Pressure to separate
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It has now been 4 weeks since my person was arrested. I told one friend early on as I needed someone to talk to. Her response was not great, so I have hesitated to tell other friends.
I did decide this morning to tell another couple of friends as they had been worried as they had not seen me for 4 weeks. I was hesitant and was not going to tell them what he had been arrested for, but it did come out.
They reacted the same way as the other friend which was telling me to make my person move out. I own the house we live in, so it is my property.
I am really struggling to make a decision as to whether the relationship with my person has a future, but I am not finding it helpful that friends want me to immediately kick him out.
An added complication is that my Dad is in the final months of terminal cancer. I am desperate to protect him and let him die without knowing anything about what is going on. Stress is bad for him and even if I just said we had decided the relationship was not working, it would worry him.
I reached out to my friends as I was feeling very isolated and wanted support. They say they are thinking about me and protecting me. But I am not finding the pressure to chuck him out at all helpful. I am confused enough as it is without people trying to make decisions for me.
I am confused and bewildered and wish I had not said anything.
I did decide this morning to tell another couple of friends as they had been worried as they had not seen me for 4 weeks. I was hesitant and was not going to tell them what he had been arrested for, but it did come out.
They reacted the same way as the other friend which was telling me to make my person move out. I own the house we live in, so it is my property.
I am really struggling to make a decision as to whether the relationship with my person has a future, but I am not finding it helpful that friends want me to immediately kick him out.
An added complication is that my Dad is in the final months of terminal cancer. I am desperate to protect him and let him die without knowing anything about what is going on. Stress is bad for him and even if I just said we had decided the relationship was not working, it would worry him.
I reached out to my friends as I was feeling very isolated and wanted support. They say they are thinking about me and protecting me. But I am not finding the pressure to chuck him out at all helpful. I am confused enough as it is without people trying to make decisions for me.
I am confused and bewildered and wish I had not said anything.
I didn't tell anyone for months and months and I was also in a similar situation with an elderly relative.
It is your decision and yours alone. It's like when you are pregnant and everyone gives you advice. In our situation everyone has an opinion. But unless you have walked in our shoes they have no idea what it is like or how bad it is.
I did make the decision to leave but it was the hardest decision I have ever made.
Do you have any family support?
It is your decision and yours alone. It's like when you are pregnant and everyone gives you advice. In our situation everyone has an opinion. But unless you have walked in our shoes they have no idea what it is like or how bad it is.
I did make the decision to leave but it was the hardest decision I have ever made.
Do you have any family support?
Hello Horsegirl,
Am I okay to private message you?
Best wishes
Katie xx
Am I okay to private message you?
Best wishes
Katie xx
Anxious girl, because of my Dad I am not telling anyone in the family, so only have friends for support.
Katie, quite happy for you to pm me.
Katie, quite happy for you to pm me.
Yes it is hard and I was in the same situation. Everyone I told said I should leave.
The problem is if you ask for someone's opinion and advice, they will say what they think. It sounds like you wanted them to say stay! Not many friends or family who want the best for you would say this.
so only you can make this decision. I chose to leave . Put yourself first
The problem is if you ask for someone's opinion and advice, they will say what they think. It sounds like you wanted them to say stay! Not many friends or family who want the best for you would say this.
so only you can make this decision. I chose to leave . Put yourself first
My relatives passed away last Autumn. One thing I am grateful for is that they never knew - but I hated the lying
Please my lovely, don't be swayed by others and follow your heart, you have to live with your decisions.
People mean well but they've no idea how they'd react if it was their loved one. You've got to be on this journey to understand how hard it is!
My dad passed never knowing his grandson was actually in prison. I don't feel guilty he had enough coping with dementia - it would have been cruel to add to his confusion.
People mean well but they've no idea how they'd react if it was their loved one. You've got to be on this journey to understand how hard it is!
My dad passed never knowing his grandson was actually in prison. I don't feel guilty he had enough coping with dementia - it would have been cruel to add to his confusion.
I think it's wrong of your friends putting so much pressure on you, especially since your dad has cancer and you've got enough on your plate.
