How to navigate new friendships with this secret?
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I've met a new male friend at a hobby and we've been texting for about 10 days. Initially he seemed lovely but his texts have become increasingly intense and he's told me very personal things I would never tell someone I've only been texting a number of days. It made me uncomfortable, but I kept it quiet and comforted him, but now he thinks we have a great connection because I reacted compassionately and told him some select bits about myself that are personal back. He knows I have a "complicated" situation with someone and he seemed to respect that and commended me/us for having such a special connection that we're spending years apart working on ourselves to become better for the other (if only he knew what I'm actually going through!)
In the last week he's asked to meet up twice. Before his texts I'd have agreed but after how intense he's been I said no the first time and want to say no this second time. Regardless of my relationship situation, how he's been speaking over text is too much too soon for a friendship. It has made me uncomfortable to pursue this outside of our public hobby in case, to be honest, he's been lying about all his problems and being alone with him somewhere turns out to be dangerous.
The problem is I want to make new friends, we have a lot in common, go to similar events, and before his intense texts he seemed really nice. But to get to know him more (like his last name for one) I have to reveal details about myself, which I am reluctant to do. I don't want him googling me, or knowing where I live (case was in the media), going to my house ever because it has remnants of my OH and his stuff! He's requested to follow me on social media but I said no initially (it has links to OH one way or another and I don't want him knowing that and googling OH's name), but what if he asks again? I have this massive secret about my "complicated" situation that I worry will come out if I make actual friends with him. I have to lie or be vague about what I get up to over weekends to avoid telling the truth about prison visits or seeing OH's parents. And so many other little white lies to keep up the narrative.
So now I don't know what to do! He is very sensitive, has a history of mental health problems, and I don't want to offend him especially when I have to see him regularly. But I also fear that this case is an anomaly because this person has been so intense far too quickly, and it shouldn't be this intense making a new friend? But I also don't have a good track record of picking friends, the last person who made friends with me at this hobby was also male and turned out to fancy me and wanted to ask me out.
How have you other ladies got on with making genuine new friends?
In the last week he's asked to meet up twice. Before his texts I'd have agreed but after how intense he's been I said no the first time and want to say no this second time. Regardless of my relationship situation, how he's been speaking over text is too much too soon for a friendship. It has made me uncomfortable to pursue this outside of our public hobby in case, to be honest, he's been lying about all his problems and being alone with him somewhere turns out to be dangerous.
The problem is I want to make new friends, we have a lot in common, go to similar events, and before his intense texts he seemed really nice. But to get to know him more (like his last name for one) I have to reveal details about myself, which I am reluctant to do. I don't want him googling me, or knowing where I live (case was in the media), going to my house ever because it has remnants of my OH and his stuff! He's requested to follow me on social media but I said no initially (it has links to OH one way or another and I don't want him knowing that and googling OH's name), but what if he asks again? I have this massive secret about my "complicated" situation that I worry will come out if I make actual friends with him. I have to lie or be vague about what I get up to over weekends to avoid telling the truth about prison visits or seeing OH's parents. And so many other little white lies to keep up the narrative.
So now I don't know what to do! He is very sensitive, has a history of mental health problems, and I don't want to offend him especially when I have to see him regularly. But I also fear that this case is an anomaly because this person has been so intense far too quickly, and it shouldn't be this intense making a new friend? But I also don't have a good track record of picking friends, the last person who made friends with me at this hobby was also male and turned out to fancy me and wanted to ask me out.
How have you other ladies got on with making genuine new friends?
Hi Lucy - I think that there are 2 things in play here. Firstly your friendship with this person and secondly how we feel about making new friends with this 'secret' in our lives.
First of all (and it's hard to do if you're an empathetic, caring person) you owe this new person only what you yourself feel comfortable with and nothing more. It doesn't sound as if you want to allow this new friendship to develop into anything more than friendship even without the complication of disclosing your circumstances (or trying not to) and for your own peace of mind my thinking is that you need to have a frank conversation, telling him that you're uncomfortable with how he's behaving. Your only other alternative would be to go AWOL and that doesn't feel fair. His mental health is certainly an issue but again, it's not your responsibility and although I can't know for sure, this might be a pattern of behaviour with him. The best outcome would be that he listens and respects that you want to just be friends and keep things on a superficial level, and he values that. He might feel a bit stupid to have misread things, but if he values you as a friend then things will improve. And if not then he certainly is one to keep at arm's length.
Secondly the whole problem of making new friends with our circumstances is SO tricky. I'm the mum of an adult offending son who now lives with us and we are new to where we live. I've met some lovely ladies through a few groups I've joined but as soon as they suggest anything outside the activity I withdraw internally and make excuses as I know the conversation will involve talking about our families. I've always been one to make friends and arrange coffee dates etc but I've had to change my habits as it's just too tricky trying to watch what I say all the time even though I know it's up to me how much or little I share about myself, when the old me would have been very transparent with people. I did meet up with a new friend the week of our son's arrest and I was so tearful I blurted out what was going on. Well, she was the most understanding and caring person anyone could wish for and we have stayed in touch but I consider her a blessing at a time when I needed one.
As usual I am rambling so I'll stop now and post this xx
First of all (and it's hard to do if you're an empathetic, caring person) you owe this new person only what you yourself feel comfortable with and nothing more. It doesn't sound as if you want to allow this new friendship to develop into anything more than friendship even without the complication of disclosing your circumstances (or trying not to) and for your own peace of mind my thinking is that you need to have a frank conversation, telling him that you're uncomfortable with how he's behaving. Your only other alternative would be to go AWOL and that doesn't feel fair. His mental health is certainly an issue but again, it's not your responsibility and although I can't know for sure, this might be a pattern of behaviour with him. The best outcome would be that he listens and respects that you want to just be friends and keep things on a superficial level, and he values that. He might feel a bit stupid to have misread things, but if he values you as a friend then things will improve. And if not then he certainly is one to keep at arm's length.
Secondly the whole problem of making new friends with our circumstances is SO tricky. I'm the mum of an adult offending son who now lives with us and we are new to where we live. I've met some lovely ladies through a few groups I've joined but as soon as they suggest anything outside the activity I withdraw internally and make excuses as I know the conversation will involve talking about our families. I've always been one to make friends and arrange coffee dates etc but I've had to change my habits as it's just too tricky trying to watch what I say all the time even though I know it's up to me how much or little I share about myself, when the old me would have been very transparent with people. I did meet up with a new friend the week of our son's arrest and I was so tearful I blurted out what was going on. Well, she was the most understanding and caring person anyone could wish for and we have stayed in touch but I consider her a blessing at a time when I needed one.
As usual I am rambling so I'll stop now and post this xx