pressure on you xx
It isn't necessarily published in the media.
There's so many indecent images cases nowadays that the media won't attend/publish every trial.
You're also entitled to your own feelings.
It is you who is going through this specific trauma, not your friend.
If you don't want to cut contact, that's fine. If you want to cut contact at some point in the future, that's also okay.
You have to take 1 day at a time in this situation, the investigation is likely to take a long time anyway.
You have to do what's best for you and don't let anyone put pressure on you xx
I'm sorry you're going through this.
She would have cut contact with you if she had found out on media? About something your brother did and had nothing to do with you nor your friend? What kind of a friend is that? You deserve better.
Second of all, even if the case did hit media, I have never seen an article where they specifically mention that the offender still speaks to his siblings/s. It doesn't get me mentioned. You are safe. The decision is yours and your friend should support this. Not give you ultimatums.
Your husband's family sound unpleasant to say the least. Is your husband on your side? Is it possible he has told them about your brother and that's why they're calling you disgusting? Either way, it might be a blessing they've cut you out as you don't need their negativity in your life. Remember it works both ways, you are under no obligation to let them meet your baby when they're here.
She would have cut contact with you if she had found out on media? About something your brother did and had nothing to do with you nor your friend? What kind of a friend is that? You deserve better.
Second of all, even if the case did hit media, I have never seen an article where they specifically mention that the offender still speaks to his siblings/s. It doesn't get me mentioned. You are safe. The decision is yours and your friend should support this. Not give you ultimatums.
Your husband's family sound unpleasant to say the least. Is your husband on your side? Is it possible he has told them about your brother and that's why they're calling you disgusting? Either way, it might be a blessing they've cut you out as you don't need their negativity in your life. Remember it works both ways, you are under no obligation to let them meet your baby when they're here.
I'm so sorry you are in this situation and that you are facing all these issues with friends and family when what you really need at the moment is support, understanding and kindness. Although your friend may have good intentions she is not helping you by telling you what you need to do. That needs to be your decision and their role as a friend is to support you in your decision.
Yes your sibling's case might come out in the media but that shouldn't reflect on you. You're right in that this should be a happy and exciting time for you, so for the sake of you and your baby, you might want to limit the people you have around you at the moment to only those who make you feel good.
Yes your sibling's case might come out in the media but that shouldn't reflect on you. You're right in that this should be a happy and exciting time for you, so for the sake of you and your baby, you might want to limit the people you have around you at the moment to only those who make you feel good.
I am so sorry you are going through this, we all have enough on our plate without friends complicating things. I say go with your gut feeling. My immediate thoughts are similar to Hopelessscared, it says more about them than in does about you. It sounds like it inconveniences their life to be associated with the sibling of an offender and that is why they want you to cut ties.
The other thing I thought is that although it's utterly shocking dealing with what our loved ones have done, they seriously need help and maybe you are the one to steer him in the right direction. Sounds like you realise this.
It's such a difficult one but I would go with your gut feeling on this one.
With regards to your husbands sister, she sounds like she would be one to watch if it all came out in the media, a bit like my sister in law too. Best of luck and keep us posted X
The other thing I thought is that although it's utterly shocking dealing with what our loved ones have done, they seriously need help and maybe you are the one to steer him in the right direction. Sounds like you realise this.
It's such a difficult one but I would go with your gut feeling on this one.
With regards to your husbands sister, she sounds like she would be one to watch if it all came out in the media, a bit like my sister in law too. Best of luck and keep us posted X