Ss - not a protective parent
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Hi I really need some support or advice please from you lovely lot.
We are 14 months. Husband hasnt been on bail or had any police restrictions since January. This is also when ss closed there case an put a safety plan in place to be followed. Which part of it was that he can not return home to live and contacted had to be supervised at all time but this could not be by me had to be someone else but I was allowed to be there.
I sent a letter on monday to family service stating that i would like them to reconsider the decision for me to supervise. I git help from family rights with what to put. I stated that I had always been open and honest with them, that I have and continue to follow what has been put in place. That eve children need some normality an have the right to a family life. As we struggle due to my father law does most of the supervision but he is retired do doesn't want to be out alot doing things. I said that this wasnt about me it was my children who miss there daddy incredibly and want him home.
Well my husband got charged yesterday another kick in the stomach knew it was coming but that still doesn't prepare you for it.
I called as today to update as this was asked of me an she said while your on the phone I talk about your letter. She said it was very well thought out and time put into it. She wasnt my social worker that had dealt with my case as case is closed I no longer have she told me she hasnt read through everything but has gone through the safety plan which she read out to me I told her I knew and understand what it was and what was asked but I wanted to know if I could supervise and if not. She just said it says in plan that you can not I asked and it is because I want yo resume a relationship with me husband and that is a concern for them which I knew that and I had pointed that out in my letter. I asked if this will always be the case she said yes because you judgement is clouded so unable to protect as you should do ciz you are standing by your husband. Can I just say I dobt condone what has happened at all but yes I am standing by him. I went onto ask her what I could do i said that i have worked with you i did the 1 2 1 grooming course that was asked of me and I'm willing to intake anything else I need to show I can be a protective parent. To be told no matter what I do or go it wont change. I think this is so unfair surely there has to be a way without me and my husband having to separate to show I can protect my children. Sorry I have gone on abit thanks for reading xx
We are 14 months. Husband hasnt been on bail or had any police restrictions since January. This is also when ss closed there case an put a safety plan in place to be followed. Which part of it was that he can not return home to live and contacted had to be supervised at all time but this could not be by me had to be someone else but I was allowed to be there.
I sent a letter on monday to family service stating that i would like them to reconsider the decision for me to supervise. I git help from family rights with what to put. I stated that I had always been open and honest with them, that I have and continue to follow what has been put in place. That eve children need some normality an have the right to a family life. As we struggle due to my father law does most of the supervision but he is retired do doesn't want to be out alot doing things. I said that this wasnt about me it was my children who miss there daddy incredibly and want him home.
Well my husband got charged yesterday another kick in the stomach knew it was coming but that still doesn't prepare you for it.
I called as today to update as this was asked of me an she said while your on the phone I talk about your letter. She said it was very well thought out and time put into it. She wasnt my social worker that had dealt with my case as case is closed I no longer have she told me she hasnt read through everything but has gone through the safety plan which she read out to me I told her I knew and understand what it was and what was asked but I wanted to know if I could supervise and if not. She just said it says in plan that you can not I asked and it is because I want yo resume a relationship with me husband and that is a concern for them which I knew that and I had pointed that out in my letter. I asked if this will always be the case she said yes because you judgement is clouded so unable to protect as you should do ciz you are standing by your husband. Can I just say I dobt condone what has happened at all but yes I am standing by him. I went onto ask her what I could do i said that i have worked with you i did the 1 2 1 grooming course that was asked of me and I'm willing to intake anything else I need to show I can be a protective parent. To be told no matter what I do or go it wont change. I think this is so unfair surely there has to be a way without me and my husband having to separate to show I can protect my children. Sorry I have gone on abit thanks for reading xx
Hi Stardust, I have been where you are and it is a horrible situation. You have done nothing wrong but are getting punished. The phase I found them using was "you are minimising the situation". I was able to supervise contact at my mothers house to start with. The children weren't allowed at his flat or in public with him. That included being in the car.
It's really hard as at the moment you ate going to have to jump through hoops for them. Proving you are in fact a protective parent. Some social workers dont understand why we would stay with our partners, there are no rules for them to follow if you have a social worker who really hates you being together they will do everything in their power to keep you apart. That was like my first one. Our next social worker was a star. She really helped and asked the questions I had been desperate for the answers to.
