Father in law under investigation for IIOC
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After getting home my husband has had to sit me down and tell me that a police warrant has been issued at his parents address and all devices had been seized. It is only his mother and father who lives there and stated they had issued a warrant after a video of children being raped had been uploaded last year.
The police did not arrest father in law (FIL) and did not ask him in for a VA.
We went round and initially FIL stated he hadn't done it but the next day he admitted that he had been looking at images for the last 2-3 years and that it had been out of morbid curiosity and had been accelerated by PTSD and other mental health issues. He has sworn it wasn't sexually motivated and doesn't know why.
Me and my partner have a baby and my first and foremost concern is the baby. I've already said that he will never be with the baby unsupervised (I have never left my baby with anyone other than my husband and my own mum as I am quite paranoid and anxious).
My husband is in absolute bits. He is distraught, can't eat, terrified his dad will kill himself and can't understand how this has happened as his dad has never done anything inappropriate to him or his brother ever.
I am heartbroken for my husband and devastated that our life has been changed and destroyed.
I guess my question is, does anyone have any experience like this with in laws? What happened and was there ever any way forward as a family?
And my other questions are, is it possible for this not be sexually motivated?
And if he never hurt his male children, does this mean he only has issues with girls or does it mean that he is purely a voyeur?
I guess I just want to know if this will get better
The police did not arrest father in law (FIL) and did not ask him in for a VA.
We went round and initially FIL stated he hadn't done it but the next day he admitted that he had been looking at images for the last 2-3 years and that it had been out of morbid curiosity and had been accelerated by PTSD and other mental health issues. He has sworn it wasn't sexually motivated and doesn't know why.
Me and my partner have a baby and my first and foremost concern is the baby. I've already said that he will never be with the baby unsupervised (I have never left my baby with anyone other than my husband and my own mum as I am quite paranoid and anxious).
My husband is in absolute bits. He is distraught, can't eat, terrified his dad will kill himself and can't understand how this has happened as his dad has never done anything inappropriate to him or his brother ever.
I am heartbroken for my husband and devastated that our life has been changed and destroyed.
I guess my question is, does anyone have any experience like this with in laws? What happened and was there ever any way forward as a family?
And my other questions are, is it possible for this not be sexually motivated?
And if he never hurt his male children, does this mean he only has issues with girls or does it mean that he is purely a voyeur?
I guess I just want to know if this will get better
Sorry that you are joining this journey.
The majority of people in the forum are partners (ex and current) and parents. I can imagine that the added dimension of this being your FIL makes this much more difficult.
with regard to your question; there are some helpful posts on "understanding why" regarding this. For most people here it would appear that the common journey is a range of MH issues and spiralling porn use (not attraction to children). It might be helpful for you or husband to contact the helpline for more details or to join one of their friends and family courses (which I found really helpful).
There is lots of support out there for you and your FIL, stop so counselling helped my husband a lot (as well as LFF Inform course). I think safer lives and circles run courses for offenders and their families.
I hope you and your husband and your family find the support you need. With compassion, understanding and support it is possible to have a way forward
xx
The majority of people in the forum are partners (ex and current) and parents. I can imagine that the added dimension of this being your FIL makes this much more difficult.
with regard to your question; there are some helpful posts on "understanding why" regarding this. For most people here it would appear that the common journey is a range of MH issues and spiralling porn use (not attraction to children). It might be helpful for you or husband to contact the helpline for more details or to join one of their friends and family courses (which I found really helpful).
There is lots of support out there for you and your FIL, stop so counselling helped my husband a lot (as well as LFF Inform course). I think safer lives and circles run courses for offenders and their families.
I hope you and your husband and your family find the support you need. With compassion, understanding and support it is possible to have a way forward
xx
Hi M1439 -
I can certainly understand how distraught you and your husband must feel as regards your discovery. Its shattering to find out a secret life behind someone you thought of as stoic- someone you loved and trusted.
My thoughts are with you at this time, let each day gently unfold (as much as you can). I know you will overthink, it's one of my problems too but try your best not too. Baby steps forward......
hug sentx
I can certainly understand how distraught you and your husband must feel as regards your discovery. Its shattering to find out a secret life behind someone you thought of as stoic- someone you loved and trusted.
My thoughts are with you at this time, let each day gently unfold (as much as you can). I know you will overthink, it's one of my problems too but try your best not too. Baby steps forward......
hug sentx
Hello and welcome, although I'm so sorry you find yourself here. This 'situation' rears its horrible head in many different ways as we are a mix of partners, parents and, like you, the children of an offender. Ours is our adult son and at first we felt as if we had a complete stranger as our child. However over the many months waiting we have seen that this awful thing doesn't completely negate the positive things about our son, so I hope that in time you will be able to see your father-in-law as more than this current traumatic situation. Your mother-in-law will be devastated too, not least as this will impact her role as your baby's grandmother. and your own enjoyment sharing your baby with extended family - the ripple effect of these offences is dreadful. I hope that you all can access some support but this will be a challenging time for your partner and you, as you try to support him as he supports his parents.
All I can say is that we are here to support and advise you or maybe you can encourage your mum-in-law to join this forum if she uses the internet, or pass on the LFF details. They can be a life saver to help us understand all the nuances of these type of crimes and give us a bit of hope amongst all the trauma and upset.
Another hug from me x
All I can say is that we are here to support and advise you or maybe you can encourage your mum-in-law to join this forum if she uses the internet, or pass on the LFF details. They can be a life saver to help us understand all the nuances of these type of crimes and give us a bit of hope amongst all the trauma and upset.
Another hug from me x
Thank you all for the replies. I really do appreciate it.
My husband is so devastated but at the same time he has said he doesn't believe that his Dad would ever harm the baby and believes that 100%.
Is there ever a point where someone can recover enough to be trusted? I don't plan to ever let him have unsupervised access but even allowing MIL to have baby when he is there will give him access when she goes to the toilet/makes a cup of tea etc
My husband is so devastated but at the same time he has said he doesn't believe that his Dad would ever harm the baby and believes that 100%.
Is there ever a point where someone can recover enough to be trusted? I don't plan to ever let him have unsupervised access but even allowing MIL to have baby when he is there will give him access when she goes to the toilet/makes a cup of tea etc
I found as time moves forward and this happens your family life reshuffles, the pieces don't return to how life was in the past but sadly you have to go with the flow to move forward.
Part of my sons crime was within our family and even though he is in prison we are treated subtly with an element of suspicion and are never left alone with our grandchildren.
Believe me it hurts like hell as I feel we are being punished after the horror we have been through - why should it be like this when we are innocent?
Then (under the circumstances) I think just how far we have come as a family, it's far from perfect - we now have deep scars, but we've rebuilt and it could be a lot worse. It's definitely not easy and I'd do anything to return to how life was.
Not sure if this helps but just trying to give you a little reassurance about your future as a family.
Part of my sons crime was within our family and even though he is in prison we are treated subtly with an element of suspicion and are never left alone with our grandchildren.
Believe me it hurts like hell as I feel we are being punished after the horror we have been through - why should it be like this when we are innocent?
Then (under the circumstances) I think just how far we have come as a family, it's far from perfect - we now have deep scars, but we've rebuilt and it could be a lot worse. It's definitely not easy and I'd do anything to return to how life was.
Not sure if this helps but just trying to give you a little reassurance about your future as a family.