How to trust
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Hello everyone,
I am at the beginning of my journey. I have of course toyed with the idea of leaving my OH, it felt like such a betrayal and I grieved for days on end because the person I thought I knew never even existed.
My OH shows so much remorse, gave me so much space. I even saw him cry, in all the years I have known him, I saw him cry two other times. That's how I know he meant what he said, that he knew how much he messed up.
He said he hoped we can work through it and the helpline certainly has helped me a lot. I know it is a very personal decision whether to stay or not. But at the end of the day I cannot help but love my OH and I know he can do better and become the beautiful person I believe he is. I also realise that his behaviour has nothing to do with me, he went down this road years before he even met me.
The thing that is currently eating away at me most is the fear of him reoffending/lying to me again. I do not want to become one of those partners that constantly control other people, at the end of the day that won't do anything, just drive me insane. I am coming to terms with the fact that my life has been an illusion and I am accepting the fact that I cannot change what has happened and the only thing to do now is to work towards a better future.
But I am just so scared of him relapsing, not telling me and then the whole spiral starting again. How do you all deal with this whole trust issue? I also realise it will take time but some helpful advice would be appreciated.
Thank you
I am at the beginning of my journey. I have of course toyed with the idea of leaving my OH, it felt like such a betrayal and I grieved for days on end because the person I thought I knew never even existed.
My OH shows so much remorse, gave me so much space. I even saw him cry, in all the years I have known him, I saw him cry two other times. That's how I know he meant what he said, that he knew how much he messed up.
He said he hoped we can work through it and the helpline certainly has helped me a lot. I know it is a very personal decision whether to stay or not. But at the end of the day I cannot help but love my OH and I know he can do better and become the beautiful person I believe he is. I also realise that his behaviour has nothing to do with me, he went down this road years before he even met me.
The thing that is currently eating away at me most is the fear of him reoffending/lying to me again. I do not want to become one of those partners that constantly control other people, at the end of the day that won't do anything, just drive me insane. I am coming to terms with the fact that my life has been an illusion and I am accepting the fact that I cannot change what has happened and the only thing to do now is to work towards a better future.
But I am just so scared of him relapsing, not telling me and then the whole spiral starting again. How do you all deal with this whole trust issue? I also realise it will take time but some helpful advice would be appreciated.
Thank you
Hi,
I'm 3 and a half years down the line and everything you've said feels like I could have written it now.
My person has 2 years left of monitoring and SOR and has monitoring software on devices. We've discussed the options of monitoring apps that send reports to me which he is actually more open to than I am. He has said that I can check his phone and laptop but I never have as that feels like crossing a line to me. This situation is completely abnormal so I can understand why he would think that would help me to trust him again but unfortunately I think it would drive me crazy and have the opposite effect regarding trust.
I've done a lot of work around spotting signs of offending so I feel confident that he isn't but the police software does give me more confidence of this. I'm on the fence with the apps. He also knows that I wouldn't stand by him in any way if he reoffended, as painful as it would be I would walk away completely xxx
I'm 3 and a half years down the line and everything you've said feels like I could have written it now.
My person has 2 years left of monitoring and SOR and has monitoring software on devices. We've discussed the options of monitoring apps that send reports to me which he is actually more open to than I am. He has said that I can check his phone and laptop but I never have as that feels like crossing a line to me. This situation is completely abnormal so I can understand why he would think that would help me to trust him again but unfortunately I think it would drive me crazy and have the opposite effect regarding trust.
I've done a lot of work around spotting signs of offending so I feel confident that he isn't but the police software does give me more confidence of this. I'm on the fence with the apps. He also knows that I wouldn't stand by him in any way if he reoffended, as painful as it would be I would walk away completely xxx
Sorry to hear you are also on this journey. Sending lots of love and care to you.
Regards risks of reoffending, this is something I think we all worry about. Statistically, reoffending rates are extremely low (people have posted links on this before if you have a search), but if course it does happen.
I would recommend getting your partner into therapy with a stopso therapist to unpick why the behaviour occured and ways to reduce the risk for the future. He can also do the LFF inform course, and you can also do a shorter course from LFF for free, to support your understanding too. It's very good and should reduce the risk of reoffending.
We have an app called ever accountable, which was my husband's idea. Like the person above I was a bit worried but it has been absolutely brilliant. For him it's about accountability for his pornography addiction, and when he is tempted to look at pornography remembering the app is there breaks up his thoughts patterns. He thinks It would have been much harder to break his pattern of behaviour/resist temptation without that permanent accountability. It would be possible for me to look at everything he is doing on every device he has signed up to it, but I very rarely look - only if it sends me an alert (which is usually because I've sent him a message with three kisses on, lol).
Of course, he could have a different accountability partner, it doesn't have to be you, but this depends on him wanting to confide in someone else and trusting them which is difficult, hence why I do this for my husband
Regards risks of reoffending, this is something I think we all worry about. Statistically, reoffending rates are extremely low (people have posted links on this before if you have a search), but if course it does happen.
I would recommend getting your partner into therapy with a stopso therapist to unpick why the behaviour occured and ways to reduce the risk for the future. He can also do the LFF inform course, and you can also do a shorter course from LFF for free, to support your understanding too. It's very good and should reduce the risk of reoffending.
We have an app called ever accountable, which was my husband's idea. Like the person above I was a bit worried but it has been absolutely brilliant. For him it's about accountability for his pornography addiction, and when he is tempted to look at pornography remembering the app is there breaks up his thoughts patterns. He thinks It would have been much harder to break his pattern of behaviour/resist temptation without that permanent accountability. It would be possible for me to look at everything he is doing on every device he has signed up to it, but I very rarely look - only if it sends me an alert (which is usually because I've sent him a message with three kisses on, lol).