My advice us get an advocate, someone who can see when they are being unreasonable. It was the best thing I done. I'm no longer under social work but I still talk to our worker. She really helped, treated me like a human, helped us with housing. You will get there too x
It's really hard as at the moment you ate going to have to jump through hoops for them. Proving you are in fact a protective parent. Some social workers dont understand why we would stay with our partners, there are no rules for them to follow if you have a social worker who really hates you being together they will do everything in their power to keep you apart. That was like my first one. Our next social worker was a star. She really helped and asked the questions I had been desperate for the answers to.
My advice us get an advocate, someone who can see when they are being unreasonable. It was the best thing I done. I'm no longer under social work but I still talk to our worker. She really helped, treated me like a human, helped us with housing. You will get there too x
Hi sallyblue
Thank you so much for replying. Been in this situation is so lonely with no support apart from here which is great.
They just cant make there mind up in jan they stopped my friend supervising as put her daughter at risk I re questioned this in july for them to turn round an say they have had a re think an she can now supervise again.
I did a 1 2 1 7 week grooming course after the safety plan had been put into place this wasnt taken in consideration when I spoke to them this. I just dont see how they say there is nothing I can do to prove I am a protective parent if that's the case it was pointless me doing that course.
I just keep getting told my judge is clouded because of my love am feelings for my husband.
What do you me by having am advocate who can do this please.
Are you on that other thing called mums cant remember other part xx
Thank you so much for replying. Been in this situation is so lonely with no support apart from here which is great.
They just cant make there mind up in jan they stopped my friend supervising as put her daughter at risk I re questioned this in july for them to turn round an say they have had a re think an she can now supervise again.
I did a 1 2 1 7 week grooming course after the safety plan had been put into place this wasnt taken in consideration when I spoke to them this. I just dont see how they say there is nothing I can do to prove I am a protective parent if that's the case it was pointless me doing that course.
I just keep getting told my judge is clouded because of my love am feelings for my husband.
What do you me by having am advocate who can do this please.
Are you on that other thing called mums cant remember other part xx
Yes I'm on mumsnet as SallyBlue, if you need one on one advice please get in touch. I'll he happy to help where I can.
An advocate is someone who is impartial but supports you. They can be you voice when you are struggling. I wasnt told about advocacy services by my social worker, it was Stop It Now who told me. I was drowning in the "you are putting your children at risk" from social work. I got my lovely advocate and she was very "wait, hold on can you explain why there is a risk?". I got so far with my advocate, if it wasnt for her support I wouldn't be in the better position I am in now. Google advocacy services near me. There is usually one in the nearest large town and cities. X
An advocate is someone who is impartial but supports you. They can be you voice when you are struggling. I wasnt told about advocacy services by my social worker, it was Stop It Now who told me. I was drowning in the "you are putting your children at risk" from social work. I got my lovely advocate and she was very "wait, hold on can you explain why there is a risk?". I got so far with my advocate, if it wasnt for her support I wouldn't be in the better position I am in now. Google advocacy services near me. There is usually one in the nearest large town and cities. X
Sorry stardust I'm under BlueSally x
Hi I'm new to this, so apologies if I go off on a mission.
My story...
3years ago, we had a knock at the door, the police, checked all technology and found my partner had viewed indecent images (40), he was arrested, bailed and let out but visits with our 18month old had to be supervised.
We had 8 different social workers in around 8 months, no one knew what to do with us, our little boy was 18months old at the time and adored his dad, I never knew a thing about what he had done, but I knew I wanted to stick by him... fast forward 12 months, we've moved to a new area, our boy was off the child protection register, assessments for my ability to protect had been completed and partner moved back hone to live as long as I was supervising.
My sw said as long as I was in seeing and or hearing distance I'm supervising.
So... 6months later where homeless, my partners offence was found out and had to move secretly to his parents place. 9 months later where 're housed.
Partner is at home with us, I'm supervising, son is 3 and in nursery, my partner went on an in depth horizon course, we were informed by sw that when my partner had completed this, we could look into unsupervised. He did the course, he's had a psychosexual LFFassessment done which they say he has no pedophyllic personality, and is a low risk and doesn't see a reason why after he completed horizon course, he should be able to have unsupervised with our now 4 year old.
Probation emailed sw they said they weren't reopening the case, we got what we wanted.
After 2 weeks our hv comes over, explain the news and she has to double check records, sw have no paperwork to say he can have unsupervised. Back to square one...
