Family and Friends Forum

Hi,

I can completely understand your feelings. I've experienced similar with my partner and we are 3 and a half years down the line. I'm still processing what has happened, I didn't ask all the questions that I had at the time because he was remanded and then I had a newborn to look after.
Sometimes we talk and he'll say things like I can't actually put myself back in that place because he's moved on so much. He has done a lot of work on himself and is more able to communicate with me but we're at completely different stages and I do find this difficult at times.

There are things I know I'll never ask now but when it first happened they were very important to me. The things I see as important now are him being able to spot the signs and seeking help for his mental health, talking to me about whatever is on his mind and being honest with me about his struggle with porn addiction. What kind of thing did you want him to answer? Have you done any of the courses available? xxx

I feel the same even though the knock was only last summer.... there was good disclosure over the summer forced by the social services assessment that I felt positive at that stage but now looking back on it I was in shock / trauma over the whole period that I too now have more questions about 1) how he got into porm 2) how much was he using when we met 3) where there periods he did not look at it? length of these 4) how much was he aware of the illegal nature of the images 5) when did he feel he moved from the legal to illegal ? etc

For me I think it is a lot about the question of trust having been lied to and how you actually rebuild this without checking up on them all the time.

It's hard to move forward and learn to trust again that's definitely something many will empathise with. Some considerations I've looked at myself are: He may not have the answers you're looking for. He may not understand how he ended up there himself. If he gives you answers will you believe him? How we all move forward is very personal to each of us. Have you sought therapy for yourself to support your own recovery from the trauma? I'm working on rebuilding myself though I choose to stay in my marriage. I hope you find a way forward that brings you peace x

Jo,

the inform course through lff and breaking the cycle through circles south east.
The question above about how much would you believe if he could answer your questions is interesting. I think that's kind of how I've felt, at the point of offending he wasn't someone I could trust so any answers to specific questions will feel like a continuation of the lies. I listen when he talks about how he got to the place of offending which he has tried to piece together through engage plus and the horizon course. This is enough for me as things stand. I'm never going to be able to accept the path he chose so no amount of questioning is going to be helpful xx

I've got lots of questions but I think even if I ask them I won't get the truth sadly. The trust has gone and I can't stay with someone I don't trust. Maybe there were cracks in my marriage that I didn't see or acknowledge - but it's over.

I still have so many questions I need answers to but my OH was too fragile and like a rabbit in the headlights to get any truth from him. After the knock we were all in shock . But now , since court, I feel I need to know everything so that I can move on and make informed decisions but on the other hand I know it is possible if I know everything I might not be able to continue to be in his life .

I think it is also necessary to reflect on why you want to know what you want to know.

I have questions going through my head every day and sometimes I want to know every detail. But then I wonder what for? I now know the biggest part of it, does it really matter when, how, how often? I think that would distress me even more and would just make my road to recovery more complicated. What is most important is that my OH is addressing these questions somehow, but maybe I am not the right person. This of course is hurtful to admit because my OH and I share a lot of things but I also cannot force him to open up to me and thinking that it may negatively impact his recovery makes me stop in my tracks from asking questions.

I am trying to see this behaviour as something that is in the past, something to be moved on from. A little bit like a scary movie. It was horrible and what good is it to revisit and to find out all the details of just how horrible it was? I don't know if that makes any sense, but that's what I am trying to tell myself to deal wit this curiosity of mine.

I certainly know there are (harmless and legal) things in my past I wouldn't want to disclose to anyone, I spoke to a therapist about them years ago and I am not that person anymore. I am very thankful for all the people that let me move on from this and don't bring it up anymore now that I have changed and I am trying to extend that courtesy to my OH, even though I am still at the very beginning of this journey and the questions do come rushing into my head several times a day. I tell myself that it's no use when that happens, or I write them down somewhere to get them out of my system

Silent Sea, thanks for your post. I have the same thoughts about whether it will falter my OH 's recovery if I ask for full disclosure and that is why I haven't pushed. My OH has a community order and community service and is talking to professionals. My worry is the what if he returns to that behaviour. I have read on here that people are able to watch out for signs. I am also being mindful of what I need to be in place for my own recovery.

Cassiopeia - thank you for your kind reply and that is my exact same worry at the moment. Relapses are unfortunately never completely out of the question and sometimes I tell myself that is why I need to know the whole truth about the past even if it hurts me. But then again - it may be better to know some general signs and work with a counsellor to know how best to support the other person and not push for "the whole truth".

Trust seems to be the key and building trust again takes time. My OH also talks about the future a lot and when I am in doubt I am just thinking that one of the things that will keep him from reoffending is not to destroy that future and that through professional help he will know how not to do that (which is what he didn't know before - thus the repeated offending and him being stuck in a destructive cycle)

Hi Silent Sea, your post is very comforting. I am very much the same and was thinking I was burying my head in the sand. My OH is having weekly therapy weekly and is very open about what he's discussed. Thank you for sharing x