Family and Friends Forum

Post deleted by user

MY young person and I shared our story anon in the media lately, and I have to say it got a lot of support. I heard a report that the Met arrested 2000 people for IIOC in 22/23. That's 6 a day without communication, Just in the MET area!!!

I think Sharing is so powerful and educational..... If he wants to share he could talk to Joesph in the Media dept of LFF

I'm not against the idea, but LFF might have something to say about it. That's not what the forum was set up for. It could cause problems for them when it comes to getting govt funding for example.

He could post on the Unlock forum if he wants, because there are men on there, almost all of whom have committed these sorts of offences.

The other forum that was open to this is 'The World according to the knock'. It was agreed in principle that men should be allowed to write a blog for people to read, although no one has actually done it yet.

It needs to be handled carefully, to avoid accusations of minimisation and could be triggering for some people. That said, I am uncomfortable with people feeling as if they have to apologise all the time, just because it's expected of them. It's better if they can just be completely honest about how they feel, so we can have a proper discussion of the issues.

It would be interesting, but I remember the Moderator deleting posts written by offenders before.

Yep I agree, edel2020 - perhaps run it past LFF first...... suppose it could tread a fine line.

Chelsea1,

You have nothing to say sorry for. This is an important question. In America they hold conferences, where the offenders and the family members all attend together, to discuss how they are being treated by society.

It's my view that in this country, an artificial barrier has been introduced, to keep offenders and family apart and prevent them from having a unified voice.

It's mainly driven by fear of the tabloid media. Whenever the men try to put their side of the story, they are shouted down and accused of making excuses for their offending.

Politicians are so scared of the Mail and the Sun, that they won't give any money to charities or organisations that allow offenders a public voice. It's because they don't want to appear 'soft' on crime in any way.

I think the title being "Family and Friends" speaks for itself! Despite myself having stayed with my husband, there are plenty of people on the site being "Family and Friends" who may be experiencing extreme emotional anxiety and distress and the last thing they would want to read is a post from an offender trying to quantify their offence whether intentional or not. For many this is a "safe" place to express thoughts and feelings that they may not wish to share with their person, but I do agree there should be a platform somewhere for offenders to express their own feelings. I would also imagine the police would shut the forum down immediately as anyone whose person has attended the Horizon or IHorizon will have been instructed not to share any details or engage with any other offender.

Evening Chelsea1 x

Firstly well done for Hubby wanting to open up.and to share what would be a hugely difficult post for him (so please tell him how brave he is) this is another step forward,

It would be really good for him to perhaps write not nessasarly a journal but his open and honest view of how he ended up here, I for one would read it, and would gladly give you my email address to send it to x as I think would others xx

@Chelsea despite the forum not appearing to be the appropriate platform for your Husband to share his story I admire him wanting to. Please tell him so. I hope he finds a place to share his story as I believe it is such an important part of breaking the stigma surrounding these complex offences x

In addition you have nothing to apologise for, you asked a pertinent question. All questions on the forum should be met with kindness x

Please don't apologise x

I personally don't want to hear from any offender. I ve heard all the excuses and I don't believe any of them. Of course I'm aware that others do and that's up to everyone to decide.

Hello Forum Users

Just to clarify our position on this, the Forum is designed for family and friends only, we have a strict moderation process that each user has to go through. We know different Forums have different perspectives but we've made this decision to preserve an environment focussed on peer support and the experiences of family and friends.

Thank you Chelsea 1 for the suggestion, your partner is generous in offering his words and experiences, I hope you understand that this is not the right platform to do so. Please do not feel the need to apologise for the suggestion.

We really apprecaite all the comments and support on this thread, you have all managed to support each other in a positive way, which is great to see.

As always, if you have any questions, please get in touch forum@lucyfaithfull.org.uk

Take Care

The Forum Team

Post deleted by user

Hi Chelsea I would be totally interested in what your OH has to say, either by PM or if you could copy and paste what he has to say if that's allowed.

it would help me try to desipher what is going through my partners head: I have struggled to find offenders views on things

xx

Totally agree with @Jayjay, feel free to send me a PM @Chelsea 1 :)

Hi Chelsea,

I do come back now and again, more maybe selfishly, when I'm struggling.

I don't think this will ever really sorted? :(
For anyone who doesn't know - partner and father to my 2 children charged with making iioc, closed to SS with safety plan, sentence suspended 2 years ago. Stayed together, trying to move on but hitting obstacles whatever we seem to do.
there's been more disclosures from ex-friends whom we confided in to people we know.
ive been doubting whether staying together is the correct thing to do, its so complicated when you have children together.
I feel like people look and judge me, constantly wondering who knows.
just feeling really sad

xx

Hi Jayjay, I'm sorry to know you're feeling sad and as if things will never really get sorted. I'm here because of my son and we're 7 months post sentencing. We still have an awful lot to get sorted but we're gradually adjusting to our new life of him living with us and my husband and I supervising the contact for him and his children.

To help me move forward I'm on a journey of self discovery and have recently learned about the inner critic.

Our inner critic is there to look out for us and protect us. Its constantly scanning for danger and on the lookout for what could go wrong and what could hurt us. This scanning for danger is unconscious and we are so full of impressions that we start to believe this is the way things are. It sits around in the background of the mind and takes the opportunity to judge, make us doubt ourselves or create shame in our decisions

'If people know what my person did they will judge me for standing by him'

'My friend didn't want to stop and chat because she is judging me for my decisions'

We all struggle with our inner critic to the point that we don't always recognise when we are looking at the situation through eyes of fear, anxiety and self-preservation.

I am now learning that once we can separate ourselves from our inner critic and thank it for trying to protect us, we can tell it when it's not needed and can start to take steps in facing our fears and moving forward. Easier said than done I know but with practice and determination we can get there.

I know I've really waffled on here but what I really wanted to say is that people are probably not judging you nearly as much as you think they are and if they are, it's due to their own lack of knowledge and experience.

Wow Ocean, that is most interesting and unique positive response thank you.
certainly not waffling, more of an inspiration.
if you have any advice for dealing with this inner critic it would be much apprecaited x

Hi Jayjay, when I attended the inner critic workshop we were given the metaphor of a poisonous parrot for the negative feedback we give ourselves and to help identify our inner mental chatter.

We were told to imagine someone giving us a parrot with no wisdom or understanding. The parrot repeats everything without knowledge or understanding in its parrot style. The parrot you've been given is not kind or nice and has been taught specifically to be unhelpful and annoying, always commenting on every aspect of your life. 'You're stupid and can't get anything right. Your colleagues are going to judge you and see you for the loser you are'.

How many times have we put up with this bully in our heads. The negative self talk affects every aspect of our lives, our relationships, what we think of others, how we feel about ourselves etc.

How long would you let a real parrot continue insulting you before you covered the cage or got rid of the parrot.

So what we can do is to notice the parrot and cover the cage. It's important to realise that you don't have to listen to what it says, it's just a parrot. This takes practice and needs perseverance but in the end the parrot will get bored of being ignored and eventually quieten down.

To tackle your inner critic you firstly need to identify it and realise when it's not being helpful to you. You can then start to take the driving seat back from it and not allow it to choose the radio station, hold the map or decide what direction to travel. It can come along on the drive with you but you will be in charge.

I hope this helps.