Now we have a different sw who has been so negative towards us all, has only seen my boy for 5 mins, and not got to know us as a family at all, and blatantly said there's no chance of unsupervised, which it's written in black and white on our safety plan and now there going back on everything. I have tried asking for our previous sw to work with us to be told no that's not going to happen. Our previous sw worked with us, supported and saw the needs and daily struggles, this one wants us to split. I'm so scared to tell her how I feel because she wants to do another parent protect assessment on me, I suffer with anxiety and depression and have lost all my family, all I want is to keep my family together, but it feels like there making me out to be the perpetrator.
I feel so alone and down constantly, I haven't bee n able to sleep or eat, I'm only just managing work, I don't know what to do, my partner has a solicitor involved and I'm going to counselling, but I feel there making my life hell. It doesn't help that an extra referral went in on my son's last day of nursery from my best friend (supposedly, but deffo not anymore) saying we weren't going by the books and bringing up stuff that happened nearly 12 months ago.
Any help I would really appreciate. Thanks for reading.
My story...
3years ago, we had a knock at the door, the police, checked all technology and found my partner had viewed indecent images (40), he was arrested, bailed and let out but visits with our 18month old had to be supervised.
We had 8 different social workers in around 8 months, no one knew what to do with us, our little boy was 18months old at the time and adored his dad, I never knew a thing about what he had done, but I knew I wanted to stick by him... fast forward 12 months, we've moved to a new area, our boy was off the child protection register, assessments for my ability to protect had been completed and partner moved back hone to live as long as I was supervising.
My sw said as long as I was in seeing and or hearing distance I'm supervising.
So... 6months later where homeless, my partners offence was found out and had to move secretly to his parents place. 9 months later where 're housed.
Partner is at home with us, I'm supervising, son is 3 and in nursery, my partner went on an in depth horizon course, we were informed by sw that when my partner had completed this, we could look into unsupervised. He did the course, he's had a psychosexual LFFassessment done which they say he has no pedophyllic personality, and is a low risk and doesn't see a reason why after he completed horizon course, he should be able to have unsupervised with our now 4 year old.
Probation emailed sw they said they weren't reopening the case, we got what we wanted.
After 2 weeks our hv comes over, explain the news and she has to double check records, sw have no paperwork to say he can have unsupervised. Back to square one...
Now we have a different sw who has been so negative towards us all, has only seen my boy for 5 mins, and not got to know us as a family at all, and blatantly said there's no chance of unsupervised, which it's written in black and white on our safety plan and now there going back on everything. I have tried asking for our previous sw to work with us to be told no that's not going to happen. Our previous sw worked with us, supported and saw the needs and daily struggles, this one wants us to split. I'm so scared to tell her how I feel because she wants to do another parent protect assessment on me, I suffer with anxiety and depression and have lost all my family, all I want is to keep my family together, but it feels like there making me out to be the perpetrator.
I feel so alone and down constantly, I haven't bee n able to sleep or eat, I'm only just managing work, I don't know what to do, my partner has a solicitor involved and I'm going to counselling, but I feel there making my life hell. It doesn't help that an extra referral went in on my son's last day of nursery from my best friend (supposedly, but deffo not anymore) saying we weren't going by the books and bringing up stuff that happened nearly 12 months ago.
Any help I would really appreciate. Thanks for reading.
C123, I'm sorry you ate in this situation. You have back tracked so much it's really not pair on you guys.
It just shows how different social workers have different opinions and work towards what they see is suitable. It is so frustrating. Do not tell the social worker how you feel as they can use it against you, I know mine did. They took my depression and used it to say I wasnt protective, that I wasnt a strong person and could be manipulated. Ridiculous.
I would seek legal assistance on this with a family solicitor.
It just shows how different social workers have different opinions and work towards what they see is suitable. It is so frustrating. Do not tell the social worker how you feel as they can use it against you, I know mine did. They took my depression and used it to say I wasnt protective, that I wasnt a strong person and could be manipulated. Ridiculous.
I would seek legal assistance on this with a family solicitor.
