In hell
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Day 3 since that dreadful morning knock where my husband was arrested for iioc and I am really not coping. I haven't eaten for 3 days and have only slept a few hours since all this began. I don't even feel tired even though I know I must be. Its as if the stress is just coursing through my veins keeping me awake to feel every agonising moment.
I have moved out - back to my parents for support as we have 2 children that he cannot be around and he has been bailed back to home address. I am just so broken. The social worker basically told me to think of the future as a single mother and move on now. He isn't allowed supervised visits at the moment so he is struggling massively as well as our children who are crying to see him and cant understand why they cant
Does anyone know what happens regarding the children if he is charged and sentenced? Will he ever be allowed to see them again? Will it always have to be supervised?
Our life was perfect before this we had everything. I just dont know how to carry on. I have no strength for this.
I have moved out - back to my parents for support as we have 2 children that he cannot be around and he has been bailed back to home address. I am just so broken. The social worker basically told me to think of the future as a single mother and move on now. He isn't allowed supervised visits at the moment so he is struggling massively as well as our children who are crying to see him and cant understand why they cant
Does anyone know what happens regarding the children if he is charged and sentenced? Will he ever be allowed to see them again? Will it always have to be supervised?
Our life was perfect before this we had everything. I just dont know how to carry on. I have no strength for this.
I'm so sorry you are going through this and I know all the forum members here will help and support you.
I am also sorry to hear the message you received from the SW - how incredibly unhelpful. In time I and other women on here can help you challenge that narrative, as unless your husband shows specific risk of contact offending towards your children there is no reason for him not to have contact with them.
Just over a year on from the knock, we have been through sentencing and my husband is in the process of moving back into the family home, and is starting to have some unsupervised contact. It has taken lots of work but we are getting there. Unfortunately all social services operate slightly differently so sometimes it is up to us as mum's to educate them on the risks, and to do our own safety planning
I hope your family is being kind and supportive. I would also suggest ringing the helpline now it's open again after the weekend as they are very good and supportive and helped me in the early days
I am also sorry to hear the message you received from the SW - how incredibly unhelpful. In time I and other women on here can help you challenge that narrative, as unless your husband shows specific risk of contact offending towards your children there is no reason for him not to have contact with them.
Just over a year on from the knock, we have been through sentencing and my husband is in the process of moving back into the family home, and is starting to have some unsupervised contact. It has taken lots of work but we are getting there. Unfortunately all social services operate slightly differently so sometimes it is up to us as mum's to educate them on the risks, and to do our own safety planning
I hope your family is being kind and supportive. I would also suggest ringing the helpline now it's open again after the weekend as they are very good and supportive and helped me in the early days
I am so sorry to read your on this awful journey my best advice is to speak to the helpline it took me a long time to contact them I suffered in silence and that was not good for me, we are passed sentencing and attempting to move forward, please message If I can help in anyway x
Oh I'm so sorry that you are having to go through this - most of us will identify with how you are feeling and the strength of your emotions as we have been there as well (whether partners, parents or other family members) It really is such early days and absolutely not helpful for a SW to be more or less telling you or assuming that you would definitely decide to be a single mother. Certainly in these days, when that is how it has to be with no partner to share the parenting role, you may well feel like one, but it doesn't need to stay that way and it's good that you have family to support you at this raw time. It will be your choice about your relationship once you can get some ideas about why your person has offended like this as there are many factors which could be in the mix. Is your OH on conditional bail? Is it stating he can't be alone with under 18 year olds? if so (a common bail condition) then there is no reason why he shouldn't have supervised contact with your children. SS will need to DBS check anyone who offers to supervise so it doesn't have to be you necessarily. He probably can't stay overnight but it's very usual for visits to be allowed whether in the home or out in the community (parks, soft play centres etc). This could be different if the offences include contact ones and if your children are old enough the SW should talk to them just to check they don't disclose anything about their dad. Your children are obviously missing daddy and any SW should be considering them alongside safeguarding them from harm. That is where the supervision comes in. As you progress on this horrid journey you will come to realise the tightrope we have to walk so as to not look as if we're being naive or excusing the offence (which of course we're not!) but also sticking to our guns about what's a safe and achievable way to lessen upset to our children. A good SW will aim for this but I’m afraid some LAs or individual SWs would rather use a ‘one size fits all’ approach.
This present hell will pass in time and I hope your family are being supportive and not pushing you to make decisions, but just caring for you. Big hug sent x
PS the suggestion about the helpline is a good one plus there's lots of info on the LFF website about online offending.
This present hell will pass in time and I hope your family are being supportive and not pushing you to make decisions, but just caring for you. Big hug sent x
PS the suggestion about the helpline is a good one plus there's lots of info on the LFF website about online offending.
It's the worst kind of hell and sadly we have all been through it or are going through it so we understand . I called the helpline and it was absolutely the best decision as not only did they support me but they supported my OH straight away with some advice on tricky situations . I also went to my doctor . I was given all sorts, none of which helped and in the end the best advise for me from one doctor was that I should just allow myself to feel it but she put me on the waiting list for a NHS counsellor. The counsellor really helped me with practical ways of coping . When I experienced the knock and for a good while later I couldn't bear to read the messages on the forum as it sent my stress levels through the roof , it was all new info and too much . But I did attend an inform course which helped enormously . The women on that group and I are still in touch and supporting each other . I also now see a private counsellor. I feel very supported by being able to do this . Be very kind to yourself . I took up swimming as I found it really helped me manage my stress in the early days and I have continued with that . The women in the forum are so supportive, lean on us. I am glad you have your families support I have had that too.
