Losing friends
Notifications OFF
I am still fairly new on this journey at only 5.5 weeks since the knock. It has been a roller coaster of a few weeks with my emotions everywhere.
Today I have had some clarity and a bit of reconnection with my person. The shock and trying to process what happened meant I had put a barrier up between us, but I am slowly taking it down starting today.
However, what I am worried about is the reaction from my friends. I do have really good friends that have supported me through some terrible times. Being widowed, having breast cancer and recently my Dad's terminal cancer diagnosis. But this time feels different. They all want to support me, but I get the impression that the support will only be there if I separate from my person. I do not want to lose my friends as I did build up an amazing support network over recent years. But I don't want to have it come down to a choice between them and him. I was just wondering how others have dealt with this?
Today I have had some clarity and a bit of reconnection with my person. The shock and trying to process what happened meant I had put a barrier up between us, but I am slowly taking it down starting today.
However, what I am worried about is the reaction from my friends. I do have really good friends that have supported me through some terrible times. Being widowed, having breast cancer and recently my Dad's terminal cancer diagnosis. But this time feels different. They all want to support me, but I get the impression that the support will only be there if I separate from my person. I do not want to lose my friends as I did build up an amazing support network over recent years. But I don't want to have it come down to a choice between them and him. I was just wondering how others have dealt with this?
Hello horsegirl.
I'm sorry you have found yourself here.
I've only ever told my best friend and family, I'm lucky my family have stuck by me and my Oh, I know some people are not that lucky. Just go with how you feel, this journey is a long ride and can be lonely at times even with this group.
I'm sorry I'm not much help. I know it's a scary place.xxx
I'm sorry you have found yourself here.
I've only ever told my best friend and family, I'm lucky my family have stuck by me and my Oh, I know some people are not that lucky. Just go with how you feel, this journey is a long ride and can be lonely at times even with this group.
I'm sorry I'm not much help. I know it's a scary place.xxx
Hi Horsegirl, I'm in a different situation to you as my person is my son. I made it clear to everyone right from the start that I loved my son and would be supporting him despite the fact that I hated what he did. I then left it to friends and family to decide if they wanted to continue having me in their lives or if they felt they needed to walk away. Thankfully most people stayed and those that haven't are hopefully at peace with their own decision.
It's such a hard decision for you to have to make so please take your time and don't let people put pressure on you to make that decision before you're ready.
It's such a hard decision for you to have to make so please take your time and don't let people put pressure on you to make that decision before you're ready.
Post deleted by user
Hi Horsegirl,
I found myself pressured by a family member to divorce and leave my OH. Although I felt betrayed by the situation he put me in i have chosen to stay and work through this. My reply to this person advising me to leave was that I was not making any irrational decisions based off emotion. After this I chose not to tell anyway one else as I'm afraid of the judgement and pressure to leave. Stick to what you want. I have many good days and bad days with my the bad days I spiral and question what I'm doing this is very stressful situation and a huge test for any relationship we are 16 weeks post knock and very much in limbo with an outcome although advised by officer in charge very low case....
wishing you all the best feel free to message any time. X
I found myself pressured by a family member to divorce and leave my OH. Although I felt betrayed by the situation he put me in i have chosen to stay and work through this. My reply to this person advising me to leave was that I was not making any irrational decisions based off emotion. After this I chose not to tell anyway one else as I'm afraid of the judgement and pressure to leave. Stick to what you want. I have many good days and bad days with my the bad days I spiral and question what I'm doing this is very stressful situation and a huge test for any relationship we are 16 weeks post knock and very much in limbo with an outcome although advised by officer in charge very low case....
wishing you all the best feel free to message any time. X
Hi Horsegirl,
This is one of the most awful dilemmas we have to face, sadly in the majority of cases here no matter what decisions we make someone will ultimately hurt (mostly ourselves) at whatever we choose to do. Someone told me at the start of this journey that I would find out who my "true" friends and family are. With friends I was very fortunate, I only lost one but in a way but was relieved as she had always been toxic so in a way it was a relief, my friends have been lovely and supportive and do not act any different with my husband, they are still loving and supportive to him too. Family was entirely different, I made my position very clear at the start I would be staying with my husband and if he was not included in events etc then not to include me too, this proved extremely difficult as my brother and his family chose to have nothing to do with ourselves, this really broke my heart as I had always been extremely close to him. I have met him once since the knock in February 2021 and that meeting did not go well, however I made the decision to send him a card and a gift on his birthday to let him know I still love him and think about him and for the past 2 years he has done the same to myself. I am aware he does ask after me all the time so in a way I am comforted he still cares about me at least. My husband unfortunately lost all of his friends, I found that more difficult to deal with, as many on the forum will know how hard it is to see the once popular and outgoing person he once was be reduced to joining groups to make new friends is soul destroying. My husband's friends have been there for over 40 years, they socialised weekly, messaged and spoke to each other daily and called to each others homes on a spontaneous basis. To this day I see the hurt on his face if any of their names are mentioned but having received his conviction he says himself he understands why they have detached themselves. I deal with all of this by just "staying in the moment", I practice mindfulness meditation every day as it is what helps to get me through the day. I try and not dwell on the past and plan practically for the future but I don't include anyone in my future plans so that way I will never be disappointed. If anyone becomes part of a future plan that is a great bonus, one example being last year we had a cruise booked for ourselves, we found out a week before the cruise that my husband's sister and her husband had booked on the same cruise to join us, we were both overwhelmed and so happy. There are new people in our lives too, I have made friends with a lovely lady on this site who I have met for coffee and speak to regularly. I see it as a new chapter, different and yes not what was in the original future plan but we are making the best of who we have and gradually moving on from the past.