Thank you Sally, my partner has a solicitor, I'm looking into getting one too, I will keep you all updated as we have an updated meeting being arranged this week with the manager, solicitor and social worker. Thank you for all your help and guidance x
I feel like social work is my speciality C123. We have had it all from them, I swear if every social worker was like our last everything would be so much easier. Keep us posted and do not let them get to you. X
Hi C123
Sorry to intrude but your partners situation sounds a lot like mine. Can I ask what sentence he got? Where did you go to get assessments done etc to begin the unsupervised process? Thanks x
Sorry to intrude but your partners situation sounds a lot like mine. Can I ask what sentence he got? Where did you go to get assessments done etc to begin the unsupervised process? Thanks x
Hi Rainbow, my Partner got sentenced to 100 hours community service, 3 years probation and 5 years on the register. When it all came out the visits had to be supervised by his parents until assessments had been completed, my son went on the child protection register for 9 months, sitting that, we had 8 different social workers who didn't have a clue about what to do with us. Then we finally had a really really good one, she suggested my partner undertake a LFF assessment, this involved him travelling to an office for 3 days and have an in depth psycho sexual assessment, within this it was suggested my partner was a low risk and didn't see any harm in him moving back home as long as I supervised the contact. My social worker went above and beyond to ensure an ability to protect assessment was carried out. And we worked together in my partner moving home, it was slow but it worked out. My partner then had to undergo an horizon programme completed by the ppu and probation worker alongside other professionals, my partner asked if we would be able to move to unsupervised contact, the answer our sw gave us was yes, and said another assessment would be carried out to see where we all were and would go from there. They closed the case on the condition I was a supervised in her words as long as I was in seeing and hearing distance I was supervising, we worked together with the sw to come up with the suitable plan that would work, and I put safeguarding in place.
In October last year, my partner completed the horizon project and we asked probation to send an email back to the sw asking for what had been on our plan, the unsupervised. Probation then received an email back to say no more assessments, and the case wasn't going to be 're opened. We took this as good news, so my partner and little boy spent 2 weeks together unsupervised. Just before Xmas my son's hv came round, we told her the good news and she said she would have to get the records up dated she contact sw and they said they have no recollection and no evidence of such email of they replied to probation.... shocked and angry weren't the words. We had conversations with the manager of sw and he had his judgement straight away and said it wasn't going to happen, we had a new sw allocated to us and as soon as we spoke to her, she was so negative, not wanting to work with us, she'd met my boy once... because her manager said she needed too, a tick box. She said she would do an assessment on us... met with us once and that was it... she had judged us, no to unsupervised, even though it's on the plan, we now have solicitors involved and they are fighting with us, we've asked to have our previous sw back with us, but we've been told that's not going to happen.... stressed and anxious are just 2 words as to how we all fell, my boy is 4 and I constantly asking to go out with daddy, and we have to come up with excuses as to why he can't. SS are looking at the risk and not anyone or anything else, they are now saying I should have another independent assessme t to see if I can protect my son, which as a mother, I'm devastated she could even think I can't protect my son, I have worked so hard to teach him what's his is his and stranger danger, but all they see is sex offenders partner not looking after her son.... if you need anymore advice I'm happy to help, my partner has 2 more tears in the sor, and even then they're saying he won't be able to have unsupervised until our boy is around 8 or 9, a cognitive age where he can keep himself safe.
Don't get me wrong suicide has entered into my mind and I'm trying not to self harm, I'm having councilling, my advice to everyone in our situation is trust no one, not even if there the closest thing to a s sister, my best friend has reported hearsay to my boys nursery and they have put a referral into sw about my son and didn't tell me, I have no idea why she did it, it was things I had told her, and it happened nearly 12 months ago, so why she decided to bring it up now I'll have no idea.
I have a very small network of friends, my in laws are my closest family, and my job... I work as a carer, for a living I have to protect and safeguard, if I can safeguard them, I certainly can safeguard.my own child.
Good luck Rainbow, feel free to share your story with us, there's no judging, just support from me.
All the best xx
In October last year, my partner completed the horizon project and we asked probation to send an email back to the sw asking for what had been on our plan, the unsupervised. Probation then received an email back to say no more assessments, and the case wasn't going to be 're opened. We took this as good news, so my partner and little boy spent 2 weeks together unsupervised. Just before Xmas my son's hv came round, we told her the good news and she said she would have to get the records up dated she contact sw and they said they have no recollection and no evidence of such email of they replied to probation.... shocked and angry weren't the words. We had conversations with the manager of sw and he had his judgement straight away and said it wasn't going to happen, we had a new sw allocated to us and as soon as we spoke to her, she was so negative, not wanting to work with us, she'd met my boy once... because her manager said she needed too, a tick box. She said she would do an assessment on us... met with us once and that was it... she had judged us, no to unsupervised, even though it's on the plan, we now have solicitors involved and they are fighting with us, we've asked to have our previous sw back with us, but we've been told that's not going to happen.... stressed and anxious are just 2 words as to how we all fell, my boy is 4 and I constantly asking to go out with daddy, and we have to come up with excuses as to why he can't. SS are looking at the risk and not anyone or anything else, they are now saying I should have another independent assessme t to see if I can protect my son, which as a mother, I'm devastated she could even think I can't protect my son, I have worked so hard to teach him what's his is his and stranger danger, but all they see is sex offenders partner not looking after her son.... if you need anymore advice I'm happy to help, my partner has 2 more tears in the sor, and even then they're saying he won't be able to have unsupervised until our boy is around 8 or 9, a cognitive age where he can keep himself safe.
