Family and Friends Forum

Hello, I have 2 boys aged 5 and 2 and a third on the way very soon. Last May my partner was arrested after I found a message on his phone of him almost buying child pornography (0-13 girls) and in the message there was a collage of images or video stills. I immediately reported him to the police and they took his phone to be investigated. He's stood by his innocence and has sworn he didn't buy the images or download anything else. The detective has said several times since his arrest that should no further offences be found they would still need to give a proportionate decision based on what they already know was on the phone (the attempt to buy and also the collage of images).



He's been living at home and has absolutely no unsupervised contact with the children as set out in the safeguarding from SS. He sleeps downstairs on the sofa and does no nappy changes, baths etc.



Yesterday we heard the investigation has been completed and on Monday he's to go to the station where he will receive a caution and 2 years on the sex offender register. There's been no mention of a SHPO. At this point in time we have not been told of what evidence was found in order to give the caution. Was anyone's partner given a caution and 2 years on the SOR? What evidence was found for that outcome? Also how did it impact your family life? The social worker has said she needs to know the extent of what was found on his phone in order to advise of whether I can continue supervision at home or if he needs to move out. My children are my priority so I will do what's best for them, but I'm wondering what our future could now look like given the fact he's receiving a caution and 2 years on the SOR.

@Hopelesscared his phone was sent to a digital team who were able to recover anything and everything deleted. In the information sheet he was given about what they could recover it even included everything from searches and messages sent/recieved, so they dug deep! From everything I've read about receiving a caution I'm lead to believe that perhaps he's being cautioned because nothing further was found on his phone besides the original message almost buying CP which included the collage of images/video stills. These were somewhat blurry and compiled together, so I'm wondering if that's perhaps what he's been cautioned for. I'll know for sure on Monday when the detective and sergeant goes through the evidence with us at which point he can say he's guilty for what they've found and accept the caution or he'll end up going to court. I'm just trying to prepare for the possibility that more could have been found, but perhaps that isn't the case. He has stuck by his word this whole time and as much as I wanted to trust his plea, I also haven't wanted to let my guard down. I for sure thought he would end up in prison or best case scenario in my mind was a suspended sentence. I never even considered caution to be an option.

@Hopelessscared we haven't thought about taking a solicitor but that could be a very good shout. I'm not one to trust police either but from what I've read he needs to say he's guilty of it in order to actually receive the caution. I think it can go to court regardless of whether he was to say he's guilty or not so I don't think they're pushing for him to say he's guilty in order for them to then spring a court date on him.



The messages started with him messaging the guy 'hello' then the response back was an image of all the categories of videos/images they had and prices, along with another image of the collage of indecent images/video stills. He replied with what category he wanted to buy and asked how to pay. Then 20 mins or so passed and the guy sent '?' and my partner said 'sorry I got busy.' Then the guy said 'ok let me know when you want to proceed' and that was the end of the convo. No purchases were made as far as I know (checked his bank and PayPal) and if they had been made it would definitely not be caution worthy!

@edel2020 yeah I don't think he actually bought any images as in the messages there was no payment information besides the mention of paying by PayPal. The last message he received was from the guy asking him to let him know when he wants to proceed and there was no response from him.



I've looked into the possibility of it being a conditional caution and I think that wouldn't be a bad idea as I've read that part of the conditions they could give could actually be therapy/rehabilitation which is something we've struggled to get for him especially for a porn addiction that he says escalated to this point. GP has been no help, neither has SS! If a conditional caution is set in place at least they'd have to help him!

So the detective we saw did just issue him a caution. He said 'he's already admitted guilt to what was on his phone so we can proceed as long as he agrees'



I asked 'so was nothing else found on his phone then?' and he said 'no, just the initial messages you found and reported him for' which was reassuring. This he admitted to in the initial interview.

He signed onto the SOR today and now we await contact from the social worker to see where we go from here. No SHPO or other conditions are in place to shake things up and the detective said our day to day lives shouldn't be effected by this, so I'm hoping at the very least we can proceed as we are with him living at home, participating in no personal care of the children and with my supervision at all times.



Thank you everyone for your responses while I awaited this meeting :)

@Hopelesscared when I found the messages I felt sick to my stomach. I couldn't believe it. I immediately left the house with the kids and stayed with a friend for 4 days while I sorted out the report and waited on next steps. He was distraught and he himself knew that he had made a one-off mistake and hadn't viewed or bought anything, but I couldn't trust his word on that. At first he couldn't forgive me for reporting him, but when things settled a bit and we discussed that I had to report him to know for sure that there was nothing else (and also I needed to make sure our kids were safe), he forgave me for reporting him. Now I know that nothing further was found, I'm happy he wasn't lying this whole time. I'm also obviously happy nothing more was found. Everyone makes mistakes and this was a huge eye-opening mistake for him to make. In a way I'm grateful to have found the messages as who knows what else he could have done months or years down the line. It also opened my eyes to the dangers of porn addiction and he's on the road to recovery with that. In a way it's been a blessing in disguise and I'm also armed with so much information to raise my boys with in regards to porn so hopefully they don't get stuck in the addiction like so many men do.



They didn't mention where he got the connection from to try to buy it, but I'm assuming it was as he reported himself in the interview - he was on Omegle where there was a man and a young (but of age) woman laying on a bed. My partner said 'I want to see more' and the guy gave him the number and told him to contact him. I'm glad Omegle has been shut down now as that was a whole shitshow of a website. Yes I believe the caution was because there was the thumbnails still on his phone in the messages. Honestly I think the fact the images were so blurry was why he only received a caution, if they had been clearer my guess would definitely have been court but the timeframe of things could have also helped him as there was 7 months between when he sent the messages and when I found and reported him for them. He had a clean bill for those 7 months so I guess that added to the fact he only received a caution and 2 years on the SOR. As bad as it sounds, the images were also literally a transaction away. He had got that far, said what category he wanted to buy and asked how to pay. Then he dipped and the guy chased him. He just responded 'sorry I got busy' and that was it. So it showed that he truly himself dipped out of it and not because of the other guy dipping or failed transaction or anything.