Think about what "you" want, friends can come and go but the true ones stay no matter what, family will always be family whatever the circumstances but think about what makes you happiest. Love Katie xxx
This is one of the most awful dilemmas we have to face, sadly in the majority of cases here no matter what decisions we make someone will ultimately hurt (mostly ourselves) at whatever we choose to do. Someone told me at the start of this journey that I would find out who my "true" friends and family are. With friends I was very fortunate, I only lost one but in a way but was relieved as she had always been toxic so in a way it was a relief, my friends have been lovely and supportive and do not act any different with my husband, they are still loving and supportive to him too. Family was entirely different, I made my position very clear at the start I would be staying with my husband and if he was not included in events etc then not to include me too, this proved extremely difficult as my brother and his family chose to have nothing to do with ourselves, this really broke my heart as I had always been extremely close to him. I have met him once since the knock in February 2021 and that meeting did not go well, however I made the decision to send him a card and a gift on his birthday to let him know I still love him and think about him and for the past 2 years he has done the same to myself. I am aware he does ask after me all the time so in a way I am comforted he still cares about me at least. My husband unfortunately lost all of his friends, I found that more difficult to deal with, as many on the forum will know how hard it is to see the once popular and outgoing person he once was be reduced to joining groups to make new friends is soul destroying. My husband's friends have been there for over 40 years, they socialised weekly, messaged and spoke to each other daily and called to each others homes on a spontaneous basis. To this day I see the hurt on his face if any of their names are mentioned but having received his conviction he says himself he understands why they have detached themselves. I deal with all of this by just "staying in the moment", I practice mindfulness meditation every day as it is what helps to get me through the day. I try and not dwell on the past and plan practically for the future but I don't include anyone in my future plans so that way I will never be disappointed. If anyone becomes part of a future plan that is a great bonus, one example being last year we had a cruise booked for ourselves, we found out a week before the cruise that my husband's sister and her husband had booked on the same cruise to join us, we were both overwhelmed and so happy. There are new people in our lives too, I have made friends with a lovely lady on this site who I have met for coffee and speak to regularly. I see it as a new chapter, different and yes not what was in the original future plan but we are making the best of who we have and gradually moving on from the past.
Think about what "you" want, friends can come and go but the true ones stay no matter what, family will always be family whatever the circumstances but think about what makes you happiest. Love Katie xxx
Post deleted by user
Thank you Lost. Xxx
Katie28 x
So many true words said x
I am so fortunate to have made so many amazing friends here who have given me so much yet we haven't met in person but I can imagine the bond you have built x I have also been so very lucky in finding my dear friend Smile she is my person who I speak so openly with, she just gets me , she is so precious dosent it make a huge difference xx
So many true words said x
I am so fortunate to have made so many amazing friends here who have given me so much yet we haven't met in person but I can imagine the bond you have built x I have also been so very lucky in finding my dear friend Smile she is my person who I speak so openly with, she just gets me , she is so precious dosent it make a huge difference xx
Upset Mum it is very comforting that we have made some special friends on here. My lovely new friend is Dobster, we have spoken so much and it was such a pleasure to meet for an afternoon tea and be able to speak openly about our situations with no holds barred. I am so sad to see the amount of new people joining the forum on an almost daily basis, I just hope each and every person is able to find someone special on here as both you and I have to help us get through the most horrendous and challenging situation the majority of us never thought we would ever have to experience. Xxx
Thanks everyone for your responses. It is really comforting to hear from people who fully understand what myself and my person are going through.
This is the only place I can get that understanding. I have decided to say nothing to any other friends as I am already feeling like there are some people I cannot be around which is adding to my isolation. I don't like to leave the house at the moment and the fear of meeting a judgemental person has added to that.