Don't get me wrong suicide has entered into my mind and I'm trying not to self harm, I'm having councilling, my advice to everyone in our situation is trust no one, not even if there the closest thing to a s sister, my best friend has reported hearsay to my boys nursery and they have put a referral into sw about my son and didn't tell me, I have no idea why she did it, it was things I had told her, and it happened nearly 12 months ago, so why she decided to bring it up now I'll have no idea.
I have a very small network of friends, my in laws are my closest family, and my job... I work as a carer, for a living I have to protect and safeguard, if I can safeguard them, I certainly can safeguard.my own child.
Good luck Rainbow, feel free to share your story with us, there's no judging, just support from me.
All the best xx
C123, have they given a reason why you cant have your original social worker back? Have they left or moved onto a different department? I know here the average a social worker stays in the family department is only 2 years. You are within your rights to ask for another social worker. I dont understand why they wont allow unsupervised contact after his registration period is over. The only way they could prevent it is if there is a SOPO surely? My husbands solicitor argued the fact that there was nothing to stop my husband having unsupervised contact with any other children. He could spend time with nieces and nephews just not his own children. The only reason they could give was so that our children didnt get any backlash from the community. Our social workers "yeah but why?" Attitude to the head of department worked well. Well, after 4 years anyway.
Thanks C123 for your reply. It's awful that things were going positive and now this has happened. Sw dont realise how much this affects lives. I do hope they get it sorted. Is the old sw still working for them? I havent even had a visit from mine. My husband is halfway through the horizon course. How long does your partner have left with his 3 year order? I'm confused as to what happens after the course. At the mo mine has done hours, doing the course and currently sees officer once a month. Hes supposed to also have phone checked but that has been done once. Shame police cant stick to orders! I've been open with my kids who are teens so I feel unsupervised could happen especially when they become 16 as they will be independent. Good luck with the sw, hope it gets sorted x
Good afternoon all,
We are pleased to see that you continue to be able to use the forum for support going through this difficult situation.
C123 – I am pleased that you have found the forum and have posted for support from others going through something similar. Your situation does sound distressing and I note your comments about trying not to self-harm. Coping with the fall out of this situation can be difficult and it is good to hear that you are receiving counselling. I hope that you feel able to discuss this with your counsellor. Please do know that you are welcome to call our helpline to discuss this further with one of trained operators to provide you with further advice and support.
Of course, anyone else is also welcome to call the helpline.
Best wishes,
Lucy
We are pleased to see that you continue to be able to use the forum for support going through this difficult situation.
C123 – I am pleased that you have found the forum and have posted for support from others going through something similar. Your situation does sound distressing and I note your comments about trying not to self-harm. Coping with the fall out of this situation can be difficult and it is good to hear that you are receiving counselling. I hope that you feel able to discuss this with your counsellor. Please do know that you are welcome to call our helpline to discuss this further with one of trained operators to provide you with further advice and support.
Of course, anyone else is also welcome to call the helpline.
Best wishes,
Lucy
Sally blue, they have my given me a definitive reason why we cannot have our old sw with us. We just keep getting the reply that it won't happen, they want to do an independent parent protect assessment, although my last one the old sw did went above and beyond, got into from LFF and nspcc, to make sure it was an in depth assessment.
The sw came to see me on Thursday last week and they've decided to take it back to conference, they also want to speak to our 4 year old boy in school, to see what he likes and doesn't like at home and what he likes to do with me and his dad.
I'm devastated it's going back to conference, but they are so stuck and cannot give us what my partner has been told he can have, we don't understand why they have said it in the first place.
The sw came to see me on Thursday last week and they've decided to take it back to conference, they also want to speak to our 4 year old boy in school, to see what he likes and doesn't like at home and what he likes to do with me and his dad.
I'm devastated it's going back to conference, but they are so stuck and cannot give us what my partner has been told he can have, we don't understand why they have said it in the first place.