Thank you for your replies i feel so incredibly alone right now. Yes his bail conditions say no contact with under 18s. I was told contact won't be happening anytime soon until we learn if he is being charged or not which is going to be months..my mind is just all over the place right now.
if the investigation goes on for a long time, your husband will be Released Under Investigation rather than bailed. Bail can only be continued for a certain amount of time
once he is RUI the contact restrictions from his bail will cease.
i hope this give you some hope.
My OH was also convicted of IIOC possession. He wasn't allowed unsupervised contact while awaiting trial, but once convicted we have worked with social services to move back to gradual unsupervised contact.
this is a horrid time, the first days and weeks are the worst. But please be aware that this does pass and we are all here to support you
x
once he is RUI the contact restrictions from his bail will cease.
i hope this give you some hope.
My OH was also convicted of IIOC possession. He wasn't allowed unsupervised contact while awaiting trial, but once convicted we have worked with social services to move back to gradual unsupervised contact.
this is a horrid time, the first days and weeks are the worst. But please be aware that this does pass and we are all here to support you
x
Just want to reiterate the support, we all understand the trauma you are going through right now.
Do the bail conditions say no contact at all or no unsupervised contact?
With OH it said no unsupervised contact so a couple of weeks down the line we got into a pattern of him being in the house in the day / evening (with my supervision of the children) and then he would leave to sleep in a rented room as we had no family near by.
It is all so overwhelming in those early days and so isolating but you do get through it..... it is not just what he has done that it is overwhelming, it is the aspects of single parenting that are just so terrible.
He got the help he needed with a stopso counsellor and joining a SAA group so in the end his is now becoming a better husband.
So 6 months down the line he is now on RUI rather than bail, and he is able to live back at home with supervised contact (he is in the spare room), and life is starting to get back to "normal".
There is no update on the devices, his case is low priority so we will be in this limbo I fear for a long time...... I have mourned the life I though I was going to have and starting to readjust now at 9 months with a life with children constantly in tow, little white lies on what husband can't help with anything etc. I am building up a network of babysitters and other child care help which he pays for to start to move on and get my social life back too.
I would also recommend doing the inform course for parents as soon as you can as that really helped me understand and also form a support group with others on the course..... plus also the helpline, I don't call so often now but I was calling weekly to have a good cry and ask questions.
Do the bail conditions say no contact at all or no unsupervised contact?
With OH it said no unsupervised contact so a couple of weeks down the line we got into a pattern of him being in the house in the day / evening (with my supervision of the children) and then he would leave to sleep in a rented room as we had no family near by.
It is all so overwhelming in those early days and so isolating but you do get through it..... it is not just what he has done that it is overwhelming, it is the aspects of single parenting that are just so terrible.
He got the help he needed with a stopso counsellor and joining a SAA group so in the end his is now becoming a better husband.
So 6 months down the line he is now on RUI rather than bail, and he is able to live back at home with supervised contact (he is in the spare room), and life is starting to get back to "normal".
There is no update on the devices, his case is low priority so we will be in this limbo I fear for a long time...... I have mourned the life I though I was going to have and starting to readjust now at 9 months with a life with children constantly in tow, little white lies on what husband can't help with anything etc. I am building up a network of babysitters and other child care help which he pays for to start to move on and get my social life back too.
I would also recommend doing the inform course for parents as soon as you can as that really helped me understand and also form a support group with others on the course..... plus also the helpline, I don't call so often now but I was calling weekly to have a good cry and ask questions.
I know how you feel. I'm at the beginning of the horrible journey too. Day 8. Phoning the helpline and posting here gave me great support. Thinking if you x
Bless you and so sorry for reading your story which I can relate to.
My now ex was arrested last Nov. Slightly different case as the IIOC was a older teen he knew sent by someone he was seeing. I know.. so it's treated as an online offence in some respects but he has met the young person before as well (nothing illegal happened just present in the home while he was visiting said woman).
I have two children from a previous relationship and now a single mother (again) as we had just bought our first home together last July. He's living in a flat 3 miles away now on his own. I don't think we will ever re form as a "family" now. Social care have closed the case as the relationship has ended and they are happy I've not asked for any contact and the girls confirm no worries or concerns and that we have all stuck to bail conditions.
12 weeks down the line emotions are not as bad as they are but starting to feel the anxiety build towards bail date even though it's likely to be extended.
My now ex was arrested last Nov. Slightly different case as the IIOC was a older teen he knew sent by someone he was seeing. I know.. so it's treated as an online offence in some respects but he has met the young person before as well (nothing illegal happened just present in the home while he was visiting said woman).
I have two children from a previous relationship and now a single mother (again) as we had just bought our first home together last July. He's living in a flat 3 miles away now on his own. I don't think we will ever re form as a "family" now. Social care have closed the case as the relationship has ended and they are happy I've not asked for any contact and the girls confirm no worries or concerns and that we have all stuck to bail conditions.
12 weeks down the line emotions are not as bad as they are but starting to feel the anxiety build towards bail date even though it's likely to be extended.