This is the only place I can get that understanding. I have decided to say nothing to any other friends as I am already feeling like there are some people I cannot be around which is adding to my isolation. I don't like to leave the house at the moment and the fear of meeting a judgemental person has added to that.
Katie28 x
Honestly I remember my first time on here I wasnt brave enough to post at first, i read every single persons storys trying to see what the outcome would be for my son, after 4 months I found the courage to post and honestly if it wasn't for here i really don't know where my mindset would be, now almost 3 1/2 years later its heartbreaking to see so many new ladies and a few men find themselves here , it's a horrendous journey to be on but yet each and everyone of us just know how precious this forum is xx
Honestly I remember my first time on here I wasnt brave enough to post at first, i read every single persons storys trying to see what the outcome would be for my son, after 4 months I found the courage to post and honestly if it wasn't for here i really don't know where my mindset would be, now almost 3 1/2 years later its heartbreaking to see so many new ladies and a few men find themselves here , it's a horrendous journey to be on but yet each and everyone of us just know how precious this forum is xx
All my friends and most of my family have turned their back on me. My partner and I are living apart although still in touch and I never felt so alone in my life until Katie28 offered the hand of friendship. We have met up for a coffee and she is the one I turn to for advice as she understands and doesn't judge me. It would be fantastic if more of us could get together maybe through a Convention as AA do. I know this is something Talking Forward have in the pipeline. Katie is right new friends do come into your life. Friends that actually care.
Dobster x
A few of us met on a teams call from here which was so lovely to be able to connect x
This is something we would like to do more often I think x
A few of us met on a teams call from here which was so lovely to be able to connect x
This is something we would like to do more often I think x
Dobster
I like the sound of the idea of meeting up.
I left my OH and moved back to be near my family and friends........ Only I wish now I had stayed up North.
My son wants nothing to do with me and I don't see any of my friends and to top it off my mother is constantly telling me to just divorce OH and let him rot "cuz he is a dirty f**kin perv and his d**K should drop off"..... her words, not mine.
I like the sound of the idea of meeting up.
I left my OH and moved back to be near my family and friends........ Only I wish now I had stayed up North.
My son wants nothing to do with me and I don't see any of my friends and to top it off my mother is constantly telling me to just divorce OH and let him rot "cuz he is a dirty f**kin perv and his d**K should drop off"..... her words, not mine.
Upset Mum I have read so many of yours and Smiles posts and my heart breaks for you both and all the other Mums on here, as a Mum myself I am truly sad to read your posts. You are all great Mums no matter what and I applaud you all. Xxxxx
Horsegirl, I too in the early days locked myself in the house, I sat for days and weeks not knowing what was going to happen, who knew about what had happened and who would say something judgement, I worried myself ill and ended up going to my GP and being prescribed antidepressants. I told my GP everything, she was brilliant and made an urgent referral for counselling and CBT. My therapist was also brilliant and along with my sister and her husband between then they got me through those dark early days. I still have massive anxiety about going out, even though I work part time I still cannot go into a supermarket, in fact earlier when I was posting I was sitting in the car whilst my husband and my Mum were in Sainsbury's. It is the only place I cannot venture into, maybe it is associated with the PTSD associated with this experience. It is very early days for you but I would strongly advise going to your GP for help and support. Whilst friends offer support it is difficult to know whilst so much is going on in your head if they are genuinely concerned or as in one case with myself just being nosey. You can always Private message myself or many of the other lovely ladies on this forum if you want more one to one support.
Take care, love Katie xxx
Horsegirl, I too in the early days locked myself in the house, I sat for days and weeks not knowing what was going to happen, who knew about what had happened and who would say something judgement, I worried myself ill and ended up going to my GP and being prescribed antidepressants. I told my GP everything, she was brilliant and made an urgent referral for counselling and CBT. My therapist was also brilliant and along with my sister and her husband between then they got me through those dark early days. I still have massive anxiety about going out, even though I work part time I still cannot go into a supermarket, in fact earlier when I was posting I was sitting in the car whilst my husband and my Mum were in Sainsbury's. It is the only place I cannot venture into, maybe it is associated with the PTSD associated with this experience. It is very early days for you but I would strongly advise going to your GP for help and support. Whilst friends offer support it is difficult to know whilst so much is going on in your head if they are genuinely concerned or as in one case with myself just being nosey. You can always Private message myself or many of the other lovely ladies on this forum if you want more one to one support.
Take care, love Katie xxx
@Katie Randomly just saw your post about going on a cruise, am totally new to this, not ready to share story yet, but I was suspecting we wont be able to go on the cruise we have booked this summer? I was assuming my Son would get turned away. :(