Support for my teenage son
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Hi
We have been dealing with this nightmare for a year now. My ex was charged in October and my poor 13 year old son really struggles with his feelings of shame and isolation. What I feel he needs is peer support from other teens that understand this uniquely difficult situation. Does anyone know if anything like that exists? I have tried Lucy Faithful and Stop So. He feels so alone even though he has counselling at school. It breaks my heart
We have been dealing with this nightmare for a year now. My ex was charged in October and my poor 13 year old son really struggles with his feelings of shame and isolation. What I feel he needs is peer support from other teens that understand this uniquely difficult situation. Does anyone know if anything like that exists? I have tried Lucy Faithful and Stop So. He feels so alone even though he has counselling at school. It breaks my heart
Hi there, our children are a similar age to yours, and like you my heart breaks that they have this in their lives. You sound like a wonderful, caring and supportive mum - your son will take great strength and comfort from your support. As awful as this situation is, you and he will come through this, and there are lots of happy, fun times ahead for you all.
Everyone's situation is different, and I certainly don't have all the answers. The shame of this should absolutely not be for our children to bear - they are totally innocent collateral damage. Me and my kids' dad sat them down and made sure they know that their dad made some really bad choices, including illegal, and he is being punished BUT that they have done nothing wrong and that nothing their dad did was in any way intended to hurt them. We answer all their questions honestly, but in an age appropriate way. There seemed no benefit in inflicting further trauma on them by digging into the details or background and pathway to offending.
We have explained to them that people are (quite rightly) very judgemental about this offence, and asked them not to talk to anyone other than trusted adults in the family who are aware and can be a listening ear when they need it. It's AWFUL coaching them to withold truth, but it is in their best interests that as few people as possible know. If anyone asks about their dad, they just say that mum and dad are having some issues, and their dad is staying with his family for a bit. We've also been mindful to be positive and look ahead - to talk about this phase in our lives passing and that there is lots to look forward to as a family (even if that family set up is different to before...)
I opted to avoid counselling for my children, as I preferred not to escalate/magnify or dwell on the issue, or it to become a source of ongoing introspection. I'm trying to make sure their teenage years are not lost to this. We do talk about it between us (not often), and I try to stay pragmatic and straightforward rather then get very emotional (although of course I feel extremely emotional!)
Does your son see his dad, and are there familiar, fun things they can do together? A chance to rebuild a relationship and affirm to your son that while his dad has done some very bad things, he is very sorry and that they still have a future relationship to look forward to?
Does your son have any interests that would be an opportunity to join some clubs and groups where people don't know about the situation? Perhaps a chance for him to meet new people and enjoy a peer group outside school - healthy distraction can be a wonderful thing!
As well as LFF, there are lots of sources of specialist support and understanding for your son.
You and he might want to explore some of the below (in particular Circles offer family therapy related specifically to this kind of offending):
Acts Fast: support for families of children who have experienced or been impacted by child sexual abuse or assault. Advice, support and trauma counselling both for adults who have accessed IIOC, and their families.
Barnado’s: helping children and families feel safer, happier, healthier and more hopeful. Specific support for children with a parent in prison.
Children Heard and Seen: support for children with a parent in prison and their families.
Circles UK: focussed on reducing sex offending in partnership with criminal justice agencies. Customised restorative work to address harmful sexual behaviour. Specialist support for those with intellectual disabilities and/or autism spectrum conditions. Risk and safeguarding courses for families, and specialist therapy and counselling.
Safer Lives: specialist and individual support, advice and guidance, focussed on welfare and mental strength and wellbeing for offenders and their families. Therapeutic, practical and educational expertise.
StopSO: specialist support and therapy for those concerned about their thoughts or behaviour, and for those impacted by the behaviour of others.
Talking Forward: facilitated peer support for people impacted by a family member or friend who has engaged with online CSA. Part of a group committed to research into and understanding of online offending.
Wishing you and your son strength, peace and solidarity. This will pass. There are fun times ahead!
Everyone's situation is different, and I certainly don't have all the answers. The shame of this should absolutely not be for our children to bear - they are totally innocent collateral damage. Me and my kids' dad sat them down and made sure they know that their dad made some really bad choices, including illegal, and he is being punished BUT that they have done nothing wrong and that nothing their dad did was in any way intended to hurt them. We answer all their questions honestly, but in an age appropriate way. There seemed no benefit in inflicting further trauma on them by digging into the details or background and pathway to offending.
We have explained to them that people are (quite rightly) very judgemental about this offence, and asked them not to talk to anyone other than trusted adults in the family who are aware and can be a listening ear when they need it. It's AWFUL coaching them to withold truth, but it is in their best interests that as few people as possible know. If anyone asks about their dad, they just say that mum and dad are having some issues, and their dad is staying with his family for a bit. We've also been mindful to be positive and look ahead - to talk about this phase in our lives passing and that there is lots to look forward to as a family (even if that family set up is different to before...)
I opted to avoid counselling for my children, as I preferred not to escalate/magnify or dwell on the issue, or it to become a source of ongoing introspection. I'm trying to make sure their teenage years are not lost to this. We do talk about it between us (not often), and I try to stay pragmatic and straightforward rather then get very emotional (although of course I feel extremely emotional!)
Does your son see his dad, and are there familiar, fun things they can do together? A chance to rebuild a relationship and affirm to your son that while his dad has done some very bad things, he is very sorry and that they still have a future relationship to look forward to?
Does your son have any interests that would be an opportunity to join some clubs and groups where people don't know about the situation? Perhaps a chance for him to meet new people and enjoy a peer group outside school - healthy distraction can be a wonderful thing!
As well as LFF, there are lots of sources of specialist support and understanding for your son.
You and he might want to explore some of the below (in particular Circles offer family therapy related specifically to this kind of offending):
Acts Fast: support for families of children who have experienced or been impacted by child sexual abuse or assault. Advice, support and trauma counselling both for adults who have accessed IIOC, and their families.
Barnado’s: helping children and families feel safer, happier, healthier and more hopeful. Specific support for children with a parent in prison.
Children Heard and Seen: support for children with a parent in prison and their families.
Circles UK: focussed on reducing sex offending in partnership with criminal justice agencies. Customised restorative work to address harmful sexual behaviour. Specialist support for those with intellectual disabilities and/or autism spectrum conditions. Risk and safeguarding courses for families, and specialist therapy and counselling.
Safer Lives: specialist and individual support, advice and guidance, focussed on welfare and mental strength and wellbeing for offenders and their families. Therapeutic, practical and educational expertise.
StopSO: specialist support and therapy for those concerned about their thoughts or behaviour, and for those impacted by the behaviour of others.
Talking Forward: facilitated peer support for people impacted by a family member or friend who has engaged with online CSA. Part of a group committed to research into and understanding of online offending.
Wishing you and your son strength, peace and solidarity. This will pass. There are fun times ahead!