Reflection and Hope
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I'm just sitting here early on this Sunday morning quietly reflecting on my journey and how much my life has changed since my sons arrest, how much I have personally changed / suppose hoping it might help our forum newcomers.
The beginning was the worst, I've never felt so much sadness and desperation as my life spiralled out of control. My happy family ripped to shreds, my stability blasted apart. I cried continually til my stomach ached with pain. Emotionally drained as I tried to support everyone while feeling shattered and secretly so very much alone. All the direction in my life had ended.
Each stage bought a different variety of horrors to face up to, every emotion was felt, I love my son, how could he do this to himself and to a family that trusted him. The media the court cases - each time the desperation rearing its ugly head and kicking me in the teeth, no rest, no respite, no sunshine - again and again - like physically and mentally being brutally beaten up. I was a lonely shadow of the person I was.
Adjusting after sentencing has been hard and took a long time to 'feel' normal again. There's a lot left unsaid and a lot to face up to when my son is released. I know that, I hold sadness yes but my tears have been replaced by my new strength. I have spent hours reading about these crimes, gaining knowledge and yes understanding. I joined this forum which has played such a vital part in my personal recovery, I've made new understanding non judgmental friends on here. My God I owe it so very much and will be eternally grateful to the LFF forum.
So now here I am - I look forward to life and I'm actually proud of myself. I don't judge people, I have so much more understanding, compassion, hold no prejudices. So so much stronger and assertive- I will not live my life as others want me to - I will do what I feel is right for ME / so in a way I suppose I've took control of the path I take with this new found confidence. The nightmare hasnt evaporated, I still have 'wobbles', but life is for living and hopefully prepared as I'll ever be to face the future head on.
I apologise for going on a bit but I sincerely hope my story helps people as they struggle at the beginning of their nightmare. Each story I read makes me feel so sad as I feel their pain. It takes a long time but there really really is HOPE, I promise it'll come. X love to all..
,
The beginning was the worst, I've never felt so much sadness and desperation as my life spiralled out of control. My happy family ripped to shreds, my stability blasted apart. I cried continually til my stomach ached with pain. Emotionally drained as I tried to support everyone while feeling shattered and secretly so very much alone. All the direction in my life had ended.
Each stage bought a different variety of horrors to face up to, every emotion was felt, I love my son, how could he do this to himself and to a family that trusted him. The media the court cases - each time the desperation rearing its ugly head and kicking me in the teeth, no rest, no respite, no sunshine - again and again - like physically and mentally being brutally beaten up. I was a lonely shadow of the person I was.
Adjusting after sentencing has been hard and took a long time to 'feel' normal again. There's a lot left unsaid and a lot to face up to when my son is released. I know that, I hold sadness yes but my tears have been replaced by my new strength. I have spent hours reading about these crimes, gaining knowledge and yes understanding. I joined this forum which has played such a vital part in my personal recovery, I've made new understanding non judgmental friends on here. My God I owe it so very much and will be eternally grateful to the LFF forum.
So now here I am - I look forward to life and I'm actually proud of myself. I don't judge people, I have so much more understanding, compassion, hold no prejudices. So so much stronger and assertive- I will not live my life as others want me to - I will do what I feel is right for ME / so in a way I suppose I've took control of the path I take with this new found confidence. The nightmare hasnt evaporated, I still have 'wobbles', but life is for living and hopefully prepared as I'll ever be to face the future head on.
I apologise for going on a bit but I sincerely hope my story helps people as they struggle at the beginning of their nightmare. Each story I read makes me feel so sad as I feel their pain. It takes a long time but there really really is HOPE, I promise it'll come. X love to all..
,
Thank you so much for writing this. Please know that I am so very grateful to you for the hope this has given me, another mother on this journey.
I am so grateful to you and others who are there to give advice and a listening ear to others.
Thank you xxx
I am so grateful to you and others who are there to give advice and a listening ear to others.
Thank you xxx
Smile my dear friend x
Such an open and honest post thank you for opening your heart to us and this will give so much hope to others going through this journey xx
We are two peas in a pod and I will always be grateful to have gained your friendship you are a very kind, compassionate lady and have found so much inner strength and wisdom which is priceless to us all! xx
Such an open and honest post thank you for opening your heart to us and this will give so much hope to others going through this journey xx
We are two peas in a pod and I will always be grateful to have gained your friendship you are a very kind, compassionate lady and have found so much inner strength and wisdom which is priceless to us all! xx
Smile,
You are amazingly strong and kind. Your post gives so much hope for all of us but especially those at the beginning of their journey. I remember those days you described of crying until I ached xxx
You are amazingly strong and kind. Your post gives so much hope for all of us but especially those at the beginning of their journey. I remember those days you described of crying until I ached xxx
Thankyou so much for articulating so clearly how you & many of us feel.
I realise that I had a charmed life in lots of respects until it all got ripped apart but there is still plenty to be grateful for. Only my son has committed these offences,the rest of the family are innocent. Reactions may differ & processing may vary but we are still a family. We will strangely be strengthened by this.
Love yourselves for the women you have become .
I realise that I had a charmed life in lots of respects until it all got ripped apart but there is still plenty to be grateful for. Only my son has committed these offences,the rest of the family are innocent. Reactions may differ & processing may vary but we are still a family. We will strangely be strengthened by this.
Love yourselves for the women you have become .
Thank you Smile for sharing such an honest reflection of the journey you've been on and for reminding us that we can all have hope and that we can come through this and use our experiences to be better versions of the people we were.
Thank you for your post. This journey is transformational. Each journey is different but many of us will see ourselves reflected in some of your story , I certainly do. And yes ultimately life is for living . Strength to us all .
Smile through tears I was sitting at 3am this morning writing my journey in my journal, I really can't believe what I read in it I can't understand where I found strength, and wonder at times if I have any strength left but I keep telling myself today is a new day I can't change what was but I can stop it changing my future.
Love to you all
Love to you all
Smile
I have felt and been through every single emotion you have described and thank you for sharing. It really does help me to know other people have the same feelings towards their loved ones even though it's changed our lives in a way we could never imagine. I'm a few a years down the line with my son and on some days it still feels very raw for me but there are some good days too and are gradually improving as time goes on. Like you, we have things unsaid, questions to ask and things to deal with on his release. I think about my son every day and wonder where it all went wrong for him. I constantly worry about what other people must think of us and me as a mother. Thank you for giving us all hope and that we can recover from this and learn to live our new lives with better days ahead. This forum is certainly a lifeline knowing we all have similar stories and can relate to all the feelings we go through xx
I have felt and been through every single emotion you have described and thank you for sharing. It really does help me to know other people have the same feelings towards their loved ones even though it's changed our lives in a way we could never imagine. I'm a few a years down the line with my son and on some days it still feels very raw for me but there are some good days too and are gradually improving as time goes on. Like you, we have things unsaid, questions to ask and things to deal with on his release. I think about my son every day and wonder where it all went wrong for him. I constantly worry about what other people must think of us and me as a mother. Thank you for giving us all hope and that we can recover from this and learn to live our new lives with better days ahead. This forum is certainly a lifeline knowing we all have similar stories and can relate to all the feelings we go through xx
Smile - what a beautiful well written post. Captures exactly what most of us have felt on this journey. I totally agree with you I too have become a more understanding and compassionate person, I refuse to judge anyone now as we don't know what their journey is. When I look back on my old posts I actually feel proud of myself that I've got this far, at times I just wanted to die to make the pain go away, but I'm still here and I have to believe one day all will be well again. Thank you all for the support you have given me over the last 30 months xx