I initially told my parents and my sister and, while my parents have let me take my own path, my sister and her husband put massive pressure on me to kick my OH out straight away. They saw me as weak and they wanted to tell everyone. I had to go and beg them not to and explain how I wanted things to proceed, how I needed to take things one step at a time, and how it was/is my decision if and when to tell people.
It's now just over 4 months since the knock and I've made my own decision to divorce him. There are so many elements to what he's done, including 1000s of images/videos of IIOC, plus sickening accounts of in-person contact (whether fantasy or true I can't be sure but I feel it's the latter), and other very personal things I can't mention here.
So I'm losing everything, my wonderful happy life, the person I thought was my soulmate, my business, my home... but in the end it was the only decision I could make.
My best advice for you is to give it time, don't put any pressure on yourself to make up your mind and certainly don't allow your friends to put pressure on you either.
You'll come to the right decision for you in the end and that's all that matters.
It's now just over 4 months since the knock and I've made my own decision to divorce him. There are so many elements to what he's done, including 1000s of images/videos of IIOC, plus sickening accounts of in-person contact (whether fantasy or true I can't be sure but I feel it's the latter), and other very personal things I can't mention here.
So I'm losing everything, my wonderful happy life, the person I thought was my soulmate, my business, my home... but in the end it was the only decision I could make.
My best advice for you is to give it time, don't put any pressure on yourself to make up your mind and certainly don't allow your friends to put pressure on you either.
You'll come to the right decision for you in the end and that's all that matters.
Lost and Torn, your situation sounds a lot like mine.
Everyone you tell will have an opinion, although none of them will have to face the fallout of your decision. I waited two and a half years before I couldn't take the stress of what he had created anymore. Also, he was far from truthful with me or himself about what he had done. It was only when I heard the CPS evidence from his barrister at his Crown Court plea hearing that I realised the man I'd been with for almost 10 years had a very dark side.
I was pressured by family and friends to kick him out, but I had to work out the logistics and reality of having to pay all the rent and bills on my own. As there were no children involved, our domestic situation was much simpler. I kept getting 'If you don't get him out of the house people will think you were complicated and supportive of his actions '.
You need time to process this incredibly traumatic event. You're most likely in shock. I still am, in a way, though the Knock came in December 2021 and he's been out of the house since September 2023.
Your friends undoubtedly have your best interests at heart and want to protect you, but they need to give you the grace to make your own decisions in your own time. Unless they have been affected by The Knock, they haven't a clue of the catastrophic situation you have found yourself in which is not your fault and not of your choosing.
That's what this group is for. There are those who have stood by their person and others who've had to make the break, but we support each other whatever life choices we have taken.
Everyone you tell will have an opinion, although none of them will have to face the fallout of your decision. I waited two and a half years before I couldn't take the stress of what he had created anymore. Also, he was far from truthful with me or himself about what he had done. It was only when I heard the CPS evidence from his barrister at his Crown Court plea hearing that I realised the man I'd been with for almost 10 years had a very dark side.
I was pressured by family and friends to kick him out, but I had to work out the logistics and reality of having to pay all the rent and bills on my own. As there were no children involved, our domestic situation was much simpler. I kept getting 'If you don't get him out of the house people will think you were complicated and supportive of his actions '.
You need time to process this incredibly traumatic event. You're most likely in shock. I still am, in a way, though the Knock came in December 2021 and he's been out of the house since September 2023.
Your friends undoubtedly have your best interests at heart and want to protect you, but they need to give you the grace to make your own decisions in your own time. Unless they have been affected by The Knock, they haven't a clue of the catastrophic situation you have found yourself in which is not your fault and not of your choosing.
That's what this group is for. There are those who have stood by their person and others who've had to make the break, but we support each other whatever life choices we have taken.
Horsegirl, after the knock I too told a couple of friends who were very supportive but had their own opinions too which at times could be a burden. I was referred by my doctor to an NHS counsellor for 6 weeks . That helped enormously with coping strategies. I now go to a counsellor which has helped me emotionally and particularly to get over the shock. I have also been particularly greatly supported by the women in my inform group. After 18 months of separation I have made the decision to reconcile. My OH has been working on himself and I want to give it a chance. Each situation is completely different but we all understand and support each other through a journey only we fully understand.