Of course, he could have a different accountability partner, it doesn't have to be you, but this depends on him wanting to confide in someone else and trusting them which is difficult, hence why I do this for my husband
Hi silent sea,
I’m so sorry you find yourself here with all of us it’s a journey I never imagined to be on but here we are. I’m 5 years from my partners offence (just coming to the end of a 14 month prison sentence) and even to this day I do worry about this.
I think the regaining of trust will very much come with how he reacts and what he does. your feelings are and always will be very valid and he will need to put the work in to prove to you that he’s worthy of your trust again.
In the early days the little things that did help us was that when he got his new phone or any device it didn’t have a password so I could look whenever I wanted and as much as I thought I’d want to check all the time, I surprising didn’t. He also attended the Lucy faithful course and therapy without being pushed to do so and he would go through this with me to show me he truly understood how he ended up where he did, him being so open and honest with me really helped with starting to trust him again. I set that boundary after his arrest that if he did not pull himself together I would leave in a heartbeat. I’ve been fortunate that in the time waiting for his sentence and then even his time in prison he has shown up everyday which has helped me massively move past what he did but he knows that if he reoffended I would leave him.
I second what distressed has said about the police software giving a peace of mind. It helps to know that he will be monitored for the next few years through his probation and offending officer, as although I have regained a lot of trust back with him I don’t feel I have to worry constantly about him lying to me or hiding anything as if he was he would be caught out anyway. I also have done a lot of work around spotting the signs so I would like to think I would spot it instantly if his behaviour did change for any reason xx
I’m so sorry you find yourself here with all of us it’s a journey I never imagined to be on but here we are. I’m 5 years from my partners offence (just coming to the end of a 14 month prison sentence) and even to this day I do worry about this.
I think the regaining of trust will very much come with how he reacts and what he does. your feelings are and always will be very valid and he will need to put the work in to prove to you that he’s worthy of your trust again.
In the early days the little things that did help us was that when he got his new phone or any device it didn’t have a password so I could look whenever I wanted and as much as I thought I’d want to check all the time, I surprising didn’t. He also attended the Lucy faithful course and therapy without being pushed to do so and he would go through this with me to show me he truly understood how he ended up where he did, him being so open and honest with me really helped with starting to trust him again. I set that boundary after his arrest that if he did not pull himself together I would leave in a heartbeat. I’ve been fortunate that in the time waiting for his sentence and then even his time in prison he has shown up everyday which has helped me massively move past what he did but he knows that if he reoffended I would leave him.
I second what distressed has said about the police software giving a peace of mind. It helps to know that he will be monitored for the next few years through his probation and offending officer, as although I have regained a lot of trust back with him I don’t feel I have to worry constantly about him lying to me or hiding anything as if he was he would be caught out anyway. I also have done a lot of work around spotting the signs so I would like to think I would spot it instantly if his behaviour did change for any reason xx
This is where I am struggling oh has no shpo at all and now his supervisor and police liaison are suggesting he stops going to SAA as this doesn't look good on him, I am scared that if he stops SAA he may return to porn, it was proved it was an accidental click but what if it happens again
Does he have porn addition? We also don't have a shpo so the app is helpful in that regard, for me
If he doesn't and it was a truly accidental click then perhaps SAA isn't needed, however if he does and it helps I cannot see why on earth it would be taken as a negative - every professional I've spoken to sees it as a positive
If he doesn't and it was a truly accidental click then perhaps SAA isn't needed, however if he does and it helps I cannot see why on earth it would be taken as a negative - every professional I've spoken to sees it as a positive
Thank you all for your kind responses!
I know about the apps and they definitely seem to be a good idea. But I can be a very obsessive person and I fear that even for innocent things I would start to catastrophise in my head.
We haven't found out yet what exactly the issue is, if it is addiction, I am hoping that maybe he could join a group and someone on there could be the ally but that is of course a stretch.
My OH is very ashamed and doesn't have a lot of close friends he trusts, his family is a bit conservative as well. So maybe I will have to be the one who checks but I'm worried it will drive me insane or that I will check every 10 minutes or so... I don't have the best track record letting go of things or not check up on people too much
(I also set the boundary that it simply cannot happen again and my OH agrees which is a good sign.)
I know about the apps and they definitely seem to be a good idea. But I can be a very obsessive person and I fear that even for innocent things I would start to catastrophise in my head.
We haven't found out yet what exactly the issue is, if it is addiction, I am hoping that maybe he could join a group and someone on there could be the ally but that is of course a stretch.
My OH is very ashamed and doesn't have a lot of close friends he trusts, his family is a bit conservative as well. So maybe I will have to be the one who checks but I'm worried it will drive me insane or that I will check every 10 minutes or so... I don't have the best track record letting go of things or not check up on people too much
(I also set the boundary that it simply cannot happen again and my OH agrees which is a good sign.)
I am finding building the trust back is going to take time . I have heard two phrases lately that really struck me - behaviour is a language and when someone shows you who they are , believe them the first time . These two phrases kind of haunt me at present . I want to believe my OH can never return to that behaviour and be open and transparent but he is not there yet.
Our people have to hold accountability not only for their actions past but for those they make in the future. What lead them here is complex but their responsibility. What choices they make going forward are their responsibility. I choose to love, support and remain in partnership with my husband going forward but he is accountable for himself x